Disclaimer: The same applies.
A/N: Okay, after a prolonged case of writer's block, I've finally gotten the hang of writing this story again. Sorry it took me so darn long to update! I'll try to add new chapters more regularly from now on, I promise.
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Cheers
Chapter 17: Reminiscing
Life always had a habit of catching you off guard.
Dean knew this. After all, his life was a perfect example of it. But he always tried to see it positively, to consider it all a test of character. Of course, he knew a select few (i.e. Jess) who would have laughed outright at that and insist that being caught with your guard down was simply a side effect of Nature's vicious sense of humour.
It was a Friday night. He was on the way home after grabbing a bite to eat at Luke's. And in retrospect, it seemed inevitable that it would happen.
Life always had a habit of catching you off guard.
But that still didn't make it any less surprising when he rounded the corner and collided head-on into Rory.
"Oof!"
"Ouch!"
Dean's brows wrinkled as he peered down anxiously at Rory. "Hey, are you alright?"
"Yeah," Rory nodded, her wince of pain softening into a smile.
And then, of course, there was the second surprise: Rory was alone.
"Where's Robert?" Dean asked, his tone casual.
Instead of defending her fiancé's absence with a lengthy explanation, Rory simply shrugged. "He had some work to finish up in Boston."
Shocker.
"So, um–" Dean looked around awkwardly. "Where're you off to?"
"Nowhere," Rory shrugged. "And you?"
Dean smiled. "Nowhere."
"Well then…" Rory gazed up at him, her eyes contemplative. "Want to go for a walk?"
Dean paused. On one hand, he'd already made plans to call it an early night, maybe even catch up on his reading. But then again, when was the last time he actually had the opportunity to hang out with Rory? And in that split second, he made his decision. "Sure."
Life always had a habit of catching you off guard. He had certainly demonstrated that.
"You know what I've always loved about Stars Hollow?" Rory asked a few minutes later, as the pair slowly made their way through the quiet town. A balmy breeze swept down the length of the street, filling the atmosphere with the rustling of the trees that lined the walkway. Inhaling deeply, Dean felt a rare inexplicable calm settling across his consciousness, and for a moment, he tried to remember when he'd last felt this way. It seemed like a lifetime ago, anyhow.
He turned to glance at Rory. "Shoot."
"Just the way everything around here stays the same," Rory smiled wistfully, wrapping her arms around herself. "It's like no matter how much I grow up and change inside, this town is always going to remain exactly the way I remember it. It's sort of comforting, in a way."
Dean looked around him thoughtfully. "Reminds you of the good ol' days, huh?"
"But then I wonder if I'm clinging to the good ol' days a little too tenaciously." Rory paused, looking somewhat embarrassed. "That sounds silly, doesn't it? Holding onto the past when I should be looking forward to the future."
"Of course it's not silly," Dean said, his words assuring. "It's not so much that we're afraid of change; it's that place in between that we fear. It's like being between trapezes – there's nothing to hold on to."
Rory looked at him curiously. "Who said that?"
"Marilyn Ferguson," Dean grinned.
"Ah."
They continued to walk on in amicable silence, both immersed in their own thoughts. Neither felt the need to fill the lull with polite conversation; both were content simply to listen to the muted sounds of the surroundings, to enjoy being in each other's company.
Suddenly Rory turned to Dean. "You know, you never told me what living in Chicago was like."
He frowned in confusion. Chicago? And then he remembered. It was all there right beneath the surface, just waiting for the right moment to burst forth once again. Dean smiled. "Chicago was…fine."
"Why did you leave, anyway?" Rory tilted her head. "I know you got that job offer and everything, but I never thought…" She broke off, her cheeks burning pink.
Dean raised an eyebrow quizzically. "What?"
"I never thought you'd give up everything here and move on," Rory said slowly, hesitantly.
Dean digested this piece of information as the memories came flooding back to him. It was all there right beneath the surface, even though he'd often tried to pretend it wasn't. He knew why he'd moved away, but did he really want to spoil this great balance he'd finally gained hold of with Rory by telling her the truth? "I figured it was time for a change." Granted, it was only half the truth, but it was infinitely better than telling Rory the whole story. How could he possibly explain, anyway?
Do you want to know the truth? Do you want to know why I left?
I needed to get away from you. Away from the knowledge that you'd ultimately chosen Jess instead me all those years ago. Away from the not-so-subtle sympathies of everyone in Stars Hollow. Away from the apologetic glances from Lorelai. Away from feeling like a washout. Away from constantly being made aware of my failure.
Do you want to know the truth, Rory?
I wanted to go through one day without being reminded of it, of this – of you.
One day of normality, of blessed forgetfulness…that was all I wanted. That was what I found away from Stars Hollow.
Was it possible for him to reveal any of this without dumping the blame on her and making her feel bad, without making himself look like the tragic ex-boyfriend wronged? He guessed not. It was a no-win situation from whichever way you looked at it.
