*SPECIAL CHRISTMAS CHAPPY MEANT TO GET YOU ALL INTO THE HOLIDAY SEASON AND
BECOME MADLY INFATUATED WITH THAT TINY CHARLIE-BROWN CHRISTMAS TREE*
DISCLAIMER: I own Fruits Basket in NO WAY. But I DO own a Christmas tree, which has inspired me to write this chapter of...THE FAST AND THE FLUBBERY!!! Okay, let's begin. And, remember, Christmas trees are your friends!
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
An amount of time passed. I never clarified what time of the year it was in previous chapters, but NOW I say it was winter. So..THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT HAS COME TO THE SOHMA FAMILY!!! Everybody is busy busy busy with the coming holiday, especially Hatori, who has to manage ALL the family finances since Akito-san is still an itty-bitty shrimp who can barely talk! Okay, he can talk, but he's still too young to do the bills! So Hatori is quite busyful.
Saying a few naughty-naughty Mr. Seaponeh words, he scribbled out a note he had written on a sheet of blank paper. "Well, that's expensive." I don't see WHY he said that though. After all, it doesn't matter how expensive ANYTHING is if you're a SOHMA..Hn. Stupid spoiled rich family who are probably stinky Republicans. Wait, they're Japanese. Never mind. ANYWAYS..
As Hatori erased the memory from the paper that it ever had words on it so he didn't have to waste any more of his precious pink eraser, Momiji burst through the door. "HATORI SOHMA!" he squealed loudly, "I'VE CAUGHT YOU RED- HANDED!"
Hatori quickly erased the memory from Momiji that he had ever walked in on him while he had tomato juice for some reason drenched all over his hands. "Uh...what were you saying Momiji?" he asked.
Momiji pointed his quivering finger at the Seapony-Man. "I KNOW YOU POOPED THAT POOP HATORI! IT HAD TO BE YOU!"
"Why me?" Hatori asked, lifting his unseen eyebrow.
"BECAUSE YOU TRANSFORM INTO A SEAHORSE!" replied Momiji squealishly, as if that made any sense whatsoever.
"Well I didn't. I'm too busy to have time for your silly games now, Momiji, so please leave."
That answer wasn't good enough for lil old bunneh boy. So lil old bunneh boy decided to change the subject. Even though that really doesn't help lil old bunneh boy's mystery-solving at all and it just drags out this already-pointless story.
Momiji began his sentence. "So, Ha'ri, Christmas is coming up and.."
"No." Hatori immediately responded. "I know what you're about to say. You want to dress me up in a Santa Claus suit." He considered it. "I don't like the idea," he added flatly.
Momiji giggled squealingly. "I wasn't gonna say that, but that's a great idea! Okay, Hatori, you're Santa Claus!" And with that remark, he zoomed it to Christmas Eve somehow and put Hatori in a Santa suit, made especially for him by the great Ayame.
"Hmmm..." Ayame hmmmed. "Perhaps I should add some more frills and lace, na?"
So he did.
And Hatori was a very frilly and lacey Santa Claus. With a scepter. Cuz Santa with a kick-ass scepter would be cool. And make him a member of the CIA. So now we have our Secret Agent Seahorse Santa! (or just SASS for short)
"Wow, Hatori, you look SASSy!" Momiji squealed pun-ishly.
"What..how did I end up in this.." Hatori wondered as he examined his ridiculous outfit. BUT..little did the world know...Hatori ENJOYED being a Secret Agent Seahorse Santa! It suited him! But of course he would NEVER tell anyone that.
"Now I think we need reindeer," squealed Momiji. So he ran off to find the real Santa, put him in a bag, give him to Jack Skellington, and steal his reindeer fiendishly.
Soon enough the entire reindeer crew was at the Sohma estate! Whee! And then Akito appeared out of nowhere.
"I WANT TO BE A REINDEER NOW!" he shouted like that spoiled little rich Varuca Salt girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. And when Momiji denied access to the principle of Akito being a reindeer, he curled up into a little ball and cried like a bebbeh. So Momiji rolled his eyes and duct-taped Akito to the back of the reindeer so he was on his backside staring up at the sky. "Yay! This is like so totally awesome!" Akito said in a scary surfer voice like the Akitos on my music video as he stared unblinking up at the night sky. With his mouth open. So it's like Akito duct-taped to the back of a reindeer (Cupid) on his back staring up with a face like this :D except with bigger eyes cuz it's an ANIME and animes are like ( (o) )_( (o) )
Hatori attached all the reindeer to his sleigh and sat atop the seat with a full bag of toys behind him. In that boring calm Hatori voice he said, "On Dasher. On Dancer. On Prancer and Vixen. On Comet. On Cupid. On Donner and Blitzen."
