Chapter 4
"Sara?" Catherine parted the bathroom doors just enough to poke her head in. "You in here?"
"I'm fine Catherine. Just leave me alone." Came Sara's voice. Catherine couldn't see her because of the design of the building. From the doorway all she saw was another wall, but she knew Sara was right around the corner. She sounded like she was ready to cry. Being the people person Catherine was she heard Sara's plea to be alone as a cry for help.
"Sara you're not fine." She said stepping into the muddy waters. Sara was someone who was very private when it came to defending her privacy. If Catherine came across as threatening that privacy Sara might feel the need to defend herself. Catherine didn't want her to feel cornered but the last thing Sara needed was to pretend nothing was wrong.
"I told you I am fine."
Catherine finally caught sight of Sara standing in against the far wall as she turned the corner. Sara had her head down and her arms folded across her chest.
"The definition of 'fine' does not fit you in the least." Catherine kept her distance at the sinks. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"There is nothing to be ashamed of Sara. You have..." Catherine started but Sara cut her off.
"I'm not ashamed of anything Catherine." She stressed Catherine's name to show her annoyance with her colleague. "I have work to do." Sara pushed off the wall with her back to give her the momentum to stand. She wouldn't admit it but that the action really hurt.
"No you don't." Catherine planted her feet blocking Sara's path for the exit. "You should go home. Get some rest."
Rest? Sara thought, not very likely. She hasn't had rest since for years. "Move Catherine."
"No." Catherine could see the hurt in Sara's eyes begin to disappear as anger took its hold on her.
"Move." She said again.
"No. I am sending you home." Be strong Catherine. Just wear her down. "You haven't eaten at all today nor have you gotten your rest. I am taking you home."
"First of all you have no authority to send me home. And secondly it's none of your business. My eating and sleeping habits are none of your concern."
"They are when they affect your work." Catherine knew it was a lie but that she had to try something to get Sara to slow down. If anything that was Sara's problem. She didn't have any brakes and Catherine didn't know why.
"That's crap Catherine and you know it."
"You're going home."
"No I'm not." Catherine let her pass afraid of what would happen if she touched her, like she wanted so terribly to do. Just to let Sara know that Catherine was her friend in all this.
She had no choice. "Grissom will back me on this Sara. I'll get him to suspend you if need be."
Sara stopped dead. She never thought of Catherine to use her friendship with the boss as an instrument to a threat. Though Sara and Catherine weren't the best of friends because of the rough start they had, they were respected friends. Each respected the other's capability and intelligence. Sara felt hurt by such a threat coming from a "friend". But again anger dispersed the pain. "You would bring him into this." Sara hissed.
"Well in case you haven't noticed he has been in this for sometime Sara. He is worried about you. We all are."
"You can all go to hell." Sara's words were harsh and cold. She didn't mean to say it, and especially not to Catherine. It was the sleep deprivation and hunger. It cut off the reasoning to the rational part of her brain. She knew Catherine was only trying to help but Sara didn't want her help or anyone else's help.
Catherine was stunned to silence. She could not believe what Sara just told her. It wasn't the words that upset her personally, no it was the fact that Catherine had no idea Sara was this bad. She knew Sara wouldn't be all right after such a traumatic event and it would take time, but she thought she was getting through this. But she was wrong. Catherine held out her hand. "Give me your gun."
The silence was painstaking. Sara didn't know what to do so panic overtook her. "Catherine I am sorry. Please don't do this. This is all I have left. Please."
Is this a ploy? Catherine was at a crossroad. Sara would lie to stay at work, but no. The pleading in her voice and tears stinging her eyes were real. Sara was never one to fake emotion to please someone else. "Then I want you to go home now. And I want you to take tomorrow off."
Sara sighed. She had no choice. One day from work was better than a week. "Fine."
"I'll drive." Catherine gestured for Sara to go first and she would follow.
In the hall Grissom and Nick were at the front desk suggesting their next move on the case when they stepped out.
"I'm taking Sara home, Gris. She is taking tomorrow off too. I'll be back in later."
Grissom wanted to say so much but he couldn't find the right words. He wanted to know how Catherine got Sara to go home and take a day off. It was almost unimaginable. But through the years there was one thing Grissom underestimated and that was Catherine's gift with people. "That's fine. Everything okay Sara?" He asked.
Sara wasn't even paying attention. She was like a child that had to go shopping for hours with her parents. What Grissom didn't know was that all of Sara's energy was holding her small frame up. If she directed her energy in another direction she might collapse.
Catherine saw what was going on and decided to intervene. "Leave her alone Gil. I'll make sure she gets home safe."
"Okay." Grissom said to Catherine but his eyes never left Sara. "Get some rest Sara." He said trying to get her attention, but again she ignored him.
