Title: First comes the Dark, Then comes the Light
Author: Nikita
Angel watched as her eyes darted from side to side.
"Oh no. Not this time. You don't get to run this time." he said, his voice barely working.
Buffy's shoulders sagged.
"I guess I owe you that. Just not here." Buffy said.
"Fine. Where?" he asked.
***
Buffy had led them to a park a few blocks from the cemetery. She waited for Angel to speak as they sat on a bench overlooking a small pond.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked finally.
"What was I supposed to say? Hi Angel I'm glad your back from where I sent you oh by the way, I killed our baby while you were gone?" she asked emotionless.
"What do you mean, you killed our baby?" then he shook his head. "On second thought, start at the beginning. How did this happen?"
"I don't know. I thought vampires couldn't have kids."
"I thought so too." Angel said quietly.
"Well, you did. Two months after Angelus came on the scene I learned I was pregnant. I had been sick and like any girl who starts having sex, that was the first thought in my head. Then I discarded that because you were a vampire. It wasn't possible. The symptoms stayed though and finally, I went to the free clinic just to ease my mind. At least that's what I told myself. The results came back positive. I was pregnant. I panicked. I knew if Angelus ever learned about it, he'd kill me and the baby. I couldn't let that happen. Turns out I worried for nothing though. A few weeks after I learned that I was indeed pregnant Angelus tried to suck the world into hell. You know how that ended."
"Yeah, but why did you leave? I always wondered but now knowing you were pregnant...why?" Angel asked puzzled.
"Before I left for that fight, mom and I fought and she said if I left to save the world I couldn't come home. I knew that if the gang found out they would push me to abort and that was not an option. I just got on the bus and went to the last place I had called home." Buffy smiled.
"I was so goofy. I decided to be upbeat about everything. Okay so I was a single seventeen year old mother. It had been done before. I checked out all the books that detailed what to expect and what I should do for a healthy baby and I cut out slaying right away. Then I met up with Lily. I tracked down her boyfriend but he was already dead. I had to go into this hell dimension to get Lily back but it all turned out okay."
"You were in a hell dimension?" Angel asked.
"Yeah."
"And you went pregnant?"
"What was I supposed to do? Let Lily die? Too many people had died because of me already." she said standing.
"No. Sit down. For once we are going to finish a conversation." Angel said grabbing her arm.
Buffy sat down.
"Go on." Angel prompted.
Buffy glared at him.
"I was only two months at the time, I wasn't even showing yet. Anyways, Lily moved in with me and we got to preparing for a baby in the house." Buffy smiled.
"I thought I would just fly away I was so far on cloud nine. Sure I was still worried but I just didn't let myself get wrapped up in that." her face darkened.
"Then it happened. I was cooking dinner for me and Lily one night when this pain just shot through me. I doubled over and screamed for Lily. She came running in and said I needed to get to the hospital. We were only a block away so I just went on foot. It was faster than waiting for an ambulance. I went in the e.r. and screamed for someone to help me." Buffy closed her eyes.
Angel gathered her in his arms. She started trembling.
"I tried not to. I begged them not to let it happen." Buffy whispered.
"It did though. The doctor later told me that I had lost so much blood they had needed to do several transfusions and in the end I lost our baby." she started crying.
Angel just held her tighter.
"Baby, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you ever tell me? Why did you keep this to yourself?" he asked her.
"I couldn't stand the idea of you hating me." she whispered.
"Why would you think that? I'd never hate you."
"I lost our baby."
"It wasn't you fault."
"How do you know?"
"What did the doctor say?"
"He said he didn't know what the cause was but he was going with that my body just couldn't take the strain. I lost her when she was four months."
"See, it wasn't you fault. It was just to much of a strain." he told her.
"Really?" she asked him.
"Buffy, you really thought it was your fault?" he asked pulling back to look in her eyes.
"Yes. I was carrying her. How else would she have died unless I did it?" she asked.
"No. I can't believe you kept this to yourself." Angel said as he held her.
"Is there anything else I should know?" he asked gently.
"I can never have kids." Buffy whispered.
"I'm sorry." he whispered.
"The doctor says I'm really lucky I survived. It was a hard pregnancy, not that you would ever catch me complaining. It was an even rougher miscarriage. The result is no more kids for Buffy."
Angel swallowed.
"That's what she meant." he observed to himself.
"What who meant?" Buffy asked.
"I talked to Anne. She wouldn't say what had happened. Just that the guy who left was stupid. He was leaving her for something she'd never have anyway." he told her.
Buffy smiled.
"Anne is a good friend. Look, I never said anything because quite frankly there was no reason for you to know. I thought you already had enough to be sad about why add the loss of a child you never even knew about to it?" she told him.
"Why did you destroy all the records?" he asked.
She smiled.
"I'm still the slayer. I couldn't take the chance that someday this would come out and a vampire would try to find out the details and in so doing would find my baby's grave. I couldn't bear that." she said.
