CHAPTER 11: Called Away To The Woods


The yellow rays of the evening sun cast elongated, distorted shadows across the grass as Andy and Slappy were again relaxing on the back patio. The gentle tune of Jimmy Buffet's "Island" drifted, barely audible, from a small radio within the house. Fluffy lay napping peacefully on a corner of the deck, his long ears flat and relaxed against his head. Beneath his saddle, his body gently rose and fell from his silent breathing.
Andy sat back and gazed up into the indigo sky while Slappy was busy examining a large brown envelope that had been delivered earlier.
"Took those sanna-frazzin' courts long enough," Slappy grumbled as she sliced the envelope open with a letter opener. Andy gave a sound of agreement.
Slappy unceremoniously shook the contents of the envelope out onto the patio table. Amidst the collection of papers and documents that tumbled out, the shimmering of a gold seal stamp on one of them caught the corner of Andy's eye. He turned and eyed the pile on the table, then Slappy.
"Oooo," Slappy commented cynically, holding up the paper in question, "it's official." In her hand was an elaborately decorated toon marriage certificate.
"I guess so," Andy agreed. "All nice and legal now."
"Eeeesh," Slappy commented, passing the certificate to Andy. "Formality is all it is. Personally it don't make any difference to me. I don't need to have some piece of paper or stand around a court house for two hours to pledge my life to some mangy old fox. Heh ha."
Andy looked at Slappy pitifully. "Mangy old fox?"
"Yeah, mangy." Slappy stood up and walked over to Andy's chair, hopped up the back of it and wrapped her arms around Andy's neck. "Mangy, scraggly, snobby... and all mine." She pecked Andy on his cheek and hopped down.
"Hey, not so fast, you," Andy barked, reaching out a paw and grabbing Slappy's tail before she could get away. He swiftly lifted her off the deck by it and set her down on his lap.
"Hey, hey!" she yelled. "That's my tail! Just what do you think..." Slappy's words were cut off as Andy gave her a passionate kiss and hugged her small body to his. After a moment or two her hands began to grope around to find the fox's middle to hug him back.
"You're a very cranky wife," Andy chided after releasing Slappy.
"Eh, you knew what you were gettin'," Slappy accused. She reached up and ruffled Andy's head fur before leaping down and returning to her chair. This time her tail wasn't pursued by a brown paw.
"Some of our friends did get annoyed though that we didn't have a full- blown wedding ceremony, you know," Andy mused. "A lot of them would have liked to have attended it."
"Humph," Slappy commented. "More work. and any of my friends would know that I don't do that lovey, mushy, 'walkin' down the isle' stuff. We were wed by natural toon tradition. And besides, we're both animals. Why confuse our love with a bunch of human hooey?"
"Human influence," Andy sighed, "it's pretty strong around here. Maybe we should move to some nice secluded wood somewhere where toon animals are natural and... less humanized."
"What?" Slappy barked. "And leave my Acme Explosive catalogs and city ammunitions dump? And air-conditioning? And my Nut Of The Month club?"
Andy snickered quietly. "Just checking."
"Eh, speaking of animals, how'd your lecture go today?"
"Mmmm," Andy muttered, half-clearing his throat.
"That good, eh?" Slappy asked, picking up her book and paging to where she had left off from it.
"Well, let's just say that hypocrisy doesn't suit me," Andy said tiredly.
Slappy put down her book and looked squarely at Andy. "You're thinking about it, aren't you--that animal do-hickey ritual thing?"
Andy turned slowly to look at Slappy. The squirrel grumbled in her own unique way and tapped her fingers on the table. "That's what's been eatin' you lately."
Andy's shoulders sagged tiredly. "Have you ever felt out of place--like you're missing out on something?"
"Not really," Slappy said flatly.
Andy sighed, resting his chin on his hand, feeling somewhat brushed-off by Slappy's apparent coldness.
"But then again," came Slappy's soft voice, "Your not quite like me. My family has a strong natural squirrel heritage vein in it. You... I mean your family... well... your ah..." Slappy's sentence finished in a mumble as the fox turned to look at her with lost and searching eyes.

As they sat, a large dark form emerged from the border of the woods and made its way silently and unseen across the lawn to the patio.
"Excuse me, Andy?" came a low, calm voice.
The unexpected sound jolted the fox out of his thoughts so abruptly he shot several feet up and out of his chair, crashing back down on the deck a second later, dazed and frizzled. He and Slappy turned with a start. Standing on the deck behind them was a giant, wild raccoon. It's massive body sat hunched on four giant, clawed paws as it looked levelly at Andy and Slappy. In the dimming evening light, the pitch black of its paws and face mask contrasted with the lighter brown of its body fur. The animal's white eyebrows and chin seemed to glow eerily with a light of their own, and its yellow eyes flashed brightly, but kindly, at the two toons.
The animal spoke elegantly and earnestly. "Hello, Sir. Em... sorry for startling you. Wasn't my intention." It nodded to Slappy and raised a huge black paw to her in greetings. "Mrs. Squirrel."
Slappy cocked a thumb at the heap of red fur on the deck. "Nerves."
Andy's ungraceful decent onto the deck caused Fluffy's ears to twitch. His head rose up as he awoke from his nap. The raccoon was almost the same size as him. Fluffy's eyes grew wide at seeing the large animal.
"I, ah... em... cripes!" In one swift move the rabbit sprung to his feet and darted inside the house to safety from the unfamiliar and apparently menacing animal. The raccoon watched after the rabbit with oddly caring eyes, and smiled.
Andy picked himself up and brushed his fur out. "What is it, Sasha?" he asked casually, eyeing the raccoon and almost looking interested in her presence.
"Lady Amber has requested your presence," the raccoon answered.
Andy frowned slightly. "Now?"
"Yes--if you can, that-is." Sasha waved a paw fitfully. "Your services are desired, as arbiter."
"Oh, brother," Slappy chuckled quietly. Andy flashed Slappy a tired and apologetic look. She immediately turned and stifled herself. Momentarily she turned back with a straight face. "Guess you'd better go," she shrugged.
"You mean... I'm being dismissed?" Andy asked, meekly.
"Yep," came a curt reply.
Andy's face drooped slightly in mock sadness. "But it's our honeymoon," he whined.
Slappy feigned annoyance. "Go 'way," She said crossly, waving him off. Her eyes, however, clearly told him that she regretted but understood his leaving.

