IX

It's the End of the World as we Know It

The crown was rather dusty from disuse after having been closed off for a number of years. Kay and Jay slipped in silently, careful not to make any sound, lest they attract attention. Kay motioned Jay over behind some boxes and pointed. There, straight ahead of them, was Elizabeth tied to a chair. She sat perfectly still with her back straight. If she was going to be killed, she had decided, she would do it with dignity.

Jay mouthed the words, "Where are the aliens?" to Kay, who shook his head that he didn't know. As if on cue, all of the boxes morphed into a gigantic blue mass that towered over everything in the room.

"Welcome," it thundered as it morphed into the spitting image of Howard Dean. Jay shook his head.

"That's it. I'm voting republican this year."

Howard Dean meandered towards the center of the room and caressed Elizabeth's cheek suggestively. Kay's fist clenched involuntarily. "We knew you'd come to the ends of the world for this earthling. How convenient. It's the end of the world."

"This is your final chance to surrender," Kay said coolly, drawing his gun. "Give yourself and the members of your species over to MiB and no one gets hurt."

"The 'members of the species'? You mean the measly few hundred left hanging onto existence because your earth will not permit us to breed here?"

"Yours is a parasitic species. You suck the life out of everything else. It would destroy our earth, and you know it."

"No matter. It will be ours soon enough anyway. Guards! String these cretins up with the other earthling. Its time to feed the first batch," Howard Dean said with an evil smile. From out of nowhere, Bill Clinton, Ross Perot, George Bush Sr. and Al Gore raced towards Kay and Jay and began to tie their hands around their backs.

"I knew it!" Jay cried. "I knew Al Gore was an alien!"

Soon Kay, Jay and Elizabeth were tied securely to a pedestal suspended over a vat of writhing, roiling blue sludge. "What is that?" Jay said with disgust.

"Dlrow larvae," Kay replied, looking down at them all. "Babies only a mother could love."

"It would have to be a pretty ugly mother," Elizabeth said, squeezing her eyes shut. "You know, I never did  like this city…"

"Dlrow eat humans?"

"They eat anything, slick. We just happen to be the available food source at the moment." He sighed. "Never thought it would end this way. My partner, my wife and me are baby food."

"You mean ex-wife, big guy," Jay reminded him.

Kay and Elizabeth exchanged glances. "Actually Jay, we're technically still married."

Jay looked at him in surprise. "Still married? So that's why Elizabeth wasn't neurilized – those 'papers' you haven't signed yet were divorce papers, huh?" 

"Yep."

"Neurilized? What's that?" Elizabeth asked.

"Memory eraser. Usually when an agent joins the MiB, all memory of that person is wiped out of the minds of all the people that agent knew. Anonymity is essential. Even family members will have no recollection of that person."

"That's so sad," Elizabeth said softly.

Kay nodded. "Yeah…and I knew if I signed those papers, and the divorce became final, you'd be neurilized and wouldn't remember me at all." He shifted uncomfortably, a sad look on his face. "And I couldn't face that. Divorce or no. I guess I just hoped that…someday, I could come back, and we could be a family again," he said quietly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. This is all my fault. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be here right now."

Elizabeth looked away. "You know, after you disappeared when we were teenagers…everyone told me to get over it, to forget about you, to find someone new, to give up hope of ever seeing you again. But I didn't want anyone else. Not ever, not in that whole time. But when you showed up on my front porch eight years ago, I knew you had been worth waiting thirty five years for." She and Kay held each other's gaze for a minute before she went on. "Hope - that's the same reason I didn't file for desertion. I could have, you know. You'd been gone so long…but some part of me knew you weren't dead. Some part of me knew that you'd gone back to doing whatever it was that you were doing before. I guess I…just wanted an excuse to still be connected to you somehow. I just hoped you would come back one day, and the excuse of filing the divorce papers was a semi-plausible one."

"All this talk of divorce; sounds to be like y'all don't want to be divorced," Jay commented bluntly.

Kay and Elizabeth looked at one another. Kay opened his mouth to say something when all of a sudden the pedestal began to descend closer and closer towards the larvae.

"Slick, you got your gun?"

"No."

"Cord cutter?"

"No."

"Knife."

"No."

"Well why not?!"

"Because you always carry those things!"

Kay groaned. "Left them in my other pants. Why did I decide to change? You could hardly see that soup stain!"

Suddenly Kay heard the distinctive sound of ropes being sawed through by a knife. Surprised, he looked over at Elizabeth, whose face was wrought in concentration. She smiled at him. "Pocket knife. A good botanist never leaves home without it."

"God bless the botanist!" Jay cried as Elizabeth broke free and began to saw off Kay's ropes. She made quick work and a few seconds later Kay had broken free from his bondage and was busy untying Jay.

"Go hide," he instructed Elizabeth over his shoulder. She nodded and jumped free of the vat, running up the first staircase she could find. 

