Twelve Days of Christmas
Day Ten
Author: Orrymain
Author Email: marciastudley@comcast.net (Feedback welcome)
Author Website: http://orrymain.raikiri.net/fanfichome.html
Category: Slash, H/C of the mental kind, Romance, Holiday, Established Relationship
Pairing: Jack/Daniel .... and it's all J/D
Rating: PG-13
Season: 7 - December 23, 2003
Spoilers: None
Size: 29kb, short story
Written: December 3,5-6,8,22, 2003
Disclaimer: Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't. This was a whim; all in fun. I don't have anything to do with them legally!
Summary: It's the tenth day of Christmas as Jack and Daniel celebrate their first holiday season together as husband and husband! On the agenda for the day, time to honor the past!
Notes: Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better: Suzanna, Charlotte!
Twelve Days of Christmas: Day Ten
by Orrymain
........ "On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love said to me" ........
"I don't want to get out of bed. I'm sick. Tell Hammond I died or something," Jack said, pulling the covers over his head as he rested on his left side.
"Jack," Daniel sat on the bed next to his love, "You're not sick, so ... tell me what's wrong."
Daniel ran his hand up and down Jack's right arm.
"Tell me, Jack," Daniel repeated.
"I have a case of ... of ..."
"Of what?"
"The Daniels."
"Huh?"
"Geez, I feel like you used to be."
Daniel was still lost.
"Jack, as you so often have said to me, speak English."
Jack turned over on his back, and with his hands, turned down the comforter to his waist. It was a big motion, one supposed to indicate frustration, but all it did for Daniel was excite him. Nothing in the world was sexier to him than Jack's chest hairs. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the sexy chest just now flaunted at him and focus on the problem.
"I had a nightmare, a dumb, stupid nightmare that I can't get out of my head, and I don't want to think about that nightmare, Danny, not now ... especially not now," Jack said, letting his vulnerability show through.
"Charlie?"
"Yeah. It's so crazy. We've talked about him so much. I'm fine with it. I mean ... oh, you know what I mean. It's ..." Jack turned his head towards the other side of the room.
Daniel's hand caressed Jack's chest, "Jack, being able to talk about it, remember and ... laugh at the good things, or share the memories ... being able to move forward, doesn't mean that sometimes we can't feel the pain, too. We both know how hard it is to let go of hurt like that, but I think we have. It doesn't rule us anymore, Love, but we'd be liars if we said that sometimes, we still want to cry. We'd be bad liars, Jack."
As he had spoken, Daniel's voice had gone from a firm, reassuring one to that of a tender and sentimental one, almost mournful ... even regretful.
"Ah, Danny," Jack sat up, and kissed the man who was heart and dried the one tear that had escaped from his left eye.
"I'm selfish to be wallowing like this."
"No, that's what I'm saying, Jack. We're so happy, and ... we've come so far, but maybe we're afraid if we take a minute to say that yes, it still hurts a little, too, that we're ... I don't know, slapping our happiness in the face. Does that make sense?"
Jack caressed Daniel's cheek some more and smiled, "Perfect sense. We're afraid to let even a minute of sadness through the door because we're afraid the OTHER one of us will think something's horribly wrong, that we're not happy, when we are."
"Yeah, something like that," Daniel cracked a small, knowing smile.
"We're idiots, Daniel. You realize that?"
Daniel answered softly, "I do now."
Jack's internal Daniel alarm chimed, "Danny, have you thought about your parents? Geez, I know that's a dumb question."
"No, it's not, because what you're really asking is ... has it hurt."
Jack nodded, "Yes, so, like with me today, has it ... for you?"
Daniel stood up from the bed and, self-hugging, walked towards the door and then turned around. He wanted to crawl into a corner, but then Jack smiled, a patient, loving, non-judgmental smile, and Daniel knew he was being silly for worrying so much.
He inhaled deeply for a moment, holding the breath, and then released it. He returned to the bed, sat back down, and took Jack's hand.
"Gawd, I feel so guilty."
"Don't, Love. Just tell me."
"I didn't lie, Jack. I just ... left it out," Daniel admitted.
Jack put his other hand over Daniel's and brought it up to his mouth and kissed it.
"It's okay, Danny. Whatever it is, it's okay."
"That Saturday, when I had to work?"
"Last week. The report for Hammond," Jack confirmed and Daniel nodded.
"I'm not sure why, except one of the figures in the translation reminded me of a painting in the Museum ... in New York. I've seen it so often, and once that image was in my head, I couldn't get rid of it. It ... distracted me, and I started thinking about the cover stone, and how my parents died, and how much I missed them growing up and ... and how much I wish they were here now, to meet you, know how much I love you."
Daniel paused, a few more tears running down his face which Jack tenderly dried with his hands.
"It just hurt. It hadn't hurt like that in a long time, but it did that Saturday. I couldn't work. I just kept seeing the stone falling, and the blood, and then I'd cry because they weren't here to see how you've changed my life, given me life. So, instead of finishing by noon or something ..."
Jack smiled, and brought Daniel close to him, his chin nestling into his lover's neck.
"I understand. It's okay. I'm not mad, Love. You didn't lie to me."
"We're both rationalizing."
"Sometimes that's okay," Jack insisted as he pulled back and looked Daniel in the eyes.
"I didn't want you to think ... I mean ..."
"I know, Love. I need to do something, Danny. Will you come with me ... right now?"
For a split second, Daniel remembered another report due today, but for one of the rare times in his life, Daniel put his own needs first, and today, he knew he and Jack needed some time to remember their past together.
"Yes."
Jack reached for the phone and called in "sick." "Sick of hiding," he explained to Daniel after hanging up. Daniel then placed his "sick" call. "Sick of archaic laws that prevent people from openly showing how much we love each other," he stated to Jack after he had hung up the phone.
====
"Hey, Sport," Jack knelt down at the headstone of Charlie's grave, speaking almost inaudibly.
Daniel stood back, giving Jack time with his son. Jack rarely went to the gravesite, his rationale being, "He's in here, in my heart, not in some piece of ground" and Daniel couldn't argue with that, so he had never tried.
