PART 10: VIA DOLOROSA

This is beginning to get a pattern, Jax thought. Me here, laying on the bed like I'm dead in my coffin, looking at the ceiling… A whole lot of white, with all those interesting cracks in it. The only thing that can take my mind of everything.

Everything… Why did Iz have to start that fight? Why does she always have to start fights, and scream, and make people angry? I can't take that. She knows Zion is a good leader, he didn't mean for all this to happen. I don't like Iz, she talks too loud. She causes trouble. I don't like trouble. Trouble is painful.

Well, I guess everything is painful. Except for the cutting, that is. Isn't it absolutely bizarre, how I can find things normal people have no problem with painful, but when I do something to myself that's supposed to hurt… - at least, that's what most people ask: "Doesn't that hurt?"- then I don't feel pain at all. The pain feels like something good, like it frees me, but at the same time, doesn't make my mind get lost. Because that would be horrible.

"Horrible? What do you mean: 'horrible'? Nobody would have a problem with it if you ceased to excist. But you have to be the only one again. The only one that thinks about everything his way. The weirdo. The freak. So selfish. You're never ready to please others."

Oh, there you go, it's that voice again. You know, it was there too before, when I was still living in nature. But it was just a whisper, stripped of any real power, in the background of my head. Some sort of annoying streetmusician nobody pays attention to. It definitely got better for out in the woods. I felt nice and… free there. I can't tell why exactly. But the city has always closed me in. Tall, grey, cold, mean buildings, towering above you, looking down at you with their glass eyes.

No, I prefer the strong trees against which you can lean, that give you shade with their beautiful green leaves, that draw strength from the most reliable, purest force of all –the simple earth- and pass it onto everyone who touches them. I used to love to talk to trees, when I had no one to talk to. At times it truly seemed like they were listening to me, like the wind in their leaves was a comforting whisper, like they were sending me a bit of their natural, green energy.

Now who am I supposed to talk to? The buildings? The walls? They'll only reject me, cold and hard as they are. Made by humans, made to resemble humans. I don't like the work of humans. I like what nature made much better. So I guess I can understand Iz in one way… I understand why she doesn't like the city.

I saw her talking to a tree once too, out loud. I only do that in my head, I don't want people to think I'm any more crazy then they already think I am. But Iz doesn't care whether people think she's crazy. She doesn't care what people think about her at all, she lives her life like she wants to. So careless and free. She talked to animals to at times. You didn't expect it, from such a hard, rude girl. Hmm… maybe there are really two different Iz's.

I wish I could be like Iz. I bet she's happy and free all the time.

*

Iz's hands were trembling and she accidently dropped the last plate, which she had just cleaned. She saw the plate fall in slow-motion, hit the hard ground. It cracked like the ground when it was hit by an earthquake, and it shattered into three neat pieces, shining in white.

Iz kneeled to the ground, eyes set on 'blank, mindless staring' and picked up the pieces of cheap porcelain. Suddenly she couldn't take it anymore. This was just the one last little thing that needed to happen. For the first time in years, Iz buried her face in her hands, let her hair hang in front of it like a dark curtain, and cried.

*

Jax was rather happy to be able to reach for the knife again. If Zion knew about it, he would freak out. People had blamed Jax for not having the self-control to tell someone about it before he wanted to do it, to just put the knife down and do something else to take his mind of things.

But Jax really didn't want to tell anybody about it, because he was almost happy to have this, the last bit of control, the last bit of release. The only thing that could clear things up a little when his mind became a chaos, the only thing that could make him feel again when he was so… empty. The only help. The shrinks didn't know what it did for him, and didn't allow him to have any sharp objects in his room.

They just didn't know that everything was better for a while when he did this! But this time they were gonna leave him to it. This time no one was going to find out. In this claustrophobic chaos he would just hold on to this, so that he would keep control and wouldn't cut his wrists instead of his arms one day. This would be his life-saver until the horrible winter was over and he could go back to nature, where he would have plenty of delightful space, where he could talk to trees again…

Where everything would be alright again.

Damn it, Iz was right, Jax thought. We could've just made ourselves a winter-shelter, gather enough supplies. But no, Zion had to take it easy during the summer, couldn't afford being a good leader or working and now look where we end up.

"Are you blaming Zion for this?" The voice was back again. "It's not Zions fault you're a fruitcake that freaks out when he has to be in the city, is it? Is that Zions fault? No, it's your own. God… you could almost start to feel sorry for the guy. First his sense of responsibility caused him to take you, a great liability, everywhere he went, and he wasn't even able to join any tribe before they would accept you… even though you could be nearly sure of the fact that would never happen. And when he finally found the right tribe, finally had peace from you, you're still causing him problems. And you're blaming him for all that, while you're the one to blame. It's so easy to just accuse others, isn't it, instead of looking at what you've done yourself? It's pathetic."

