Dismal Angel 2010 - Episode 5

Chapter 5:  Cigarettes and Regrets

Rogue flicked the lighter and swore as the wind blew the flame out before she had a chance to put it to the cigarette, "fuck," she whispered, she flicked the lighter again and again, cupping her hand around the flame until finally the cigarette lit up, and the smoke, disgusting as it was, reassuringly filled her lungs.

"I…didn't know you smoked."

Rogue turned, there standing on the back porch with her was Kitty.  Kitty's flimsy lilac blouse rippled in the cold wind, and her hair stirred around her face.  "I don't," Rogue sighed, she exhaled a cloud of smoke that dispersed into the air.

"I take it you found out about Remy…" Kitty said quietly, she shoved her hands in the pockets of her dark grey pants, she looked away in a distant way.

Rogue gave a shrug, but to be asked this made her heart leap into her throat, she took another drag of the cigarette, coughed a little and blinked.  "Have there been any…uhm…changes to his condition?"

"Hank won't tell me much, just that for now he's still in a critical condition – and he's breathing.  But he'll make it…a blood transfusion from Logan worked wonders.  It was pretty lucky they have the same blood type – and since Logan's healing factor is so advanced he was able to redeem more blood for a second transfusion – which in the end saved Remy's life," Kitty looked to Rogue, searching for a reaction.  Right then she was almost sure she could see the love for Remy still in Rogue's eyes.  Even after all these years, Rogue still wanted to rush to Remy's side.

Rogue nodded, "good…good," she said quite nervously.
             Kitty took the cigarette from Rogue and took a long drag, exhaling the smoke easily without cough nor blink as if she'd been smoking all her life, "he's still crazy about you, you know," she said.

Rogue was surprised by this as well as Kitty's taking the cigarette, "he is?" she queried very lightly as she put the Zippo lighter in the back pocket of her denim skirt.

Kitty gave a nod, and handed the cigarette back to Rogue, "he told me so – he was so cut up about it, too…" she added.

"But that can't be," Rogue took another drag of the cigarette, giving another weak cough, "if that was true – and he really is crazy about me – then why did he push me away when I—"

Kitty didn't even need to hear the end of Rogue's question, she interjected, "he loves you – but he doesn't want you back," she admitted, "He made it clear…" Kitty's expression became downhearted and she learned against the large Doric pillar on the porch.

"That's stupid," Rogue commented coldly, she tossed the cigarette to the ground and stomped it out hastily, in her anger leaving a slight dent out of the concrete not realising her immense strength. 

"Not really," Kitty shrugged, she began to head back inside, "his reasons were valid…"

Rogue followed, "oh yes, he 'always' appears to have a valid reason for everything, just an excuse in my opinion."

"Y'know, you shouldn't talk about him like that," Kitty spun around and looked at her warningly, "you don't know him anymore and you can't make judgements on him like that."

"You can't tell me what I can't say about who I want to talk about," Rogue frowned a little, "and you can't stand there and tell me I have no right to feel at least a tiny bit bitter after what the man put me through."

"And you can't stand there acting like you're the only one who has feelings!" Kitty frowned, "He's still human, he STILL has feelings, even when he acts all stoic and blasé, he STILL feels things…and if you only knew…" Kitty clenched her fists.

"If I knew what?!" Rogue demanded in a yell, they began walking, Kitty walking ahead some distance, Rogue following, her footsteps loud in the quiet hallway.

Kitty drew her breath to calm herself, she'd been on an emotional roller coaster since finding out about her parents death and she knew if she didn't curb it right now, it would only crash.  "Y'know what, I'm not gonna fight with you," she said, "and I'm not going to tell you what he made me promise I wouldn't – because I'm a true friend to him," Kitty tried to walk away.

"True friend – is that what its called when you're liplocked with the guy?" Rogue wasn't exactly sure where this came from, perhaps jealousy from all those years ago when Remy had kissed Kitty in the recreation room.  She wasn't sure where she had drawn this mad conclusion but as Kitty turned with an expression of guilt plastered on her usually innocent face, Rogue knew she'd caught her out.

             Kitty was speechless, her mouth hanging open, blue eyes wide in shock.

             "Oh my god…" Rogue felt as if her nervous system were about to go into spasms with the shock, "oh my god…you didn't…oh my god…" she put her hand to her mouth, shaking her head.  "You…you…after you knew I still…oh god…oh my god…"

             Kitty finally pulled herself together, "I was distraught – and he pulled away!"

             "You kissed him!  You knew I still cared for him!"