But on this day, Jack needed to be near the physical remains of his son's flesh and blood.
Daniel thought it would be a day of mourning, and more tears, but then, Jack was always full of surprises.
"Sport, I know you know. You have to, but your old Dad has gone and fallen in love with the greatest guy on the face on the Earth."
Daniel's mouth fell open, totally shocked at what Jack was saying.
"Yes, I said, guy. He's really bulked up over the years, too. Mr. Muscles, My Danny is now," Jack spoke with pride.
"I hope you don't mind that, Charlie. Your mom. She's the greatest, and I loved her. I still love her, Son. She's happy now, too. I'm sure you know that."
Jack adjusted a few flowers on the grave. He knew Sara must have been there recently.
"She's probably told you about her life, and made excuses about why I've stayed away. I'm ... I've never been good with words, Sport, but Danny, sometimes he turns me into a poet. He's a good man, Charlie, a kind man, full of love, and for some crazy reason, he's giving all that love to me.
"You'd love him, Charlie. God knows I love him. Strange as it may seem, he's my life. I wish you could know him. I wish ...," Jack struggled not to tear up at that point, "... you could see how happy he makes me. I wish I knew you approved, that you'd understand that love is everywhere.
"It took me a long time, Son, to figure out that there are no rules for loving someone. When you died, and your mom and I realized we couldn't make it work together anymore, I thought I'd die. I was going to ... and then I met Danny.
"I thought love had to be a certain way, a man and a woman joining together. Then I realized I had fallen in love with him. He was my best friend, and he turned my whole life upside down," Jack's hand now ran up and down the corner of the stone as he talked, "It scared me at first, Charlie, but in the end, I learned that love is beautiful and wherever we find it, we need to embrace it, so I did, and miracle of miracles, My Love fell in love with me, too.
"We got married, Charlie. It was a perfect day, in the mountains overlooking the waters. There was a sunset there, Sport, that made me feel so alive because it reminded me how precious life is. The only thing missing from our special day was you not being there," Jack smiled at the gray stone, focusing on the photo that was in the center of it.
He took a breath and continued to speak, "It's been a whole month now, and I've never been happier. Gawd, Charlie, do you ... can you understand that?"
Daniel was having a hard time maintaining both his distance and his composure. Jack's words were bearing into his heart and soul. He had a lump in his throat that he was sure was the size of a mountain. Tears were welling up, and he struggled to keep them back.
"Sport, Danny and I ... it's not going to be easy, but we want to adopt some kids. Yeah, I know, you probably never thought I'd say that, but he's going to be the best father. We have so much love to give, so friggin' much, and we want to share it. I pray that you understand that, too, because I'll never forget you, Charlie. I love you, and ... and I know Danny loves you, too."
"Charlie, you always wanted a little brother or sister, and now, well, I'm sure Mom has told you she's bringing another precious life into this world, and now, so will Danny and I. You'll probably end up with a whole bunch of little siblings, and Son, they'll all know about their big brother. I promise you that. They'll know about you, Charlie ... how much ... how very much we ... we love you, and miss you ..."
Jack began to cry, and Daniel went to him, kneeling down, putting his arms around him. Jack looked at him and smiled, and then back at the stone.
"This is ... Danny. He's my heart. So are you, Charlie. I wish ... I just wish ..."
Jack needed a bit of a reprieve, so Daniel gave him one.
"Hi, Charlie. I'm ..." Daniel looked at Jack, and suddenly he felt like he could be just as free with Charlie as he was with Charlie's dad, so for the first time since he was a little boy, Daniel introduced himself with a complete lack of inhibition, saying "I'm Danny."
Jack looked at his love, recognizing and appreciating what Daniel had just done, something Daniel would probably never again do in his lifetime. Jack smiled a soft, tender "thank you" that was spoken, not in words, but heart to heart. Then, he listened as Daniel continued to speak.
"I just want you to know that I love your dad with all my heart, and I promise, I'll do my best to keep him happy for the rest of our lives. And, like your dad said, our children will know all there is to know about their older brother. It's a promise from me, too."
Daniel rubbed Jack's back, his head leaning against Jack's shoulder, and then Jack regained his composure, "See, Son, I can cry now, and admit that the pain makes for a helluva nightmare sometimes. I let the pain from losing you destroy me ... until I let Danny's love heal me. I've learned so much from him."
"It works both ways," Daniel said softly.
"Charlie, it's Christmas, and Danny and I have had a wonderful season. Perfect tree. The house is all decorated. We even have little costumes for the girls. Oh, the girls are our beagles, Bijou and Katie. They're such a crazy pair; they keep us hopping. You'd love them, too."
Jack looked at Daniel, "Gawd, I love you," he spoke softly.
It took him a moment, but after a sniffle and swallow, Jack looked back at the headstone and spoke again, "We're gonna go, Sport. I just wanted you to meet Danny officially. I wish I knew you were okay with it, but, Son, I never lied to you, and I don't lie to Danny either, and I have to tell you, that it's okay if you're angry with me for what happened between your mom and I. It was my fault.
"And it's okay if you don't understand about me falling in love with a man. You weren't here long enough to learn all the facets to love. It can get so dang complicated sometimes. But just so you know, I do hope you approve, that if you could, somehow you'd give us your blessing. But even if you don't, I'll never leave Danny. We're forever and always, and I need you to know that. I'll love you until the end of time and beyond, Charlie, but Danny's my life now. Okay? That's the straight scoop, father to son."
Jack stood, so Daniel did, too.
"I love you, Son. I'll try not to stay away for so long."
Jack turned and headed back for the truck. After watching Jack walk for a few seconds, Daniel looked down at the grave, "He said that for my benefit. He loves me, and it's mutual, big time mutual. I can't imagine my life without him."
Daniel sighed, all kinds of emotions flowing through him, but he had something else he had to say, something he had to reassure Charlie of.
"But I'm not so sure that if he had to make a choice, he'd choose me. You're not here, in the flesh, so it's easier to not think about that, so don't be upset with him for what he said. I don't really think it's true, except ... I think I make him happy, and ... I think if he did have to choose, he'd be miserable, no matter what choice he might make. Don't make him choose, Charlie. He loves us both so much.
