Chapter four: The future, feathers, and fetishes
Written by Elizabeth
When I awoke the next morning, I knew something big was going to happen. I couldn't quite explain it, I just knew. Natalie was sure I was just nervous.
"This is your first full day with Horatio, you have every right to be a little nervous." I noticed that her cheeks were a little red as she said it. I was, for once, prepared with a comeback.
"Yeah, and I bet you're nervous about your first full day with Archie!"
Natalie turned redder, and I laughed gently. "Either way, Natalie," I said as we climbed above decks, "I'm positive something is going to happen."
Natalie stared in front of us, then groaned. "Something's already happening."
I looked. Lia, who had gotten up before us, was twirling around in circles, nearly hitting Matthews as he attempted to mop the deck. I groaned. How were we going to fit in here if my friends kept acting like this? But that thought was driven from my mind when Lia began to sing.
"C'est plus fort que moi
A chaque foi,
Je mens mord les doigts...
(c) some French guy. I didn't write it!
I ran forward and clamped my hand over her mouth. "Lia, are you crazy?"
"Mfuykfdjlghldskfghs!" She said, which I ignored
"You just can't sing a French song on a ship of Brits!" I hissed. "I mean, for crying out loud, you should just sing 'Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir' And be done with it!"
I heard a strangled croak, and turned around to see Horatio staring at me in horror. "Milady!" He gasped, scandalized.
I turned scarlet. "No, Mr. Hornblower, please, It's not what you think! It's just...a song!" I said, desperate that he didn't get the wrong impression.
He blinked sternly at me. "I don't know any song, British or French, that involves the word..." his voice trailed off, and he turned a little red too.
"No, please, sir!" I begged him, "It was quite popular from where we come from! Don't blow a fuse about this!"
"'Fuse?' Where exactly do you ladies come from?" He said, drawing up to his full height.
I looked down at my feet, in time to discover that Lia was turning blue from lack of oxygen. I let her go and glared at her. "This is all your fault!" I spat at her, then I turned back to Horatio.
"Come to our quarters. I'll explain everything."
This time, all the color drained from his face. "Do you expect me to fall for that trick?" he said.
"This is not a trick!" I said. "I swear on my life that I will not do anything rash!" When he still looked doubtful, I sighed. "Fine! Bring Archie with you if you don't trust me!"
Horatio nodded. "I shall arrive there in five minutes." He turned on his heel and left.
Lia, Natalie, and I traipsed back to our room. I was fuming, my face on fire, Natalie was watching me quietly, and Lia was skipping merrily, singing something about flying corncobs. I pushed open the door and fell on a hammock. "Now what are we going to do?" I said, covering my eyes with a hand, "Nothing I say will convince him we're all right!"
Natalie spoke up. "We could just tell him the truth."
I jerked bolt upright. "Are you insane? He'll think we're all nutters!"
"Horatio trusts you more than us. I think you'll do fine if you don't burst into tears, giggle, or do anything foolish."
There was a rap upon our door. I took a deep breath. I guess something big is going to happen. I'm going to tell them the truth. I thought. "Ok." I said softly, then raised my voice. "Come in!"
Horatio, still pale, entered, followed closely by Archie. "Well, ladies?" Horatio said, sitting on a spare hammock.
I took a deep breath and began to tell. "We're not from around here. The truth is, we are Yankees from the year 2003."
There was a short pause, then Horatio shook his head. "I will not believe it."
"It's true," I said, "We were brought here by something beyond our control, and I don't know how we'll get back or even what we're doing here!"
"Yes," Archie said quietly, "But how were you sent here?"
"I just told you." I said gently, "I don't..."
"Oh, give it a rest, Liz!" Lia said, then stood in front of the men. "We were sucked into Liz's laptop while watching a movie!"
"'Laptop?'" Horatio said, puzzled.
I tried to explain. "It's a thing that you can write on, like an updated parchment and quill."
"Stop, Liz." Lia snorted. "If he can't comprehend on his own, then he's a bigger dunce than I thought." I had managed sufficiently to hold my temper until that moment, but now I could not stand here and let my baby be insulted.