Jax head nodded along like it was loose on a stick, along to the rhythm the voice spoke in. Because strange as it might've seemed… the voice did speak in a rhythm. A crazy rhythm, going faster and faster, building up to some climax. Jax knew exactly what that climax would be, and he was scared to death.

He had to get release. Just for a little while. Self-mutilation the shrinks called it, and they also thought he was suicidal. When he slipped a knife into his room, and they saw it covered in blood, they called that suicidal behaviour, shoved some shiny, happy pills in his throat and put him in this thing called the separationchamber, a horrible little greenwhite room, with round walls and totally empty, except for a mattress. That didn't help at all, it only made him feel worse. If they only would've let him cut, then it would've been okay, for a short while. Psychiatry didn't help anyway.

But this time, no one was going to stop him.

Jax let the scalpel, its sharp silver blade, slide across his skin again and watch it in total fascination, as if it was someone elses arm. The familiar, stinging sensation told him that it wasn't. Criss-cross, over old scars. Blood was welling from the redpink lines, in a truly fascinating way.

Jax looked at it like he was stoned. The blood had always been something amazing to look at. How it slowly rose up in some sort of bubble, in one corner of the cut. Then it seemed like the cut became raffly, but that was just because more blood was welling from it. If the cut was deep and long enough, the blood ran down slowly. And with the blood, the chaos from his mind slowly released.

Jax heard that in the old Victorian asylums doctors used bloodlettings to release the insane minds of their patients. Jax was thinking… maybe the Victorian doctors were smarter than the ones that had lived right before the violence, who only wanted to weaken you with 'anti-depressant' chemicals.

But this was the only thing that helped. It did help. It would until they would finally leave this horrible place, and go back to their old, good home.

*

Kita hadn't been brought back to bed after dinner. Instead, she had been put in a small, empty room. It had one small window, in front of which three wooden boards had been nailed without much expertice. If it would've been day, some light would have flowed through the openings between those boards. But it was night now, and because there was a new moon, there wasn't any moonlight either. Even that cold illumination would've been comforting.

Kita said in the dark, unable to see anything. She had cried the first hour, but eventually she just had no tears left, and her body had turned cold and feelingless. She just lay there without moving a muscle, her gaze that of a zombie. Anyone that would've seen her, would've believed that she was dead.

But unfortunately, I'm not that lucky, Kita thought.

That was the first clear thought she had in hours. She had tried not to think of anything at all. Bad thoughts had taken over, the darkness had closed her in. She'd been afraid she would lose herself, go insane, so she just held on to one nice image.

She remembered an old oaktree, in the middle of the tiny village of huts they had created in the forest. A beautiful strong Grandfather Tree. One day in the summer, Kita had sat in front of it, and then she saw the cutest squirrel running up the tree, jumping from branch to branch, washing his face with his little paws from time to time.

That was the image Kita held on to for the sake of her sanity: the cute squirrel in the old oaktree.

*

Raja sang her baby to sleep with her honey-dripping voice.

"Ka'nahn di rahma,''she whispered to him, in a fantasy-language only the two of them could understand. Words of a pure creek, slowly flowing over white rocks, forming a blue line between trees metres-high, the language of small people that never grew old and lived underneath a magic rock. The language you could only understand if you wanted to, the language she had used to soothe Jax the other day.

Raja thought about Jax. That poor boy seemed pretty stressed-out tonight. Not very strange, with that big fight between Iz and Zion that had taken place. But… when she walked him back to his room, he seemed alright. Yeah, he was probably okay.

Raja looked at her baby-boy, who was sleeping peacefully, his thumb in his mouth. Raja moved the thumb out of the toddler's mouth, and placed the hand on the blanket carefully.

"Your fingers aren't lollypops, are they, sweetie?"she whispered a question Aaron could only answer in his dreams.

This reminded Raja of the fact that she still had the childish habit of sucking her thumb in her sleep sometimes. Like… last night with Dart. Raja's cheeks turned red with shame when she thought about that. She was such a naïve, immature little girl. She was still no more grown-up than her son, and she never took anything serious. How would she ever get to Dart, then? She really did love him.

Maybe… she really was a weakling.

Raja took a look in the mirror that was hanging in her room. Her long, darkblonde hair tied in a messy bun, a white fluffy flower in her hair, a simple top in the colour of the sun, a daisy painted on her cheek, and innocent, ignorant look on her face.