"And, one more thing, I know you've been watching over him. I want you to know that I'll do my best to look out for your dad, to take care of him as I know you wish you could do in person. He's my life, Charlie. He's given me so much. Gawd, he's spun my world around until I'm dizzy, but all in such a good way. He showed me how to live, Charlie. I will love him, forever and always. Goodbye."
When Daniel reached the truck, Jack was standing in front of it waiting.
"What were you talking about?"
"How much you love us ... both of us."
Jack nodded, adding, "And that is the truth."
"I know."
Both stood with their hands in their pockets, the air nippy and crisp. Jack leaned against the front of the truck and looked off to his left.
"It's just so hard. Danny, after our wedding ceremony, you felt it, didn't you?"
"That there was something ... greater than us, than the day, and the sunset that we watched? Yes, I felt it."
"It used to seem simple, but now ... Sometimes, I think Charlie is with me, watching over me, but then when I look up, all I can see is him in that grave, cold and alone, wondering where Mommy and Daddy are."
"He's not alone, Jack. I don't believe that."
"But we don't know, do we? Maybe he thinks we've deserted him, or maybe that's all there is for him, the cold and the dark. How do I know that he's okay?"
"You have to listen to your heart, feel him inside of you. Isn't that what you told me about my parents?"
"Figures. Throw my own words in my face," Jack winced, a small smile showing.
"Jack, I'm not sure what I believe exactly, but we both know there's something, if from nothing else, than from what we shared during our wedding."
Jack shrugged, shaking his head, fighting off more tears, his voice cracked as he spoke next.
"Years ago, I knew what I thought, and then I lost a lot of my beliefs the minute I heard the gun go off. Where was God then? Why didn't he stop him from pulling the trigger? Charlie was a good boy, a sweet child and he'd only just begun to live. I don't understand why God would allow that to happen. Why didn't He protect him?"
Daniel saw the confusion in his love's watery eyes, and he desperately wished he could answer the questions as easily as he had those on an exam.
"There's a lot that we'll never understand, about life and death. I don't have cast iron answers to any of it, but I believe you, Jack, what you said to me years ago about my parents, that they live, in here, in my heart, and maybe," Daniel looked around, his eyes gazing upward, "out there somewhere."
Daniel smiled as he exhaled a breath, "I don't believe for one second that Charlie is in that grave. I don't, Jack. You've always said his spirit was out here, filling up the world with his essence, and that's true. To believe anything to the contrary would mean that life itself was ... well, nonsense. I mean, what would be the point?"
"But why, Danny? Why take the children?"
"Jack, in my work, I've come across a lot of different beliefs, and yet, for all their differences, they all lead to virtually the same thing, the continuation of the soul after death. So many cultures believe that when a child dies and goes to Heaven or whatever name they give to it, that the child keeps on growing, as if still living. The child grows in both body and spirit and gains the understanding that comes with it."
Daniel paused, his right hand reaching out to caress Jack's, making sure his husband was still with him.
"Jack, I'm not lecturing, am I?"
"No, go on."
"Other societies believe that whenever time ends, and life moves forward to another plane, that those taken early will get to live their lives out during the transition. I know ... it sounds complicated, but really, in the end, all these variations still say the same thing ... that the spirit is separate from the body, and life goes on, in some way, for that spirit when the physical body ceases to function.
"I don't know about God. I want to believe. Sometimes, I think I believe so strongly. I ... I pray in my own way to whatever that force is that we felt on the day we got married because I do believe it's there.
"I also know that we aren't meant to have all the answers, as much as we want them because that is what life is ... a trek for the answers. If we knew everything, if there were no questions, I'm not sure what it would be, but it wouldn't be life as we know it. Our journey wouldn't be much of a quest if we always knew where to go or what to do. I guess ... I guess that's what faith is all about, trusting that what we have here means something more than we can see."
"Not knowing, Danny, I just ...," Jack looked away for a second, and then back at Daniel, "It almost killed me. It destroyed my soul, not knowing, wondering why. You saw what I was like."
"My Love, you can never lose faith. Call it a faith in God, or Mohammad or the sunset, but you have to have it, Jack. Both of us have to believe that our world goes on. I wish I knew how, too. I'm a scientist, for crying out loud. I wish I could I stand here and say my parents were standing right there, or to another extreme, that somehow, their deaths had to be in order for the cosmos to be safe. Gawd, I don't know.
"Jack, that force, if you think about it, aren't we lucky? Do I really have nine lives? Think about what we've lived through. We sound like a ... a ..."
"Sci-fi movie," Jack laughed.
"Yes, one of those bad sci-fi B-movies that everyone laughs at because it's so ridiculous. Jack, are we really that good, or is there something, someone out there that helps us make the world a better place? I don't know for sure, but I guess I'm leaning that way.
"I can't believe my parents were crushed to a pulp and have spent the last few decades in a piece of earth, and that's all there is for them. And I don't believe that your precious son is there either. It's nice for us, the survivors, to have a place to go, to remember, to pay our respects. It's ... comforting to have a place that can symbolize the love in our hearts, where we can laugh and cry as we say hello and then goodbye again.
"But, I guess what I'm saying is that we have to believe that everything happens for a reason, that the innocent do get their day, and who knows, Jack, maybe where they are now is a more wonderful place than we can imagine!"
"It's just thinking about him being alone. I think that bothers me more than anything else. Children shouldn't be alone."
"He's not alone, Babe. The minute he pulled that trigger, there were arms around him, holding him tight. He was just a child, an innocent, and that would be the most precious thing to those that have gone before. Jack," Daniel cupped Jack's face, his thumbs gently sweeping across the cool skin, "what is in that piece of ground is just the remnants of the physical body. We need that connection, to know it's there, and to be able to visit. It's for the survivors. But Charlie, his essence, his soul ... Jack, your son is in a place surrounded by love, with others to help him and care for him until the day when his parents can be with him again."
