Disclaimer: Harry Potter… Still not mine.
Thanks again to everyone who reviewed. I don't think I've had this much fun in a long time!
Lady of Arundel: Yep, I think what's in the journal will play a big part in upcoming chapters. I'll need to get back to you as to how… g
Sparks: Just keep reading. 8-)
Otaku freak: Bwah hah hah hah. Very intuitive!
Well, this chapter took a complete left turn from where I intended it to go, but sometimes things like that happen. Hope it doesn't disappoint. Enjoy!
Chapter 4
Sirius sat next to the fireplace, soaking up the heat. He was in the living room with Molly, Arthur and Remus. Harry had been carried upstairs earlier after awakening from a nightmare. Sirius ground his teeth anxiously. He knew the visions were bad, but Sirius had never realized how bad. Not until witnessing it firsthand.
Harry had been asleep for nearly three hours when he started to stir. Sirius could see that it was a dream, and a bad one at that. He'd tried to wake Harry up. At first there was no response. Shaking him more firmly, still mindful of Harry's injuries, Sirius was not prepared for Harry's response.
Harry had nearly leaped off the couch, clearly working to suppress a scream as his eyes stared at something far beyond the confines of the Weasley living room. Tears slid down his cheeks unnoticed. In only a few moments his injuries caught up with him as Harry's normally brilliant green eyes, pupils now dilated, rolled up in his head and he collapsed. His hand was still pressed against his forehead and his face contorted in pain. As unconsciousness claimed him, Sirius saw that Harry's scar looked red and raw, and a few drops of blood were on Harry's palm. The scar, however, still remained sealed.
Sirius suppressed the urge to bang his head against the stones behind him in frustration. How could he help Harry when everything that happened to him seemed beyond Sirius' control? How could he protect Harry from Voldemort when at his most vulnerable, Harry had no choice but to witness Voldemort's unspeakable acts?
"It certainly seems that Madame Pomfrey's fears are justified, if this is any indication," Remus was saying to Arthur and Molly. Sirius found he really admired the Weasleys. They were everything he'd never had or even knew he wanted. Realistically, they weren't much older than he or Remus were, but they seemed so much more… conventional. "You can't have seven children and not appear more mature to me, I guess," Sirius thought wryly. Molly had begged Dumbledore for Harry to stay at the Burrow over the summer shortly after the TriWizard Tournament. She wanted so badly to help, but she couldn't.
Just like he hadn't been able to help when Harry needed him most. He'd seen Harry's lost look that night after Fudge had left. Dumbledore had given him a mission, and he knew it was needed. Things were looking bleak; with Fudge in denial and Voldemort returned to flesh and blood… Harry's blood… desperate times called for desperate measures. Like a convicted felon approaching people only he knew where to find, and convincing them that a.) he didn't kill Peter, and b.) Voldemort really was back. Sirius had hated having to leave Harry. Looking back now, he wished with all his heart that he hadn't. Dumbledore had been wrong. Harry had needed him, and he hadn't been there.
"Sirius, quit banging your head against the fireplace," Remus said with a frown as he continued talking to the Weasleys.
"Oh, oops," Sirius thought as he stopped. So that's why he was beginning to develop a headache. He'd not intended to actually do that. He looked up to see Molly staring at him, a little concern and apprehension in her eyes. Sirius tried to smile reassuringly. "Nothing wrong here. Nothing to see. Move along," he thought to himself.
"Quit smiling, you're scaring your hosts," Remus said, still frowning.
"Oh, shut up, Moony. I'm allowed my eccentricities," Sirius growled irritably.
Madame Pomfrey's news had been bleak. She'd tried to heal as many of Harry's injuries as she could, but some were too old to be properly healed by magic. Harry's physical prognosis from his most recent injuries was excellent. Madame Pomfrey was equally confident Molly could add quite a few pounds to the starved Seeker. However, Madame Pomfrey had come across something far more disturbing as she had examined Harry.