"A change, huh?" Rory lapsed into silence as she thought this over. Mercifully, she seemed to be sufficiently satisfied with his vague answer. Now she looked over at him curiously. "So what made you decide to come back to Stars Hollow?"
That was a simple enough question for Dean, and he grinned slightly. "I wanted to see you get married."
She should have known, really. She should have known that no matter where he went, no matter how far away he was or how swiftly time slipped away, all roads would eventually lead him back to Stars Hollow. To her. Rory Gilmore could never be confined to being merely an aspect of his past, he knew that much. Walking beside her in the comforting darkness, Dean allowed himself the luxury of reflecting on all the ups and downs they'd both had to endure to reach this place, this moment. All the good times in his young life, all the bad – it had all happened with her, this elusive, radiant danceaway sprite of the luminous blue eyes and beautiful, innocent smile. A part of him was surprised by the clarity with which he remembered the sweet feather-light kisses from long ago; the whispered I love you's; the shared, secret smiles. It all came rushing back, clear as day, sharp as glass. But with age comes a certain measure of maturity, and so, he wisely made no mention of his inner turmoil, choosing instead to smile and make himself as agreeable as possible. It was easier that way. Better to say things were okay, rather than mess everything up by being melodramatic and honest. Some things you could never tell, after all.
"Dean?"
Hearing his name, he roused himself out of his thoughts. "Hmm?"
"What're you thinking of?" Rory shook her head, a smile dancing on her lips as she took in the absent look in Dean's eyes. "You look like you're a million miles away."
"I must've zoned out," Dean said. The last thing he wanted was to go into specifics with Rory about precisely what he'd been thinking about. "So how're things with you and Robert?" He glanced over at Rory, taking in the sudden change in her expression. "What?"
"Nothing," Rory ducked her head, trying to avoid Dean's gaze. Seeing the scepticism in his face, she relented. "Fine. So maybe things with Robert haven't been going as smoothly as I'd prefer. It's nothing major."
Dean felt his eyebrow quirk. "Really?"
"Yes. Really." Dean didn't miss the defensive note in Rory's voice, but he chose not to call her on it. She looked at him almost defiantly, as though challenging him to disagree. He didn't know whom she was trying to fool, but he definitely wasn't falling for it. Still, if Rory wanted Dean to believe that her relationship with her fiancé was all sunshine and roses, then he'd go along with it.
"Okay then," he nodded amiably, walking ahead of Rory, hands in his pockets. It took him a moment to realize that Rory was no longer keeping pace beside him, so he stopped and turned around. "Rory? What is it?"
Her words tumbled out like a torrent in the still of the night, anxious, unrestrained. "Alright, so I lied. Things with Robert are…horrible." Allowing Dean to steer her to the nearest bench, Rory fretfully tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "I don't know, he's always so uptight. It's like the only thing he cares about is his work." She turned unhappy eyes to him. "Do you remember how it used to be when you and I were dating?"
Leaning against the backrest of the seat, Dean nodded. "We had fun."
"Exactly. We had fun. And we understood each other." Rory sighed, her face troubled. "I can't do that with Robert, you know? He doesn't understand me, not really. And sometimes, I don't think I understand him either. I can't joke around with him the way I can with, well, you." Her shoulders sagged. "And then I have to wonder why I have a better relationship with you than I do with the man I'm about to spend the rest of my life with."
"Well…" Dean searched his brain for something appropriate to say, something sympathetic, something that would let Rory know he understood what she meant, but he came up empty.
"Of course, there's the whole thing about my getting a job," Rory continued. "Am I really supposed to forget about everything I've planned for my life, just because Robert disapproves?" She shook her head, as though disgusted. "You know what's scary? I don't even know why I want to marry Robert any more. What am I supposed to do about that?"
"Sometimes one or both parties have to give up a part of themselves to make a relationship work." Dean glanced at Rory meditatively. "But the question is, how much of yourself do you want to give up for Robert?"
A wry smile crept across Rory's face. "Jess asked me the same thing the other day."
"It's a reasonable question." Dean sat up straighter. "Have you ever thought about it?"
Avoiding Dean's gaze, Rory looked down at her hands. "Not really."
"Why not?" Dean asked, genuinely puzzled.
Rory didn't answer immediately, but when she did, her voice was quiet. "Because I'm not sure I'll like the answer."
Sitting there side by side on the bench under the cover of the night, they fell silent again, both not knowing what to say to each other. Eventually, Dean turned and grinned at Rory. "It's kind of surreal that we're doing this."
"Doing what?" Rory wanted to know.
"I'm playing counsellor a few weeks before your wedding." Seeing the perplexity on Rory's face, Dean tried to elaborate. "It's weird, that's all. I never imagined myself doing this."
Rory tilted her head slightly. "Neither did I."
Another brief silence, and then Dean heard Rory's voice creep across the descending twilight. "Dean?"
He looked at her. "Yeah?"
She smiled at him then, a sunny smile, a Rory smile. "I'm really glad you came back."
"So am I, Rory." Reaching for her hand, Dean squeezed her fingers comfortingly. "So am I."
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To Be Continued…