Urgh, Dart's right! she thought. I'm a little, weak girl. It's like I never grew past the age of ten… mentally, that is. Shy and naïve.

Maybe, for Dart to like her, she had to toughen up a little!

In her enthusiasm, Raja grabbed scissors and was already about to cut off all her schoolgirl-long hair… but eh, she figured she didn't need to go that far. Instead she just ripped the feather out of her hair, washed the daisy of her cheek, and took off her golden charm-bracelet with the little harts attached to it.

She took off all her clothes and started to go through her closet, looking for something a little tougher. Less girlish, less childish, less… ugh… happy, happy.

But there wasn't much, which was to expected since she had traveled through an untamed landscape for nearly a month. And all that she did have, was colourful, and simple yet nice.

Raja rolled her eyes in pure exasperation, put on her robe (a pink one, she had had it since the virus hit, and it was getting sort of small). She ran across the silent hallway, through Iz's room. She wondered what would be needed to get Iz to lend some of her clothes.

But, as it appeared, Iz wasn't even in her room. Good.

Raja rummaged through Iz's closet instead, and found just what she needed. In five minutes she turned herself into an Iz-clone, with very tight, shiny, silverish pants with black lines going over it and a simple white top with black sleeves. Knee-high black lace-up boots for a finishing touch… and she didn't look like a weakling anymore!

Er, probably. Raja looked at herself in Iz's mirror, and wasn't completely satisfied with the result yet. She put her hair into a tight knot, so tight the skin near her eyes was pulled up, making her look a little Asian.

No make-up. Dart would probably not like that female stuff. She just drew darkblue lines over her cheeks. Raja jumped around in utter happiness. Oh wait, now she was acting like a child again! She stopped right away, looking around for anyone. She tried to take more of a tough stance. Like a fightergirl. A person Dart would respect and admire, because if she didn't get those two things from him, she would surely never get close enough to him to let him love her either.

Raja walked back to her room. She could hardly pound on Darts door right now. Really… she should scream at him and tell him how rude he was… Yeah, wait a minute! Why was she having this whole dress-up-party for a guy that kicked her out of his bed and called her a weakling?

Why was she having dress-up-party's anyway? As if there weren't other things to worry about. Kita for instance.

*

Kita sat, crawled up in a corner of the dark room. Scared to move. Scared to make the slightest room. She didn't know what could make HIM come to this room, so best to do nothing. Nothing at all.

Her body still ached. She had a terribly sour taste in her mouth, because of the vomiting, but she had nothing to wash it away with. She didn't get a lot to drink what so ever.

Shuffles. Shuffling of feet. She heard it, she could swear she heard it, and it was getting closer. It was HIM, it had to be, who else could it be?! Oh God… what would he do? What would he do?!

No, Kita told herself, it's all in your mind.

But it wasn't. The shuffling of feet was real, someone was nearing the door to this dark room. Kita heard the metal sound of keys. A lock was opened, and the shield between the real world and this hell broken for a short time. Kita saw him standing on the hallway… He opened the door!

She whimpered, but what she expected didn't come. Instead, a half-unconscious girl, only a few years younger than Kita, but with features she couldn't distinguish in the non-existent light, was pushed in. The girl fell to her knees, and the door was locked right away again.

Kita looked at her… what would be the word for it…? Cellmate?

The girl started to come to.

"Hello?"Kita said.

*

Kita looked at the girl in full amazement. It was hard to see anything but a blurry silhouette, the velvet, frosty blanket of the night thrown over them both. Was it really what she thought it was? Was it… another girl?

Kita clenched her fists, pressing her nails into her flesh. She didn't even know the girl, and in situations like this people usually only have time to pity themselves. But the pain had nearly left her body, and darkness and loneliness always put Kita at ease –only when surrounded by both Kita could stay perfectly calm while thinking.

This day alone had caused her to think that she had really died the previous night and ended up in hell, for whatever sin that may be. Maybe for having to many boyfriends, to say in a euphemistic way, and the raping could be considered symbolic in a nearly hilarious way, if it hadn't had been to awful for words, and Kita still shuddered in absolute terror.

She nearly started hyperventilating when she thought she heard footsteps, she would do anything to get out of this pace, some sort of madman's lair, but… she was still able to care about another living creature.

That girl, lying semi-conscious on the floor, she was even younger than Kita was. Kita didn't need the light of day to tell that. The poor kid probably just went out for a stroll or something and all of the sudden, you're seeped into decay, into a life that closely resembled hell, and there's no way to tell –no way to tell- how long exactly life was going to last. If your friends would be able to find you alive, or dead.