"Lia, I am seriously insulted. Stand off him."
"But why? He's a total nincompoop!
"That does it!" I roared, and everyone-Horatio, Archie, Lia, Natalie, the hammocks, the walls, the door, the ship, the whole dang world-jumped. (Oh, all right, maybe only the first four.)
I began to scream at Lia. "Leave him alone I say, or I will strangle you." Lia stuck her tongue out at me, as if to say, "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!" I answered her, and throwing all dignity to the winds, I tore at her and knocked her over. "If you insult Hora...I mean Mr. Hornblower again, I swear I will kill you."
"He's a total idiot, he gets seasick, and he's a loudmouth!" Lia said, smirking.
I grabbed a pillow from a hammock and smacked her across the face with it. She shut up immediately, then grabbed another pillow and beat me about the head with it. I rained blow upon blow with the fuzzy weapon, and she did likewise. Natalie, meanwhile, was roaring with laugher on the floor, and Horatio and Archie were staring, transfixed with my sudden change from sanity to...this. It was around then that my pillow came too close to Horatio's sword, and it ripped, sending feathers everywhere. (Why this darn ship had feather pillows I don't know.) It took only three seconds for the one sort of chaos to become another sort.
Lia jumped up, and started trying to catch the feathers, screaming "Look, it's snowing inside!" Natalie picked herself up from off the floor, and started giving the Heimlich Maneuver to Archie, who had swallowed a considerable amount of feathers and was choking on them. My darling Horatio was apparently allergic to the darn things, and was sneezing fit to burst. Unfortunately for me, sneezes make me weak, so I was sitting on the floor, giggling my heart out. Horatio was gasping for air (every time you sneeze, your heart stops for a second), and looking very woebegone. I stood up and helped him out of there, though a part of me didn't want to...this man had the sexiest sneezes I'd ever heard. (Bear with me on this, ok?)
"I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Hornblower." I said, giggling feebly, "I don't know what came over me there."
"A temporary bout of insanity, no doubt." Horatio said with a little smile. "It happens to the best of us." He paused and let out a quiet sneeze. "Haishoo!"
I clapped a hand over my mouth to stop myself from giggling. At the same moment, something clicked in my brain. Once my giggling fit had subsided, I looked at him, my eyes full of fear.. "Mr. Hornblower, please, I beg of you and your honor as a gentleman, don't tell anyone, even Captain Pellew, that we come from the future."
"At the moment, milady," Horatio said as he dusted the feathers from his hair, "I cannot even believe you are from this Earth." When I glared at him he said, "But you have my word that I will not tell a soul."
"Thank you, sir." I said graciously, curtsying as well as a girl in pants can. "Oh, and please disregard my earlier comment about, well, you know..."
"'Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?'" Horatio grinned, "Yes, don't worry, you're safe."
I nodded and left him at the door.
***
When I returned to our quarters, it was to find that Lia and Natalie were busy cleaning up the debris from our fight. Archie was comatose on a hammock. "What happened?" I asked, gesturing to him as I started cleaning up.
Natalie looked ready to start laughing again. "I gave him the Heimlich, then he coughed out the feathers, said, 'Is it December? Merry Christmas.' and sort of fainted."
I chuckled. "Horatio fares better. After we got him away from there and he could breathe again, everything was all right."
"That reminds me. Why were you giggling so hard?" Lia asked, sticking some of the bigger feathers in her hair.
I groaned. I'd hoped nobody would notice my little obsession. I took a deep breath and told them the truth. When I had finished, both Natalie and Lia were roaring with laughter.
"Come on, Liz," Lia wheezed, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I can understand crying attracting you to a man, but sneezing?"
"But they're so sweet!" I said. "Well, his are anyway."
"Well, don't keep me in suspense!" Lia said, now arranging the feathers in her hair to look like an Indian headdress, "How do they sound?"
I blushed. "They're soft and gentle, as though he's embarrassed to let anyone hear them. And they sound so feminine, I can't believe it."
"FEMININE?" shouted Lia, and she collapsed on the floor, holding her sides. "Oh God, this is classic! Better than the mutant apricot that landed on my shoulder that one time!"
