Dreams I Dreamt Instead

By Fujifunmum

Chapter 12: Couples

Misao heard her name ringing through the hallways of the Crane, even though she and Kaoru were currently at the furthest end of the upper floor from the family dining room where she had left Sano and Himura. She started at the sound and felt a very uneasy clenching in her chest. Sano teased her incessantly, but he never raised his voice. At least not at her. She had not ever heard quite the tone of anger that inflected the last syllable of her name. He was beyond pissed. And it was directed at her. That could only mean one thing. Damn. Somehow Himura's Ishin Shishi connections must have uncovered her actions. She should have been brave enough to tell him herself.

Kaoru had been only mildly interested in the tour she had requested; rather, the tour she had demanded. She was clearly biding her time and wished to speak to Misao alone. Misao had shown her around the Crane, waiting for her to raise whatever it was that was on her mind, but Kaoru hadn't spoken yet. She seemed almost distracted, yet she was attentively watching Misao, gauging her reactions to the casual conversation they made about the various rooms and their decoration.

As soon as Sano's bellowing voice reached their ears, Misao froze in mid-sentence and bolted back towards the downstairs leaving Kaoru gaping in her wake. Kaoru shook her head slightly to clear it and followed Misao as quickly as her narrow kimono allowed. She hadn't had a chance to speak to Misao about Sano or Aoshi, but she was determined not to miss out on whatever Sano was yelling about. He wasn't given to idle anger, and the way he had yelled her name made it clear she was the source of his ire, yet Misao had bounded toward him without hesitation.

She was startled at the scene unfolding before her as she came breathlessly into the family dining room. Sano held Misao aloft, clutching her by the arms just below her shoulders and raising her to his eye level. The slight ninja's legs dangled about a foot above the ground as he shook her slightly when his voice wavered with anger. Across the room and behind him stood Kenshin, his face set in concern, but he made no move towards Sano and when his eyes fell on Kaoru he clearly admonished her with his glance to leave this confrontation between Sano and Misao.

"What did you do, Misao? And when did you do it? Tell me! Out with it!" Sanosuke was bellowing at Misao as he held her mere inches from his face. He hadn't lowered his voice at all, despite the fact that she was right in front of him. His anger poured over her and splattered all over the room.

"Put me down, Sano! You're hurting me! I'll tell you whatever you want to know, but not until you release me!" Misao steadily held Sano's angry gaze, willing him to listen to her and not backing down an inch. Her response surprised him, and he scowled at her, but gently set her down on her feet, releasing her from his tight grasp. But he was too angry to stop himself from shaking a huge fist in her face as he yelled at her some more.

"What the hell did you do to get the charges against me dropped? And when did you do it? Did you pull some of your goddamned Omitsu Ishin Shishi connections? You know I hate the Ishin Shishi! Hell, you know that better than almost anyone! How could you betray me like this, Misao! Tell me! Now!"

Misao didn't bat an eye as she steadfastly held Sano's angry eyes with her own. She wanted to calm him before the entire Inn population showed up to see what was causing the commotion, but his anger was sparking her own heated emotions. "I took care of it, you baka! I did it long ago in Kyoto, after you were hurt. What did Himura tell you?" She shifted her eyes briefly to give Kenshin an angry accusing glare, then turned her attention immediately back to Sanosuke.

"What? What did you do, Misao! This was my problem to deal with and if you pulled strings with the Ishin Shishi I'll…." Sano paused to catch his breath. He wasn't really sure what he was going to do if she had. But his anger was still boiling over at the mere thought of anyone making a deal with those crooked bastards that had anything to do with him. "What the hell did you do, Misao! Now, tell me!"

Misao's eyes darted first to Kenshin, then off behind Sano as she hesitated just slightly before speaking. She knew Sano wasn't going to like it, but she had to tell him now, there was no choice.

"I went to see Saitou." The atmosphere in the room abruptly combusted. Sano immediately blew up at her, raising his voice louder as he incredulously demanded the details.

"What the hell are you saying? You went to see that bastard behind my back? What the fuck did you say to him?" Sano was spewing his anger all over the room, but the focus was changed. He might hate Saitou personally, but that feeling paled beside his abiding hatred of the Ishin Shishi. The focus had shifted from to an unforgivable political betrayal to an unforgivable personal betrayal.

Kenshin felt the shift in Sano's ki and decided it was time he and Kaoru vacated the battlefield. He quickly made his way around the dueling combatants and took Karou's arm to drag her away. She was none too happy about missing the main event, but Kenshin was insistent and they were soon on their way back to the dojo, Sano and Misao's high volume voices fading behind them.

"It was after you were out of danger. When we found out that Kuro and Shiro had turned Haku and Arundo over to Saitou's custody. You had told me about the Shinshuu incident and I knew from Kaoru why you left Japan. I knew you'd never go to Saitou."