Jack nodded, and realized both he and his husband were on the edge of crying like babies. He didn't want to cry. He'd done that, and so had Daniel. They'd moved on so far from the pain. Both wanted their loved ones to be at peace, and Jack knew, for that to happen, the two of them had to be, too.
"Geez, it's Christmas. Why are we standing at a cemetery anyway?"
"Because Christmas is a time of renewal, of honoring life, of paying homage to whatever that greater power is, and because your son has a father who loves him very much. And, on days like today, sometimes fathers need to be with their sons. Love is good, Jack."
"He'd love you, Danny. I know he would, and if he were here, you'd be his father, too."
Daniel was taken aback by that statement, "Jack, if Charlie were alive, you'd be living happily with Sara."
"Would I? I'm not so sure, Angel. I think somehow we would have found each other. Don't ask me how, Danny, but you are too much a part of me to be able to think that Charlie had to die for us to be together. I don't believe that, Daniel."
"I don't know what to say to that," Daniel desperately tried to say without succumbing to more tears.
"You don't have to say anything," Jack exhaled a big breath, "I guess that, in the end, it is faith that is the most important, believing in whatever waits beyond when we get through here, and there is something, because we go forever. I've never believed anything more in my life, than I do in you and I and our eternity. My faith is right here, Danny. You're my faith."
"Charlie has the best father, Jack. I know he's proud of you."
"I don't know about proud, but, he's a lucky kid."
"Yes, lucky to have had you."
Jack shook his head just slightly, taking Daniel in his arms, "Lucky that he has a mom who adores him to the ends of time, and lucky that he has two fathers who love him."
Daniel's heart stopped. In fact, he was so stunned that he almost fell to the ground, Jack's strong arms keeping him upright. He was speechless, and positive he had just read something into Jack's words that weren't there.
"Danny, My Love, you do love him?"
"Ye...yes, of course I do, bbbb...bbb....but ..."
"No buts, Love. If he were here now, you would be just as much his father as I am. We'd be ... doing those joint custody weekends. He'd be yours, too."
"Jack ..." Daniel was shaking, so Jack held him close.
"Two fathers, Danny, three if you count Mark, but he'd have both of us, always. I love you so much, so much that I ..."
"That you'd share your son with me?"
"Our son. He's ours," Jack whispered firmly into his husband's ear as he held him tight.
"I love you, Jack."
The words didn't seem enough, but Daniel had no words to speak his heart. Jack had just given him a piece of himself that Daniel didn't know was possible to give, and as a result, the younger man's own heart was barely beating.
"Let's go home," Jack smiled.
====
As they drove in the truck, Daniel looked out the window, lost in thought.
"I wish your folks were buried here," Jack said, luring his lover out of his silence.
Daniel agreed, and yet, it made him feel awkward. Where would he bury them? He didn't want his life with Jack to revolve around cemeteries. Besides, he wasn't sure he had a right to move his parents to fulfill his own needs, so he decided against thinking about it any more than he had already that day.
"I do, too, but they're someplace they love. Yet, in a funny kind of way, it would be nice to have some place to go."
"Yeah."
"But still, you're right with what you've always said, they're in our hearts, always with us."
Jack reached out and squeezed Daniel's hand briefly.
====
"Hey Sara, how's the pregnancy? ... Good ... Listen, I'd like to talk with you about something, but not over the phone. Do you think Mark would mind if I dropped by for a few minutes? ... Yeah, that would be great. I have some errands to run, so I can ... laughter He's great. ... Okay, see you soon. Thanks."
Jack walked out of the study, "Danny, I'm going to take care of those errands now. I'll probably be a few hours. How about when I get back we go for a walk?"
"Sure. I think I'll get some work done while you're gone. Jack, are you okay?"
"Perfectly. You wiped away all my blues. Visiting Charlie was the perfect thing to do. Thank you for coming with me, for trusting me."
"I always trust you, Jack."
"Love you."
The two kissed their good-byes, and then went on with their business.
====
Later that night, Jack and Daniel went for a short walk. It had started to snow, so they didn't go as far as they would have normally.
"This is a good place to live," Jack said, taking in the neighborhood as small flakes fell on him.
"I like it," Daniel said, "Different though from Egypt."
"Colder anyway," Jack laughed.
"Jack, where'd you go today?"
Jack glanced at Daniel, "Didn't fool you for a minute, did I?"
"No, you had something you needed to do without me, and I knew that whatever it was, well ... you had to do it alone, I guess."
"I went to see Sara. For one thing, I wanted to tell her that we went to see Charlie. I thought she'd want to know."
"She used to give you a hard time about that, didn't she?"
"She was right on that one. I was avoiding it because of my own problems. I wasn't thinking about Charlie, I was focused on myself. I just wanted her to know."
The two walked quietly for a few minutes, "And yes, there's something else, but I need to keep that a secret for a little while."
"What are you up to, Jack?"
"Now, 'up' is a very interesting word."
"You're trying to distract me."
"All I said is that 'up' was an interesting word. You're the one who is assuming."
"I didn't assume anything. I was following the conversation," Daniel insisted.
"Up is still a very interesting word, and in fact," Jack scooped Daniel into him for a long kiss, "I'd like to show you just how 'up' I can be."
"Jaaaaack!" Daniel pushed him away, "Geez, we're outside, in front of ... gawd, I don't even know who lives here. Stop it," Daniel laughed, walking away quickly.
"You can't run from me," Jack teased.
"Oh, yes I can," and to prove it, Daniel ran the rest of the way home, with Jack close on his tail, catching him by the front door.
"Caught you!"
Both were out of breath, air coming from their mouths due to the chilling air. "That's because you have the keys."
"Smarty pants."
Jack kissed Daniel again on their front porch, and as he did, managed to reach in his pocket for the key and unlock the door, both of them nearly falling into the entrance way as the door opened.
As the tenth day of Christmas ended, Jack and Daniel made love, and then shared more stories from their holidays past with Charlie and Daniel's parents, and then they made love again, happy to have spent some of their first official holiday season with their precious family members who were no longer with them.