Did he kill his victims? Kita recalled he had briefly talked about another girl, apparently talking to himself… a girl named Ayanda. There had been girls, and he had just captured a new one –fresh meat, Kita couldn't help but think.

But… only the two of them were here now. Then where could the other girl, this Ayanda, be? And maybe the other girls before her? Because if they weren't here… don't think, don't even think, don't think it, goddamnit!

Kita had to keep screaming it out inside her head, but that didn't help. She thought it eventually and knew it was true: this man –or monster, rather- had already killed. And he would do it again. Psychopaths. In the old world, before the virus, you saw them on the news all the time. And you felt sorry for those people who got killed, but you didn't pay too much attention to it, because you never thought it would happen to you. And then it suddenly did.

Out of the blue. And you came to the point you knew you would die.

Kita had realized that by now, but forced herself to believe that there was no need to panic. Always stay calm in situations like this. When everything seems to be getting out of hand and normal people would scream out in terror, always stay calm. Because becoming hysterical doesn't help you a single bit. Staying calm does; you might just come up with a great idea. No need to panic yet.

That's what Kita told herself. No need to panic. No need to panic. If the Argonauts don't arrive in time, I'll figure out a way to save myself. I can fight when necessary. And I got someone to help me.

Kita's look turned back to the motionless figure laying on the dirty floor.

She crawled over towards the unfortunate girl and shook her shoulder, very carefully. She didn't want to scare Whoever-She-Is too badly… although that girl would already get the shock of her life anyway. Just like Kita when she woke up to find herself in this place.

Did that really happen just this morning? It was hard to believe. It had seemed so long to her. An eternity in hell. One day had been unbearable. Through all the pain and fear she had to hold on to the squirrel in the big oaktree to maintain her sanity. The dark isolation was actually a unimaginable relief, a bliss to her.

Whoever-She-Is started to wake up slowly. She groaned a bit in a confused way, and Kita tried to look very close and hard to trace the girl's features. She wish she had cat-eyes sometimes. She had compared herself to a cat often enough, but her eyes were still so bloody weak and human.

"Hey, come on, wake up!"Kita said.

Cloe slowly got up. She felt so terribly dizzy. She rubbed her head; she felt like she had been hit by a truck or something. What in God's name happened. Was it time to sleep already? Everything was dark, it had to be night-

Wait. Stop. Wait. She had been talking to a man. A man with strange, light, nearly scary eyes. He had been looking at the sky as if the Holy Virgin Mary had appeared there. She had been walking there, and asked him what the matter was… Then he grabbed her and pushed that cloth against her mouth… She lost consciousness.

"Oh God,"Cloe said in an unnaturally high voice, more of a squeal.

"Sssh,"Kita said gently.

"Oh my God!" louder this time.

Kita grabbed her shoulder in an attempt to calm her down, but it had the opposite effect: she freaked out completely, screamed as if a python tried to crawl around her neck, and crawled to a corner of the room, where she cuddled up whimpering.

"Sssh. Don't panic. Whatever you do, don't panic. I know this must be a terrible shock for you, but just stay calm. Listen. We have been kidnapped,"Kita said.

"No! W-why would anyone try to do that I'm not worth any money nobody would pay anything for me that's not possible!" The words tumbled out of Cloe's mouth.

"I… think he keeps us for his personal amusement." Kita forced the words out of her mouth and shivered, nearly getting a mental breakdown herself. She knew full well that psycho kept girls for his personal amusement.

"I… I… This can't be happening to me,"Cloe said and her last words were mingled with sobs. She bursted into tears. Kita didn't provide a shoulder to cry on or any kind words, she just waited patiently until the girl was completely cried out.

When the girl's eyes finally seemed to have dried up, Kita crawled a little closer towards her and asked the girl for her name, finding out that it was "Cloe."

"What's yours?"Cloe asked in a voice that was hoarse and wet because of her tears.

"Mine is Kita,"Kita said. "And we're going to help eachother."

*

Iz was just sitting on a chair in the cafeteria, not doing anything but staring at the walls as if they were going to move any second. Her faces was red and streaked by dried up tears, her eyes had a burning colour and were still wet in the corner. She had never noticed what relief it would give to cry.

And with all her angry sadness and helplessness gone, there was nothing left. She had cried herself empty. Maybe now she was going to go through life like a zombie. An interesting thought really.

"Iz?"

A careful, tentative voice. Iz recognized the sound of it and kept staring at the walls, pretending not to know that Zion had just entered the cafeteria. If he would call her a fucking bitch for telling the truth, than she would do what she knew he found immensely annoying: pretend he wasn't there.