A look of comprehension crossed Sanosuke's face, easing his anger. Then his eyes sparked with it again as he continued to roar at her. "You went to see that bastard behind my back! You had no right to talk to anyone about Shinshuu, least of all that asshole Saitou!"

Misao's eyes flashed heatedly in return as Sano continued to shake his fist at her, yelling at the top of his lungs. She leaped onto the chair next to her, putting her almost a full head above Sanosuke. The move surprised the angry man, who now had to look up to catch her eyes, something he was very unused to.

Misao's yelled right back into his face, bellowing down at him, "I'd almost lost you to that asshole Ishiji! Did you think I was just going to let you be arrested or worse, forced to leave Japan? I killed a man for you Sano, there's nothing I wouldn't do to keep you safe, and I don't regret it for a minute!" Misao gasped as she realized what she had just admitted to Sanosuke, slapping her hand over her mouth as if to recapture the incriminating words.

Sanosuke was stunned. He recoiled from the force of her words and found himself staring straight ahead at her heaving chest. Never being one to miss an opportunity, he wrapped both arms around the startled ninja, slowly and gently sliding her body down his until she was again face to face with him. Misao placed her hands on his chest, but was too shocked by the action to struggle with him. His eyes were still angry, but he could barely conceal the near smirk playing around the corners of his mouth. She was momentarily too fascinated by the action to speak.

"Tell me exactly what you did, Misao. I want all the details, and I want them right now." His voice was commanding but he was no longer yelling, and the arms that held her were firm, but gentle.

She responded in kind. "Put me down and I'll tell you everything."

Now the smirk was undeniable. "Nope. Tell me here and now. I'll be able to tell from your heartbeat if you're avoiding something, so don't bother to even try it. Spill it Misao."

She tried to push back, to give herself some comforting distance as she admitted what she had done behind his back, without his permission. But Sanosuke wouldn't allow it. He held her still and waited for her to give the details, a voice in the back of his mind praying that she hadn't done something that he couldn't forgive. Looking into her beautiful blue eyes, full of fear of his reaction but determination, he wondered if there was anything he couldn't forgive.

"I know you hate Saitou. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to go see him. But he's not Ishin Shishi, Sano. And I didn't make a deal with them. Tani is dead, did you know that?"

"No. How did you know he was dead?"

"He was a big deal Ishin Shishi, baka! His death was in all the papers. I went to see Saitou because I knew he could clear your name. With Tani dead, there was no one to press for your arrest. Saitou wasn't exactly glad to see me. And I had to put up with him calling me 'Weasel Girl' and blowing smoke in my face. He's a grade A jerk. But a grade A jerk with connections."

"So why did he help you? Saitou doesn't do anything without a reason."

"I reminded him what a scum-bag Tani was, how he was one of the corrupt Ishin Shishi. I told him that if Tani wasn't already dead his code of Aku. Soku. Zan. Would have required him to kill him. That got his attention, at least. Then I reminded him of what the Oniwabanshuu had done to help in Kyoto against the Shishio forces. I didn't remind him about your efforts; he was there with you at Shishio's fortress. I didn't realize he had witnessed your fight with Anji until you told me about it."

"And?"

"And he threw me out of his office. Told me he had more important things to do. But I knew you were safe and he would make that warrant disappear. He owes you, Sano. And so do the Ishin Shishi and the people of Japan for helping Himura defeat Shishio. Dropping those bogus charges was a small price to pay."

"You did that for me?"

Misao looked at the deep pools of brown staring back at her. It was time to be honest. "No. I did it for me."

Shinomori Aoshi had plenty of time to be honest with himself as he made his way to the train station. Seeing Misao holding Sanosuke's hands and looking at him so attentively had stirred up his emotions. He had spent long years in meditation against just this kind of emotional outburst. He blamed his obsession with Battousai after the death of his comrades on his uncontrollable emotions after they laid down their lives for him before his eyes at Kanryuu's mansion. He had spent years in meditation determined to exert full control over his latent emotions so that he would never again fall prey to them. Their rise to the surface now forced him to realize that he was only able to control them by his enforced exclusion from the flow of life around him. He had spent his time alone deluding himself into believing that the expulsion of disturbing outside influences had allowed him to achieve full control. He was out in public again after his long absence and the interaction with other people was forcing him to acknowledge that he was not above the draw of his own feelings.

He purchased his ticket and settled in for the train ride to his destination. At long last he considered exactly what his feelings were for Misao. The realization that he had spent years trying to obliterate any feelings for other people was humbling. He had felt balanced after Jinchuu. He and Misao had worked together to bring Tomoe's diary to Kaoru. He had unraveled the mystery of Gein's deception. He had fought and defeated Gein and Suzaku. He and Misao had reclaimed the remains of their lost companions and safely interred them in Kyoto with other revered Oniwabanshuu ancestors.