Jay was quickly free and the two men jumped off the pedestal and onto the safety of stationary ground. "Let's split up. Just start takin' 'em out, slick," Kay instructed as he drew his gun. Jay nodded and ran off to do what he did best - kick some alien butt. Kay climbed the stairs that Elizabeth had climbed just moments before and found himself on the very top of the Statue of Liberty and Elizabeth…in his arms?

It must have morphed again, Kay thought as he gazed upon his clone, who was holding steadfastly onto Elizabeth. She looked up in shock.

"Kevin! But…Kevin?"

"Get away from him, Liz! He's a Dlrow!" Kay shouted, pointing his gun at his copy. The fake Kay also drew his gun and pointed it at Kay.

"Don't listen to him! He's the Dlrow!"

"Liz! We don't have a lot of time! You've got to believe me!" Kay shouted over the hum of the Dlrow mothership that had begun to soar over New York Harbor. He knew it wouldn't be long before it started firing at the hapless city below. Instinctively, as in all times of crises, Kay put his hand into his right pocket and began to rub the keychain. His mind was racing a mile a minute – how could he convince Elizabeth that he was Kevin, while at the same time staving off the mothership and a morphed Dlrow? An idea struck him. "Of course," he whispered. 

"There's nothing that you can say or do that I cannot do as well!" the Dlrow said with an evil glimmer in its eye. "Tread carefully here!"

Kay proudly held up the keychain. "Remember this, sweetheart? You won it for me in Brumsbruck, at the fair, remember? You said it was the ugliest cartoon dog you'd ever seen! But I've kept it all this time, because it always reminds me of you! And I bet you ten to one that the ugly, slimy, no-good son of a bitch in a sharp suit standing next you doesn't have one of these!" he said with a smile. The fake Kay, seeing his defeat, swiftly aimed his gun at Elizabeth's back as she struggled away from him, but no matter how fast he was, he was no match for an old pro like the real Kay. With the pull of a trigger, the Dlrow was no longer a problem.

Elizabeth yelped at the shot. "Jesus Kevin, don't you ever get tired of this?" 

"It grows on you," Kay said, keeping his eyes on the mothership. "But unfortunately, we've got an even bigger problem on our hands now." A beep from Kay's communicator disrupted his thoughts. "This better not be a telemarketer…" he mumbled.

"Kay!" Jay's voice shouted from the communicator. "Check this out!" From out of nowhere, a Dlrow Salta craft flew into their view, with Jay in the cockpit. "I'm gonna take care of this little Dlrow problem once and for all!" he said as he began to blast little crafts like his clean out of the sky. He laughed; his favorite video games had always been about this kind of thing. Kay and Elizabeth raced down through the statue, all too aware that a stray shot could destroy the statue along with them. They made it to the bottom just in time to see the last Salta craft fall from the sky.

"Pretty impressive," Kay admitted.

Jay nodded to an invisible crowd. "Thank you, thank you," he said, bowing.

"Kid, we got a little bit bigger problem than Salta crafts," Kay said through his communicator. Jay happened to glance up and see the biggest mothership he'd ever seen hovering right over him. His breath caught in his throat, but he swallowed hard to regain control. He had come this far; time to finish the job.

"I'm on it!"

"There's no way you can take our the mothership with Salta fire! Its armored!" Kay said, but Jay didn't hear him. However, the truth of these words became evident as the minutes passed and the mothership remained exactly where it was, no worse the wear.

"Dammit," Jay muttered in frustration. Just then a small hatch on the port side of the ship opened, revealing one hell of a laser gun.

"They're going to start firing on New York!" Kay shouted.

"Oh no you don't!" Jay screamed, turning his craft towards the open hatch. "New Yorkers have been through enough shit in the past few years to be destroyed by a bunch of butt ugly aliens like you!" The open hatch was the soft spot of the ship, the only spot it could be destroyed from. Like a dragon of the twenty-first century, it was only as strong as its weakest link.

"Jay?" the scratchy voice of Kay rang through on Jay's communicator.

"Yeah?"

"Look…just in case we don't make it out of here…I want you to know I'm sorry."

"For what? Nearly throwing me off the Statue of Liberty?"

"That too. But mostly for treating always you like a rookie." Jay paused; Kay was apologizing to him?  "Fact is, you're a damn fine agent, son, and I'm proud to have served as your partner. I figured this might be my last chance to tell you that. I've been meaning to say it for a long time now."

"Kay, I'm touched – "

"Sentimentality later! Go kick some alien ass!"

"You got it!" Jay revved up and tried to fire his guns, only to find that he had depleted all of his ammo.

"What's wrong, kid?" Kay shouted through his communicator.

"I'm all out of firepower!" he shouted back.

"What are you going to do now?"

"Something I was hoping I wouldn't have to do," Jay said quietly, making sure all systems were go. Kay's eyes widened.