"HEY!" Kagura screamed cuz now the entire Sohma family is here. "THAT'S NOT FAIR FOR VIXEN AND BLITZEN! HOW COME YOU SAY "ON" BEFORE EVERY OTHER REINDEER BUT NOT THEM! THEY MUST FEEL SO UNLOVED BECAUSE YOU MAKE THEM SHARE AN "ON" WITH ANOTHER REINDEER! YOU HORRIBLE VIRTUELESS PERSON!"
Everyone stood there and blinked at Kagura for a moment, then they duct- taped her to the back of Dasher and she fell silent.
"I'm lonely and I feel like an Egyptian dude," Akito declared randomly.
"Awww, poor Akito's lonely," Momiji squealed, "I know! He needs a traveling partner!" And with that, Momiji duct-taped Yuki to the reindeer opposite from Akito, which was only about four feet away.
Akito turned his head from the night sky to Yuki and did an evil smile that needed an evil cackle to go with it. "Yuuuuuuuukiiiiiiiii" he said, while Yuki screamed and kicked his reindeer to go the opposite direction. Then Akito kicked his reindeer to go the same direction Yuki went. "Hurry up Comet!" Yuki said, desperate to escape his dooooooom. But Comet was an old reindeer, so he slid slowly sideways while Akito's Cupid pranced..err..bounded towards him like those little Scottie dogs on Zelda except Cupid was smiling with a huge smile.
I'll give you some time to imagine Yuki's point of view. He's laying on his side atop Comet while another reindeer Cupid, is bounding towards him with a face like this ^__________________^ and Akito's also on that reindeer, so Akito is coming toward him with a face like this ^________________^ and..yeah. Scary. It was also kinda worse when SASS had to go to the bathroom so he gave his reindeer-whip to Akito to hold until he got back. Oh well. We'll leave those two to themselves.
Meanwhile, Kagura was ranting again about the rights of the reindeer, and that it wasn't fair that Blitzen was at the end of the line just because his name rhymes with Vixen. Which it doesn't, she added. Blitzen does NOT rhyme with Vixen.
Eventually, Hatori came back and removed his whip from Akito's hands that wouldn't....let....go! of it. "Alright enough with this I'm tired of being Santa." He said and he tore off all his clothes (heheh his santa clothes don't worry he's not nakey! This is rated PG and I don't have a little black censor-bar!)
"Awwwww" squealed Momiji. "That wasn't very fun. You didn't travel around in your sleigh giving toys to people!"
"Oh well," our lil Secret Agent Seahorse Santa replied. "Maybe next year."
"Oh suuure," the Narrator said, "like Hatori would just suddenly be a hyper person who WANTS to wear a Santa suit next year. Bah humbug." Then all the Sohmas gasped at the profanity of such a phrase on Christmas and they threw the Narrator out the window.
A Christmas dinner party started. A table was set out and everybody sat down in their chairs with a big plate of food before them. Everyone was all happy and cheerful. Except Yuki. Who was indeed very nervous being stared at by Akito the entire time. Momiji decided to start up a conversation. He turned to Hatori.
"Hatori.." Momiji squealed.
"Yes? What is it, Momiji?" Replied Hatori.
"Uhm.." The bunny began, "I noticed something."
"What?"
"In episode eight, you said 'Often time in memories we tend to overromanticize the people we care about'. So...does that mean that...all your visions of Kana were overromantic? Does that mean Kana was really a fat old hag with one eyeball and stitches all over her arm but you didn't realize it?"
Hatori blinked.
"I mean, think about it, in the Lakehouse episode, Ayame gives you those wedding pictures of Kana but you didn't open them. BECAUSE IF THE PICTURES WERE SHOWN IT WOULD PROVE KANA'S TRUE FORM!!! Kana, that ugly hideous beast that you've been telling us was beautiful," squealed Momiji.
"But you've seen her yourself," said Hatori.
"NO EXCUSES HATORI!!!" Momiji squealed. "It's like that movie Shallow Hal. He thought the girl was beautiful in his own mind, but she was really this big ugly thingy!"