I didn't pursue that one. "Yes, feminine, but what has that got to do with anything?"
Natalie controlled herself. "Come on, Lizzy, you know as well as I that a man who acts like a woman in any way can sometimes be considered Gay!"
"I don't care. He's not Gay, his sneezes are gorgeous, and if you thinks it's funny, then fine! Case closed!"
Lia opened her mouth again, but I swatted her with another pillow, which broke open, and Archie, who had just regained consciousness, started choking on a mouthful of feathers again.
"Natalie, Patient in hammock three!" I said, laughing. Natalie prepared to Heimlich him again, and I started gathering feathers and packing them back into the pillows, giggling again. A few minutes later, Archie coughed up a feather-ball, and sat on the hammock panting. "What is it with you girls?" he gasped.
"Don't ask." I said. Then I remembered something. "Archie, I don't want you to tell anyone, not even the Captain, that we're from 2003. Ok?"
"Well," said Archie, but Natalie was prepared.
"Pleeease, Archie, keep it secret. I'll be ever so grateful!" She said, clasping her hands. It melted him like an ice cube. "All right." He said, standing up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm leaving before the next pillow breaks."
With that, he left, leaving us to pick up the mess...and laugh over all of this.
"You know what?" Natalie said, as she stuffed in the last of the feathers into the bag, "I think we should head outside after we clean up, you know, be present for all of it."
"Oh yeah," I said sarcastically, "And be in the thick of the fight again?" I was still bitter about that last fight we'd been engaged in. Natalie and Lia had done wonderfully, because they knew fencing, but I had absolutely no fighting skills whatsoever, and the best I could do when someone came close to me was to kick them in the...well, the point is that I can't fight.
"Come on, Liz." Lia said, grinning at me. "Where's your sense of fun?"
I glared at her. "We're in the middle of the 1700's and in the middle of a war!!! This is not fun!!!"
"Come on, Lizzy." Natalie pleaded. "I'll bring my music. I swear that if there's any sort of trouble, we'll go below."
I always trusted Natalie's word, so I followed them outside.
Written by Elizabeth
When I awoke the next morning, I knew something big was going to happen. I couldn't quite explain it, I just knew. Natalie was sure I was just nervous.
"This is your first full day with Horatio, you have every right to be a little nervous." I noticed that her cheeks were a little red as she said it. I was, for once, prepared with a comeback.
"Yeah, and I bet you're nervous about your first full day with Archie!"
Natalie turned redder, and I laughed gently. "Either way, Natalie," I said as we climbed above decks, "I'm positive something is going to happen."
Natalie stared in front of us, then groaned. "Something's already happening."
I looked. Lia, who had gotten up before us, was twirling around in circles, nearly hitting Matthews as he attempted to mop the deck. I groaned. How were we going to fit in here if my friends kept acting like this? But that thought was driven from my mind when Lia began to sing.
"C'est plus fort que moi
A chaque foi,
Je mens mord les doigts...
(c) some French guy. I didn't write it!
I ran forward and clamped my hand over her mouth. "Lia, are you crazy?"
"Mfuykfdjlghldskfghs!" She said, which I ignored
"You just can't sing a French song on a ship of Brits!" I hissed. "I mean, for crying out loud, you should just sing 'Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir' And be done with it!"
I heard a strangled croak, and turned around to see Horatio staring at me in horror. "Milady!" He gasped, scandalized.
I turned scarlet. "No, Mr. Hornblower, please, It's not what you think! It's just...a song!" I said, desperate that he didn't get the wrong impression.
He blinked sternly at me. "I don't know any song, British or French, that involves the word..." his voice trailed off, and he turned a little red too.
"No, please, sir!" I begged him, "It was quite popular from where we come from! Don't blow a fuse about this!"
"'Fuse?' Where exactly do you ladies come from?" He said, drawing up to his full height.
I looked down at my feet, in time to discover that Lia was turning blue from lack of oxygen. I let her go and glared at her. "This is all your fault!" I spat at her, then I turned back to Horatio.
"Come to our quarters. I'll explain everything."