~~Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really?~~
Day Ten
Author: Orrymain
Author Email: marciastudley@comcast.net (Feedback welcome)
Author Website: http://orrymain.raikiri.net/fanfichome.html
Category: Slash, H/C of the mental kind, Romance, Holiday, Established Relationship
Pairing: Jack/Daniel .... and it's all J/D
Rating: PG-13
Season: 7 - December 23, 2003
Spoilers: None
Size: 29kb, short story
Written: December 3,5-6,8,22, 2003
Disclaimer: Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't. This was a whim; all in fun. I don't have anything to do with them legally!
Summary: It's the tenth day of Christmas as Jack and Daniel celebrate their first holiday season together as husband and husband! On the agenda for the day, time to honor the past!
Notes: Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better: Suzanna, Charlotte!
Twelve Days of Christmas: Day Ten
by Orrymain
........ "On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love said to me" ........
"I don't want to get out of bed. I'm sick. Tell Hammond I died or something," Jack said, pulling the covers over his head as he rested on his left side.
"Jack," Daniel sat on the bed next to his love, "You're not sick, so ... tell me what's wrong."
Daniel ran his hand up and down Jack's right arm.
"Tell me, Jack," Daniel repeated.
"I have a case of ... of ..."
"Of what?"
"The Daniels."
"Huh?"
"Geez, I feel like you used to be."
Daniel was still lost.
"Jack, as you so often have said to me, speak English."
Jack turned over on his back, and with his hands, turned down the comforter to his waist. It was a big motion, one supposed to indicate frustration, but all it did for Daniel was excite him. Nothing in the world was sexier to him than Jack's chest hairs. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the sexy chest just now flaunted at him and focus on the problem.
"I had a nightmare, a dumb, stupid nightmare that I can't get out of my head, and I don't want to think about that nightmare, Danny, not now ... especially not now," Jack said, letting his vulnerability show through.
"Charlie?"
"Yeah. It's so crazy. We've talked about him so much. I'm fine with it. I mean ... oh, you know what I mean. It's ..." Jack turned his head towards the other side of the room.
Daniel's hand caressed Jack's chest, "Jack, being able to talk about it, remember and ... laugh at the good things, or share the memories ... being able to move forward, doesn't mean that sometimes we can't feel the pain, too. We both know how hard it is to let go of hurt like that, but I think we have. It doesn't rule us anymore, Love, but we'd be liars if we said that sometimes, we still want to cry. We'd be bad liars, Jack."
As he had spoken, Daniel's voice had gone from a firm, reassuring one to that of a tender and sentimental one, almost mournful ... even regretful.
"Ah, Danny," Jack sat up, and kissed the man who was heart and dried the one tear that had escaped from his left eye.
"I'm selfish to be wallowing like this."
"No, that's what I'm saying, Jack. We're so happy, and ... we've come so far, but maybe we're afraid if we take a minute to say that yes, it still hurts a little, too, that we're ... I don't know, slapping our happiness in the face. Does that make sense?"
Jack caressed Daniel's cheek some more and smiled, "Perfect sense. We're afraid to let even a minute of sadness through the door because we're afraid the OTHER one of us will think something's horribly wrong, that we're not happy, when we are."
"Yeah, something like that," Daniel cracked a small, knowing smile.
"We're idiots, Daniel. You realize that?"
Daniel answered softly, "I do now."
Jack's internal Daniel alarm chimed, "Danny, have you thought about your parents? Geez, I know that's a dumb question."
"No, it's not, because what you're really asking is ... has it hurt."
Jack nodded, "Yes, so, like with me today, has it ... for you?"
Daniel stood up from the bed and, self-hugging, walked towards the door and then turned around. He wanted to crawl into a corner, but then Jack smiled, a patient, loving, non-judgmental smile, and Daniel knew he was being silly for worrying so much.
He inhaled deeply for a moment, holding the breath, and then released it. He returned to the bed, sat back down, and took Jack's hand.
"Gawd, I feel so guilty."
"Don't, Love. Just tell me."
"I didn't lie, Jack. I just ... left it out," Daniel admitted.
Jack put his other hand over Daniel's and brought it up to his mouth and kissed it.
"It's okay, Danny. Whatever it is, it's okay."
"That Saturday, when I had to work?"
"Last week. The report for Hammond," Jack confirmed and Daniel nodded.
"I'm not sure why, except one of the figures in the translation reminded me of a painting in the Museum ... in New York. I've seen it so often, and once that image was in my head, I couldn't get rid of it. It ... distracted me, and I started thinking about the cover stone, and how my parents died, and how much I missed them growing up and ... and how much I wish they were here now, to meet you, know how much I love you."
Daniel paused, a few more tears running down his face which Jack tenderly dried with his hands.
"It just hurt. It hadn't hurt like that in a long time, but it did that Saturday. I couldn't work. I just kept seeing the stone falling, and the blood, and then I'd cry because they weren't here to see how you've changed my life, given me life. So, instead of finishing by noon or something ..."
Jack smiled, and brought Daniel close to him, his chin nestling into his lover's neck.
"I understand. It's okay. I'm not mad, Love. You didn't lie to me."
"We're both rationalizing."
"Sometimes that's okay," Jack insisted as he pulled back and looked Daniel in the eyes.
"I didn't want you to think ... I mean ..."
"I know, Love. I need to do something, Danny. Will you come with me ... right now?"
For a split second, Daniel remembered another report due today, but for one of the rare times in his life, Daniel put his own needs first, and today, he knew he and Jack needed some time to remember their past together.
"Yes."
Jack reached for the phone and called in "sick." "Sick of hiding," he explained to Daniel after hanging up. Daniel then placed his "sick" call. "Sick of archaic laws that prevent people from openly showing how much we love each other," he stated to Jack after he had hung up the phone.
====
"Hey, Sport," Jack knelt down at the headstone of Charlie's grave, speaking almost inaudibly.
Daniel stood back, giving Jack time with his son. Jack rarely went to the gravesite, his rationale being, "He's in here, in my heart, not in some piece of ground" and Daniel couldn't argue with that, so he had never tried.