"Are you trying to say Kana was a big ugly thingy?" asked Hatori monotonously.
"PRECISELY!" Momiji squealed enthusiastically. "You were overromanticizing her. I'll bet she was really ugly."
Hatori blinked and lifted a photograph of Kana from out of his pocket. "Uhm..here's proof. Look, see, it was taken by a camera. She is NOT a big ugly thingy."
Momiji screamed. "So you have CAMERAS working on your side, eh Ha'ri?! I knew something was fishy from the start. You manipulated the cameras' minds into editing the photograph after its been taken. BUT I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR PLAN MISTER!!!"
"I don't manipulate cameras," Hatori responded calmly, and then he decided this conversation was VERY weird so he started talking to Ritsu who was sitting next to him on the other side about disemboweling teddy bears. Ritsu listened veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery intently.
"You make me want a teddy bear for Christmas," Ritsu said to Ha'ri.
"Why?" the seaponeh asked, "So you can disembowel it?"
"I AM SO SORRY! GOMENASAI!" Ritsu screamed, jumping into the stuffing cuz monkeys BELONG in stuffing.
While Hatori wondered about why in the world Ritsu was apologizing for wanting to disembowel a teddy bear and why he had just jumped facefirst into the stuffing, Momiji walked outside for a little breather from all the chaos indoors.
The chilly wind blew across his rosy pink cheeks. He smiled, loving the fact that it was a lovely Christmas Eve night and it was snowing and everyone was happy and there was one of those little snowmen from Kirby doing the tango with Kureno far in the distance.
Momiji squealed with excitement. Then he remembered his mystery! "Oh no! I've been having so much fun, I forgot all about it!" So he decided he'd calculate whom he already knew wasn't the culprit. This is his list of who is NOT the pooper. (drawn ENTIRELY in human blood he found inside a bottle in Tohru's room)
Akito Toucan Sam the Rabbit Kisa Hiro Yuki Hatori
Even though he had NO proof that ANY of these people AREN'T the pooper, oh well. He thought to himself, wondering who in the world it could be. He gasped. "KYO!!" he squealed, feeling like he had just figured out the mystery even though he hadn't.
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Val: Alriiiiiiiiight! I updated that one purdy fast, ne? WELL OKEYDOKEY FOLKS ! I'll continue next chapter soon! Ja ne! ^^
DISCLAIMER: I own Fruits Basket in NO WAY. But I DO own a Christmas tree, which has inspired me to write this chapter of...THE FAST AND THE FLUBBERY!!! Okay, let's begin. And, remember, Christmas trees are your friends!
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
An amount of time passed. I never clarified what time of the year it was in previous chapters, but NOW I say it was winter. So..THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT HAS COME TO THE SOHMA FAMILY!!! Everybody is busy busy busy with the coming holiday, especially Hatori, who has to manage ALL the family finances since Akito-san is still an itty-bitty shrimp who can barely talk! Okay, he can talk, but he's still too young to do the bills! So Hatori is quite busyful.
Saying a few naughty-naughty Mr. Seaponeh words, he scribbled out a note he had written on a sheet of blank paper. "Well, that's expensive." I don't see WHY he said that though. After all, it doesn't matter how expensive ANYTHING is if you're a SOHMA..Hn. Stupid spoiled rich family who are probably stinky Republicans. Wait, they're Japanese. Never mind. ANYWAYS..
As Hatori erased the memory from the paper that it ever had words on it so he didn't have to waste any more of his precious pink eraser, Momiji burst through the door. "HATORI SOHMA!" he squealed loudly, "I'VE CAUGHT YOU RED- HANDED!"
Hatori quickly erased the memory from Momiji that he had ever walked in on him while he had tomato juice for some reason drenched all over his hands. "Uh...what were you saying Momiji?" he asked.
Momiji pointed his quivering finger at the Seapony-Man. "I KNOW YOU POOPED THAT POOP HATORI! IT HAD TO BE YOU!"
"Why me?" Hatori asked, lifting his unseen eyebrow.
"BECAUSE YOU TRANSFORM INTO A SEAHORSE!" replied Momiji squealishly, as if that made any sense whatsoever.
"Well I didn't. I'm too busy to have time for your silly games now, Momiji, so please leave."
That answer wasn't good enough for lil old bunneh boy. So lil old bunneh boy decided to change the subject. Even though that really doesn't help lil old bunneh boy's mystery-solving at all and it just drags out this already-pointless story.