The pain he felt from his scar could possibly be beginning to have a physical effect apart from the obvious. Not all of Harry's physical symptoms spoke of abuse, malnutrition and sleep deprivation. Madame Pomfrey had spoken of it only because of Harry's dulled reflexes and seemingly unnaturally high tolerance to pain. She said it was a 'worst case scenario', according to Remus, and most likely just her being paranoid. Sirius privately wondered where she came across the odd phrases. They sounded ominous to him. She'd told Remus and the Weasleys that there was a possibility the scar might be causing neurological damage. It might even be causing brain damage. Sirius closed his eyes at the thought. He held back the scream that sometimes seemed just on the tip of his lips.
Not unexpectedly, everyone had been horrified. Madame Pomfrey had raised a hand and said that she'd need to perform some more tests in a few days when the healing potions had begun to take effect, and until that time not to worry.
"Too late", he thought. "How many more dreams will Harry have had by then? James, we haven't done right by your son. None of us," Sirius thought sadly, closing his eyes and sighing as he remembered James' face as clearly now as he had twelve years ago. He listened to Remus continue to discuss what Madame Pomfrey had said in the kitchen. Remus was in full professor mode now.
"…talk about it. I think opening up will be Harry's biggest obstacle. He's been raised all his life to believe he's a burden, so he just keeps absorbing his pain into himself, thinking he deserves it," Remus said.
"Yes, that's true. Please let it be something emotional rather than something physical. Nothing permanent," Sirius prayed silently to whatever god currently felt sorry for wrongly convicted escaped convicts.
"I've reached out to him, Remus, but he doesn't even seem to know how to respond," Molly was saying sadly.
"He's most at home with the Ron and the twins, but even they were never told about the Dursleys," Arthur said, his glasses flashing in the firelight as he shook his head. Sirius watched him speculatively. "I knew they were awful people. It doesn't take a genius to realize that if they spoke to Harry like that, of course they would do far worse," he said softly. Sirius recognized that tone. Arthur felt responsible.
"Forget it, Arthur. We all knew the Dursleys were horrible. Lily never could stand Petunia, and I don't think Lily had a mean bone in her body," Sirius said. Molly rested her hand on Arthur's forearm gently, trying to reassure him as well.
"He's here now, and things could have gotten a lot worse. By all accounts, they almost did," Molly said. Remus' face remained expressionless at that statement. It was a good thing she hadn't gone. Harry would need her optimism to recover, so Sirius suspected no one who went to that house to rescue The Boy Who Lived would ever tell her differently.
"A couple more years and Harry will be old enough to leave on his own. The damage is done," Sirius thought bitterly, then squashed his own feelings of helplessness and rage. Sirius glanced up to see Remus studying him silently while Arthur and Molly talked with each other softly. Remus stood up wearily, his tall frame so thin that he reminded Sirius, not for the first time, of an impoverished aristrocrat. "Off with their head," the random thought flashed through Sirius' consciousness, and he had to suppress the urge to start hitting his head once again on the fireplace.
"It's never a good idea to leave you alone with your thoughts," Remus observed as he adjusted his robes to sit next to Sirius. He folded up on himself and looked at his friend intently.
"I keep myself company quite nicely," Sirius retorted. Remus raised an eyebrow wryly. He didn't appreciate the humor.
"I see you over here beating yourself up," Remus said quietly, then sighed and tilted his head back, resting it against the fireplace, closing his eyes as he continued to speak. "I don't think I've ever met anyone with worse luck than Harry," he said pensively.
"I have," Sirius replied. Remus turned to Sirius sharply.
"Stop it. There's enough to feel bad about without adding imaginary things onto it. James and Lily had a magical relationship. They found true love, something I still hope someday to have. James wreaked havoc as a Marauder, and then met a beautiful woman, married her, and had a terrific child with her. Things went bad… I can't imagine anything more awful than that night at Godric Hollow… but their pain has ended, Sirius. It's Harry we've got to concentrate on. It's about time he had the kind of life he always should have had," Remus said firmly. Sirius resented the reprimand, but couldn't fault Remus' points.
"Stop it, Moony. Sometimes I need to wallow," Sirius replied after a few moments.
"That's the last thing you need. You've had twelve years of nothing but the worst life has to offer. But you're free now. You escaped. You did it, Sirius. You're sane… well, for the most part…"
"Hah hah," Sirius replied.