Angel nodded slowly.
"Makes sense."
"So, want to tell me how you got into this? I thought we had said everything there was to say?" Buffy asked.
"I went to Sunnydale to talk to you. I couldn't leave things like that. I... you had this look on your face when I hit you and I...it haunts my dreams."
"What look?" she asked.
"That look that said you thought I was a greater threat than Angelus had ever dreamed of being."
"That's just silly." she said as turned to look at him.
"You shocked me. You had never just hit me like that. You were right though. I did hit first. You were also right about us. I had no right to go in and make judgements on your life when I'm not a part of it anymore. I just...you know me. I get hurt, I hurt back." she said.
"Yeah I know. I knew it when I went off on you I just couldn't take the idea of you with some other guy. Not to mention, you lied." he said.
"About what?" she asked sensing he was gearing up for another fight.
"You said you had something new with what's his name because you knew him and could trust him. Well, what was I?"
"You've lost me. What do you mean what were you?" she asked confused.
"You knew me. You knew me better than anyone on this planet. Even Darla didn't know as much as you do. You trust me too. Otherwise, why did you offer your neck that night?" he asked triumphantly.
She smiled and shook her head.
"Angel I know I know you. You know me, why do you think we fight as bad as we do? Cause we know what is motivating the other. As to trust...neck offering aside, how many times have I fallen asleep in your arms?" she asked.
He just looked at her confused.
"I'm a slayer, as everyone is so busy reminding us, and you are a vampire. Not just a vampire but a master. The mere fact that I close my eyes around you is a testament to how much I trust you." she said.
He looked at her for a moment.
"Why then?"
"I told you, you hurt me. I wanted to hurt you." she said looking down.
Angel raised her chin with his thumb and index finger.
"What am I going to do with you?" he whispered as his lips descended onto hers.
Angel kissed her with all the passion that was in him. Buffy kissed him with an equal amount, both reveling in the feeling that they were finally back where they belonged.
***
After they broke from the kiss, they had just sat there holding one another.
"What was her name?" Angel asked.
"Angelica Rei O'Connor." she answered smiling.
"O'Connor?" Angel asked wondering how she knew his last name.
"I read the watcher's diaries. It was in there somewhere." she said as she snuggled further into his embrace.
"It's a pretty name. With you as a mother, she would have been gorgeous." he said quietly as he tightened his arms around her.
"Thank you." she said.
"You still my girl?" he asked.
Buffy grinned as she raised her head to look into his eyes.
"Always." she told him as they kissed.
Author: Nikita
Angel watched as her eyes darted from side to side.
"Oh no. Not this time. You don't get to run this time." he said, his voice barely working.
Buffy's shoulders sagged.
"I guess I owe you that. Just not here." Buffy said.
"Fine. Where?" he asked.
***
Buffy had led them to a park a few blocks from the cemetery. She waited for Angel to speak as they sat on a bench overlooking a small pond.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked finally.
"What was I supposed to say? Hi Angel I'm glad your back from where I sent you oh by the way, I killed our baby while you were gone?" she asked emotionless.
"What do you mean, you killed our baby?" then he shook his head. "On second thought, start at the beginning. How did this happen?"
"I don't know. I thought vampires couldn't have kids."
"I thought so too." Angel said quietly.
"Well, you did. Two months after Angelus came on the scene I learned I was pregnant. I had been sick and like any girl who starts having sex, that was the first thought in my head. Then I discarded that because you were a vampire. It wasn't possible. The symptoms stayed though and finally, I went to the free clinic just to ease my mind. At least that's what I told myself. The results came back positive. I was pregnant. I panicked. I knew if Angelus ever learned about it, he'd kill me and the baby. I couldn't let that happen. Turns out I worried for nothing though. A few weeks after I learned that I was indeed pregnant Angelus tried to suck the world into hell. You know how that ended."
"Yeah, but why did you leave? I always wondered but now knowing you were pregnant...why?" Angel asked puzzled.
"Before I left for that fight, mom and I fought and she said if I left to save the world I couldn't come home. I knew that if the gang found out they would push me to abort and that was not an option. I just got on the bus and went to the last place I had called home." Buffy smiled.
"I was so goofy. I decided to be upbeat about everything. Okay so I was a single seventeen year old mother. It had been done before. I checked out all the books that detailed what to expect and what I should do for a healthy baby and I cut out slaying right away. Then I met up with Lily. I tracked down her boyfriend but he was already dead. I had to go into this hell dimension to get Lily back but it all turned out okay."
"You were in a hell dimension?" Angel asked.
"Yeah."
"And you went pregnant?"
"What was I supposed to do? Let Lily die? Too many people had died because of me already." she said standing.
"No. Sit down. For once we are going to finish a conversation." Angel said grabbing her arm.
Buffy sat down.
"Go on." Angel prompted.
Buffy glared at him.
"I was only two months at the time, I wasn't even showing yet. Anyways, Lily moved in with me and we got to preparing for a baby in the house." Buffy smiled.
