DISCLAIMER: Gosh, am I sick of writing these things. NOT MINE NOT MINE NOT MINE NOT MINE!!!
CHAPTER FOUR
It is important in this chapter to understand and contemplate the word vast.
Let us also explore the definition of canyon. A canyon is a big-ass hole in the earth, most often with a river or stream running along the bottom, as did the canyon that was in Janice's purse. Vast would be very applicable not only to the Purse Canyon, but the social worker's gaping mouth, no longer glossed, but fast chapping and drying from the wind and dust and dirt that was flying up and out of the enormous hole. Lucky for her that she'd tried a new sort of mascara that had turned out rather lumpy, or she may have been blinded.
Yes, it was a very windy day at The Canyon in Janice's Purse, and her lashes were soon crusted with dust.
Now… how on earth did the Grand Canyon get in my purse? she thought numbly. Being the terribly clever and nimble-minded person she was, the Weasley children did not once come to mind. It had to be her vitamins, or that mystery horse pill that had come in the same package. She regretted that that morning she'd thrown caution to the wind and ordered an extra shot in her cappuccino. She was oblivious to the people around her who were running about in a panic, getting belted by tiny pieces of office odds and ends. She was unable to hear their screams over the roaring wind. She could only stare into the canyon, watching the contents of her purse fall down and down and down, until they were washed away by the river.
Just then Hercules Lockhart galloped into the room, glanced bravely around, dove at Janice, taking her purse and with some effort clasping it shut. Paper clips and pencils flying around the office fell immediately to the floor. The roar of the wind was cut off.
Hercules panted heavily and threw his ponytail over his shoulder, replacing some stray hair around his ears. He whipped out his handkerchief and dabbed at his face. Janice brought her hand to her chest. She didn't notice, but the chunk of god-knows-what had fully dried and fell to the floor. All the other office Muggles, the ones who hadn't managed to find a door and run for the hills in their panic, stood round silently, not quite knowing what to do.
A little red-headed girl streaked passed them, calling out the names of her brothers. They appeared from around the bend and there was a collision. Four children were lying dazed on the floor.
"Ugh," breathed Fred as they helped each other up.
"You!" Hercules yowled, charging forward, accusing finger outstretched. He bared his teeth at one of the twins and repeated, "You!"
The twin cringed. "George, hand this bloke a mint, will you?"
George obliged. Mr. Lockhart's lip curled as he knocked it rather violently out of George's hand.
"Ow!" George cried indignantly.
"Really," said Fred angrily, stepping forward, "What is your problem?"
"George was only trying to help," said Ron.
"Really, Mr. Lockhart, I wasn't lying about your breath," Ginny said sweetly.
Hercules turned to face the Muggles. "These little hellions are responsible for the destruction of our office!"
The Muggles gasped.
"Us?" said Ron innocently, "But we're only children."
"We can't help it," said Fred, "living in properties and all."
"It's poverty, you daft little donkey-cake!" Mr. Lockhart snapped, trembling with anger.
"I would appreciate it if you didn't talk to my brother like that."
"Oh yes?" said Hercules, spinning around to George again, "and what is a little piggy b.m. like you going to do about it?"
"Relax, already," replied George, taking a step back, "Read somewhere a lot Muggle women wish they had more room in there handbags-"
"So we thought we'd help her out," Fred finished.
"Bull pucky!"
"That spring water," Janice muttered, her eyes unfocused, "I never did trust that bottled rubbish. Lord knows what they really put in it… spring water…"
"Look here!" roared Hercules, "Look what you've done to the poor woman! Anastasia! Anastasia! Ana- blast, where is that useless secretary of mine?"
Then suddenly a look came over the smooth and radiant face of Mr. Hercules Lockhart. The corners of his mouth upturned into a smile of pure evil. He looked dangerously pleased as he said to the children, "Why, I suppose I don't even need to tell my sec-" He stopped abruptly and gave an evil eye to his coworkers, still frozen where they stood. "-what are all of you staring at?" he barked, "get back to work, why don't you?"
The Muggles scattered.
If Janice Wilson's mind had not shut off completely at this point, she may have noted (though probably not) that Mr. Hercules Lockhart was no longer looking like the epitome of dreamboat. Scary troll was more like.
"Come along," said Mr. Lockhart to the children, "we're leaving."
Ron snorted. "We're not going anywhere with the likes of you."
"Yes, yes you certainly are. We can go the easy way-" He paused dramatically, drawing a breath and puffing out his chest, "-or the hard way."
Fred and George feigned fear.
"Goodness, Fredsie!" George cried, "Looks like we've got no choice but to go with him!"
"It's true, Georgie! Oh what are we ever to do? Three wizards and a witch are surely no match for a highly powerful Muggle!"
"I AM NOT A MUGGLE!" shrieked Mr. Lockhart. "And if you know what's good for you, you'll step into my office this instant!"
Grins broke across the faces of the Weasley twins; grins so malicious that they put Lockhart's to shame. They glanced sideways at each other and one stepped forward and cleared his throat, turning to his sister and brother.
"Well, Ron, Ginny…" he began diplomatically, "Fred and I have just discussed -at length- what is to be done. We are the eldest, and more specifically, I am the eldest, and we have decided that it would be in our best interest to go along and do whatever Mr. Lockhart says-"
"Oh, leave off with the Percying," said Ginny. "We all know you just want to mess with him."
