Title: A Dream Life
Author: Andrea (CarbyLove@aol.com)
Rating: Probably pushing PG-13 … or maybe not, I don't quite know how to rate the written word.
Author's Note: Thanks for all the great reviews and um … enjoy.
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A Dream Life
Chapter 2: Where It All Begins
He looks stunned. And why shouldn't he? It came as quite a surprise to me too. Not telling him just now. I knew I had do that as soon as he got home; it wasn't the kind of thing I could keep to myself for long.
No, I'm still surprised that I made the decision at all. It's always been such a complicated issue for me. It's only been since I've been with Carter that I've even allowed myself to think that maybe motherhood was an attainable goal for me. I know he wants kids. And deep down, it's what I've always wanted too. No, wanting it was never the issue. I always felt like it was something I shouldn't do, no matter how much I may have wanted it. Have children and pass on my mother's disease? That's hardly fair to anyone. Have children and turn into Maggie or some reasonable likeness of her? I couldn't do that to my child. And I always figured that there would come that inevitable day when my children's father would disappear the way my own father had. Then what would I do? Besides, what makes me think I deserve another chance? I blew the chance that I got -- who am I to ask for a second chance?
I'm still not sure that this is something I should be contemplating. All I know is that the thought of having a baby occupies my thoughts more and more. It's been steadily creeping up from the back of my mind for sometime now. Every time I watch Carter with kids in the ER, I think about it. Every time I take care of a child myself at work, I think about it. When I see families in the park or at the diner or walking down the street, I think about it. When I see diaper commercials, I think about it. Needless to say, when I was in Guatemala delivering baby after baby, I thought about it. A lot.
But I didn't make the decision until I was coming home on the plane. In a fit of complete boredom, I started making a 'to do' list for when I got home. And then I cleaned out my purse. And in between gum wrappers and tissues and loose change, I came up with birth control pills. I popped the lid on the compact-like case, checking to see how many were left, just to find that it was nearly empty. I'd have to fill prescription as soon as I got home. Flipping the page on my notebook open, I'd started to write it down. And then I paused. And thought about it for a minute.
At first I thought to myself that it was a good thing I was heading home after all. I hadn't thought to bring along a back-up supply of The Pill, and if I'd been in Guatemala for those next couple of weeks sharing a very small, very cozy, sometimes downright romantic hut with my husband, we could have come home with a bigger 'souvenir' than we'd intended. At first I felt relief, but then the regret started creeping in. Bored to death on the plane, I sat there and conjured up a whole fantasy of what might have been. We might have returned to Chicago together in a couple weeks. And then, shortly after that I might have noticed the first signs. I could see myself taking the test, nervous and hopeful, John close by my side. I could imagine us celebrating the fact that in a small hut, under the Guatemalan stars, we'd started our family. And for a moment it seemed so real that when I realized it would never be, a felt a lump in my throat. And it became to clear to me what I wanted. Maybe we wouldn't conceive a child under the Central American skies, but we could sure try for one at home, in our own bed. I scratched out the last entry on my 'to do' list. And mentally, I added a new one.
"Abby?" His voice brings back to the moment. I look at his face, into his eyes. His dark brown pools, search my own eyes, probably trying to read me and make sure that this is true. "Did you just say what I think you said?"
I straighten up, lifting my head off his shoulder, rearranging myself so that I'm straddling his pajama-bottomed clad lap and we are face to face. I look right at him and say it clearly, boldly, with more confidence than I actually feel. "I want to have a baby."
"You do?" I nod slightly, biting on my lip, trying not to let my nerves get the better of me. "Really?" Another nod in the affirmative. Our hands are clasped together, held between our bodies. I look down at them for a moment, and when I look back up at his face, it's just in time to catch the transformation. The look of surprised awe gives way to one of complete joy and excitement. And then he starts laughing. It's contagious. Soon we're sitting on the couch laughing and smiling. I had a feeling this would make him happy. After a few moments of some giggly laughter, he leans forward and captures my lips in a kiss. He pulls away and looks at me with tears pooled up in his eyes.
"I love you." His voice is soft and tender.
