CHAPTER 7: Andy's Lecture


"This is not a test."
Andy's deep voice silenced any remaining chattering between the assembled Tiny Toons, who were now sitting quietly in the classroom as Andy stood at the front and addressed them. Bugs, Daffy, Porky, Sylvester, and several other Looney Tunes stood off to the side, apparently lost in contemplation of something the Tiny Toons were not aware of. "Contrary to what you may have heard," Andy added, "nothing here will affect your graduation."
Among the gathered rabbits, rodents, fowl, and feline were three human toons, sitting attentively with the rest of their class. Andy singled them out. "Montana, Elmyra, Mary--would you three please go with Bugs?"
The named toons looked about in confusion, exchanging apprehensive glances with each other and the rest of the class.
"Don't worry, kids," Bugs said, gesturing for them to stand up. "You ain't in any trouble. Just come with me. It's all part of the schedule."
After Bugs and the trio had left, Andy shut the door and addressed the remaining toons, his voice carrying on odd tinge of nostalgia.
"You Tiny Toons are a wonderful and new presence to the world of animal toons. You are the next generation of Looney Tunes, sharing all of the wonderful traits of the old masters."
Andy gestured to the Looney Tunes present as he spoke. Sylvester nudged Porky and mumbled, "Did he just call us 'old'?" Both toons snickered briefly.
"You are also all animals," Andy continued, "and it is that fact that has brought us together today. Montana, Elmyra, and Mary--they are all wonderful toons, but what I have to say today is not for them. This afternoon is for you toons alone."
Buster cautiously raised his hand and spoke up, "So what did you do with them?"
Andy leaned against the front of the desk. "Study hall," he answered, not wanting to tell the Tiny Toons that they had been given the afternoon off. At that moment the classroom door opened as Bugs returned alone.
"Before you can pass on from the Looniversity and its halls of learning," Andy continued, "one final piece of knowledge needs to be passed on. Now, you all are certainly loony, loveable nuts, and worthy of your Looney Tunes heritage, but there is also another side to you--the animal side. Now you may not think being a toon animal is anything special. You may not even give your species a second thought during your daily life, but you should be aware of it, as it can help and guide you when you least expect it."
A few of the tiny toons began nudging each other and snickering.
"Who's he callin' an animal?"
"You, long-ears!"
"Grrrowl!"
"RRrrrRRoowl!"
"Like, Quiet, you guys!"
Andy smiled and waited for the joking and small explosion of guttural animal noises to die down. He was glad the toons were in such lively spirits. "my point exactly," he said, nodding to Calamity and Furrball, who were bearing their teeth at each other menacingly and growling in mock anger. "There is nothing wrong with being who you are, and more importantly, what you are." Calamity and Furrball gave a final, satisfied growl to each other before returning to their normal, innocent selves.
Andy paused and took a sip of water from a glass. He was hiding his nervousness well. Shifting his weight against the desk, he continued his speech. "Now, there is an item of toon animal heritage that many of you may not be aware of. It is the relationship between a cartoon animal and the species of Earth animal that he or she is based upon. The strength of this relationship can vary from toon to toon, from the miniscule amount in many Disney toons, to the unbreakably strong ones found in natural animal toons. No matter what it's strength, it exists in all animal toons, and all of you."
"The relationship to your animal spirit is called 'Nel-shada' in the old animal tongue. Em... has anyone here taken Animal Dialect or Toon Language class?"
Two hands went up: Shirley's and Sneezer's. The fox nodded to Shirley. "Like, I took two semesters of Toon Language Studies," she explained. "Doesn't 'Nel-shada' mean, like... 'animal friendship', er some junk?"
"Close," Andy said, approvingly. Sneezer's hand went back up.
Andy nodded to the tiny mouse. "Yes. Sneezer?"
"Oh, Mr. Fox, sir, doesn't it mean 'beast kinship'? Uh huh, uh huh, yep. That's what it means."
"Very good," Andy smiled, impressed with the little scholar. "Precisely translated it means 'beast kinship'. It refers to how much of your unconscious and conscious thoughts and actions are influenced by your animal- ness. In other words, it is how 'animal-like' you are. We scientists call it 'animal acuity index', but no matter what you choose to call it, it is with great admiration that I can tell you all that yours are all quite strong indeed. This afternoon you will all take part in a very simple, standard excercise that is used to measure this trait in you. This excersise is given to thousands of toons a year, so don't feel you've been singled out. The goal is to simply to let you experience and appreciate your animal heritage, and maybe learn a little about your species as well."
"So it is a test," Plucky moaned, his head smacking down on his desk in defeat.
"This is an informative session, Plucky," Andy said, drilling the mallard with a hard gaze. "You will only learn as much as you want." Andy's voice grew somewhat stern. "I want you all to keep in mind one thing this afternoon: we are not here to tell you what to think or how to feel about yourselves. All we want to do is give you the opportunity to understand more about yourselves and the animals you are. It will be up to each of you to decide how to use what you learn."
Andy took out a small piece of paper, his voice returning to a more relaxed and friendly tone. "Now, before we head over to the gym for the main session, I would like to read you all something." The toons stared intently up at Andy as he spoke, reading from the paper:

"Beneath this modern world of the anvil, dynamite, cream pies and
wild takes, lies a much older and simpler world. Here in the middle of
Hollywood and show business, of cars and desks and time clocks, the
more ancient ways can become clouded, lost, and forgotten. But they
are still around us, from the ants on the sidewalk carrying away the
crumbs from your lunch, to the pigeons at the city park. Behind the
anvil there is the paw. Under the jokes and puns is the growl. The
foundation of one is the pinnacle of the other. The old animal ways
are still there, calling, if you only take the time to listen."