He had a blinding realization that his life should have returned to "normal" then. He should have reclaimed his Okashira title and either reformed or disbanded the group. He should have claimed Misao as his own and built a family at the Aoiya. Instead, he had decided that his obsession required detailed analysis in order to avoid a reoccurrence in the future. He had devoted himself to rational, ordered, and detailed thought. He was determined to obliterate his emotions. In the process, he had obliterated the happy future his reconciliation with the Omitsu should have brought him.

The revelation of the consequences of his actions was staggering. He had sold off his future to his stained past. Lulling himself into a false sense of peace had kept him from realizing the truth. He thought time would wait for him to find his peace. Instead, time had passed him by, taking Misao and his future with his clan with it. The only truth his deceptive "peace" had shown him was the undeniable call to return to his clan colors and his place as Okashira. He had fought long and hard against the almost surreal call that had compelled him to take even that simple action. When he had finally accepted that the urge to return to his family was not to be denied or ignored, it was too late. His family had gone on living without him. They were not dwelling in the past; they were building their own future.

His resistance to living had been perverse. It had been an intellectual insistence that his life conform to his demands. Unreasonable demands that he, Shinomori Aoshi, as last Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu, be allowed to meditate on his past obsession for as long as he wished, and then return to his clan with his omniscient pronouncements. He couldn't help snorting over his own arrogance at that idea. All he had effectively accomplished was to substitute his obsession with overcoming his own human emotions for his obsession with overcoming Battousai.

The stark realization of his own arrogant stupidity was astounding. He had used his own intelligence to hide from his life, allowing it to slip by him unnoticed. Determined not to over analyze his current situation, Aoshi forced himself to consider his emotions, not merely his actions or the past.

What were his feelings for Misao? Seeing her with Sanosuke outraged him. Why? He had told her a year ago that he had no feelings for her. He had convinced himself that he had no feelings for anyone.

He ruefully admitted that he did have feelings for Misao. He loved her. She had been a part of his life for her entire life. Two decades of caring could not be intellectualized as anything but love. She had always loved him. She had made it clear she wanted to be with him, but he had rejected her. Did he want to try to recapture her feelings for him?

He didn't really know. His head was reeling from the realizations his sudden trip to Tokyo had forced on him. He determined to consider his emotional responses first for a while to see if they would guide him to understanding. His intellect was formidable, but had failed to serve him well these last few years.

It was fully dark when he reached his destination. He made subtle inquiries at the train station and easily found the location of the person he wished to visit. He was glad he had worn his western style clothing. He could use his ninja stealth training, but his modern dress allowed him to blend in better both in Tokyo and here.

Walking to the address he'd been given, he tried to calm his emotional turmoil and sharpen his senses. It was time to use his excellent powers of observation to guide his actions.

The clinic was closed and locked for the night, but he could feel her ki inside. It was as vibrant as he remembered, and his mind wondered that he did remember it so well. He had not considered her more than a brief acquaintance.

He silently entered the reception area, sparking his memory of Dr. Oguni's clinic in Tokyo. This structure was similar in design, identical in function. He cast his eyes on the first examining room with its case of vials and medicines and his mind snapped back to his first sight of Takani Megumi at Kanryuu's mansion. She had been standing in front of just such a case, attempting to resist Kanryuu's demands that she continue to process the opium as her former employer had done. As the long ago scene flashed in his memory, he was reminded how beautiful she had been then. She was around 20, and looked as desperate and hopeless as the samurai had been during the last days of the Bakumatsu. He remembered that he had been glad then that Kanryuu's sexual taste ran to underage boys. Then, she had been his prisoner.

Aoshi made his way silently down the hallway to the inner offices. He could feel her there. And no one else was in the building this late. His mind drifted back to his later memories of Megumi. Their longest conversation had been after the "death" of Kamiya Kaoru. He recalled her flashing eyes and insistence that she had checked the body and Kaoru was indeed dead. He remembered her incredulity when he suggested her emotional involvement with Kaoru could have blinded her to the realities of the situation. Gein's art had been the height of puppetry, an unparalleled talent for recreation of lifeless replicas. Talent enough to fool the sad eyes of the young doctor examining her fallen friend.

Megumi didn't suffer from his lack of emotion. And she had a strong intellect as well. She had correctly diagnosed Battousai's deterioration. Unbidden, the memory of her quietly giving him the bad news filled his mind. He had been shocked; everyone in the room had been shocked, save for Megumi and Battousai himself. Aoshi realized that it was on that day that Battousai had become Himura to him. The expected deterioration of his talents making him more human, somehow more accessible. He examined that very emotional reaction as he continued towards the office at the back of the building.

