Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places
thereof
*****
"Elrohir!" Elladan had not the time to think before he acted, but ran to the river and dived, splashing into the deepest string of the river. He wasted no time but straightened his body and swam with the current, moving faster than the current, or any debris it might carry--or any Elves caught in the flow.
The cold of the water against his skin cooled Elladan's temper, his anger ebbed, and all he could think of was Elrohir. If he failed to help his brother, did not reach him in time, Elladan might. . .he might lose something. . .an important part of him. His other half, his better half, would leave for Mandos' Halls, and it would be entirely his fault.
Not only the fault nagged at Elladan. Sometimes he mistreated his family, he knew that. In his anger at his father he hurt his mother and his brother, yet they had not left him, never abandoned him. Now, because of his brashness and complete lack of self-control, he would take from his mother her one good son, the boy she looked upon with pride. Elrohir would be gone, and CelebrÃan's heart would break.
Elladan would not let that happen.
Adrenaline spurred him on as he ran out of air, and nevertheless remained below the surface, pounding through the water for all he was worth. Ahead he could see the slowly sinking body of his twin, and that too served to spur him forward, until at last Elladan had descended to a point at which he was even with his brother, then he was holding his twin, dragging him up to the surface, back to the air. . .
Elladan's lungs were burning as he gulped in air, trying to keep Elrohir's head above the water. The younger boy had swallowed water and been with out air long enough to pass out, which Elladan counted as luck: if Elrohir had been struggling, fighting the current would be more difficult. Holding Elrohir in the style best known as "the buddy tug" or "deadman's float," Elladan swam in a diagonal, with the current and to the shore.
With effort Elladan dragged both halves of his sopping self onto the stone ground. He collapsed for a moment against the rock floor, his chest heaving to take in air, hardly able to believe he was alive, hardly able to believe what had just happened. Then it hit him: "Elrohir!"
Leaning over his twin, Elladan held his fingers below Elrohir's nose and began to panic: Elrohir was no breathing. "What do I do?" Elladan asked aloud. "What do I do?" He felt Elrohir's chest, then pounded him where his heart ought to beat, hoping this was the right thing.
Elrohir coughed. Elladan watched him, mouth open, staring intently. "Go on, do it again," he whispered. Elrohir cough, and kept cough, water spilling from his mouth. He leaned onto his side and a waterfall spilt forth. Elladan screamed with joy. "Elrohir, you are all right! Elrohir, you're alive!"
Elrohir gave his brother a withering look. "What else would I be?" They both laughed at this.
"Come on," Elladan said, standing. Elrohir tried to stand, but fell; his brother caught him. "All right. . .then we will just start a fire here. Tomorrow, when the sun is out, we will make our way home." Already the moon was rising.
Together the twins limped away, until they came across a space big enough to constitute a small clearing, a place where they could start a fire to keep away the dark and the cold--both boys were wet and neither had a tunic. Elladan rested Elrohir against a tree and set about clearing a space for their fire. "How will we start a fire?" Elrohir asked weakly.
"Flint, I found it lying on the ground," Elladan answered, arranging sticks to burn. He found one large branch, three feet or so, but not enough for a large fire. "My dagger is steel. Hm. If I had any oil, this might make a decent torch." Drawing his dagger, luckily now dry, Elladan struck a spark upon the wood, teased it with leaves, and at last had a small blaze going.
"Lucky you did not lose the knife," Elrohir commented.
"Not luck, Brother," Elladan replied. "Look. I loop this bit of leather around the hilt here, this bit here, and the dagger is stuck."
Elrohir smiled. "Lucky my brother is so clever."
"Now do not start with that, Elrohir! I never was the clever one, that was you, and rightly: you are clever enough for the both of us. I can work to understand but I'm not smart like you. I am strong, and swords come naturally to me. I am a warrior, but anyone can be a warrior. You, Elrohir, you are truly special. You have a mind! Father loves you for it and well he should. If I was our father, I would love you the more for your mind."
