PART 13: IN THE BEGINNING AGAIN

~4~

Iz looked at the girl in the mirror. A crack was splitting her image in half. Iz touched the cold glass in a daze. That girl… was it her? When was the last time she looked in a mirror? She had been avoiding them ever since they came to this place from the, obviously, mirrorless forest.
Iz was about to visit Zion, and she wanted to look her best, even though she was sure Zion would say something about finding her beautiful no matter what she did to her looks. He seemed like the kind of guy for that. But a girl always wanted to make sure, so now she was standing in front of the mirror, wearing a tiny silk dress Raja helped her made especially for the occasion (Iz suddenly wondered if Raja even knew what exactly the occasion was), her hair in a wild, unrestrained ocean with glitter and golden threads, and she was applying make-up.
Strange. Kita had always done that for her in the old days.
Kita… Iz regretted the fact that it never really came to a friendship between the two of them, just acquaintances that chat every now and then, simply because it was a small tribe and they were the only girls. But Kita was a mystery-woman that didn't like to give a lot of herself away, and Iz was a dreaming, free person, that liked to explore the forest and talked to trees and animals now and then. Different interests.
Nevertheless, Iz did miss Kita. Kita was the closest thing she had ever had to a friend… which didn't mean that much. She never got along well with other people.

*

"Lack of social skills,"the pretty young blonde said. "That's your problem, little sis, and if you want to make something of your life, you better straighten up and do something about it."
Sure, Iz had thought grimly. I'll be just like you.

*

Iz never really thought about her older sister Victoria very often. She never thought about any of her familymembers, or whoever she knew before the virus wiped out civilization. When something that drastic happens, your mind has a way of keeping its sanity: it just stuffs everything bad, or anything that recalls memories of something bad, away… until it rears his head again one day.
And thinking about Kita had made Iz think about her life before the virus more often. After all, she had known Kita before she became an Argonaut. Very superficially though, they were just in the same class. But still… And now the thought of Kita made her think about her life as it once was.