"I thought I would just fly away I was so far on cloud nine. Sure I was still worried but I just didn't let myself get wrapped up in that." her face darkened.
"Then it happened. I was cooking dinner for me and Lily one night when this pain just shot through me. I doubled over and screamed for Lily. She came running in and said I needed to get to the hospital. We were only a block away so I just went on foot. It was faster than waiting for an ambulance. I went in the e.r. and screamed for someone to help me." Buffy closed her eyes.
Angel gathered her in his arms. She started trembling.
"I tried not to. I begged them not to let it happen." Buffy whispered.
"It did though. The doctor later told me that I had lost so much blood they had needed to do several transfusions and in the end I lost our baby." she started crying.
Angel just held her tighter.
"Baby, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you ever tell me? Why did you keep this to yourself?" he asked her.
"I couldn't stand the idea of you hating me." she whispered.
"Why would you think that? I'd never hate you."
"I lost our baby."
"It wasn't you fault."
"How do you know?"
"What did the doctor say?"
"He said he didn't know what the cause was but he was going with that my body just couldn't take the strain. I lost her when she was four months."
"See, it wasn't you fault. It was just to much of a strain." he told her.
"Really?" she asked him.
"Buffy, you really thought it was your fault?" he asked pulling back to look in her eyes.
"Yes. I was carrying her. How else would she have died unless I did it?" she asked.
"No. I can't believe you kept this to yourself." Angel said as he held her.
"Is there anything else I should know?" he asked gently.
"I can never have kids." Buffy whispered.
"I'm sorry." he whispered.
"The doctor says I'm really lucky I survived. It was a hard pregnancy, not that you would ever catch me complaining. It was an even rougher miscarriage. The result is no more kids for Buffy."
Angel swallowed.
"That's what she meant." he observed to himself.
"What who meant?" Buffy asked.
"I talked to Anne. She wouldn't say what had happened. Just that the guy who left was stupid. He was leaving her for something she'd never have anyway." he told her.
Buffy smiled.
"Anne is a good friend. Look, I never said anything because quite frankly there was no reason for you to know. I thought you already had enough to be sad about why add the loss of a child you never even knew about to it?" she told him.
"Why did you destroy all the records?" he asked.
She smiled.
"I'm still the slayer. I couldn't take the chance that someday this would come out and a vampire would try to find out the details and in so doing would find my baby's grave. I couldn't bear that." she said.
Angel nodded slowly.
"Makes sense."
"So, want to tell me how you got into this? I thought we had said everything there was to say?" Buffy asked.
"I went to Sunnydale to talk to you. I couldn't leave things like that. I... you had this look on your face when I hit you and I...it haunts my dreams."
"What look?" she asked.
"That look that said you thought I was a greater threat than Angelus had ever dreamed of being."
"That's just silly." she said as turned to look at him.
"You shocked me. You had never just hit me like that. You were right though. I did hit first. You were also right about us. I had no right to go in and make judgements on your life when I'm not a part of it anymore. I just...you know me. I get hurt, I hurt back." she said.
"Yeah I know. I knew it when I went off on you I just couldn't take the idea of you with some other guy. Not to mention, you lied." he said.
"About what?" she asked sensing he was gearing up for another fight.
"You said you had something new with what's his name because you knew him and could trust him. Well, what was I?"
"You've lost me. What do you mean what were you?" she asked confused.
"You knew me. You knew me better than anyone on this planet. Even Darla didn't know as much as you do. You trust me too. Otherwise, why did you offer your neck that night?" he asked triumphantly.
She smiled and shook her head.
"Angel I know I know you. You know me, why do you think we fight as bad as we do? Cause we know what is motivating the other. As to trust...neck offering aside, how many times have I fallen asleep in your arms?" she asked.
He just looked at her confused.
"I'm a slayer, as everyone is so busy reminding us, and you are a vampire. Not just a vampire but a master. The mere fact that I close my eyes around you is a testament to how much I trust you." she said.
He looked at her for a moment.
"Why then?"
"I told you, you hurt me. I wanted to hurt you." she said looking down.
Angel raised her chin with his thumb and index finger.
"What am I going to do with you?" he whispered as his lips descended onto hers.
Angel kissed her with all the passion that was in him. Buffy kissed him with an equal amount, both reveling in the feeling that they were finally back where they belonged.
***
After they broke from the kiss, they had just sat there holding one another.
"What was her name?" Angel asked.
"Angelica Rei O'Connor." she answered smiling.
"O'Connor?" Angel asked wondering how she knew his last name.
"I read the watcher's diaries. It was in there somewhere." she said as she snuggled further into his embrace.
"It's a pretty name. With you as a mother, she would have been gorgeous." he said quietly as he tightened his arms around her.
"Thank you." she said.
"You still my girl?" he asked.
Buffy grinned as she raised her head to look into his eyes.
"Always." she told him as they kissed.