"I love you, too." Of course I do. If I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't be able to consider this. But with him it's different. I know it is. He's not going anywhere. Not now, not ever. And I know with absolutely certainty that even if the day came when he and I couldn't be together anymore, he'd never walk away from his children. Of course, I can't fathom a day when we wouldn't be together. Sure we have our fights, our disagreements, and sometimes there have been moments that threatened to tear us apart. And somehow we've gotten through every one of those and come out the other side stronger and closer.
"So …" he starts with a huge grin on his face that he can't seem to wipe off, "when did this happen?"
"On the plane, coming home." I recount the details of the boredom, my flight of fantasy, the unfilled prescription.
"Let me see if I've got this straight. You decided you wanted to have a baby when you realized how close you came to being stranded with your husband in a third world nation without proper access to birth control?"
"Pretty much. I was kind of regretting the lost opportunity. Of course, as it turns out, there probably wouldn't have been an opportunity while we were in Guatemala anyway."
"We seemed to do just fine in that hut."
"Yeah, I remember." I wiggle in his lap a little bit, doing a little bump and grind with my hips against his. His hands have let go of mine and wander over my thighs, around to my butt and up my back. "But that's not what I meant."
"Oh, what did you mean?" I hear a little moan escape from deep in his throat as I lean forward to plant a kiss on his neck before answering.
"Well, it wouldn't have been the right time. You know, I wouldn't have been ovulating."
"And uh … when will you be ovulating?" His hands hold my hips in place while his hips move upward, making sure I can feel the stirring underneath the bottom half of the pair of pajamas we are sharing.
"Well, there's no guarantee that I will just yet. You know as well as I do that when a woman stops taking The Pill, it can take months for her body to start working again." My turn to moan as he leans his head forward into the v-made by the undone top buttons of my shirt. With his head nuzzling between my breasts, his lips caress the smooth skin of my chest
"And some woman miss one pill and get pregnant." His voice is husky now and somehow that is just about the sexiest thing he could have said to me at the moment.
"That's true. But I might not start ovulating for months."
"But let's just say it was gonna happen, when exactly would it be happening?"
"Uh … now."
"So?" He's kissing my neck and running his hands up and down my back again. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm really following the conversation anymore.
"So what?"
"Did you?
"Did I what?"
He pulls away from my neck and his hands stop moving. "Did you send in your entry for the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes?"
"Huh?"
"Abby, try to stay with me here."
"Okay, sorry."
"So did you?"
"Send in my sweepstakes entry? I don't really think this is the time --"
"Agh!" His head falls back against the couch in mock frustration. I lean forward and find his mouth for a short kiss. Soon enough his lips stray back to my neck and down to my partly exposed shoulder.
"To answer your other question … I don't know. I was never one of those women who could just tell when they were ovulating. And even if I could have once-upon-a-time, I've been on the pill so long now, I'm not sure I would remember what it felt like that."
"So you could be ovulating right now." He looks up from neck and smiles devilishly at me.
My arms wrapped around his neck I say, "There's only one way to find out."
"Wanna go make a baby?"
"Yeah, let's go make a baby."
He stands up, lifting me up with him. My legs wrap around his waist and I bend my head down so that our lips can meet in a quick kiss before he starts off for the bedroom. He lays me down on the bed, his own body following along. I've missed this while we've been apart. The familiar feeling of his weight on top of me, the comfort I've always found in it. He's kissing my neck again, and slowly moving his lips down to my chest. I close my eyes and think about how different this is from all the other times. Oh, I know the odds are against me actually getting pregnant this time, but still this is the first time we will actually be joining together in the hopes of creating a new life. And there is something incredibly beautiful about making love, knowing that you are trying to make a baby. Whether our child is created tonight or not, I know this is the start of something big, a whole new era in our lives together. And I know our lovemaking tonight will be like no other.
"Abby?" He's brought his face back up level with mine. His eyes are shining, and I know he's thinking the same thoughts I am. A couple of hopeless romantics. Yeah, that's us. "Abby, are you sure?"
Am I sure? Of course not. How can I be sure when my heart says one thing, and most of the time, my head says something else? I don't think I can ever really be sure. But I think that maybe it's time to listen to my heart. "Yeah," I tell him, "I'm sure." And we seal those words with a kiss.
