Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to the goddess, JKR. A sequel to 'Speranza' and the second part of 'The Higher Graces'. Inspired by "Heart of the Wolf" by metallicafangirl. Dedicated to all members of F.L.A.M.E.R. (each of whom I respect immensely). The title is Portuguese for charity.
CaridadWell, at the very least, he had found someone to talk to.
Wasn't it what Albus had harped on about for the past fifteen years? Don't keep your feelings bottled up like a phial of Dreamless Sleep potion. Don't put up so many barriers. Don't ascribe your continued existence to a cruel whim of fate. Don't delude yourself into thinking there is no purpose left for you simply because the Dark Lord is nothing more than a terrible memory and you can no longer get yourself killed in battle.
Find someone to talk to. Find someone to listen to you.
Severus smirked as he sat back on his chair. He didn't think Albus had meant his current companion, Speranza, when he underscored the importance of talking to someone…anyone.
The cat in question was lazily draped around his shoulders, purring contentedly as Severus sat in his chair marking third year essays on the advances in treatments for lycanthropy. Every so often, Severus would reach up and scratch under her chin, chuckling at how the cat apparently loved these small gestures of affection.
"You are a distraction, Speranza," he said, pushing away the papers and collecting the bundle of fur from its preferred resting place and holding her close for a moment. "But you are a precious distraction."
The cat meowed quietly and butted her head against his chin as if to say 'and never forget that fact'.
Severus leaned back in his chair and ran his fingers along Speranza's back. Again, she began to purr as she nestled into his chest and looked up at him.
"You are a little minx. You know that, don't you? Always so easily pleased. How else would you have chosen me to be your familiar…your human, if you will? I highly doubt there are other cats leaping at the opportunity to spend evenings with the dreaded Potions Master of Hogwarts.
She batted a paw at his hand and twitched her whiskers.
"Yes, you are easily pleased, Speranza. Feign to deny it but a mere scratch under the chin has you purring in sheer ecstasy," he chuckled at how his cat was now trying to capture his hand and pretend to bite it. He tapped it on the nose in a knowing manner. "Some humans are easily pleased as well. Take the Headmaster, for instance. Bring him a plate of sherbet lemons and he is completely satisfied with the order of the universe. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful man…brilliant to a fault, compassionate to excess, eccentric and certainly meddlesome at times…but wonderful all the same."
He sat in silence for several minutes, scratching behind Speranza's ears and feeling the low rumble of her purring resonate through his chest. It was an oddly comforting thing.
"Of course," he remarked suddenly, causing the cat's ears to perk up immediately, "there are others who are never satisfied. Take our dear Transfiguration professor, Miss Granger. She is an eminent example of a person who is never satisfied."
The cat regarded him quizzically, head tilted to one side.
"You have not met her, Speranza. I am not certain she is ready to see you since the death of her own familiar a few months ago. Ah, but I have recently acquired a photograph…let me see…I had it right…" Severus reached down to open a desk drawer and, after fishing through its contents and finding a long lost quill and a phial of red ink, withdrew the photograph in question.
"You see…there she is. You can tell right away that she is a young woman of unwavering curiosity and uncommon intelligence…never satisfied with the simple answer. In a word, infuriating."
The cat regarded the photo lazily, tail flicking every so often. She leaned forward to sniff the paper cautiously, stretching out a paw to touch it.
"No, don't damage the photo, Speranza," Severus put the photo out of the inquisitive cat's reach. "It's the only one I have of her and I do not wish for it to be damaged.
Speranza began to cough slightly.
"I forgot to give you your hairball tonic the other night, didn't I? It's the curse of having such bushy fur, Speranza," Severus put the photograph on his desk and reached into the drawer again. He pulled out a small bottle, which he opened with his thumb. "Here, drink some of this potion. I changed the taste to something you will really appreciate…liver."
The cat dutifully licked the top of the bottle until Severus took it away.
"That will help," Severus said quietly as he put the bottle away. He picked up the photo again and looked at it with a critical eye. Hermione Granger, Transfiguration Professor for the past two years due to the retirement of Minerva McGonagall, was standing by the rose gardens near Greenhouse 4. She obviously was unaware that the photograph was being taken as her attention was focused on the roses. The gentle glow of the setting sun did beautiful things to her skin, added a luster to her hair that he had never noticed before.
There were many things about her that he had never noticed while she had been a student. But, in the past year, he had certainly noticed…
"She is an insufferable know-it-all," he said with a smirk and then winced as Speranza stretched suddenly, digging her claws into his chest.
But he looked at the photograph for many more minutes.
Speranza meowed and Severus turned his attention back to his cat. "Who would have thought that someone such as I would develop…an attraction of sorts…to someone like her? If she were here right now, she would run screaming to Sirius Black to protect her from the miserable old bat that I am."