The tiny toons sat in quiet awe as the words from the past echoed in their thoughts. "That was written over fifty years ago by a very wise and aged toon who used to live near me," Andy explained. "She wanted us to remember that there is more to being a toon than what Hollywood may tell you." He folded the paper and returned it to his fur.
"Shall we begin?" he asked, quietly. The silent attentiveness of the Tiny Toons indicated that they were.

"Okay, then," Andy said, clapping his paws together and rubbing them eagerly. Suddenly all the toons found themselves standing in the Looniversity gymnasium. The Tiny Toons glanced about in surprise at the abrupt change of scenery, but remained silent and attentive.
The gym was dimly lit, except for the center of the floor, where the lights shown down on over a dozen small cubical-like chambers that had been assembled. Each chamber was about 7 feet by 9 feet, and totally enclosed except for a door in one wall. On each door was written the name of a particular Tiny Toon.
As the class looked about, they were surprised to see that they had been joined by the all the rest of their Looney Tunes mentors, who had apparently been waiting in the gym for them.
"Everybody still with me?" Andy joked, getting everyone's attention. "Okay. In a minute you will all meet with your mentors for a few minutes. Then you will each go into one of these cubicles behind me for the actual, em... lesson. There is one cubicle for each of you, Each one contains two natural toon animals of whatever species you happen to be. They are wild animals, and should be respected as such. They can frighten easily or bite, but they aren't dangerous, and you should not be frightened of them. In fact, I want you to interact with them. Try and think about the similarities between you and the toon animals you will be with. Try and imagine what they might be thinking, or what they might be trying to tell you."
"And then what?" Plucky asked, apprehensively.
"Then nothing, Plucky," Andy answered. "That's it."
"So I just have to sit and play with a couple of ducks? Ha! Easy." Plucky puffed himself up importantly as he boasted. "Didn't you see me in 'Call of The Wild'? One of my better performances I think. Why don't ya think up somethin' harder next time, Prof."
Andy scowled at Plucky. "I never said it wasn't easy, Plucky. This isn't a history final or a science test, but I guarantee to each and every one of you that when you leave this gym later, you will have learned a great deal, though you may not realize it right away."
"Okay," Andy finished, motioning to the Looney Tunes. "Go find your mentors and we'll get started."
The Tiny Toons broke off and paired up with their mentors, who began explaining some of the details of their related species to them.
"Maybe you kids'll learn that havin' big rabbit feet ain't so bad."
"Ju-a-j-j-just remember, Hamton, pigs are noble, but, ste-st-st-stubborn at times too. Just be careful."
"Like, just don't try getting all cosmic in there, Shirl. Wild loons don't care about being aligned with your karmic center. They care about the now, and what you do."
As the toons dispersed Andy saw Calamity Coyote standing alone, nervously searching for his absent mentor. Andy signed and went over to him.
"Hey, Calamity," Andy said, squatting down to face the small pupil. "Look-- I'm sorry Wile E. couldn't be here for you today. I saw him just this morning, though, and I know he wanted to be here for you, but a matter came up that required his attention." He patted Calamity's head gently. "You don't have to go though this without him if you don't want to. I'll understand, but um..." Andy began to smile mischievously, "I do know someone who would like very much to stand in for Wile E. and help you out, if you want to go ahead."
Calamity held up a sign. "Who?"
Andy turned and nodded to a figure standing in the shadows. Calamity's jaw went slack and his eyes grew to resemble giant saucers. A tall, stately toon wolf stepped forward into the light. He was covered in bushy gray fur with a pink bulb of a nose adorning a massive muzzle. The wolf towered over the small coyote and smiled warmly down at him, his eyes full of kindness.
Calamity's tail began to wag excitedly. "Thomas!!!" he exclaimed, hastily pulling out a sign loaded with exclamation points.
"Greetings and salutations my little adoptive prot‚g‚," said the wolf in his elegant, drawn-out dialect. "Thomas T. Wolf, always happy to be of service."
Calamity dropped his sign and ran up to Thomas. He hugged the tall gray wolf with pleasure. Thomas smiled at Andy. "Affectionate little rascal, isn't he?" Calamity released Thomas and smiled up at him. Thomas patted him warmly and shook his paw. "Am I to comprehend that you are in positive disposition with our arrangement of professorship?"
Calamity nodded eagerly and held up a sign. "You perceive correct, sir."
Andy left the two toons as Thomas joined the rest of the Looney Tunes in their words of comfort and advice to the tiny toons regarding the events about to take place.
Minutes later, each Tiny Toon was escorted to their assigned cubicle and shown inside. One by one the doors were shut, isolating each toon into their own tiny classroom.
"You, em, know what to do?" Andy asked to two toon foxes who had been standing off to the side.
"Of course," one of them scoffed. "One real animal from the wild, the other, a mental projection of the toon's inner self. We've done it a million times before, but what about the psychic?"
Andy waved a paw dismissively. "I've been blocking her from using her abilities since the lecture. She shouldn't be a problem. You sure you two can evaluate this many at once?"
"Don't worry," the other added, a vixen. "You'll have all of the results by the end of their session."
"Okay, then," Andy nodded.
"Ah... good luck," the vixen offered.
"Yeah," Andy said, shakily. "Thanks."
And so, unnoticed by the rest of the tiny toons, one more toon stepped inside the cubicles with them. He shut the door behind him, sat down, rested his chin on his hands, and waited.

"One from the wild, one from the mind.
Truth and self shall be revealed in kind."