"The one person you absolutely expected to hate you, doesn't. Harry loves you. He believes you, Sirius, and he believes in you," Remus said, then paused, sighing deeply. "But he's in a bad place. He's been abused for years, and the things he's experienced… He's just too damn young."
"Moony, I know what would help him, I just can't give it to him," Sirius said.
"What?" Remus asked curiously.
"Peace. Sleep. These dreams aren't allowing Harry to move past what happened last year. He's stuck in his own memories as well as receiving horrific new ones every night. Get rid of the visions, and he'll at least be able to put some distance between Voldemort and himself," Sirius said. "I'll bet that once the visions stop, or at least decrease in frequency, Harry will stop showing the symptoms that frightened Madame Pomfrey so much. I mean, who needs Dementors when you're a fly on the wall in Voldemort's living room?"
Remus was silent, and Sirius realized Molly and Arthur were now listening as well. Molly nodded, and Sirius paused at the expression on her face. She stood up, excusing herself for a moment, while Arthur frowned, watching her go.
"Molly?" he asked curiously.
"Well, he's spot on, Arthur. We need to find a way to protect Harry from those dreams. I think I'll send an owl to Dumbledore about this right now, while I'm sure he's reading Harry's journal," she said firmly.
Sirius smiled as he continued to listen to Remus and Arthur discuss their continued efforts against Voldemort, and what might help Harry. Remus looked at him curiously, and perhaps with a little nervousness as well. Sirius just smiled bigger, then dramatically yawned and stood up. He knew tonight there was nothing he could do to make Harry sleep better, but there was something he could do to make himself feel better.
"I think it's time for bed. Good night," Sirius said and left the living room, feeling Remus' gaze burning into his back. "You're too suspicious, you old wolf," Sirius thought, and decided to give Remus a little sleeping charm once he went to bed, to insure he didn't hear Sirius stir in the middle of the night.
He didn't want any confrontations for what he intended to due. He'd been far too concerned with Harry at the time, but his rage at the Dursleys had not abated. He knew he couldn't hurt them. To do so would finally give the Ministry something real to send him to Azkaban over. Harry would never forgive him either. But what he intended would certainly suffice for the interim. Soon it would be time to pay the Dursleys a little visit…
Thanks again to everyone who reviewed. I don't think I've had this much fun in a long time!
Lady of Arundel: Yep, I think what's in the journal will play a big part in upcoming chapters. I'll need to get back to you as to how… g
Sparks: Just keep reading. 8-)
Otaku freak: Bwah hah hah hah. Very intuitive!
Well, this chapter took a complete left turn from where I intended it to go, but sometimes things like that happen. Hope it doesn't disappoint. Enjoy!
Chapter 4
Sirius sat next to the fireplace, soaking up the heat. He was in the living room with Molly, Arthur and Remus. Harry had been carried upstairs earlier after awakening from a nightmare. Sirius ground his teeth anxiously. He knew the visions were bad, but Sirius had never realized how bad. Not until witnessing it firsthand.
Harry had been asleep for nearly three hours when he started to stir. Sirius could see that it was a dream, and a bad one at that. He'd tried to wake Harry up. At first there was no response. Shaking him more firmly, still mindful of Harry's injuries, Sirius was not prepared for Harry's response.
Harry had nearly leaped off the couch, clearly working to suppress a scream as his eyes stared at something far beyond the confines of the Weasley living room. Tears slid down his cheeks unnoticed. In only a few moments his injuries caught up with him as Harry's normally brilliant green eyes, pupils now dilated, rolled up in his head and he collapsed. His hand was still pressed against his forehead and his face contorted in pain. As unconsciousness claimed him, Sirius saw that Harry's scar looked red and raw, and a few drops of blood were on Harry's palm. The scar, however, still remained sealed.
Sirius suppressed the urge to bang his head against the stones behind him in frustration. How could he help Harry when everything that happened to him seemed beyond Sirius' control? How could he protect Harry from Voldemort when at his most vulnerable, Harry had no choice but to witness Voldemort's unspeakable acts?
