The Portal to Hell
As mentioned in the story of Attila, under Sirius's bed is the Portal to Hell. We call it by many names actually, but Portal to Hell was the shortest and best name we had for it.
The portal was discovered shortly after we first arrived to Hogwarts. James was missing a pair of boxers, and was tearing apart the room looking for them. He ended up crawling under all of our beds, and when he went under Sirius's, he didn't come out.
"Potter? Potter? Hey James!" Called Sirius, looking under the bed. (We were barely on first name basis at that point.)
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" Was the only response. Peter hid behind me as I stared. Sirius stood up, blinking, looking very serious (no pun intended) for an eleven year old. Then, as if he rescued people from under beds on a regular basis, he pulled the sheets of my bed (ignoring my protests) and tied them together in a rope. James's squeals could still be heard. He tied one end around one of my bedposts.
"What ever you do, do not come after me. That is a portal to hell. Actually, it's not really hell, but what else would you call a place of pastel colors and Amazon-like Women that wish to lock you up until you are sixteen then use you as a sex slave?"
"Heaven?" Asked Peter.
"Well, normally I'd say yes, but I've heard stories from my uncle...it pisses off their boyfriends. And believe me, pissing off the boyfriends of Amazon Women is not a good idea. Poor guy lost his bits." He shook is head, tutting slightly, before striking a rather dorky superhero pose. "I SHALL RETURN!!" Then, wrapping the loose end around his waist, he dived under the bed.
That was when I decided that I really needed medication. Or heavy drugs. But since everyone refused to give me either, I became an obsessed chocoholic. Add a little bit of peanut butter, and the world suddenly seems perfect.
So Peter and I sat on my now sheetless bed (I surrounded by wrappers, Peter surrounded by chocolate frog cards) and waited. Occasionally we'd be entertained with screams, squeals, and a couple yells of "I DON'T WANT TO DRESS LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL!" from someone who sounded strangely like James.
An hour past. ("DAMN YOUR FURRY HIDES!") Then two. ("NO! BAD FAIRIES! BAD!") Then three. ("Are these your boxers?") And four. ("GIVE ME BACK MY SWORD!!!") Then I fell asleep.
The next morning, still no sign of James and Sirius, and the screams had lessened. Whether that was a good or bad thing, I did not know. I told the teachers that James and Sirius had eaten too much candy and had gotten very sick, and were currently throwing up in the bathroom. I'm not sure if they ever fully believed me, but puppy dog eyes work wonders.
Finally, when I stumbled back into the dorm room, I was greeted with the site of Sirius (in his dorky superhero pose once more) dressed as Zorro (though he didn't have a sword. I thank who ever is watching out for me for that) and a very peeved James, dressed as a catholic schoolgirl, pig tails and all. (Though I highly doubt catholic schoolgirls wear "Albert and his Fairy Friends" boxers.)
James swore to cut our voice boxes out with a spoon if we ever talked about it again.
"Why a spoon?"
"Because it will HURT more!!!!!!!"
"You've watched Robin Hood: Men in Tights haven't you?"
"Wha? No, I'm just being controlled by a malevolent higher power who knows about strange Muggle movies."
"Oh."
Sometimes James's boxers will still disappear under Sirius's bed, and I've waken up more than once to Sirius beating a well manicured hand that was sticking out from under his bed with a water pitcher.
Five years after the first incident~
"Siri...come back to us...come play with us..."
"DELICIOUS- I MEAN DEVILISH FIENDS! BACK! BACK!"
As mentioned in the story of Attila, under Sirius's bed is the Portal to Hell. We call it by many names actually, but Portal to Hell was the shortest and best name we had for it.
The portal was discovered shortly after we first arrived to Hogwarts. James was missing a pair of boxers, and was tearing apart the room looking for them. He ended up crawling under all of our beds, and when he went under Sirius's, he didn't come out.
"Potter? Potter? Hey James!" Called Sirius, looking under the bed. (We were barely on first name basis at that point.)
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" Was the only response. Peter hid behind me as I stared. Sirius stood up, blinking, looking very serious (no pun intended) for an eleven year old. Then, as if he rescued people from under beds on a regular basis, he pulled the sheets of my bed (ignoring my protests) and tied them together in a rope. James's squeals could still be heard. He tied one end around one of my bedposts.
"What ever you do, do not come after me. That is a portal to hell. Actually, it's not really hell, but what else would you call a place of pastel colors and Amazon-like Women that wish to lock you up until you are sixteen then use you as a sex slave?"
"Heaven?" Asked Peter.
"Well, normally I'd say yes, but I've heard stories from my uncle...it pisses off their boyfriends. And believe me, pissing off the boyfriends of Amazon Women is not a good idea. Poor guy lost his bits." He shook is head, tutting slightly, before striking a rather dorky superhero pose. "I SHALL RETURN!!" Then, wrapping the loose end around his waist, he dived under the bed.
That was when I decided that I really needed medication. Or heavy drugs. But since everyone refused to give me either, I became an obsessed chocoholic. Add a little bit of peanut butter, and the world suddenly seems perfect.
So Peter and I sat on my now sheetless bed (I surrounded by wrappers, Peter surrounded by chocolate frog cards) and waited. Occasionally we'd be entertained with screams, squeals, and a couple yells of "I DON'T WANT TO DRESS LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL!" from someone who sounded strangely like James.
An hour past. ("DAMN YOUR FURRY HIDES!") Then two. ("NO! BAD FAIRIES! BAD!") Then three. ("Are these your boxers?") And four. ("GIVE ME BACK MY SWORD!!!") Then I fell asleep.
The next morning, still no sign of James and Sirius, and the screams had lessened. Whether that was a good or bad thing, I did not know. I told the teachers that James and Sirius had eaten too much candy and had gotten very sick, and were currently throwing up in the bathroom. I'm not sure if they ever fully believed me, but puppy dog eyes work wonders.
Finally, when I stumbled back into the dorm room, I was greeted with the site of Sirius (in his dorky superhero pose once more) dressed as Zorro (though he didn't have a sword. I thank who ever is watching out for me for that) and a very peeved James, dressed as a catholic schoolgirl, pig tails and all. (Though I highly doubt catholic schoolgirls wear "Albert and his Fairy Friends" boxers.)
James swore to cut our voice boxes out with a spoon if we ever talked about it again.
"Why a spoon?"
"Because it will HURT more!!!!!!!"
"You've watched Robin Hood: Men in Tights haven't you?"
"Wha? No, I'm just being controlled by a malevolent higher power who knows about strange Muggle movies."
"Oh."
Sometimes James's boxers will still disappear under Sirius's bed, and I've waken up more than once to Sirius beating a well manicured hand that was sticking out from under his bed with a water pitcher.
Five years after the first incident~
"Siri...come back to us...come play with us..."
"DELICIOUS- I MEAN DEVILISH FIENDS! BACK! BACK!"