Hoping for Perennial
Anew. I woke up a new person, totally devoid of all emotion. I knew I had woken up a different person when I gazed up at the Bebop ceiling from my suffocating yellow couch only to feel, numb. My heart, what was left of it, plunged into a dark miasma never to be touched again. I now know that, in fact, this is what is to become of me. I'm emotionless, bare of any feelings toward anyone, anything that I had previously held dear.
goodbye, I'm drowning
"Spike, you're finally awake, sleeping beauty." I sat up from the couch, ignoring what Jet had said, and immediately walked toward my room for my lighter and my cigarettes.
"Spike, what's with your attitude?" Jet bellowed from the doorway, god is he annoying
"Attitude?" I asked back as I lit my lighter and was about to light my cigarette when something caught my eye, the photos.
"Fine." He left my room as I took all three photos and burned them. I watched Jet's and Faye's face contort and melt into darkness, I didn't watch the others burn...I was too absorbed in my cigarette to notice that they had fallen onto the steel floor and turn into a small pile of long forgotten dust and ash.
I sat on my bed for I don't know how long, it didn't matter anyway, life is pointless. I was just getting used to the almost complete silence when Ed stormed into my room with Ein and jumped on the bed.
"Spike person is up!!!" Ed slung her arms around me, I couldn't feel her warmth, I didn't even flinch. Ein barked and sniffed my arm, to make sure that I was actually spike.
"Hello." I said simply as Ed loosened her grip on me and her amber eyes looked into mine.
"Spike what is the matter, are you mad at Ed?" Ed flipped in front of me and her mouth made a perfect o.
"There is nothing to be angry over Ed." I stated as I stubbed out my cigarette into the small dust pile I had accumulated.
"This will cheer Spike-Spike up, Faye is coming home today!!" Ed flipped about the room doing erratic cartwheels and Ein barked and yipped at her heels in equal joy.
How can they be so happy over her?
"Why would seeing that wench make me happy?" I said through clenched teeth, Ed stopped mid cartwheel and looked at me as if I wasn't me.
"Faye-Faye is our friend, Ed misses Faye-Faye and so does Ein and Jet person, don't you?" Her cheeks had become more pink and filled with so much emotion it made me sick.
"I would never miss that bitch. Now go away Ed." I narrowed my eyes at Ed, scaring her into next week. Her eyes softened and Ein lowered his ears as if he had just been punished. Ed walked from the room with her head bowed, she half whispered to Ein
"Spike-Spike isn't coming back Ein." She left my room and in a matter of minutes she was back on her tomato, either trying to or already forgotten the prior events.
I walked from my room to the main room and plopped down on the couch, flipping on the TV to look for any bearable shows. I soon found some random movie and just left it there, I really didn't care if I was watching anything or not, it just didn't matter. I looked to my right and saw Jet come towards me with his arms crossed.
"I'm gonna go get Faye from the hospital, the least you can do is say hello before you two start fighting again." Jet frowned as her waited for my response
"There is nothing to fight over, those times are over Jet, get used to it." I almost sneered as I layed down on the couch, trying my best to take up the entire thing.
"Good, then maybe this ship will be quiet for a change!" Jet retorted futilely I was already ignoring him as he walked into the hangar. I heard the hammerhead take off and Ed's clicking of her keyboard, Ein's scratching of his ears, only one sound was missing, good I don't want to hear it. I soon drifted into a fitful sleep.
~**~
'Spike, Spike where are you?' I heard Faye cry urgently out into the blanked dark wet sky
'Faye?' I swirled around to try to pinpoint her voice. I began to walk down the puddle splashed road.
'Spike, help me!' I heard Faye shriek, but I didn't quicken my pace or even jump I just kept walking.
'Faye stop already.' I anwered back, even though she might be in actual trouble
'Spiiiiiiiiiiiike!' three gunshots were fired, but still I didn't run or even speed walk, I just walked into an alley, where I saw Faye on the ground, sprawled out dead. I tried look at her in horror, but I couldn't bring myself to feel anything, why couldn't I? Then I heard something from the top of a building.
'Spike you're always too late aren't you?' I saw Vicious covered in his own blood, plummet from the top of the building and fall next to Faye dead on the concrete. I couldn't feel anything, I don't know why, I am too late. Then I heard footsteps come up from behind me, I turned slowly to see Julia there smirking.
'Bye Spike.' She fired the gun and it hits my chest, but I don't feel it, it's like I am already dead.
~**~
That dream scared me. Not only because of the deaths of them or Julia, after all it was just a dream, but because I didn't feel a thing. I guess I have to get used to this more than I originally thought.
Damn they are back. The hammerhead carrying the surprisingly found, intact Redtail. I heard them land shakily and some talking was pushed back and forth. I flipped the channels on the TV to try to find something loud enough to drown those two out. Too late, Jet stepped into the main room shouting and Faye was not too far behind whining.
"The doctors said no bounty hunting and that is final Faye!" Jet shouted back pointing his robotic arm at her.
"Aw c'mon Jet, those doctors are just being safe they don't know me." Faye stuck her nose in the air and her eyes pleaded with Jet. She was doing a damn good job of acting, I would almost bet she was back to normal. I felt a very faint emotion run through me, i wouldn't have thought much of it, but it was a little different from the rest.
"I don't give a damn, I don't want you going and getting hurt and running up another hospital bill this is going to take months to pay back if we save every woolong!" Jet boomed as Faye's lips pressed together in a small circle. Her eyes still lacked that luster though, it was all an act to her and she was stealing the show.
