Chapter 2
"Coma."
I would laugh from the shock of it if I could. Coma? I need to tell them they're wrong, I'm right here...... but still, I don't. Instead, I listen with amusement as the doctor proceeds to ramble off a series of technical terms.
"Somatoform Disorder......... psychoanalyze...... dissociative......... possible depersonalization disorder...."
It's stupid..... the way they have to say something so simple in so many syllables. Maybe I just don't feel like waking up. Ever think of that? Of course not.... it doesn't sound complex enough.....
Really I'm not sure why I don't get up. But now that I've gotten over the guilt of not answering them, I'm actually starting to kinda enjoy this. It's almost relaxing-- like a little vacation..... Actually, the more I thing about it, it's *exactly* like a vacation-- like I just picked up last night and left-- left behind my family, my home, my past, my future-- my entire life... and now I'm somewhere where I can just be a nondescript person, someone without a care in the world-- a traveler.
Oh god how wonderful it feels to leave my problems behind and not have to think about them....... and here there is no one to remind me...... well, except myself.
Okay, so I'm on a little vacation from reality.
The room is quiet now, and I wonder who's sitting with me. I know they would never leave me alone like this. Of course not...... when 'poor little Emily' is sick everyone comes to the rescue. It's too damn bad I don't receive this much attention when I'm conscious.....
I shouldn't say that...... I've gotten used to it. I mean it's not like I'm a little kid..... I don't need constant supervision. I guess it's just kinda nice to know that not everyone is disappearing on me.
"Emily, sweetheart.... Please wake up...."
Monica.
"Everyone's here..... We're all waiting for you to come back to us....."
Did I call it or what?
"We miss you...."
Only when you notice I'm gone.
And I've been gone a lot longer then you know........
I really do need to just shake this off....... I'm sounding so bitter to myself, and I hate that, I really do..... But sometimes I just can't help it. She doesn't deserve it...... She changed her life for me, so that I could have a home, when the last person I had left disappeared on me.
God how I miss my mom right now..... It's so funny how I can actually go for days without thinking about her, and then find the misery collected like a snowball on another day..... multiplied by a sense of guilt for *not* missing her those few days of course...... But still, remembering brings a sense of fear to me now, instead of happiness.....
She used to wake me up every morning by pulling up my shade and calling out in a sing-song voice.... A voice I can't hear anymore....... not even in my head.
'Rise and shine morninglory!' She'd say, 'Time to start another day!' When she died, I was so sure another day would never come because she wouldn't be there to announce it.... it almost made me afraid to go to sleep at night. But I learned I was wrong-- the sun still rose and set, and life, sometimes against my wishes, went on.......
Maybe she called me 'Sunshine'.......
Oh mama, if you're there somewhere, I still remember you, even if I don't have the memories anymore.....
"Coma."
I would laugh from the shock of it if I could. Coma? I need to tell them they're wrong, I'm right here...... but still, I don't. Instead, I listen with amusement as the doctor proceeds to ramble off a series of technical terms.
"Somatoform Disorder......... psychoanalyze...... dissociative......... possible depersonalization disorder...."
It's stupid..... the way they have to say something so simple in so many syllables. Maybe I just don't feel like waking up. Ever think of that? Of course not.... it doesn't sound complex enough.....
Really I'm not sure why I don't get up. But now that I've gotten over the guilt of not answering them, I'm actually starting to kinda enjoy this. It's almost relaxing-- like a little vacation..... Actually, the more I thing about it, it's *exactly* like a vacation-- like I just picked up last night and left-- left behind my family, my home, my past, my future-- my entire life... and now I'm somewhere where I can just be a nondescript person, someone without a care in the world-- a traveler.
Oh god how wonderful it feels to leave my problems behind and not have to think about them....... and here there is no one to remind me...... well, except myself.
Okay, so I'm on a little vacation from reality.
The room is quiet now, and I wonder who's sitting with me. I know they would never leave me alone like this. Of course not...... when 'poor little Emily' is sick everyone comes to the rescue. It's too damn bad I don't receive this much attention when I'm conscious.....
I shouldn't say that...... I've gotten used to it. I mean it's not like I'm a little kid..... I don't need constant supervision. I guess it's just kinda nice to know that not everyone is disappearing on me.
"Emily, sweetheart.... Please wake up...."
Monica.
"Everyone's here..... We're all waiting for you to come back to us....."
Did I call it or what?
"We miss you...."
Only when you notice I'm gone.
And I've been gone a lot longer then you know........
I really do need to just shake this off....... I'm sounding so bitter to myself, and I hate that, I really do..... But sometimes I just can't help it. She doesn't deserve it...... She changed her life for me, so that I could have a home, when the last person I had left disappeared on me.
God how I miss my mom right now..... It's so funny how I can actually go for days without thinking about her, and then find the misery collected like a snowball on another day..... multiplied by a sense of guilt for *not* missing her those few days of course...... But still, remembering brings a sense of fear to me now, instead of happiness.....
She used to wake me up every morning by pulling up my shade and calling out in a sing-song voice.... A voice I can't hear anymore....... not even in my head.
'Rise and shine morninglory!' She'd say, 'Time to start another day!' When she died, I was so sure another day would never come because she wouldn't be there to announce it.... it almost made me afraid to go to sleep at night. But I learned I was wrong-- the sun still rose and set, and life, sometimes against my wishes, went on.......
Maybe she called me 'Sunshine'.......
Oh mama, if you're there somewhere, I still remember you, even if I don't have the memories anymore.....