"Ginny! Don't spoil it!" Ron elbowed her.
"Not that I object," Ginny assured him, "I mean I'll be the first to admit the man is a ogre-"
"AN OGRE!?" Lockhart growled, proving Ginny's point.
"Come on, fall in," George ordered, and the three lined up behind him in order of age. "Don't worry, Mr. Lockhart I've got them under control. Lead the way."
"You first," Hercules sniffed indignantly.
After he had sat them down and retold his captivating tale of enchanted hair curlers, he gazed expectantly down at them, much like he'd done to Ginny earlier.
"That is horrible," Fred declared, "Please except my heartfelt apology for my father's inexcusable and atrocious behavior."
"The nerve of him!" George added venomously.
"A disgrace!" said Ron.
"Dear God," Ginny offered flatly.
Mr. Lockhart's face softened. He smiled serenely at them, shaking his head. "You see? I knew Janice couldn't possibly be correct. I simply knew you couldn't be the horrible little antichrists she made you out to be." As he spoke, he walked in a slow circle around were they sat, until he stood directly behind them. None of the children looked around, lest he see their smiles. "Yes, you're very sorry for what your father did, yes, that's very good, very good-"
Fred felt a hand in his robe, but it happened so quickly he barely had time to flinch- and Lockhart stood in front of them again, holding Fred's wand.
"-but not good enough!" Lockhart threw his head back and proceeded to laugh like a mad man.
"Oh no…" said George under his breath.
"AH HA!" Lockhart gaffawed, dangling it for a split second in front of Fred's face. He went to his desk and dropped the wand in the drawer, locking it with a key and putting it safely in his pocket. "Now, my little cattle-muffins, I'll show you what it's like to have limp and lifeless hair!"
Without warning he sprang forward and grabbed Ginny by the scalp. She let out a yelp and the twins jumped to her rescue, each grabbing one of his arms. Hercules struggled and managed to throw Fred off with his free arm, sending him crashing painfully to the floor- George sank his teeth into Lockhart's hand- he roared but held fast to Ginny's hair. Fred stood and charged forward for another attack but got pummeled with Lockhart's free arm.
Ron stood back, helpless, feeling himself burning inside with anger. He clenched his fists. "You- you leave them alone you- you- you- dickhead!"
And then something very strange began to happened to Mr. Hercules Lockhart's face. His nose turned very red. It began to stretch and enlongate. He let Ginny go, and Fred and George let go of him, awed.
His nose stretched, and it stretched, and it stretched and it stretched and it stretched.
"What is happening!" Lockhart cried out desperately, clutching his nose, now hanging six inches from his face. He bared his teeth, growled, looked to Fred on his left, to George on his right, his penis-like nose wagging back and forth hilariously.
Ron, Ginny, Fred and George were incapacitated with laughter while Lockhart rummaged frantically through a drawer in his desk.
He produced a mirror and gazed into it.
Now, take a moment, once again, to contemplate the meaning of vast.
Vast was the number of people that must have heard Mr. Hercules Lockhart's earsplitting, girlish shriek of terror. Vast was the children's joy as they saw their antagonist witnessing his worst nightmare, and vast was Lockhart's anger. Vast was the children's fear as he snarled, overturned his desk, his strength doubled by his rage, and charged at them.
"I'LL HAVE YOUR HEADS FOR THIS!"
In the next room, vast was the emptiness of Janice Wilson's head, even when the ground beneath her began to shake. She sat at the receptionist's desk, electrically sharpening a pencil down to its stub. She stared at a picture of a sailboat that hung on the opposite wall, spittle collecting in the corners of her mouth. Her sensible heels began to vibrate. A glass paperweight brought her back to consciousness by exploding and shattering everywhere. With that the shaking increased, only differing from an earthquake in that it came in intervals like footsteps.
Suddenly the double front doors flew open with a spray of leaves, dirt, a couple of woodland creatures and a flock of frightened chickens.
"Molly, honey, please…" said a timid voice of a man, "Molly, darling, you should let us handle this- you're very upset, love, let's just calm down, sweetheart-"
"OUT OF MY WAY!" said the stern voice of a woman.
The next thing Janice heard was the ugh of someone being pushed aside, and the woman's voice again, louder, growing closer; a voice that made her stomach flop uneasily: "MRS. JANICE WILKES! WHERE ARE YOU? I HAVE COME FOR MY CHILDREN!"
To be continued. Do I have to change my rating for using the word penis? If so, I guess that proves I'm not capable of writing a story below the rating of R….. but hey, they say penis in E.T. and lots of people under thirteen have seen that. Ho hum. Geez… I also said ass didn't I? Hmm… anyway here is a shameless plug for my other stories:
If any of you readers like Dark fics, please check out my other stories, "Anatomy of a Death Eater," in progress, and the completed (but soon to be revised) "Undone." Creepiness and major angst warning, but I think they're pretty okay. However, if you don't like dark stuff, please do not read them, because I don't want all you innocent Humor fans to find out what a weird, twisted, and sadistic person I really am… ::::giggles::: If you do read them, please review them also. (Ha, like I don't do enough begging within every chapter of those stories).