But on this day, Jack needed to be near the physical remains of his son's flesh and blood.
Daniel thought it would be a day of mourning, and more tears, but then, Jack was always full of surprises.
"Sport, I know you know. You have to, but your old Dad has gone and fallen in love with the greatest guy on the face on the Earth."
Daniel's mouth fell open, totally shocked at what Jack was saying.
"Yes, I said, guy. He's really bulked up over the years, too. Mr. Muscles, My Danny is now," Jack spoke with pride.
"I hope you don't mind that, Charlie. Your mom. She's the greatest, and I loved her. I still love her, Son. She's happy now, too. I'm sure you know that."
Jack adjusted a few flowers on the grave. He knew Sara must have been there recently.
"She's probably told you about her life, and made excuses about why I've stayed away. I'm ... I've never been good with words, Sport, but Danny, sometimes he turns me into a poet. He's a good man, Charlie, a kind man, full of love, and for some crazy reason, he's giving all that love to me.
"You'd love him, Charlie. God knows I love him. Strange as it may seem, he's my life. I wish you could know him. I wish ...," Jack struggled not to tear up at that point, "... you could see how happy he makes me. I wish I knew you approved, that you'd understand that love is everywhere.
"It took me a long time, Son, to figure out that there are no rules for loving someone. When you died, and your mom and I realized we couldn't make it work together anymore, I thought I'd die. I was going to ... and then I met Danny.
"I thought love had to be a certain way, a man and a woman joining together. Then I realized I had fallen in love with him. He was my best friend, and he turned my whole life upside down," Jack's hand now ran up and down the corner of the stone as he talked, "It scared me at first, Charlie, but in the end, I learned that love is beautiful and wherever we find it, we need to embrace it, so I did, and miracle of miracles, My Love fell in love with me, too.
"We got married, Charlie. It was a perfect day, in the mountains overlooking the waters. There was a sunset there, Sport, that made me feel so alive because it reminded me how precious life is. The only thing missing from our special day was you not being there," Jack smiled at the gray stone, focusing on the photo that was in the center of it.
He took a breath and continued to speak, "It's been a whole month now, and I've never been happier. Gawd, Charlie, do you ... can you understand that?"
Daniel was having a hard time maintaining both his distance and his composure. Jack's words were bearing into his heart and soul. He had a lump in his throat that he was sure was the size of a mountain. Tears were welling up, and he struggled to keep them back.
"Sport, Danny and I ... it's not going to be easy, but we want to adopt some kids. Yeah, I know, you probably never thought I'd say that, but he's going to be the best father. We have so much love to give, so friggin' much, and we want to share it. I pray that you understand that, too, because I'll never forget you, Charlie. I love you, and ... and I know Danny loves you, too."
"Charlie, you always wanted a little brother or sister, and now, well, I'm sure Mom has told you she's bringing another precious life into this world, and now, so will Danny and I. You'll probably end up with a whole bunch of little siblings, and Son, they'll all know about their big brother. I promise you that. They'll know about you, Charlie ... how much ... how very much we ... we love you, and miss you ..."
Jack began to cry, and Daniel went to him, kneeling down, putting his arms around him. Jack looked at him and smiled, and then back at the stone.
"This is ... Danny. He's my heart. So are you, Charlie. I wish ... I just wish ..."
Jack needed a bit of a reprieve, so Daniel gave him one.
"Hi, Charlie. I'm ..." Daniel looked at Jack, and suddenly he felt like he could be just as free with Charlie as he was with Charlie's dad, so for the first time since he was a little boy, Daniel introduced himself with a complete lack of inhibition, saying "I'm Danny."
Jack looked at his love, recognizing and appreciating what Daniel had just done, something Daniel would probably never again do in his lifetime. Jack smiled a soft, tender "thank you" that was spoken, not in words, but heart to heart. Then, he listened as Daniel continued to speak.
"I just want you to know that I love your dad with all my heart, and I promise, I'll do my best to keep him happy for the rest of our lives. And, like your dad said, our children will know all there is to know about their older brother. It's a promise from me, too."
Daniel rubbed Jack's back, his head leaning against Jack's shoulder, and then Jack regained his composure, "See, Son, I can cry now, and admit that the pain makes for a helluva nightmare sometimes. I let the pain from losing you destroy me ... until I let Danny's love heal me. I've learned so much from him."
"It works both ways," Daniel said softly.
"Charlie, it's Christmas, and Danny and I have had a wonderful season. Perfect tree. The house is all decorated. We even have little costumes for the girls. Oh, the girls are our beagles, Bijou and Katie. They're such a crazy pair; they keep us hopping. You'd love them, too."
Jack looked at Daniel, "Gawd, I love you," he spoke softly.
It took him a moment, but after a sniffle and swallow, Jack looked back at the headstone and spoke again, "We're gonna go, Sport. I just wanted you to meet Danny officially. I wish I knew you were okay with it, but, Son, I never lied to you, and I don't lie to Danny either, and I have to tell you, that it's okay if you're angry with me for what happened between your mom and I. It was my fault.
"And it's okay if you don't understand about me falling in love with a man. You weren't here long enough to learn all the facets to love. It can get so dang complicated sometimes. But just so you know, I do hope you approve, that if you could, somehow you'd give us your blessing. But even if you don't, I'll never leave Danny. We're forever and always, and I need you to know that. I'll love you until the end of time and beyond, Charlie, but Danny's my life now. Okay? That's the straight scoop, father to son."
Jack stood, so Daniel did, too.
"I love you, Son. I'll try not to stay away for so long."
Jack turned and headed back for the truck. After watching Jack walk for a few seconds, Daniel looked down at the grave, "He said that for my benefit. He loves me, and it's mutual, big time mutual. I can't imagine my life without him."
Daniel sighed, all kinds of emotions flowing through him, but he had something else he had to say, something he had to reassure Charlie of.
"But I'm not so sure that if he had to make a choice, he'd choose me. You're not here, in the flesh, so it's easier to not think about that, so don't be upset with him for what he said. I don't really think it's true, except ... I think I make him happy, and ... I think if he did have to choose, he'd be miserable, no matter what choice he might make. Don't make him choose, Charlie. He loves us both so much.