Elrohir shook his head. "You are so wrong on so many counts: how may I address them all?"
"You may address them slowly and I shall wait," Elladan replied.
"All right. To begin with, I am no natural mind. I struggle to meet Father's expectations because I feel I must prove myself again and again to him. He loves us both, Elladan. He loves us both but he knows my flaws and cannot see yours! You think it is easy to study with your father, to have him know every mistake you make? I want to be perfect for him. I want to be perfect so that he will love me half as much as he loves you. Do you know how this feels? Can you conceive of how it feels to work to fit into the profile set for you, because that's the only way to be loved, and to fall short again and again? Do you know how it feels when everyone thinks you are smart, and inside you are actually really, really stupid? Do you know what it's like to have been pretending so hard and for so long, you forget who you really are? No, you don't know, because you don't care! You don't care what anyone thinks of you, and you're free, and I would give everything I have to be you right now!"
"I--"
"I was not yet finished."
Elladan was completely taken aback by this. Did Elrohir truly feel this way, did he know that Elladan felt the same? "I apologize. Go ahead."
Elrohir took a deep breath. "Every day I try to look out for you. I put aside my anger and frustration to look after you. Why are you never the big brother? Why do you never care about someone else? Do you know how much I love you, how much our parents love you? Why do you hurt us all so much? Why are you never happy? Can you not see that you have everything?"
After that neither of them spoke for a while, but they sat watching the fire crackle and snap. At last Elladan leaned his head against his brother's shoulder and said, "I always thought you had everything." Elrohir said nothing. "I love you, Elrohir."
Elrohir had fallen asleep. Elladan hoped he knew.
*****
"Elladan?" Elrond stood outside of his son's door, not willing to enter the room uninvited. "Elladan, you. . .I know you are angry right now, I respect that, but we need to talk. We never talk anymore, Elladan. . .but the love is there. Elladan. . .will you let me be your father again?" There was no response.
Elrond nodded sadly. "I thought you might say that," he muttered, and walked away. Cursing himself, he realized how terribly ruined his relationship with his sons was. Reflection forced itself upon him, and when he fell beside his wife in bed he spoke no word, but she knew. She always knew. "Oh, Cel, what have I done?" Elrond whispered to the darkness.
CelebrÃan put her arms around her husband and held him, then whispered, "Nothing. You have done nothing you can not fix."
*****
To be continued
*****
"Elrohir!" Elladan had not the time to think before he acted, but ran to the river and dived, splashing into the deepest string of the river. He wasted no time but straightened his body and swam with the current, moving faster than the current, or any debris it might carry--or any Elves caught in the flow.
The cold of the water against his skin cooled Elladan's temper, his anger ebbed, and all he could think of was Elrohir. If he failed to help his brother, did not reach him in time, Elladan might. . .he might lose something. . .an important part of him. His other half, his better half, would leave for Mandos' Halls, and it would be entirely his fault.
Not only the fault nagged at Elladan. Sometimes he mistreated his family, he knew that. In his anger at his father he hurt his mother and his brother, yet they had not left him, never abandoned him. Now, because of his brashness and complete lack of self-control, he would take from his mother her one good son, the boy she looked upon with pride. Elrohir would be gone, and CelebrÃan's heart would break.
Elladan would not let that happen.
Adrenaline spurred him on as he ran out of air, and nevertheless remained below the surface, pounding through the water for all he was worth. Ahead he could see the slowly sinking body of his twin, and that too served to spur him forward, until at last Elladan had descended to a point at which he was even with his brother, then he was holding his twin, dragging him up to the surface, back to the air. . .
Elladan's lungs were burning as he gulped in air, trying to keep Elrohir's head above the water. The younger boy had swallowed water and been with out air long enough to pass out, which Elladan counted as luck: if Elrohir had been struggling, fighting the current would be more difficult. Holding Elrohir in the style best known as "the buddy tug" or "deadman's float," Elladan swam in a diagonal, with the current and to the shore.