Kaoru, Sano, Yahiko and Misao had been just as shocked as he had been. Himura had somehow known and accepted the inevitable with grace and style. He had offered Saitou the final battle of the Bakumatsu, only to be refused.

And Megumi had not reacted. He searched his memory to retrieve his observations from so long ago. Her eyes had been sad, her countenance calm, and her attention riveted on 'Ken-san'. Ken-san, the memory of her familiar name for Himura sparked the understanding of what the memory of that sad day would have told him if he had observed with his heart. Megumi loved Himura. She knew he was committed to Kaoru and she was planning to return to Aizu soon. Coming here, to Aizu to open a clinic and look for any surviving members of her family.

He stopped just outside of the office where he knew Megumi waited, unaware of his presence. He had come here believing that Megumi could restore the balance in his life. The balance as it had been so long ago. He had foolishly assumed that she was enamored of Sanosuke and could recapture his affections, freeing Misao to return to him. The idea was farfetched to begin with, and now seemed preposterous as he realized what her feelings had been, and how painful it must have been for her to see Battousai become more and more committed to Kaoru.

This train of thought brought him to their last meeting, last year at Mount Ueno. How had she been then? Her response to Sano's letter from Mongolia had been a disgusted "What is he thinking?" How had she reacted emotionally to Himura? Was she still in love with him? Aoshi closed his eyes and concentrated on the memory of that day a year ago when he had been so closed off to everyone's emotions, including his own.

He remembered thinking that she was still a very beautiful woman and how surprised he was that she had never married. She was kind towards Kaoru and Kenji, but paid no special attention to Himura that he could recall. Perhaps the intervening years had tempered her feelings. She had come to the picnic, so she must still feel attached to their group of friends.

He braced himself and went into the office. Even if she was not an answer to his reaction to seeing Sano and Misao together, he felt he should see her.

She was standing behind the desk with her back towards him, reaching for the haori that she always wore over her kimono. It hung on the wall behind the desk, next to a darkened window. Perhaps she was finished with the paperwork that lay neatly piled on the desk. She was dressed in a flowered kimono in deep shades of purple and mauve with darker gray and black accents befitting her age. It was darker, but still decorated with excellent embroidery and highly becoming to her coloring. As she reached to retrieve her cloak, Aoshi noticed the soft curves of her hips as the silk fabric moved with her action. Her obi was tied in a serviceable yet complex series of knots, which surprised him. He had never seen her obi ties before and imagined that few had. He was amazed that she took the trouble to fashion such a complex closing for her own pleasure.

She steadied the lantern on her desk and slowly turned around to find herself facing an unexpected guest. She was surprised, but calmly met his eyes without speaking.

"I never apologized to you for threatening you at the dojo after Himura left for Kyoto. I'm sorry that I threatened to hurt you. Saitou was right, if he had not intervened and told me where Himura was going I might have killed you. Or anyone else who got between me and my obsession to defeat Battousai."

"I forgave you long ago. After you returned with Ken-san, it was clear you had fought to help him. What brings you to Aizu this evening? Surely not the need to apologize for something that happened so long ago."

"I went to Tokyo to see Misao. I saw her behaving very familiarly with Sagara and your name came to me as the one person who might be able to draw his attentions away from her. I must apologize for that, too. I realize now that your affections were elsewhere."

"That was long ago. I was just about to go home to dinner. Will you join me? Maybe I can give you some decent advice about Misao from a woman's point of view." She was smiling now, clearly entertained by his statement about Misao and Sagara. Aoshi frowned. Advice on Misao was not what he wanted from Megumi. He let his emotions come to the surface and was astonished by the clarity and strength of his reaction.

Megumi started, her smile fading. Shinomori had been calmly speaking until she invited him to dinner. Then the flash of fire in his eyes had startled her. He was the epitome of calm and unemotional, yet she was well able to identify the look in his eyes and the intensity of his gaze.

"Shinomori? Are you unwell? Would you like to sit down?"

"No. I am well. But sitting down is not what I would like. No, that is not what I want from you at all." Aoshi moved beside her quickly, taking her arm in a firm but gentle hold.

"What do you want Aoshi?" Megumi asked looking directly into his unwavering stare. She was mystified by his actions, and surprised by his sudden closeness. Her heart began to beat faster as she felt the warmth of his hand on her arm. She glanced down at his hold, then back into his eyes, trying to discern his intent.

Fire behind ice peered back at her in that instant. "Looking for a fox instead of a weasel?" She taunted, retreating behind her usual tactic of flippant remarks when she realized that his full intent was on her. "I think you've lost it, Aoshi."

"Hardly. I think I've just found it."

Author's Note: Thanks for reading and reviewing to Midori Natari Himura, Susan, Firuze

Khanume, AutumnFire, Akin Sijin, Gochan, Misanagi, lizzie, BladeRy, JadeGoddess Eternitys End, sarah and Sano.