"And, one more thing, I know you've been watching over him. I want you to know that I'll do my best to look out for your dad, to take care of him as I know you wish you could do in person. He's my life, Charlie. He's given me so much. Gawd, he's spun my world around until I'm dizzy, but all in such a good way. He showed me how to live, Charlie. I will love him, forever and always. Goodbye."
When Daniel reached the truck, Jack was standing in front of it waiting.
"What were you talking about?"
"How much you love us ... both of us."
Jack nodded, adding, "And that is the truth."
"I know."
Both stood with their hands in their pockets, the air nippy and crisp. Jack leaned against the front of the truck and looked off to his left.
"It's just so hard. Danny, after our wedding ceremony, you felt it, didn't you?"
"That there was something ... greater than us, than the day, and the sunset that we watched? Yes, I felt it."
"It used to seem simple, but now ... Sometimes, I think Charlie is with me, watching over me, but then when I look up, all I can see is him in that grave, cold and alone, wondering where Mommy and Daddy are."
"He's not alone, Jack. I don't believe that."
"But we don't know, do we? Maybe he thinks we've deserted him, or maybe that's all there is for him, the cold and the dark. How do I know that he's okay?"
"You have to listen to your heart, feel him inside of you. Isn't that what you told me about my parents?"
"Figures. Throw my own words in my face," Jack winced, a small smile showing.
"Jack, I'm not sure what I believe exactly, but we both know there's something, if from nothing else, than from what we shared during our wedding."
Jack shrugged, shaking his head, fighting off more tears, his voice cracked as he spoke next.
"Years ago, I knew what I thought, and then I lost a lot of my beliefs the minute I heard the gun go off. Where was God then? Why didn't he stop him from pulling the trigger? Charlie was a good boy, a sweet child and he'd only just begun to live. I don't understand why God would allow that to happen. Why didn't He protect him?"
Daniel saw the confusion in his love's watery eyes, and he desperately wished he could answer the questions as easily as he had those on an exam.
"There's a lot that we'll never understand, about life and death. I don't have cast iron answers to any of it, but I believe you, Jack, what you said to me years ago about my parents, that they live, in here, in my heart, and maybe," Daniel looked around, his eyes gazing upward, "out there somewhere."
Daniel smiled as he exhaled a breath, "I don't believe for one second that Charlie is in that grave. I don't, Jack. You've always said his spirit was out here, filling up the world with his essence, and that's true. To believe anything to the contrary would mean that life itself was ... well, nonsense. I mean, what would be the point?"
"But why, Danny? Why take the children?"
"Jack, in my work, I've come across a lot of different beliefs, and yet, for all their differences, they all lead to virtually the same thing, the continuation of the soul after death. So many cultures believe that when a child dies and goes to Heaven or whatever name they give to it, that the child keeps on growing, as if still living. The child grows in both body and spirit and gains the understanding that comes with it."
Daniel paused, his right hand reaching out to caress Jack's, making sure his husband was still with him.
"Jack, I'm not lecturing, am I?"
"No, go on."
"Other societies believe that whenever time ends, and life moves forward to another plane, that those taken early will get to live their lives out during the transition. I know ... it sounds complicated, but really, in the end, all these variations still say the same thing ... that the spirit is separate from the body, and life goes on, in some way, for that spirit when the physical body ceases to function.
"I don't know about God. I want to believe. Sometimes, I think I believe so strongly. I ... I pray in my own way to whatever that force is that we felt on the day we got married because I do believe it's there.
"I also know that we aren't meant to have all the answers, as much as we want them because that is what life is ... a trek for the answers. If we knew everything, if there were no questions, I'm not sure what it would be, but it wouldn't be life as we know it. Our journey wouldn't be much of a quest if we always knew where to go or what to do. I guess ... I guess that's what faith is all about, trusting that what we have here means something more than we can see."
"Not knowing, Danny, I just ...," Jack looked away for a second, and then back at Daniel, "It almost killed me. It destroyed my soul, not knowing, wondering why. You saw what I was like."
"My Love, you can never lose faith. Call it a faith in God, or Mohammad or the sunset, but you have to have it, Jack. Both of us have to believe that our world goes on. I wish I knew how, too. I'm a scientist, for crying out loud. I wish I could I stand here and say my parents were standing right there, or to another extreme, that somehow, their deaths had to be in order for the cosmos to be safe. Gawd, I don't know.
"Jack, that force, if you think about it, aren't we lucky? Do I really have nine lives? Think about what we've lived through. We sound like a ... a ..."
"Sci-fi movie," Jack laughed.
"Yes, one of those bad sci-fi B-movies that everyone laughs at because it's so ridiculous. Jack, are we really that good, or is there something, someone out there that helps us make the world a better place? I don't know for sure, but I guess I'm leaning that way.
"I can't believe my parents were crushed to a pulp and have spent the last few decades in a piece of earth, and that's all there is for them. And I don't believe that your precious son is there either. It's nice for us, the survivors, to have a place to go, to remember, to pay our respects. It's ... comforting to have a place that can symbolize the love in our hearts, where we can laugh and cry as we say hello and then goodbye again.
"But, I guess what I'm saying is that we have to believe that everything happens for a reason, that the innocent do get their day, and who knows, Jack, maybe where they are now is a more wonderful place than we can imagine!"
"It's just thinking about him being alone. I think that bothers me more than anything else. Children shouldn't be alone."
"He's not alone, Babe. The minute he pulled that trigger, there were arms around him, holding him tight. He was just a child, an innocent, and that would be the most precious thing to those that have gone before. Jack," Daniel cupped Jack's face, his thumbs gently sweeping across the cool skin, "what is in that piece of ground is just the remnants of the physical body. We need that connection, to know it's there, and to be able to visit. It's for the survivors. But Charlie, his essence, his soul ... Jack, your son is in a place surrounded by love, with others to help him and care for him until the day when his parents can be with him again."