"No! I forbid you!"

"This is the way it has to be!" Jay shouted, aiming his ship directly at the soft spot. He could see the Dlrow gun warming up for its first shot and prepared himself for his last stand. He hit a button on his watch and thrust the ship sharply forward.

"No, Jay, don't do it!" Kay bellowed at the top of his lungs just as Jay's craft made the death blow to the Dlrow mothership, inciting enormous explosions and a deafening roar. Kay and Elizabeth threw themselves to the bottom of the boat and covered their heads to shield against falling debris. Kay looked up just in time to see the mothership sinking almost peacefully to the bottom of the harbor. "Jay!" he cried, immediately standing up and scanning the surface of the water. "Jay!"  Kay sat down in a lump. Tears flowed freely from his eyes. "Dammit. There's no way anyone could have survived that blast," he swore softly. Elizabeth sat down next to him, crying as well. She took hold of his hand.

"I'm so sorry, Kevin…"

They were silent a moment, as the whole world seemed to be. Even the sounds of the city seemed distant now, as Kay continued to stare blankly out into the water. At first he didn't notice the ripples breaking the surface of the water, but after a moment, it became apparent that something – or someone – was moving out there. Kay stood up hopefully, straining his eyes to see something in the dark water. "Jay…?"

"Whoo!" a familiar voice cheered happily. "Man, that was some show, huh?"

"Jay!" Kay cried, quickly taking hold of his partners hand and hoisting him on deck. "How'd you ever manage to survive that?"

"I jettisoned," Jay answered simply, wringing out his clothes as he stepped into the boat.

"But we would have seen you…I mean…"

Jay held up his wrist watch. "Invisibility mode, remember? Gives me some protection against flying debris. Told you it'd come in handy someday!"

Elizabeth sighed a breath of relief. "We thought we'd lost you."

"Me? No, I'm too pretty to die."

Before he could stop himself, Kay threw his arms around Jay and squeezed him as tightly as he could. "Glad you made it, partner," he whispered.

"'Partner'? Not 'kid,' 'junior,' or 'slick'? Hm. Yeah, I could get used to 'partner,'" Jay said. He looked quizzically at Kay. "Kay, what's that running down your face?" Jay asked, pointing to Kay's tears. Kay wiped them away, stood up straight and resumed his normal expression.

"Some debris got in my eye. C'mon kid, lots of paperwork to fill out," Kay said as he turned the boat on and began to take them all out of New York harbor and back to the MiB. Back to business as usual. Jay sank down on a seat.

"Man, I hate paperwork…"

Jay bounded off the boat as soon as they were tied up to the dock back at MiB, eager to change out of his wet clothes. Kay slipped the keys into his pocket and was about to exit the boat when Elizabeth took some papers out of her back pocket. She looked at them with some surprise.

"I didn't know I had these with me," she said.

"What are they?"

She looked up at him. "The divorce papers." They were both silent for a moment, letting reality sink back in, not daring to even let a thought enter their heads.

"So…what should we do with them?" Kay asked with a note of dread in his voice.

"I don't really know…" Elizabeth said slowly. "I guess if there's a decision to be made…it has to be made right here. Right now."

Kay smiled nervously. "You know…I…I'm not the greatest decision maker in the world, Liz."

"Well, I'm not the best either. I've made mistakes in the past," she said quietly, looking down at the crumpled papers in her hand. "But a lot of things have changed in the past two days. A lot of things."

"Yeah," Kay concurred softly. She looked up at him searchingly, seeking an answer in his gaze. He shook his head. "Its all on you, kid. You lead and I'll follow."

Elizabeth continued to look him in the eyes for a moment, a small smile creeping onto her lips, then suddenly threw the divorce papers into the air, letting them soar and finally sink to the bottom of the harbor. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and smiled at him. "Well, you always were a good dancer."

Kay laughed, feeling happier than he'd felt in a long time. He pulled her close and kissed her deeply before hoisting her up on the dock, only to be met by Zed waiting at the end of the pier. Kay felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he remembered Zed still wanted to have a "talk" with him.

"Look Zed, I can explain – " he started.

"No need," Zed interrupted. "I know the whole thing. Aliens, kidnapping, a night of passionate love making – "

"Zed!"

"Sorry. But I wanted to speak to both of you about something important."

Kay hung his head low. "I know I wasn't following procedure when I wouldn't fulfill my legal obligations before I returned to MiB, but you see – "

"It doesn't matter now," Zed said, waving it off. "In fact, that could prove to be beneficial to us." They all began to walk slowly back to headquarters. The stars shone brightly in the night sky, for the first time in seemingly years, Kay noticed. "We're thinking about instating a new relocation program. New York is getting crowded. We wanted to pick both a life form and a location that were safe." He turned to both of them. "A botanist and an MiB agent could be very useful to this project…"