Chapter 4
It's not until I stop my self-pity party that I realize I've completely lost track of who's come to visit me and who hasn't. If they've sent Grandmother in, it has to have been days now....... Wow.
Long nap.
I wonder if Dad's come. Honestly, I can't even wager a guess what he would do, or will do, when he finds out. Our relationship is just so bizarre right now. He's completely detached himself from the family, but still, the two of us have managed to keep some tenuous bond between us.
I seem to have the ability to relate to alienated family members.
He shouldn't come. He should be focusing on getting better........ I myself know about that all too well.
Okay, I can relate to the junkies too.
Yet part of me wants him to drop everything and come rushing. That's good ole' selfish me though. Always desperate for the spotlight. And they wondered where my sudden devotion to modeling came from......
"Emily...."
Oh god. I'm pretty sure if I could feel anything right now, it would be nausea.
"It's Nikolas...... I don't know if you can hear me--"
Loud and clear.
"Um, well.... I-- I really wish you'd wake up--"
Very original Nikolas, very original.
"You know, you helped me so much when I was shot-- I'll help you too when you get better..."
For some reason, I suddenly find this very funny. I'm not quite sure why...... I mean, if anything, the realization has struck me that in all truth this should be anything *but* funny. Maybe it's that heightened senses thing-- you know, when they say blind people have increased senses of smell and touch and taste-- that sort of thing. Maybe, I'm seeing more with my eyes shut.
My *closest* friend is having a hard time talking to me. This is it. This is our relationship in it's simplest form-- no small talk, no distractions-- and there's nothing there. Well, I shouldn't say nothing. I won't deny the concern in his voice, or the tender tone... I do love him for all he tries to do... But this, it's not enough...... It's just so much weaker then I ever thought......
"I'll come back tomorrow okay?"
Obligatory.
He'll always be my "big brother", doing his duties to protect me...... Just another of many. I feel like a precious ming vase. I'm guarded, handled with kid-gloves-- standing on my own is a gamble the people around me aren't willing to take, and god-forbid someone should take a risk with me...... I guess I'm destined to a life of sitting around, gathering dust.
Damn.
That's about all I can say anymore-- I've given up caring..... Trying to change that fact has drained me of all my energy. I can't do it anymore-- I gave up. Maybe that's why I'm here like I am now. I suppose that would make sense. I think that's what happened last time..... well, except that "coma" was with the aid of drugs, of course.
I guess I can take solace in the fact that I didn't give in physically this time...... just mentally.
But then again, it might be easier if I did give in physically....
And completely.
It's not until I stop my self-pity party that I realize I've completely lost track of who's come to visit me and who hasn't. If they've sent Grandmother in, it has to have been days now....... Wow.
Long nap.
I wonder if Dad's come. Honestly, I can't even wager a guess what he would do, or will do, when he finds out. Our relationship is just so bizarre right now. He's completely detached himself from the family, but still, the two of us have managed to keep some tenuous bond between us.
I seem to have the ability to relate to alienated family members.
He shouldn't come. He should be focusing on getting better........ I myself know about that all too well.
Okay, I can relate to the junkies too.
Yet part of me wants him to drop everything and come rushing. That's good ole' selfish me though. Always desperate for the spotlight. And they wondered where my sudden devotion to modeling came from......
"Emily...."
Oh god. I'm pretty sure if I could feel anything right now, it would be nausea.
"It's Nikolas...... I don't know if you can hear me--"
Loud and clear.
"Um, well.... I-- I really wish you'd wake up--"
Very original Nikolas, very original.
"You know, you helped me so much when I was shot-- I'll help you too when you get better..."
For some reason, I suddenly find this very funny. I'm not quite sure why...... I mean, if anything, the realization has struck me that in all truth this should be anything *but* funny. Maybe it's that heightened senses thing-- you know, when they say blind people have increased senses of smell and touch and taste-- that sort of thing. Maybe, I'm seeing more with my eyes shut.
My *closest* friend is having a hard time talking to me. This is it. This is our relationship in it's simplest form-- no small talk, no distractions-- and there's nothing there. Well, I shouldn't say nothing. I won't deny the concern in his voice, or the tender tone... I do love him for all he tries to do... But this, it's not enough...... It's just so much weaker then I ever thought......
"I'll come back tomorrow okay?"
Obligatory.
He'll always be my "big brother", doing his duties to protect me...... Just another of many. I feel like a precious ming vase. I'm guarded, handled with kid-gloves-- standing on my own is a gamble the people around me aren't willing to take, and god-forbid someone should take a risk with me...... I guess I'm destined to a life of sitting around, gathering dust.
Damn.
That's about all I can say anymore-- I've given up caring..... Trying to change that fact has drained me of all my energy. I can't do it anymore-- I gave up. Maybe that's why I'm here like I am now. I suppose that would make sense. I think that's what happened last time..... well, except that "coma" was with the aid of drugs, of course.
I guess I can take solace in the fact that I didn't give in physically this time...... just mentally.
But then again, it might be easier if I did give in physically....
And completely.