"The Cabbage Patch Kid from Hades"
(Daria is in her room, sprawled out on her bed, talking to Jane on the phone and flipping through an old photo album.)
Daria: …. but I think the thing I like best about Christmas is picking out presents for Quinn every year, finding just the right thing that she'll utterly despise.
Jane: Such as?
Daria: Hm…. (she looks at various pictures of Quinn by the Christmas tree, looking obviously displeased with her gifts)… well, there was a gift certificate for Vitamin World….
Jane: Boring…
Daria: …but effective. (She grins.) And then there was the whoopee cushion…. the fake tarantula…. (she comes upon a certain picture.)… but the one that had the greatest results came from the one year I actually *tried* to get something she'd like.
(Flashback to 1996. The Morgendorffer family is sitting around the Xmas tree as Quinn unwraps her present.)
Quinn: A doll? (to Daria) Don't you think I'm a little old for that? I mean, hel - *lo*! I'm thirteen!
Daria: (frowns slightly) But you sleep with stuffed animals, and those are *almost* like dolls. And I thought you collected Cabbage Patch dolls! I thought you'd like it.
Helen: Of course she does. Quinn, Daria put a lot of effort into finding a gift for you…. don't you have something to say…
Quinn: Yeah, what's the catch?
(Helen glares at her.)
Quinn: (sighs) Alright, thank you. (looks at the doll) Hm…. Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids… well, it *is* kind of cute. Oh, and look! You can actually feed it little snacks! Aww…
(Cut to later that night. Quinn is asleep in bed, with the Cabbage Patch doll in bed with her among her stuffed animals.
As Quinn turns over, a lock of her hair falls across the doll's face and into the mouth.
The mouth begins to move, latching onto the hair and slowly ingesting more and more.
Quinn sleepily opens her eyes at the mechanical sound of the mouth opening and closing. She comes face to face with the attacking doll.
She jumps out of bed screaming and runs out of her bedroom, down the hall, and into Jake and Helen's room with the Cabbage Patch kid still hanging from her hair.)
Quinn: The doll's trying to eat me! The doll's trying to eat me!
Jake: (yawning) That's nice, kiddo.
Helen: (sleepily) Quinn, stop playing with your doll and go back to bed.
Quinn: Ahh!!!
(End Flashback)
Daria: By the time Mom and Dad finally realized what was happening, the doll had practically reached her scalp.
Jane: Wow. I think I remember that doll, too. Didn't they recall all of those?
Daria: Yup. We were able to get the money back, and we used the cash to try to make Quinn's hair look good again. (close up on the picture Daria was looking at, with Quinn sporting a boyishly short hairstyle.) 'Try' being the key word.
Jane: And all that without even trying. Think you can top that this year?
Daria: I haven't been able to come up with any ideas I like. You don't happen to know of any other cannibalistic dolls that I can buy?
Jane: No. Wanna call the Barbie company and see if they're interested in making one?
Daria: Hm… good thinking.
Jane: I know. I'll go look up their number.
Daria: Hannibal Barbie: Silence of the Plastic.