This time, all the color drained from his face. "Do you expect me to fall for that trick?" he said.
"This is not a trick!" I said. "I swear on my life that I will not do anything rash!" When he still looked doubtful, I sighed. "Fine! Bring Archie with you if you don't trust me!"
Horatio nodded. "I shall arrive there in five minutes." He turned on his heel and left.
Lia, Natalie, and I traipsed back to our room. I was fuming, my face on fire, Natalie was watching me quietly, and Lia was skipping merrily, singing something about flying corncobs. I pushed open the door and fell on a hammock. "Now what are we going to do?" I said, covering my eyes with a hand, "Nothing I say will convince him we're all right!"
Natalie spoke up. "We could just tell him the truth."
I jerked bolt upright. "Are you insane? He'll think we're all nutters!"
"Horatio trusts you more than us. I think you'll do fine if you don't burst into tears, giggle, or do anything foolish."
There was a rap upon our door. I took a deep breath. I guess something big is going to happen. I'm going to tell them the truth. I thought. "Ok." I said softly, then raised my voice. "Come in!"
Horatio, still pale, entered, followed closely by Archie. "Well, ladies?" Horatio said, sitting on a spare hammock.
I took a deep breath and began to tell. "We're not from around here. The truth is, we are Yankees from the year 2003."
There was a short pause, then Horatio shook his head. "I will not believe it."
"It's true," I said, "We were brought here by something beyond our control, and I don't know how we'll get back or even what we're doing here!"
"Yes," Archie said quietly, "But how were you sent here?"
"I just told you." I said gently, "I don't..."
"Oh, give it a rest, Liz!" Lia said, then stood in front of the men. "We were sucked into Liz's laptop while watching a movie!"
"'Laptop?'" Horatio said, puzzled.
I tried to explain. "It's a thing that you can write on, like an updated parchment and quill."
"Stop, Liz." Lia snorted. "If he can't comprehend on his own, then he's a bigger dunce than I thought." I had managed sufficiently to hold my temper until that moment, but now I could not stand here and let my baby be insulted.
"Lia, I am seriously insulted. Stand off him."
"But why? He's a total nincompoop!
"That does it!" I roared, and everyone-Horatio, Archie, Lia, Natalie, the hammocks, the walls, the door, the ship, the whole dang world-jumped. (Oh, all right, maybe only the first four.)
I began to scream at Lia. "Leave him alone I say, or I will strangle you." Lia stuck her tongue out at me, as if to say, "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!" I answered her, and throwing all dignity to the winds, I tore at her and knocked her over. "If you insult Hora...I mean Mr. Hornblower again, I swear I will kill you."
"He's a total idiot, he gets seasick, and he's a loudmouth!" Lia said, smirking.
I grabbed a pillow from a hammock and smacked her across the face with it. She shut up immediately, then grabbed another pillow and beat me about the head with it. I rained blow upon blow with the fuzzy weapon, and she did likewise. Natalie, meanwhile, was roaring with laugher on the floor, and Horatio and Archie were staring, transfixed with my sudden change from sanity to...this. It was around then that my pillow came too close to Horatio's sword, and it ripped, sending feathers everywhere. (Why this darn ship had feather pillows I don't know.) It took only three seconds for the one sort of chaos to become another sort.
Lia jumped up, and started trying to catch the feathers, screaming "Look, it's snowing inside!" Natalie picked herself up from off the floor, and started giving the Heimlich Maneuver to Archie, who had swallowed a considerable amount of feathers and was choking on them. My darling Horatio was apparently allergic to the darn things, and was sneezing fit to burst. Unfortunately for me, sneezes make me weak, so I was sitting on the floor, giggling my heart out. Horatio was gasping for air (every time you sneeze, your heart stops for a second), and looking very woebegone. I stood up and helped him out of there, though a part of me didn't want to...this man had the sexiest sneezes I'd ever heard. (Bear with me on this, ok?)
"I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Hornblower." I said, giggling feebly, "I don't know what came over me there."
"A temporary bout of insanity, no doubt." Horatio said with a little smile. "It happens to the best of us." He paused and let out a quiet sneeze. "Haishoo!"
