Sueabilatation

by Feana Puddlefoot.

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine, obviously.

 'What are we having for dinner, then?'

  Aragorn looked intently at Legolas. 'What makes you think we have dinner?'

  Legolas bit his lip. 'It's an important meal.'

  'Well, Eowyn stupidly made the mistake of telling Denethor that breakfast was the most important meal of the day. He took it to mean it was the only needed meal of the day.'

  'Eowyn?'

  'She's another patient. She's in the Out-of-Characterness Asylum, but she comes here sometimes to visit her brother.'

  There was silence in the cell for a few minutes before Legolas said, 'How many people are there in here?'

  Aragorn sounded subdued. 'Do you want me to tell the truth?'

  'Of course.'

  'About half the population of Middle-earth.'

  Legolas' mouth dropped open. 'You're joking, aren't you?'

  Aragorn shook his head, sadly. 'I wish I was. But it's true. The other half are in the other Asylums.'

  Legolas tried not to weep. There was silence for a few minutes. Legolas sighed. 'My father. He's in the Out-of-Characterness Asylum. He was driven mad by people constantly telling him he hated me.'

  Aragorn awkwardly put an arm around Legolas. 'Don't worry. You're not alone. My beautiful wife is in the Hated-by-Fans Asylum. Ever since I fell in love with her, people have bullied her and said cruel things about her. Even-' and Aragorn made a sound that vaguely resembled a sob, '-even made hate shrines to her.'

  'That's awful,' Legolas said, sympathetically.

  Aragorn cradled his head in his hands. 'With red and black colour schemes! Red and black, I tell you! Is there anything more heinous?'

  'Red and orange?'

  Aragorn sobbed louder.

  'Oh, right, I'm sorry,' Legolas said in a hurry. 'I didn't know it would upset you. Er.. how about blue and green? Do you like them?'

  'Are you sick?' Aragorn growled. 'I don't want to talk about this anymore. Freak.'

  'Legolas. Visitor for you,' Boromir said, popping his head round the door. 'Very pretty female. She says her name is Lowyn.'

  Legolas squeaked. 'No! No, no, no! I don't want to see her!'

  'Shall I send her away, then?'

  'Yes.'

  'Are you sure? She's terribly pretty.'

  'Look, you stupid git, she's the reason I'm here in the first place. Tell her to get out.'

  Boromir's lips twisted into something that definetly looked like a pout. He disappeared and was heard suavely telling Lowyn that Legolas didn't want to see her and that men, they were all bastards, weren't they? Except him, of course, Legolas noticed he was quick to add.

  'She'll come back,' Aragorn sniffed, from the corner. 'They always do.'

  'Has yours come back, then?'

  'Many times.' Aragorn shuddered. 'Many times.'

  Legolas sighed. 'Why is this happening?'

  Aragorn looked at him. 'It's because we're attractive men, Legolas. And you're blond. Looking at this from a psychological point of view, we can establish that the Sue or Stu feels she or he has to 'own' you and as a way of doing this they-'

  'How much counselling have you had?'

  Aragorn whistled. 'A lot.'

  Legolas scowled. 'It shows.'

  'I suppose you think you're real smart. Well, guess what? You're not. In fact, you're … you're … well, you're stupid. Yep.'

  Faramir could only raise an eyebrow in response.

  Eomer glared. 'I'm not impressed. Where's my cellmate, by the way?'

  Faramir sat down opposite Eomer. 'He's been moved, I'm afraid.'

  Anyone else nearby Eomer at that moment would have fled, for he looked so incredibly angry that even Faramir – who had been threatened with mild toasting by Denethor if he ran from the Rohirrim – had to shudder.

  'Why?!' Eomer spat.

  Faramir edged away slowly, holding up his hands. 'Well, you see, we thought it was dangerous for him to be around someone who liked beating him up so much. It's really nothing personal.' He reconsidered the sentence quickly. 'Perhaps it's a little bit personal but only a little bit, mind you.'

  Eomer growled.

  'I haven't been this angry since that annoying Sue masqueraded as my wife and coerced me into giving her my favourite horse so she could run away to the hills and … erm … well, I've forgotten exactly what she wanted to do but it doesn't matter. My point is, I'm really annoyed.'

  'You will be given a new cellmate, I assure you,' Faramir said, in a hurry.

  'Yes, because I never build close relationships with anyone. People are all the same to me,' Eomer said, his words dripping with sarcasm.

  Faramir bowed his head in what Eomer guessed – correctly – was an apology.

  'Who is this new cellmate anyway?'

  'Well, he's rather new to being chased by Sues, so you can show him the ropes and all that, I'm sure,' Faramir said.

  Eomer nodded. 'Right. And his name?'

  Faramir pretended he hadn't heard. 'He has a few attitude problems sometimes but I'm sure he'll get over them.'

  Eomer was beginning to lose his patience now and it showed. 'His name?' he repeated, gritting his teeth.

  Faramir had edged very close to the door. 'At first you might not get on, but I think that problem can be overcome.'

  Eomer stood up. 'That's lovely. Now give me his name.'

  'He has experience in Rohan too, so you can chat about your home. Isn't that nice?'

  Eomer grabbed Faramir by the scruff of the neck. 'You stupid Gondorian, just give me his name! It's bad enough that you're shagging my sister, don't make me feel worse towards you.'

  Faramir whispered something.

  'Excuse me?'

  Faramir's eyes were wide, as he said, 'His name is Grima Wormtongue.'

  The screams were heard all through the Asylum.