Momiji began his sentence. "So, Ha'ri, Christmas is coming up and.."
"No." Hatori immediately responded. "I know what you're about to say. You want to dress me up in a Santa Claus suit." He considered it. "I don't like the idea," he added flatly.
Momiji giggled squealingly. "I wasn't gonna say that, but that's a great idea! Okay, Hatori, you're Santa Claus!" And with that remark, he zoomed it to Christmas Eve somehow and put Hatori in a Santa suit, made especially for him by the great Ayame.
"Hmmm..." Ayame hmmmed. "Perhaps I should add some more frills and lace, na?"
So he did.
And Hatori was a very frilly and lacey Santa Claus. With a scepter. Cuz Santa with a kick-ass scepter would be cool. And make him a member of the CIA. So now we have our Secret Agent Seahorse Santa! (or just SASS for short)
"Wow, Hatori, you look SASSy!" Momiji squealed pun-ishly.
"What..how did I end up in this.." Hatori wondered as he examined his ridiculous outfit. BUT..little did the world know...Hatori ENJOYED being a Secret Agent Seahorse Santa! It suited him! But of course he would NEVER tell anyone that.
"Now I think we need reindeer," squealed Momiji. So he ran off to find the real Santa, put him in a bag, give him to Jack Skellington, and steal his reindeer fiendishly.
Soon enough the entire reindeer crew was at the Sohma estate! Whee! And then Akito appeared out of nowhere.
"I WANT TO BE A REINDEER NOW!" he shouted like that spoiled little rich Varuca Salt girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. And when Momiji denied access to the principle of Akito being a reindeer, he curled up into a little ball and cried like a bebbeh. So Momiji rolled his eyes and duct-taped Akito to the back of the reindeer so he was on his backside staring up at the sky. "Yay! This is like so totally awesome!" Akito said in a scary surfer voice like the Akitos on my music video as he stared unblinking up at the night sky. With his mouth open. So it's like Akito duct-taped to the back of a reindeer (Cupid) on his back staring up with a face like this :D except with bigger eyes cuz it's an ANIME and animes are like ( (o) )_( (o) )
Hatori attached all the reindeer to his sleigh and sat atop the seat with a full bag of toys behind him. In that boring calm Hatori voice he said, "On Dasher. On Dancer. On Prancer and Vixen. On Comet. On Cupid. On Donner and Blitzen."
"HEY!" Kagura screamed cuz now the entire Sohma family is here. "THAT'S NOT FAIR FOR VIXEN AND BLITZEN! HOW COME YOU SAY "ON" BEFORE EVERY OTHER REINDEER BUT NOT THEM! THEY MUST FEEL SO UNLOVED BECAUSE YOU MAKE THEM SHARE AN "ON" WITH ANOTHER REINDEER! YOU HORRIBLE VIRTUELESS PERSON!"
Everyone stood there and blinked at Kagura for a moment, then they duct- taped her to the back of Dasher and she fell silent.
"I'm lonely and I feel like an Egyptian dude," Akito declared randomly.
"Awww, poor Akito's lonely," Momiji squealed, "I know! He needs a traveling partner!" And with that, Momiji duct-taped Yuki to the reindeer opposite from Akito, which was only about four feet away.
Akito turned his head from the night sky to Yuki and did an evil smile that needed an evil cackle to go with it. "Yuuuuuuuukiiiiiiiii" he said, while Yuki screamed and kicked his reindeer to go the opposite direction. Then Akito kicked his reindeer to go the same direction Yuki went. "Hurry up Comet!" Yuki said, desperate to escape his dooooooom. But Comet was an old reindeer, so he slid slowly sideways while Akito's Cupid pranced..err..bounded towards him like those little Scottie dogs on Zelda except Cupid was smiling with a huge smile.
I'll give you some time to imagine Yuki's point of view. He's laying on his side atop Comet while another reindeer Cupid, is bounding towards him with a face like this ^__________________^ and Akito's also on that reindeer, so Akito is coming toward him with a face like this ^________________^ and..yeah. Scary. It was also kinda worse when SASS had to go to the bathroom so he gave his reindeer-whip to Akito to hold until he got back. Oh well. We'll leave those two to themselves.
Meanwhile, Kagura was ranting again about the rights of the reindeer, and that it wasn't fair that Blitzen was at the end of the line just because his name rhymes with Vixen. Which it doesn't, she added. Blitzen does NOT rhyme with Vixen.