Jack nodded, and realized both he and his husband were on the edge of crying like babies. He didn't want to cry. He'd done that, and so had Daniel. They'd moved on so far from the pain. Both wanted their loved ones to be at peace, and Jack knew, for that to happen, the two of them had to be, too.
"Geez, it's Christmas. Why are we standing at a cemetery anyway?"
"Because Christmas is a time of renewal, of honoring life, of paying homage to whatever that greater power is, and because your son has a father who loves him very much. And, on days like today, sometimes fathers need to be with their sons. Love is good, Jack."
"He'd love you, Danny. I know he would, and if he were here, you'd be his father, too."
Daniel was taken aback by that statement, "Jack, if Charlie were alive, you'd be living happily with Sara."
"Would I? I'm not so sure, Angel. I think somehow we would have found each other. Don't ask me how, Danny, but you are too much a part of me to be able to think that Charlie had to die for us to be together. I don't believe that, Daniel."
"I don't know what to say to that," Daniel desperately tried to say without succumbing to more tears.
"You don't have to say anything," Jack exhaled a big breath, "I guess that, in the end, it is faith that is the most important, believing in whatever waits beyond when we get through here, and there is something, because we go forever. I've never believed anything more in my life, than I do in you and I and our eternity. My faith is right here, Danny. You're my faith."
"Charlie has the best father, Jack. I know he's proud of you."
"I don't know about proud, but, he's a lucky kid."
"Yes, lucky to have had you."
Jack shook his head just slightly, taking Daniel in his arms, "Lucky that he has a mom who adores him to the ends of time, and lucky that he has two fathers who love him."
Daniel's heart stopped. In fact, he was so stunned that he almost fell to the ground, Jack's strong arms keeping him upright. He was speechless, and positive he had just read something into Jack's words that weren't there.
"Danny, My Love, you do love him?"
"Ye...yes, of course I do, bbbb...bbb....but ..."
"No buts, Love. If he were here now, you would be just as much his father as I am. We'd be ... doing those joint custody weekends. He'd be yours, too."
"Jack ..." Daniel was shaking, so Jack held him close.
"Two fathers, Danny, three if you count Mark, but he'd have both of us, always. I love you so much, so much that I ..."
"That you'd share your son with me?"
"Our son. He's ours," Jack whispered firmly into his husband's ear as he held him tight.
"I love you, Jack."
The words didn't seem enough, but Daniel had no words to speak his heart. Jack had just given him a piece of himself that Daniel didn't know was possible to give, and as a result, the younger man's own heart was barely beating.
"Let's go home," Jack smiled.
====
As they drove in the truck, Daniel looked out the window, lost in thought.
"I wish your folks were buried here," Jack said, luring his lover out of his silence.
Daniel agreed, and yet, it made him feel awkward. Where would he bury them? He didn't want his life with Jack to revolve around cemeteries. Besides, he wasn't sure he had a right to move his parents to fulfill his own needs, so he decided against thinking about it any more than he had already that day.
"I do, too, but they're someplace they love. Yet, in a funny kind of way, it would be nice to have some place to go."
"Yeah."
"But still, you're right with what you've always said, they're in our hearts, always with us."
Jack reached out and squeezed Daniel's hand briefly.
====
"Hey Sara, how's the pregnancy? ... Good ... Listen, I'd like to talk with you about something, but not over the phone. Do you think Mark would mind if I dropped by for a few minutes? ... Yeah, that would be great. I have some errands to run, so I can ... laughter He's great. ... Okay, see you soon. Thanks."
Jack walked out of the study, "Danny, I'm going to take care of those errands now. I'll probably be a few hours. How about when I get back we go for a walk?"
"Sure. I think I'll get some work done while you're gone. Jack, are you okay?"
"Perfectly. You wiped away all my blues. Visiting Charlie was the perfect thing to do. Thank you for coming with me, for trusting me."
"I always trust you, Jack."
"Love you."
The two kissed their good-byes, and then went on with their business.
====
Later that night, Jack and Daniel went for a short walk. It had started to snow, so they didn't go as far as they would have normally.
"This is a good place to live," Jack said, taking in the neighborhood as small flakes fell on him.
"I like it," Daniel said, "Different though from Egypt."
"Colder anyway," Jack laughed.
"Jack, where'd you go today?"
Jack glanced at Daniel, "Didn't fool you for a minute, did I?"
"No, you had something you needed to do without me, and I knew that whatever it was, well ... you had to do it alone, I guess."
"I went to see Sara. For one thing, I wanted to tell her that we went to see Charlie. I thought she'd want to know."
"She used to give you a hard time about that, didn't she?"
"She was right on that one. I was avoiding it because of my own problems. I wasn't thinking about Charlie, I was focused on myself. I just wanted her to know."
The two walked quietly for a few minutes, "And yes, there's something else, but I need to keep that a secret for a little while."
"What are you up to, Jack?"
"Now, 'up' is a very interesting word."
"You're trying to distract me."
"All I said is that 'up' was an interesting word. You're the one who is assuming."
"I didn't assume anything. I was following the conversation," Daniel insisted.
"Up is still a very interesting word, and in fact," Jack scooped Daniel into him for a long kiss, "I'd like to show you just how 'up' I can be."
"Jaaaaack!" Daniel pushed him away, "Geez, we're outside, in front of ... gawd, I don't even know who lives here. Stop it," Daniel laughed, walking away quickly.
"You can't run from me," Jack teased.
"Oh, yes I can," and to prove it, Daniel ran the rest of the way home, with Jack close on his tail, catching him by the front door.
"Caught you!"
Both were out of breath, air coming from their mouths due to the chilling air. "That's because you have the keys."
"Smarty pants."
Jack kissed Daniel again on their front porch, and as he did, managed to reach in his pocket for the key and unlock the door, both of them nearly falling into the entrance way as the door opened.
As the tenth day of Christmas ended, Jack and Daniel made love, and then shared more stories from their holidays past with Charlie and Daniel's parents, and then they made love again, happy to have spent some of their first official holiday season with their precious family members who were no longer with them.
~~Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really?~~