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Sara sat staring out the window as Catherine drove her home. There was no other way to put it except that she felt horrible for two reasons. She was sorry she said such a mean thing to Catherine. She was only trying to help. She also felt horrible physically. When she was in the bathroom and examined her latest abuse that she inflected upon herself she was thrown into deeper despair. She didn't even realize why she was so sore in the mornings until she looked. How bad is that? She didn't even know she was hurting herself. It was a total mystery until finally she figured it out. Some investigator. Afterwards she clipped her nails shorter than usual. She didn't know why the dreams were coming again. They subsided so much she thought they were gone, but now they came back full force and she couldn't explain it.
Catherine stole several glances at Sara as she drove. She was hoping the ride would lull her to sleep. A sleepy Sara was easier to talk to, but fate had other plans. Sara was wide awake and fully aware that Catherine was staring at her.
"Stop staring at me." Sara said. "I'm not a baby."
Catherine wasn't surprised that Sara knew what Catherine was doing. Her blunt honesty was a welcomed thing. "You sound like Lindsay." She said trying to lighten the mood.
"How is she?" Sara never really made a connection with children easily, but then again the ones she did forge were for life. For instance Sara kept in touch with the little girl Grissom made her baby-sit on the case with the family killing. Brenda was her name. She was such a great kid and certainly didn't deserve what was done to her. But Catherine didn't know this, so naturally when Sara asked about Lindsay, it puzzled Catherine.
"She is good." Catherine said. "You know slowly getting into the boy phase. Yesterday she asked if she could get a tattoo."
Sara snickered. "How old is she?"
"Nine."
"A little young for boys and tattoos don't you think?"
"Well the age limit keeps getting smaller. I remember when I was nine, boys were the ultimate cootie carriers. I still slept with a stuffed teddy bear."
"Purple elephant." Sara said.
Catherine looked over to Sara in confusion. "What?"
"I had a purple elephant to sleep with."
"Oh." Catherine's eyes scanned the parking lot outside Sara's apartment. "What was his name?"
"It was a girl. Penny." Sara was lost in a time where she could clutch Penny and the world was suddenly a safer place. Everyone grows out of that though. Too bad, she thought. The world wouldn't be such a bad place if we all had a something to hold tight when things got bad.
"Do you still have her?" Catherine asked throwing the car in park.
"Oh no. She was thrown out. I got real sick with some type of virus." Sara knew the name but was too exhausted to remember. "Anyway my father had to burn her." The car was quiet. "Well this is me. I better go." Sara unclasped her seat belt.
"Sara?" Catherine's voice was hopeful.
"Yeah."
"Do you want me to come in until you get settled?"
Sara managed a smile. "Thanks Catherine but I think I can handle it."
"I just want to make sure you're okay. How does your stomach feel?"
"Better. Look I'm doing much better honestly." It was somewhat true Sara was feeling better since Warrick got her something to eat.
Catherine pondered for a moment then bravely asked her questions. "Sara how long have you had an ulcer?"
"Catherine..." The brunette sighed looking away.
Catherine regarded Sara carefully. "Just tell me Sara. Grissom knew about it, have you had it since college?"
Sara turned sharply. "I know what you're thinking and no I didn't get it because of my relationship with Eric."
"If not then, when? How did Grissom find out?" Catherine was quick with her questions. It was like she was on a timer, and her goal: get as much out of Sara before she could realize what was going on. She hated to treat Sara this way but it was the only way to get anything out of her.
"My doctor called the office to notify I couldn't go to work. Grissom just happened to be around when the call came through at the front desk. He was told everything." Sara watched Catherine's face trying to read it. "I am fine Catherine."
"But God, Sara what happened?" Her features graced the unpleasant look on deep concern for her friend. Sara's attitude was quite disturbing to her. To disregard this as nothing was worrying Catherine a little more than she realized initially.
"It's not that big a deal." She replied flatly. The annoyance was evident in her tone.
"It is when you're not eating."
"I know you care Catherine but it's hard to eat something when my stomach is in knots. Let's just drop it."
Catherine stared at Sara. She could see the exhaustion in everything she did. Her eyes blinked so slowly, Catherine was sure Sara was going to fall asleep right there. "Let me take you home with me. I have an extra room and Lindsay would love to see you."
Sara actually laughed at the thought. "Thanks Catherine but I don't think so."
But Catherine was not joking. Sara was starting to scare her. "I am serious Sara. We could talk."
"About what?" Sara said. "I don't want to talk."
"You need to talk. Sara I saw what your stomach looks like. How long have been hurting yourself?"
Sara's fears were confirmed. She knew Catherine wasn't going to forget. She looked at Catherine blankly. Not a word was spoken between the two. Sara was hurt by Catherine's words. Sara knew too well what she was doing to herself and didn't need to be reminded of it by someone else. It wasn't like she can control such a thing. She didn't want to talk about how horrible she felt inside. Not with Catherine or anyone for that matter.
"Sara?" Catherine asked. She was afraid she lost Sara. Me and my big mouth, she thought. Then Sara finally spoke but not the words she wanted to hear.
"I got to go Catherine." She opened the door then jumped out. Before Catherine could say another word the door was shut in her face.
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tbc...