Eventually, Hatori came back and removed his whip from Akito's hands that wouldn't....let....go! of it. "Alright enough with this I'm tired of being Santa." He said and he tore off all his clothes (heheh his santa clothes don't worry he's not nakey! This is rated PG and I don't have a little black censor-bar!)
"Awwwww" squealed Momiji. "That wasn't very fun. You didn't travel around in your sleigh giving toys to people!"
"Oh well," our lil Secret Agent Seahorse Santa replied. "Maybe next year."
"Oh suuure," the Narrator said, "like Hatori would just suddenly be a hyper person who WANTS to wear a Santa suit next year. Bah humbug." Then all the Sohmas gasped at the profanity of such a phrase on Christmas and they threw the Narrator out the window.
A Christmas dinner party started. A table was set out and everybody sat down in their chairs with a big plate of food before them. Everyone was all happy and cheerful. Except Yuki. Who was indeed very nervous being stared at by Akito the entire time. Momiji decided to start up a conversation. He turned to Hatori.
"Hatori.." Momiji squealed.
"Yes? What is it, Momiji?" Replied Hatori.
"Uhm.." The bunny began, "I noticed something."
"What?"
"In episode eight, you said 'Often time in memories we tend to overromanticize the people we care about'. So...does that mean that...all your visions of Kana were overromantic? Does that mean Kana was really a fat old hag with one eyeball and stitches all over her arm but you didn't realize it?"
Hatori blinked.
"I mean, think about it, in the Lakehouse episode, Ayame gives you those wedding pictures of Kana but you didn't open them. BECAUSE IF THE PICTURES WERE SHOWN IT WOULD PROVE KANA'S TRUE FORM!!! Kana, that ugly hideous beast that you've been telling us was beautiful," squealed Momiji.
"But you've seen her yourself," said Hatori.
"NO EXCUSES HATORI!!!" Momiji squealed. "It's like that movie Shallow Hal. He thought the girl was beautiful in his own mind, but she was really this big ugly thingy!"
"Are you trying to say Kana was a big ugly thingy?" asked Hatori monotonously.
"PRECISELY!" Momiji squealed enthusiastically. "You were overromanticizing her. I'll bet she was really ugly."
Hatori blinked and lifted a photograph of Kana from out of his pocket. "Uhm..here's proof. Look, see, it was taken by a camera. She is NOT a big ugly thingy."
Momiji screamed. "So you have CAMERAS working on your side, eh Ha'ri?! I knew something was fishy from the start. You manipulated the cameras' minds into editing the photograph after its been taken. BUT I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR PLAN MISTER!!!"
"I don't manipulate cameras," Hatori responded calmly, and then he decided this conversation was VERY weird so he started talking to Ritsu who was sitting next to him on the other side about disemboweling teddy bears. Ritsu listened veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery intently.
"You make me want a teddy bear for Christmas," Ritsu said to Ha'ri.
"Why?" the seaponeh asked, "So you can disembowel it?"
"I AM SO SORRY! GOMENASAI!" Ritsu screamed, jumping into the stuffing cuz monkeys BELONG in stuffing.
While Hatori wondered about why in the world Ritsu was apologizing for wanting to disembowel a teddy bear and why he had just jumped facefirst into the stuffing, Momiji walked outside for a little breather from all the chaos indoors.
The chilly wind blew across his rosy pink cheeks. He smiled, loving the fact that it was a lovely Christmas Eve night and it was snowing and everyone was happy and there was one of those little snowmen from Kirby doing the tango with Kureno far in the distance.
Momiji squealed with excitement. Then he remembered his mystery! "Oh no! I've been having so much fun, I forgot all about it!" So he decided he'd calculate whom he already knew wasn't the culprit. This is his list of who is NOT the pooper. (drawn ENTIRELY in human blood he found inside a bottle in Tohru's room)
Akito Toucan Sam the Rabbit Kisa Hiro Yuki Hatori
Even though he had NO proof that ANY of these people AREN'T the pooper, oh well. He thought to himself, wondering who in the world it could be. He gasped. "KYO!!" he squealed, feeling like he had just figured out the mystery even though he hadn't.
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Val: Alriiiiiiiiight! I updated that one purdy fast, ne? WELL OKEYDOKEY FOLKS ! I'll continue next chapter soon! Ja ne! ^^