It's a long lingering kiss. Deep and sensual. We're making a promise to each other in that moment. A commitment quite unlike any other that either of us has ever experienced. We're committing to having a child together, to always being, quite literally, a part of each other. Because once there is a child born that is a part of each of us, our lives will be forever entwined. In some ways this feels like an even bigger commitment than marriage. Marriages end. The bonds of parenthood are forever. But there's no one else in this world I'd want to go through it with but him.
"You're gonna be the best daddy." Normally not the kind of thing to say to a man who is carefully running his tongue around your ear, but on this night it's different. Those words only serve to fuel his fire.
He stops for a moment to look into my eyes. "And our kids are gonna be so lucky to have you as their mother." I smile up at him and he smiles back before leaning down to attack my mouth once again.
Our lovemaking this night is different. Sweet and gentle, as it often is. But infused with something more. We're both caught up in the romanticism of making a baby together. And I feel closer to him than ever.
Afterwards, we lie close together, arms wrapped around each other. His head rests on my naked chest, his hands lightly caress my back. I look down at him as he turns his eyes up toward me.
"So … do you think it worked?" He asks with that sweet little grin of his. Somehow this makes me picture what could be happening inside my body very shortly. Only I see it as a cartoon. In my mind I see the cartoon egg just floating along, minding its own business when it's suddenly it's barraged by an army of pushy sperm trying to weasel their way in. It's a funny image so I laugh. "I didn't think it was that out of the question." He says with a snort of indignation.
"It's not." I say, as I fight for control. "That's not what I was laughing. I was just … oh never mind." Somehow I can't bring myself to talk about cartoon conceptions out loud.
"So what do you think?"
"I don't know. How would I know something like that?"
"Women's intuition?"
"I don't think I have that. But I don't know, what are the odds if it happening on the first try?"
"You never know, maybe we got lucky."
"I don't think I'm that lucky."
"Maybe I am. After all, I was lucky enough to get you." I roll my eyes at this and give him a playful nudge in the hip with my knee.
"You better get off me."
"Why?" he asks, looking perfectly content in his resting place, body between my legs, head using my breasts as a pillow.
"Because I should really be elevating my hips, don't you think? Using gravity to give things a little help?"
"Oh, right. Good idea." He shifts his position to lay besides me, propped up on one arm. He pulls a pillow from behind him. "Here you go. Put this under you." Oh my God, he thought I was serious. Um, okay, I'll play along. I get situated with a pillow under my butt. I can't believe this really helps things along, but if it makes him happy … just so long as he doesn't try to make me stand on my head.
He reaches out and run his hand over my belly. Softly, reverently. "Just think. There could be all kinds of magic going on in there right now. It could be just a matter or time until you have a baby growing in you. The whole thing could be starting right now."
"You really think so?"
"Sure, why not? The virility of the Carter men is legendary."
I raise an eyebrow to that one. "Oh really. Some legend; I've never heard a thing about it."
"Well, I like to keep it quiet. Wouldn't have wanted to scare you away or anything."
"Uh-huh. So what do you think? Should we be making a bet? You seem pretty confident."
"And you're not?"
"Well, let's just say, I wouldn't want you to get your hopes up." I look at him solemnly. "Seriously, I don't want you to be disappointed if it doesn't happen right away. It's bound to take a few months. But don't worry, I'm not challenging the Carter family honor … if it takes some time, it's bound to just be my body needing a chance to readjust."
"Oh well," he says as he rolls over on to his back, hands behind his head. "If it didn't happen this time … we'll just have to keep trying."
"Yeah, and that would be such a burden. But I guess if that's what it takes …"
"Well, practice does make perfect."
"Well …" I give him a wicked little smile.
"Maybe we should get some more 'practice' right now."
"Do you think we really need it?" I ask he leans over to kiss me.
"Oh yeah," he says between kisses. "Definitely. Besides, the more often we do it, the better the chances."
"Oh really?"
"The more sperm the better, don't you think?"
"I don't think that's the way it works. I mean, too often and we just deplete the resources."
"Abby, could you just play along?" he asks as his body once again covers mine.
Yeah, sure … I can do that.