Severus glared at his cat as it began to cough again. "I suppose I didn't make the potion strong enough. No matter, it will take effect shortly."
Speranza began licking a paw and rubbing it over her face.
"I suppose I am simply an old fool, Speranza," he mused morosely. "She is everything any man could want. She is kind and caring. Talented and determined. Warm and nurturing. Beautiful….she is certainly beautiful."
Speranza stopped to look at him for a moment before resuming her toilette.
"It's been over a year, Speranza. I can't get her out of my thoughts…out of my dreams. What on earth happened to me? I was quite content with my solitary little existence. I had you…what more could I want? She returns to Hogwarts after graduating at the top of her class and is a veritable thorn in my side for the first year. Making my very teeth ache in aggravation over her incessant questions. Sometimes I wonder…perhaps hope…that there is a reason why she is constantly seeking my company. If you haven't noticed, my social skills are not superlative, Speranza."
Speranza simply paused to mrowr in apparent disagreement and continued with her grooming.
"Merlin help me, Speranza. I think I am falling in love with her and it scares me to death," Severus put the cat on his desk and got up to pace frantically. "I don't know the first thing about love. I don't know the first thing about anything like this. I always thought that caring for someone so deeply was a sign of weakness. I always thought that letting someone into your heart rendered you vulnerable. I used to laugh at it and said that it was a mere glamourization of the need for procreation but I was wrong. I am so wrong. And I am back to where I started, unsure of what to do."
Speranza sat sphinx-like on the desk and regarded him intently. Severus walked back to the desk and, crouching down, he crossed his arms on the desk and rested his chin on his hands so that he was at eye-level with his cat.
"So, my most intelligent and talented of cats. What exactly should I do?"
Speranza meowed as she got up and padded quietly over to him, rubbing against his cheek and purring.
"That wasn't a particularly articulate response, little minx," Severus chuckled, picking her up suddenly and, standing up, holding her close to him. "If only I could use you to deliver a message. You would be much more discreet than those damned owls."
Speranza meowed again.
"I feel like a foolish fifth year, Speranza. Look at me. I am over forty and I have fallen in love with a woman half my age," Severus paused for a moment. "I didn't just say that, did I?"
The cat merely twitched her tail impatiently.
Sighing, Severus put her down on the floor. She rubbed against his legs affectionately, purring loudly.
"I know, little minx of a cat. Time for Speranza to terrorize innocent mice," he walked to the door of his office and opened the door. The cat padded deliberately to the open door but stopped to gaze at him intently.
"Sometimes, Speranza, I would swear that you were almost human," he sighed, leaning down to caress her. "I am glad you found me when you did. I don't think all the mice in the world will ever repay that debt."
Speranza twitched her whiskers and bounded down the corridor.
Severus watched her go and smiled. Such a minx of a cat…the perfect companion for a solitary figure such as himself.
Looking at his magical clock, Severus realized that he was late for a meeting with the Headmaster. They had spoken at dinner regarding an upcoming visit from the Potions Master from Durmstrang, Viktor Krum. The truth was that having the young Bulgarian at Hogwarts was twisting Severus' stomach in knots. What if Hermione rekindled her earlier romance with him?
Sighing, Severus locked the door and made his way to the griffin that guarded the entrance to the Headmaster's office. He only paused for a short time when he caught a seventh year Ravenclaw and a sixth year Hufflepuff snogging behind the statue of the one-humped witch. A total of sixty lost points later, he found himself in front of the griffin.
"Turkish Delight," he uttered with a flick of his hands. The griffin began to turn with an initial grinding of rock against rock. He ascended the staircase and was about to knock on the door when he noticed that it was ajar. He moved closer but stopped upon perceiving voices. One was that of the Headmaster while the other…
"Hermione? What can she possibly want with him at this hour? Some emergency in the Gryffindor common room, no doubt," he thought to himself. He decided to listen in on the conversation. After all, he wasn't sorted into Slytherin without just cause.
"Are you certain, Hermione?"
"I can't do this any longer…it…it is becoming…it's changed…I just can't..."
Severus noted that her voice sounded muffled, as if she had recently been crying.
"Does he suspect the truth, do you think?"
"I don't believe so. I have been very careful."
"What on earth can she be talking about? Is she pregnant?" The thought made him ill…pregnancy implied intimacy, which meant she loved someone else.
"The time turner has been of immense help although, initially, I never thought Minerva would approve its use for such a purpose. And I really don't want to give this up…this closeness…this…I don't know what this is anymore. It's so much more than I would have expected two years ago. There is so much more to him…I learn something each evening…I just don't know anymore…and now…this…"
"Then…why, Hermione? I have never seen Severus so at peace with himself. Speranza has been his saving grace. You and I both know that."