"It certainly seems that Madame Pomfrey's fears are justified, if this is any indication," Remus was saying to Arthur and Molly. Sirius found he really admired the Weasleys. They were everything he'd never had or even knew he wanted. Realistically, they weren't much older than he or Remus were, but they seemed so much more… conventional. "You can't have seven children and not appear more mature to me, I guess," Sirius thought wryly. Molly had begged Dumbledore for Harry to stay at the Burrow over the summer shortly after the TriWizard Tournament. She wanted so badly to help, but she couldn't.
Just like he hadn't been able to help when Harry needed him most. He'd seen Harry's lost look that night after Fudge had left. Dumbledore had given him a mission, and he knew it was needed. Things were looking bleak; with Fudge in denial and Voldemort returned to flesh and blood… Harry's blood… desperate times called for desperate measures. Like a convicted felon approaching people only he knew where to find, and convincing them that a.) he didn't kill Peter, and b.) Voldemort really was back. Sirius had hated having to leave Harry. Looking back now, he wished with all his heart that he hadn't. Dumbledore had been wrong. Harry had needed him, and he hadn't been there.
"Sirius, quit banging your head against the fireplace," Remus said with a frown as he continued talking to the Weasleys.
"Oh, oops," Sirius thought as he stopped. So that's why he was beginning to develop a headache. He'd not intended to actually do that. He looked up to see Molly staring at him, a little concern and apprehension in her eyes. Sirius tried to smile reassuringly. "Nothing wrong here. Nothing to see. Move along," he thought to himself.
"Quit smiling, you're scaring your hosts," Remus said, still frowning.
"Oh, shut up, Moony. I'm allowed my eccentricities," Sirius growled irritably.
Madame Pomfrey's news had been bleak. She'd tried to heal as many of Harry's injuries as she could, but some were too old to be properly healed by magic. Harry's physical prognosis from his most recent injuries was excellent. Madame Pomfrey was equally confident Molly could add quite a few pounds to the starved Seeker. However, Madame Pomfrey had come across something far more disturbing as she had examined Harry.
The pain he felt from his scar could possibly be beginning to have a physical effect apart from the obvious. Not all of Harry's physical symptoms spoke of abuse, malnutrition and sleep deprivation. Madame Pomfrey had spoken of it only because of Harry's dulled reflexes and seemingly unnaturally high tolerance to pain. She said it was a 'worst case scenario', according to Remus, and most likely just her being paranoid. Sirius privately wondered where she came across the odd phrases. They sounded ominous to him. She'd told Remus and the Weasleys that there was a possibility the scar might be causing neurological damage. It might even be causing brain damage. Sirius closed his eyes at the thought. He held back the scream that sometimes seemed just on the tip of his lips.
Not unexpectedly, everyone had been horrified. Madame Pomfrey had raised a hand and said that she'd need to perform some more tests in a few days when the healing potions had begun to take effect, and until that time not to worry.
"Too late", he thought. "How many more dreams will Harry have had by then? James, we haven't done right by your son. None of us," Sirius thought sadly, closing his eyes and sighing as he remembered James' face as clearly now as he had twelve years ago. He listened to Remus continue to discuss what Madame Pomfrey had said in the kitchen. Remus was in full professor mode now.
"…talk about it. I think opening up will be Harry's biggest obstacle. He's been raised all his life to believe he's a burden, so he just keeps absorbing his pain into himself, thinking he deserves it," Remus said.
"Yes, that's true. Please let it be something emotional rather than something physical. Nothing permanent," Sirius prayed silently to whatever god currently felt sorry for wrongly convicted escaped convicts.
"I've reached out to him, Remus, but he doesn't even seem to know how to respond," Molly was saying sadly.
"He's most at home with the Ron and the twins, but even they were never told about the Dursleys," Arthur said, his glasses flashing in the firelight as he shook his head. Sirius watched him speculatively. "I knew they were awful people. It doesn't take a genius to realize that if they spoke to Harry like that, of course they would do far worse," he said softly. Sirius recognized that tone. Arthur felt responsible.
"Forget it, Arthur. We all knew the Dursleys were horrible. Lily never could stand Petunia, and I don't think Lily had a mean bone in her body," Sirius said. Molly rested her hand on Arthur's forearm gently, trying to reassure him as well.
"He's here now, and things could have gotten a lot worse. By all accounts, they almost did," Molly said. Remus' face remained expressionless at that statement. It was a good thing she hadn't gone. Harry would need her optimism to recover, so Sirius suspected no one who went to that house to rescue The Boy Who Lived would ever tell her differently.