Zion didn't like to be ignored.

But Iz couldn't help but asking herself why he came here. Maybe to rub it in her face or something. Maybe to tell what a retard she was for breaking that plate. Maybe to tell what her responsibilities as leader were.

Iz realized she wasn't empty at all, when she gasped, nearly audible. She didn't want to become leader at all. When would she ever be able to daydream again? All she ever had to do was thinking of others. The thought alone… never to be free again, always faced with that horrible thing called 'responsibility'.

"I don't want to be the leader!"she snapped all of the sudden, then held her hand in front of her mouth as if she had just uttered a great amount of obscenities. Although that wouldn't be a problem with her, really.

Zion turned the chair on wheels, the one Iz was sitting on, around so that he could face her. His face was serious, with a bit of a guilty frown, and there was also something… soft and warm about it. Iz had never seen Zion look like that. She was so fascinated by this, that she nearly forget what he did.

"I hate you,"she quickly said, in case she would forget.

"I know. I deserve that. You were…," Zions gaze turned to the ceiling, he opened his mouth but nothing came out. With slight amusement curling the ends of her lips, Iz could tell this was extremely hard for him.

"You were…,"he started again.

Come on, say it, Iz thought, and almost couldn't hold in a laughing fit.

"Right. You were right. Those idea's of you were very good. I didn't think this through,"Zion said guilt-conscious.

That was good enough for Iz. She knew how hard it was for Zion to say sorry and admit to his mistakes. This had to be one of the hardest things he had ever done; his pride had to be torn to shreds! Iz nearly rolled of the chair laughing, but got a grip just in time to ask him about the only thing that really bothered her: "Do I have to be leader?"

"No. Even though… you could probably do a better job than me,"Zion said. And kablammo, the wall of dignity had broken down. Iz hardly knew what to do, seeing Iz like this, to laugh or to cry.

"You're doing okay, I guess,"Iz said, seemingly uninterested.

Zion took his place on another chair, right next to Iz. "Hopefully,"he said. "Hey, can you believe that: I'm insecure. Moving to the city… it wasn't the best idea I ever had, although that's an understatement. Kita's gone. The tribe's stressed out of their wits and one of these days it's all gonna fall apart. But I'm supposed to be leader, ya know? I'm supposed to prevent that. And really I'm just an ordinary guy that would've started going to college by now… in a normal world. A world without a virus."

"What did you want to become?"Iz said.

"Hm… don't know really. Lawyer. Something in the business-thing. Never really got the time to get to that,"Zion said.

"Lawyer? Business? Hm, I guess you're evil enough for it…"

"Mean it?"he asked, looking nearly insecure.

"It's called a joke,"Iz said, rolling her eyes, which caused Zion to grin. Then ofcourse Iz had to know what was so goddamn funny, and Zion said: "You. The way you are… it's just fun. Nice."

Iz raised an eyebrow. "So I'm nice? And I'm smart too, aren't I?"

"What am I supposed to answer to that?"Zion asked, feigning ignorance with a wicked grin.

Iz slapped him against the back of his head. "Bang! That's what you deserve! Now, I was right about some things, wasn't I?"Iz asked him.

Zion looked at her with nearly hurt puppydog-eyes, like he was about to ask her: "Do I have to…?" Iz made an impatient handgesture and with a lot of trouble Zion admitted it again: "You had good points. You were right too."

"You goddamn right I was right! Wait… that didn't sound right,"Iz said, pondering.

This caused Zion to fall off his chair laughing. It wasn't even that funny, but what better way to release all your stress –and as a leader he definitely was underneath a lot of stress- than to laugh?

"Don't you laugh at me!"Iz yelled indignated. She got on the floor next to him and hit him with the pillow of her chair.

"You're one of a kind, Iz,"Zion said and his frown had vanished.

"And what sort of kind?"she asked.

"The good kind. Your bad mood gone?"he asked.

"Bad mood? Bad mood? I was in an extraordinary good mood, until you magically appeared! Yeah, and now I'm getting a headache coz my eyes have to focus on that little peanut-head on you!"Iz stated.

"Peanuthead?"he said sniffling, his whole face one uncontrollable grin.

"But that doesn't matter, you know. It's still a pretty attractive head, so that basically makes up for it,"she said.

A short silence fell, and he looked at her in a warm way. "Thanks. I feel… better,"Zion said to her, completely honest.

"Coz I said you have a peanuthead?"Iz asked innocently.

Zion shook his head, grinning. He slowly pulled her into a warm, tight hug, which quickly turned into a real kiss.

From the dooropening to the cafeteria, Kera watched jealously.