Another outburst of sobs.
"There, there, Hermione. Why has it become so difficult? As I remember, you initially found it to be most amusing."
"That was before…before…"
"Before what, Hermione?"
Severus heard the sound of frantic footsteps and assumed that she was now pacing the well-worn floors of the office.
"I saved his life because I felt sorry for him…I did not mean to deceive him but I could not let him destroy himself."
"We have discussed this many times, Hermione. We agreed that your animagus abilities should remain unregistered for Severus' sake. You have become his companion…his confidant. You have been a beneficial and positive influence in his life."
Severus felt himself slipping to the floor in disbelief. Speranza was Hermione! Hermione was Speranza. And he had just told her about his feelings
for her. He felt light-headed and
dizzy, nauseous from the humiliation.
Gripping the wall tightly, he tried to hold back the shudders of remorse
that coursed through his body. She had
felt sorry for him…and had continued in this little farce to ensure he would
not try to harm himself again.
There was more conversation but Severus had heard enough. There was a curious ringing in his ears that blotted it all out. And the grief in his heart quickly transformed into pain. And the pain grew. He was soon engulfed in a blind, bitter rage and he stood up, schooled his expression into the accustomed sneer and burst into the office, robes billowing dramatically as he strode towards the stunned pair.
"Severus?" Albus spoke first. "What a pleasant surprise. I did expect you about half an hour ago…"
"How dare you?" Severus shouted at Hermione. She blanched as sudden realization hit her. "How dare you take your amusement at my expense?"
"You don't understand, Severus…I never meant..."
"How terribly Gryffindor of you, Hermione! I never meant to gain your trust through an assumed form and throw it back in your face, Severus," he drawled. "I never meant to humiliate you by listening to all your secrets, Severus. I never meant to make you look like a complete fool, Severus. I never meant to betray you, Severus."
"Severus, please be reasonable…" Albus tried to interrupt but Severus held up a hand to stop the older wizard.
"Don't tell me to be reasonable, Albus," he hissed through pursed lips. "I thought I had a friend…a companion. What I had was a lie…a deception from my own colleagues. Well, I hope you enjoyed the show but it will end tonight. I will bring you my resignation tomorrow morning and I would suggest you find another Potions instructor before month's end or else the seventh years will be in dire straits for their NEWTs.
"Severus, you can't leave…please…you have to hear me out…you don't understand…" Hermione pleaded with him, coming closer and reaching out a hand.
He backed away from her, feeling betrayed by her mere proximity.
"I can and I will, Professor Granger," he replied coldly…emphasizing the formality of the title, which served to place miles of distance between them.
Her eyes began to fill with tears.
"Don't waste your tears, Professor Granger. I am certain that you and your cronies can fill your craws with my many failings for some weeks to come," Severus drew his cloak tightly around himself.
"Severus! You are acting like a child!" Albus stormed, anger radiating from the normally placid blue eyes.
"Am I? Well, I suppose that is an improvement over the insufferable bat that I am usually equated to!" Severus raged, walking towards the door. He turned back to Hermione, who was openly weeping. "And to think I almost committed the cardinal sin of…well, it does not matter any longer. You can take your Gryffindor charity, Miss Granger, and save it for someone who gives a damn!"
He swept out of the room and hurried down to his chambers. Heart burning with sorrow and indignation, humiliation and rage, he knew that sleep would elude him unless he took drastic measures. For a moment, out of sheer habit, he looked for the small creature that had been a part of his life for the past two years. Initially, Speranza had never stayed overnight but, in the last few months, it had been happening every couple of nights. He would lie back in his bed, clad in his somber gray nightshirt and she would curl contentedly on his chest and not move until morning.
And she probably had laughed at him because of his affection for his pet.
He hadn't hurt this much in years. The pain was almost blinding.
Taking out a bottle of Dreamless Sleep potion, he quickly measured out a dose and drank it. He fell onto his bed, still fully clothed, and knew no more…
*************************back at the Headmaster's office**********************
"It's all my fault, Albus. I should never have let things progress this far without telling him. He will never forgive me," Hermione sobbed bitterly, refusing the cup of tea that the old wizard offered her.
"Never is a strong word to use, Hermione. He is certainly angry, but…"
"Angry? If it were only that. He despises me and thinks I have been manipulating him. He doesn't understand that it isn't charity…it hasn't been for quite some time."
Albus sat down next to her and patted her cold hand. "What is it now, Hermione?"
Hermione looked up and tears spilled down her pale cheeks. "It's love. Merlin help me but I love the man, Albus. And now, I fear I have lost him forever."
And she burst into tears again.
A/N: Part three will be coming shortly to be followed by an epilogue.