"Whatever Jet." Faye said, seemingly defeated, she looked from the staircase down at me her dead emerald eyes filled with a small form of confusion.
"Hey there lunkhead you haven't said a thing yet." She looked down at me half heartedly, hopefully awaiting a response
"I wonder why..." I got up and walked away from her
"Hey lunkhead I wasn't through talking to you yet!" she got up and began to speed walk towards me. I whipped around, I guess catching her off guard because a small gasp left her lips.
"What do you have to say to me then?" my face was completely blank of any emotion, no irritation, no anger, nothing.
"I...I was just wondering what happened to you." She sputtered out nervously, I narrowed my eyes at her and went back the way I came, pushing her out of my way as I went. Her body thumped against the hull as I pushed her, I didn't mean to hurt her, She'll live, however.
"Spike..." I heard her say with soft silence as she looked at me with an afraid expression over her features.
"Leave me alone Faye Valentine, I don't want anything to do with any of you." I said matter-of-factly, no emotion left my lips, I wouldn't allow it. I heard her walk to her room, I almost felt sorry.
"Spike you didn't have to do that you know, she was just worried about you. Besides you still owe Faye an apology." Jet intervened
"Jet, your opinion doesn't matter to me. It was not my wish for her to save me, therefore, I owe her nothing." I said not even bother to look in his general direction as I went to go get another smoke and to take a nap before dinner. I went back in my room, wondering if I like the person I had become. I guess it didn't matter or, not, this is who I am. I soon fell into a loosened sleep, this time it was devoid of all dream, one of the first times too.
"Spike Ed dinner!" I woke up with a start, I was starving. I went into the main room to see only three plates of food, whats up?
"Hey, where's Faye?" I asked nonchalantly, as I looked at my 'food'.
"Here this should explain it nicely." Jet roughly handed me what looked like a note
If you are reading this note, I am already gone,
never to bother you again. I hope this go around
you will actually have money and food. Bye, and
don't come looking for me this time Jet, I don't
even need to say that to spike.
~Faye
"hmm." I felt a wave of nausea sweep over me like the stroke of a paintbrush. I feel something, I feel guilt... and maybe something else that dwels deep inside of me hidden...Faye.
"Yeah, hmm is right, my hammerhead is missing parts so it can't take off." Jet grumbled as he began to eat. Ed was sitting silently at the table, not even bothering to touch her dinner.
"Ed misses Faye-Faye." Ed frowned as Ein whined. I had enough of this, I was going. I got up and walked to the rotating hallway, while Jet looked at me with a stare of utter confusion.
"Are you going to go look for Faye?" He asked
"No." I said trying to appear emotionless as hints of sorrow try to escape through my pursed shut lips.
"Figures, you know that she might get hurt down there if she is all alone. " It was Jet's turn to appear emotionless
"She'll live, she has a knack for living where she isn't welcome." I knew I had crossed a line I probably shouldn't have, but it was too late to take back the words I didn't mean to say.
"Spike I have had it! If you hate it here so much then why dont you just leave?!" Jet slammed his fist on the table upsetting Ed's and mine food plates. Ed just stared down at the floor silently agreeing with what Jet said.
"I don't know why I stay." I couldn't think of anything else at the moment. Why do I stay, why do I keep returning to this place when it seems like the only thing I try to do is leave? I stand up abruptly, Jet continued to eat and Ed and Ein just stared at their plates as I walked in my room and sat down hard on my bed. I sighed deeply as my hand propped up my head on my forehead. I looked down to see the ash of the photos. I poked at it, revealing a remnant of a face, Vicious. I looked at it for a moment, studying it trying to figure out why when I look at it I am not angry or enraged, I just see him. I should feel angry at him I should feel compelled to dice his body into little pieces after what he did, he killed my love.
Why don't I feel angry?
I do feel angry, but not at Vicious I feel angry because I don't feel angry at Vicious and I don't know how to justify it! I almost growl out loud, I take off my shirt and jacket and put on my Tshirt I wrap my hands in tape and walk nonchalantly, ironic to how I feel inside, to the fighting room. I see the punching bag idly taunting me. I swing my right fist hard into the leather surface, I am rewarded with a hard thud noise as the punching bag swings to the rhythm of my anger. Right hook, Left jab, Left back kick, Right upper swing kick. I circle my beaten adversary like a water embodied banshee. I duck and punch the bag as if I was actually facing a worthy opponent, I see nothing, I feel nothing, I taste nothing but the fight. Left jump kick, right roundhouse, right powerhouse, triple left jab, Jump circle kick. I backflip as I face the once proud punching bag. And with one fatal blow a, mighty standing power-kick, the bag goes flying off its chain onto the floor with a sickening thud. The thud rang throughout bebop, like the gonging of a great church bell.
I fall on my back over onto the ground and face the steel ceiling. Sweat drips down my face as I gaze in an unfamiliar trance, I know just then, I let go. I just let go of everything, all my anger, my torment, my anguish even, my love towards Julia, I just let it all fly into the wind like she did. And you know what, it felt good. Now I know why Vicious felt so tall when he shot Julia, he had done the same thing I had just done, let it all go. I didn't move I didn't want this to end, I will just lay here until I can aquire enough strength to stand up and try again. Lucky for me though I think I already know how to begin.
Dust yourself off Cowboy…