*

"It's a girl!"the nurse exclaimed with a bright smile, holding up the little, fragile newborn. She wore a good scowl and had a few bit of fuzzy, pitchblack hair on her head, standing up straight. The creature cried furiously, shocked by the cold light and all the noise in this world.
The mother laid back, exhausted. It had been a true struggle to bring this child into the world –she felt more dead than alive- but it had been worth it. Because there she was… her daughter. Another girl. She had a husband which she loved with all her heart, she had little Victoria who was a perfect angel, and now there was this little addition to their family.
She took the child and looked it in the eyes. The child looked back with a grumpy face, that made the mother laugh. She kissed the little girl and decided what her name would be: "Izabella Antonia." Victoria, little angel with platinum-coloured hair and heavenly blue eyes, and a proud dad, appeared at the bedside.
The mother got tired very soon, to tired to lift a finger… It was strange, she hadn't felt like this after Victoria's birth. And giving birth to Vicky hadn't been this hard either, nor had it taken so long.
She soon passed the baby to a nurse, and the child was examined, and the mother as well. The mother sank away in a strange drowsiness, that was pierced through by violent pain from time to time, and she wondered what could possibly be wrong. She remembered Vicky's scared face and voice: "Mommy, don't go!" Her husband holding her hand. A doctor with a worried frown. She never fully came to consciousness again, and never got a good chance to say goodbye to her family. The drowsiness ended in full darkness. Izabella's life had began, that of her mother had ended.
There was a funeral, Izabella was taken home, and life just went on like nothing happened.
The seven-year-old Vicky was a perfect example of how a big sister should be, ofcourse. Despite of her mother's death, she took good care of this new baby. Ofcourse she noticed how hard it was for her father, to lose mommy. And everybody said: "That child, she's so smart and kind and responsible."
That's what they kept saying about perfect little Vicky. Even when Iz grew up and certainly didn't need her sister's moddycuddling anymore. She always had this scary feeling about her sister. She was like a babysitter. Babysitters do their job merely for the money, or whatever they get for it. That's not how a sister's supposed to act. Maybe Vicky didn't get money, but she did get credit.
And for credit, Vicky would do anything. Iz really only remembered Vicky by this eerie smile the older girl sometimes gave her. The type of smile that isn't really intended for you, but for someone that's standing right behind you… even though the only thing behind you is a wall.
To Vicky, Iz wasn't much more than a little doll, or a stairway to praise. Not much more than an object. Not a living, breathing thing that deserves some genuine warmth and love. You can take good care of a little kid, look like a perfect replace-mom, but what's the use of that if there's no actual care involved? That doesn't make you a good parent, that just makes you scary.
Vicky was scary, at least to Iz. Iz was never jealous of the girl, just freaked out by her. Vicky's perfect skin, her golden hair, her azureblue eyes, her talented hands, her great ambition, her hard work, the smile that never left a face, the way she could succeed at everything and talk in such a nice way that everyone liked her. What a freak.
Her dad could've given her the time of day. But now, the manwhore would rather forget his wife as soon as possible (at least that's what it always looked like to Iz –even though she didn't feel the slightest bit of love towards this mother that she only knew from pictures, she did respect and cherish the memory of her). Iz tried to ignore every new girlfriend as much as possible, make their life miserable. Vicky, needless to say, welcomed those cheap tarts into their home with open arms, all sweetness.
Pathetic, really. And it all came down to one fact: no one could really give her what she needed. Her dad was too busy –if it wasn't his girlfriends, it was his job- and her sister, her substitute mom, was an emotionless freak.
Iz might've looked like a cold one, and Ice Queen, with those glacier-coloured eyes, sickly pale skin and black hair, but really… she liked a bit of warmth. She was originally born a warm, caring, touchy-huggy person. And her family wasn't. They weren't physical people that talked about their emotions, that liked to think of life as a party. They were stoic, and Iz wondered how this could be her family.
There was only one thing she could think of: her mom had to have been a different person. A warm, loving person that loved to have fun and laugh, that never made a secret of her emotions and that would have a sincerely friendly chat with strangers. The kind of person that could change people's lives.
And it was true that on every single photograph of her mother, Iz saw a woman with an incredibly warm, open, sincerely kind face. This only made her cherish the memory more, and wish her mom was still her.
But she wasn't, and her family consisted of stoic, bloodless freaks of nature that seemed to think people only lived to work, work, work, and so Iz's personality started to change. She just lost her warmth, her real nature. The characteristics her mom had copied onto her daughter.
Her dad finally managed to keep a girlfriend. She was half his age; a bleached blonde beauty with a plastic face and the IQ of a goldfish. To top it of this example of perfection loved horsies and porcelain figurines. Perfect.
This individual went by the name of Lulu (Lulu! Which parent would ever think about giving their child a name like that), and her dad actually lost his sanity long enough to marry this factotum. And what do you know, she got pregnant. And Iz might've been young, but she soon realized why her dad and Lulu married: the baby was born just a little too soon after the wedding.
It was a boy, and his name was Brett. The son her father always wanted. Iz was nearly ten. A girl that was extremely wise for her age (mature was a whole different thing), a girl that didn't belong, that didn't try her best at school like good old Vicky did… Vicky had gotten a job at this point. She worked the whole time, and she actually spend some of the money she earned on buuying babyclothes.
Butt-kisser, Iz had thought hatefully. She couldn't stand the way Vicky had been so terribly nice to that… person, that Lulu. Lulu… the name alone! And weren't they just a perfect little family now. Perfect dad, perfect mom, perfect daughter with good grades that spend the money she earned on baby-clothes, and a cute little baby-boy named Brett.
And where exactly did she fit in in this picture? Nowhere.
Her sister had given up on taking care of her. She hoped her 'care' would get Iz to get a socially more positive attitude, to get good grades at school, to finally be nice to her new 'mother' (as if! Iz had thought) and welcome the baby with open arms.
But this family simply didn't feel like Iz's. Nobody was ever mean to her or something like that, but she felt so alone. Like she was staying over at the house of complete strangers. Nobody paid any real attention to her. Same story at school: no one bullied here, but it wasn't like she had any friends either.
She was lonely. Cold. And soon she really did become the Ice Queen.
Because of this the guys at school ignored when she growed up, and was ready for a boyfriend. Those cold eyes scared them away. It wasn't just the colour of them, it was what spoke from them… She beamed out as much warmth as a fridge.
She got into trouble. She was never ready to listen to anyone. She didn't like the people at school to tell her what to do, she got enough of that at home. "Smile for a change." "Be nice to people." "You should do your homework." "Try to make some good friends." "Why don't you try working at a home, it would certainly teach you some social skills." "It would be useful." "It's for your own good." "If you want a good life, you should really change your attitude."
Right. So her life would become good the minute she plastered on one of those fake, suburbian smiles, the minute she stopped wearing black, the minute she stopped scowling at everyone that annoyed her, the minute she just started taking every order given to her. The minute she became as fake and plastic as they were. Please, she would be nothing more but an empty shell.
So, no listening to teachers, and she got into more trouble. Her father, her sister, and the person she was supposed to consider her mother ("But I'll never do that –even though I didn't know you, you'll always be my mom,"Iz promised her mother's picture) shook their heads in disappointment as another teacher said: "It's those eyes of her, those cold eyes with which she looks at me in such an arrogant way."
That did attract the attention of some other well-known bad girls. Iz liked hanging out with them. She could relate to them a little bit, because they didn't like their homes either. They preferred the streets. Ofcourse this only disappointed her otherwise perfect family even more.
And then the virus came. There was a major evacuation, and her father, Lulu and little Brett evacuated themselves from the country to god knows where, leaving the daughters to fend for themselves. Iz hoped the virus would chase them down anyway. She was shocked at this thought, a little disgusted really… but she couldn't help feeling the way she did.
The sisters stayed at home, but Vicky was soon struck down by the virus as well. Iz didn't stay to take care of her. She didn't want to get sick herself. She didn't care about the sister that now lay in bed, screaming the whole time, yelling for the younger one to bring food… telling Iz to remember how well she took care of when she was little.
Iz remembered, and left, not looking back once. She left food behind for her sister when she did. She probably wouldn't eat it. Vicky, when she ate at all, threw everything back up… besides, she would be dead in a few days. Iz knew that. But she wasn't heartless enough to leave her sister with nothing at all, even though she could really use that food for herself.
Iz had packed her stuff and was determined to leave town. Maybe she would find a safe place somewhere. As she left, she found a young girl, totally lost and recognized her as an old classmate that came over to play at her house once: Kita. Against habit, Iz asked the girl to come with her. That way they wouldn't be alone. Kita was more than happy to agree, and they left town.

*

Iz had been looking at one of her mother's (her real mother!) pictures while she was thinking about all that. She still wished for her mom to be here, and the first time she felt more than respect and admiration, or a memory she simply cherised. She loved that woman on the pictures. She wished she would've known here. But faith was merciful in a way, because Iz had the feeling that if she would've grown up with her mom, she would've lost it when the virus took her away.
But she wasn't alone anymore. Finally there was someone around that brought her natural warmth out. Zion. But one thing kept bugging her ofcourse: where in god's name could Kita be?