"A couple more years and Harry will be old enough to leave on his own. The damage is done," Sirius thought bitterly, then squashed his own feelings of helplessness and rage. Sirius glanced up to see Remus studying him silently while Arthur and Molly talked with each other softly. Remus stood up wearily, his tall frame so thin that he reminded Sirius, not for the first time, of an impoverished aristrocrat. "Off with their head," the random thought flashed through Sirius' consciousness, and he had to suppress the urge to start hitting his head once again on the fireplace.
"It's never a good idea to leave you alone with your thoughts," Remus observed as he adjusted his robes to sit next to Sirius. He folded up on himself and looked at his friend intently.
"I keep myself company quite nicely," Sirius retorted. Remus raised an eyebrow wryly. He didn't appreciate the humor.
"I see you over here beating yourself up," Remus said quietly, then sighed and tilted his head back, resting it against the fireplace, closing his eyes as he continued to speak. "I don't think I've ever met anyone with worse luck than Harry," he said pensively.
"I have," Sirius replied. Remus turned to Sirius sharply.
"Stop it. There's enough to feel bad about without adding imaginary things onto it. James and Lily had a magical relationship. They found true love, something I still hope someday to have. James wreaked havoc as a Marauder, and then met a beautiful woman, married her, and had a terrific child with her. Things went bad… I can't imagine anything more awful than that night at Godric Hollow… but their pain has ended, Sirius. It's Harry we've got to concentrate on. It's about time he had the kind of life he always should have had," Remus said firmly. Sirius resented the reprimand, but couldn't fault Remus' points.
"Stop it, Moony. Sometimes I need to wallow," Sirius replied after a few moments.
"That's the last thing you need. You've had twelve years of nothing but the worst life has to offer. But you're free now. You escaped. You did it, Sirius. You're sane… well, for the most part…"
"Hah hah," Sirius replied.
"The one person you absolutely expected to hate you, doesn't. Harry loves you. He believes you, Sirius, and he believes in you," Remus said, then paused, sighing deeply. "But he's in a bad place. He's been abused for years, and the things he's experienced… He's just too damn young."
"Moony, I know what would help him, I just can't give it to him," Sirius said.
"What?" Remus asked curiously.
"Peace. Sleep. These dreams aren't allowing Harry to move past what happened last year. He's stuck in his own memories as well as receiving horrific new ones every night. Get rid of the visions, and he'll at least be able to put some distance between Voldemort and himself," Sirius said. "I'll bet that once the visions stop, or at least decrease in frequency, Harry will stop showing the symptoms that frightened Madame Pomfrey so much. I mean, who needs Dementors when you're a fly on the wall in Voldemort's living room?"
Remus was silent, and Sirius realized Molly and Arthur were now listening as well. Molly nodded, and Sirius paused at the expression on her face. She stood up, excusing herself for a moment, while Arthur frowned, watching her go.
"Molly?" he asked curiously.
"Well, he's spot on, Arthur. We need to find a way to protect Harry from those dreams. I think I'll send an owl to Dumbledore about this right now, while I'm sure he's reading Harry's journal," she said firmly.
Sirius smiled as he continued to listen to Remus and Arthur discuss their continued efforts against Voldemort, and what might help Harry. Remus looked at him curiously, and perhaps with a little nervousness as well. Sirius just smiled bigger, then dramatically yawned and stood up. He knew tonight there was nothing he could do to make Harry sleep better, but there was something he could do to make himself feel better.
"I think it's time for bed. Good night," Sirius said and left the living room, feeling Remus' gaze burning into his back. "You're too suspicious, you old wolf," Sirius thought, and decided to give Remus a little sleeping charm once he went to bed, to insure he didn't hear Sirius stir in the middle of the night.
He didn't want any confrontations for what he intended to due. He'd been far too concerned with Harry at the time, but his rage at the Dursleys had not abated. He knew he couldn't hurt them. To do so would finally give the Ministry something real to send him to Azkaban over. Harry would never forgive him either. But what he intended would certainly suffice for the interim. Soon it would be time to pay the Dursleys a little visit…