I clapped a hand over my mouth to stop myself from giggling. At the same moment, something clicked in my brain. Once my giggling fit had subsided, I looked at him, my eyes full of fear.. "Mr. Hornblower, please, I beg of you and your honor as a gentleman, don't tell anyone, even Captain Pellew, that we come from the future."
"At the moment, milady," Horatio said as he dusted the feathers from his hair, "I cannot even believe you are from this Earth." When I glared at him he said, "But you have my word that I will not tell a soul."
"Thank you, sir." I said graciously, curtsying as well as a girl in pants can. "Oh, and please disregard my earlier comment about, well, you know..."
"'Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?'" Horatio grinned, "Yes, don't worry, you're safe."
I nodded and left him at the door.
***
When I returned to our quarters, it was to find that Lia and Natalie were busy cleaning up the debris from our fight. Archie was comatose on a hammock. "What happened?" I asked, gesturing to him as I started cleaning up.
Natalie looked ready to start laughing again. "I gave him the Heimlich, then he coughed out the feathers, said, 'Is it December? Merry Christmas.' and sort of fainted."
I chuckled. "Horatio fares better. After we got him away from there and he could breathe again, everything was all right."
"That reminds me. Why were you giggling so hard?" Lia asked, sticking some of the bigger feathers in her hair.
I groaned. I'd hoped nobody would notice my little obsession. I took a deep breath and told them the truth. When I had finished, both Natalie and Lia were roaring with laughter.
"Come on, Liz," Lia wheezed, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I can understand crying attracting you to a man, but sneezing?"
"But they're so sweet!" I said. "Well, his are anyway."
"Well, don't keep me in suspense!" Lia said, now arranging the feathers in her hair to look like an Indian headdress, "How do they sound?"
I blushed. "They're soft and gentle, as though he's embarrassed to let anyone hear them. And they sound so feminine, I can't believe it."
"FEMININE?" shouted Lia, and she collapsed on the floor, holding her sides. "Oh God, this is classic! Better than the mutant apricot that landed on my shoulder that one time!"
I didn't pursue that one. "Yes, feminine, but what has that got to do with anything?"
Natalie controlled herself. "Come on, Lizzy, you know as well as I that a man who acts like a woman in any way can sometimes be considered Gay!"
"I don't care. He's not Gay, his sneezes are gorgeous, and if you thinks it's funny, then fine! Case closed!"
Lia opened her mouth again, but I swatted her with another pillow, which broke open, and Archie, who had just regained consciousness, started choking on a mouthful of feathers again.
"Natalie, Patient in hammock three!" I said, laughing. Natalie prepared to Heimlich him again, and I started gathering feathers and packing them back into the pillows, giggling again. A few minutes later, Archie coughed up a feather-ball, and sat on the hammock panting. "What is it with you girls?" he gasped.
"Don't ask." I said. Then I remembered something. "Archie, I don't want you to tell anyone, not even the Captain, that we're from 2003. Ok?"
"Well," said Archie, but Natalie was prepared.
"Pleeease, Archie, keep it secret. I'll be ever so grateful!" She said, clasping her hands. It melted him like an ice cube. "All right." He said, standing up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm leaving before the next pillow breaks."
With that, he left, leaving us to pick up the mess...and laugh over all of this.
"You know what?" Natalie said, as she stuffed in the last of the feathers into the bag, "I think we should head outside after we clean up, you know, be present for all of it."
"Oh yeah," I said sarcastically, "And be in the thick of the fight again?" I was still bitter about that last fight we'd been engaged in. Natalie and Lia had done wonderfully, because they knew fencing, but I had absolutely no fighting skills whatsoever, and the best I could do when someone came close to me was to kick them in the...well, the point is that I can't fight.
"Come on, Liz." Lia said, grinning at me. "Where's your sense of fun?"
I glared at her. "We're in the middle of the 1700's and in the middle of a war!!! This is not fun!!!"
"Come on, Lizzy." Natalie pleaded. "I'll bring my music. I swear that if there's any sort of trouble, we'll go below."
I always trusted Natalie's word, so I followed them outside.