Lady Amber was a well-respected ferret whom Andy had meet many years earlier. She resided in a section of woods owned by one of Andy's neighbors, an old and disgruntled Groundhog who use to do commercials for Acme during the 40's. It was an older portion of forest, and had centuries of toon animal history and culture woven into it. A well-established society of critters resided there, and was home to many wise animals.
Andy had first been introduced to the animals of the Southern California Woodland Animal Band back in the 1950's when he had bought his land from them. Natural animal toons have little use for money or power, valuing respect and honesty much more highly. Prior to the sale, Andy had been escorted to the ruling family at the time, a self-assured but kind and well-groomed family of ferrets. After a pleasant introduction and a complimentary dinner, he was awarded the deed to 20 acres of land at a ridiculously reduced price, plus free access to all of the surrounding territory, with the condition that he would respect the land, and offer his services as a fellow animal as an official arbitrator and just general problem solver to the animals when needed. Apparently his reputation in the cartoon industry had preceded him. Of course, his ability to speak and understand the various animal languages and dialects didn't hurt either.
Andy had graciously accepted the offer, and over the passage of time, obliged the animals to the best of his abilities. After all, he and his neighbors may have owned the land, but the animal band was there first, and all of Andy's neighbors were fellow animals who respected the rights of the animal society present.
Now Lady Amber, a descendent of the original family, ruled the forest And, after fifty years, the land had remained unchanged and unaffected by the urban sprawl of L.A., And it always would, kept preserved by the loyal toon animals who owned the land.

"I apologize for unsettling you earlier," Sasha offered as the two walked side-by-side through the woods, the unusually large raccoon padding along on all fours while Andy strolled next to her.
"Oh, don't worry about it," the fox replied. "Sorry if I seemed a bit curt towards you. I've been preoccupied lately... It's good to see you again."
"No problem," Sasha said earnestly.
"You know you don't have to do this," Andy said, patting Sasha's side. "I think I can remember the way."
"You know very well Lady Amber will not have any of her guests come without an escort," Sasha chided, as if reading words from an invisible rule book.
"Pity," Andy sighed. "And I thought you did it because you liked me."
"Well," Sasha faltered slightly. "Lady Amber needed someone to summon you."
"And you just happened to be around."
The raccoon turned and eyed the fox innocently. "I'm always around."
The two continued on through the woods, the growth becoming more dense, birch and ash trees giving way to oak and pine. Amidst the foliage, the sounds of countless natural toon animals could be heard. Andy glanced about to see squirrels, voles, chipmunks, beetles, toads, and tree lizards, all creatures busy with the tasks of their daily lives. A pair of cardinals circled high above, their contrasting red feathers flashing in and out of the trees.
The world of toon comedy and slapstick had definitely been left behind. Here, it was the world of the natural, wild toon animals--a world that was toony in its own special way, and followed its own natural laws and rules of life and death. Here, and for all natural toon animals everywhere, a fall from a tall tree can be fatal, and a hungry fox is a real danger to a rabbit.
Aside from Sasha and a few other animals who dealt with the "outside world", English was unknown here, and the air teemed and buzzed with the dozens of languages belonging to the various species of animals around them. Andy was familiar with all of them, along with a special shared language used by many of the more social toon animals, referred to simply as Common Wild. It is a relatively complex language, varied and diverse enough to allow hundreds of species to use it to share their unique thoughts and feelings with each other. It was the language that would be used that night for the arbitration.
The woods parted as Sasha and Andy came out upon the wide bank of a river that ran through the forest. Where the river twisted through it, the forest roof gave way to the deepening blue of evening sky, accented majestically by the glow of a rising moon. The tips of the trees still glowed with the golden light of the setting sun, casting an orange light over the land. It gave the whole area a feeling of warmth, seclusion, and old familiarity to Andy, stirring old memories of times long ago.
The ground along the river was covered with a soft carpet of loam and last year's leaves. Sasha padded quietly along it next to Andy.
"Well, there they are," she said, waving a paw. A cry of welcome sounded ahead of them as a small collection of creatures awaited them near a large tree stump. It was Lady Amber and her party.