             "Did I?" Kitty frowned, "You deny it every other day!  And it didn't mean anything – and even if it did, what business is it of yours?  You want to keep a safe distance from him, you don't want him with the X-Men…why should you even care?"

             "Because he's my first love!" Rogue yelled, "the ONLY guy I ever loved."

             Kitty looked at her, "look, first of all I don't even CARE about Remy that way, he's my FRIEND, and that's IT, and I was distraught, my parents died and I don't know what the fuck happened, it just did, it was a kiss…that HE pulled away from.  And even without him needing to say it I knew it was because of you he did…" Kitty gestured towards Rogue, "you know what, you're even more fucked up than he is!"

             Rogue's eyes were wide, her mouth hanging open in shock, Kitty was rarely this forward with her, and they rarely ever argued.

             "DENIAL is more than a river in Egypt, Rogue," Kitty frowned, "if you still love him, then tell him, if you don't, then stop overreacting at everything that happens with him!  If you want him, try to work it out WITH him, if you don't, then pull away COMPLETELY and go screw around with Bobby or whoever, but stop sitting on the fucking fence trying to have it both ways."

             Rogue was still so silent, lost for words.  "How can I have him?!" she finally managed angrily, "He doesn't want me back!" she reminded, "You just told me he has valid reasons!" she added angrily.

             "He doesn't want you but he needs you!" Kitty wrung her hands in frustration, "You two are as bad as each other, only at least he admitted he has problems!  You either run away from your problems or ignore them – try to shut them out instead of dealing with them."

             Rogue sucked in her breath, she was shaking with anger, "He ran from his problems, that's HOW he lost ME!"
             "Right, like if you accidentally murdered one of us would you stick around to face the consequences?!  I don't think so!  You'd run.  You'd get scared, and you'd run.  We ALL would," Kitty pointed out, her anger was blazing out of control, and even to someone as confident and strong as Rogue, Kitty seemed particularly dangerous.  "Remy's running was totally understandable, he had to!  He HAD no choice!  And even if he hadn't run you would have wound up hating him anyway!"

Rogue looked away from her friend, she let her limbs become rigid hoping the shaking from the emotion would subside.

Kitty kept on, "Running from you was the hardest thing Remy EVER had to do, it gutted him totally, he regrets it still!  It fucked him up ROYALLY, Rogue, do you understand that.  Seven years later and it STILL fucks him up – way more than it EVER fucked you up."

             Rogue felt tears sting her eyes, she could say nothing, she simply stood, letting all this emotional abuse come flying at her from her friend.  Rogue became so helpless the more and more emotional cannon fodder came hurtling towards her from Kitty that she dare not even move for fear of provoking her friend any further. 

             "I can't make his problems go away, Rogue, I can't make him feel better, I can't make everything alright for him – I only have to look at him to know that…if you look in his eyes and see this emptiness there…"

Rogue knew that emptiness Kitty was speaking of, she'd seen it before several years before.  "I can't make his problems go away, either, Kitty!  I don't even know what problems you're talking about!" Rogue finally retorted.

             "Then maybe you should try and find out!  He needs you to find out, he needs to be there for him in ways I can't!" Kitty turned away stubbornly, "I can't offer him what you can…"

             "What do you mean?" Rogue's voice was quivering in anticipation.

             "You need to speak to him…" Kitty lowered her voice starting to become calm, she hated to admit even to herself that now she'd yelled at Rogue she felt better.

             "But you said he doesn't want me back!  That he has valid reasons!" Rogue pointed out.

             "The reasons are purely academic – and they can be overlooked if you just try…" Kitty responded, "He still wants to be with you, he told me so himself…"

             Rogue rubbed her head, all this information felt like a brick in the face, she wasn't prepared for it and it was becoming so powerfully overwhelming that she couldn't contain it much anymore, it felt like her head would explode with all the emotion.  "I can't do anything while he's in critical condition…" Rogue realised, she sat on the floor, still rubbing her head.

             "Yes you can…you can think about what you're going to say to him when he's out of it – and he WILL come out of it…"

             Rogue shook her head, "this is all so much…"

             "Even if you don't want to be back with Remy, your friendship would make all the difference, Rogue," Kitty looked at her, "your forgiveness and apology would make all the difference."

             "My forgiveness?" Rogue asked with an eyebrow raised, "AND an apology?  For what!?" she asked in disbelief.

             "You never forgave him for running away…and you never apologised for hating him all those years," Kitty looked to her, "I think it still gets to him."

             "He never asked for forgiveness," Rogue reminded.

             "He needs it, Rogue, trust me," Kitty sighed, and with that, left Rogue alone in the hall, alone with her thoughts.