With effort Elladan dragged both halves of his sopping self onto the stone ground. He collapsed for a moment against the rock floor, his chest heaving to take in air, hardly able to believe he was alive, hardly able to believe what had just happened. Then it hit him: "Elrohir!"
Leaning over his twin, Elladan held his fingers below Elrohir's nose and began to panic: Elrohir was no breathing. "What do I do?" Elladan asked aloud. "What do I do?" He felt Elrohir's chest, then pounded him where his heart ought to beat, hoping this was the right thing.
Elrohir coughed. Elladan watched him, mouth open, staring intently. "Go on, do it again," he whispered. Elrohir cough, and kept cough, water spilling from his mouth. He leaned onto his side and a waterfall spilt forth. Elladan screamed with joy. "Elrohir, you are all right! Elrohir, you're alive!"
Elrohir gave his brother a withering look. "What else would I be?" They both laughed at this.
"Come on," Elladan said, standing. Elrohir tried to stand, but fell; his brother caught him. "All right. . .then we will just start a fire here. Tomorrow, when the sun is out, we will make our way home." Already the moon was rising.
Together the twins limped away, until they came across a space big enough to constitute a small clearing, a place where they could start a fire to keep away the dark and the cold--both boys were wet and neither had a tunic. Elladan rested Elrohir against a tree and set about clearing a space for their fire. "How will we start a fire?" Elrohir asked weakly.
"Flint, I found it lying on the ground," Elladan answered, arranging sticks to burn. He found one large branch, three feet or so, but not enough for a large fire. "My dagger is steel. Hm. If I had any oil, this might make a decent torch." Drawing his dagger, luckily now dry, Elladan struck a spark upon the wood, teased it with leaves, and at last had a small blaze going.
"Lucky you did not lose the knife," Elrohir commented.
"Not luck, Brother," Elladan replied. "Look. I loop this bit of leather around the hilt here, this bit here, and the dagger is stuck."
Elrohir smiled. "Lucky my brother is so clever."
"Now do not start with that, Elrohir! I never was the clever one, that was you, and rightly: you are clever enough for the both of us. I can work to understand but I'm not smart like you. I am strong, and swords come naturally to me. I am a warrior, but anyone can be a warrior. You, Elrohir, you are truly special. You have a mind! Father loves you for it and well he should. If I was our father, I would love you the more for your mind."
Elrohir shook his head. "You are so wrong on so many counts: how may I address them all?"
"You may address them slowly and I shall wait," Elladan replied.
"All right. To begin with, I am no natural mind. I struggle to meet Father's expectations because I feel I must prove myself again and again to him. He loves us both, Elladan. He loves us both but he knows my flaws and cannot see yours! You think it is easy to study with your father, to have him know every mistake you make? I want to be perfect for him. I want to be perfect so that he will love me half as much as he loves you. Do you know how this feels? Can you conceive of how it feels to work to fit into the profile set for you, because that's the only way to be loved, and to fall short again and again? Do you know how it feels when everyone thinks you are smart, and inside you are actually really, really stupid? Do you know what it's like to have been pretending so hard and for so long, you forget who you really are? No, you don't know, because you don't care! You don't care what anyone thinks of you, and you're free, and I would give everything I have to be you right now!"
"I--"
"I was not yet finished."
Elladan was completely taken aback by this. Did Elrohir truly feel this way, did he know that Elladan felt the same? "I apologize. Go ahead."
Elrohir took a deep breath. "Every day I try to look out for you. I put aside my anger and frustration to look after you. Why are you never the big brother? Why do you never care about someone else? Do you know how much I love you, how much our parents love you? Why do you hurt us all so much? Why are you never happy? Can you not see that you have everything?"
After that neither of them spoke for a while, but they sat watching the fire crackle and snap. At last Elladan leaned his head against his brother's shoulder and said, "I always thought you had everything." Elrohir said nothing. "I love you, Elrohir."
Elrohir had fallen asleep. Elladan hoped he knew.
*****
"Elladan?" Elrond stood outside of his son's door, not willing to enter the room uninvited. "Elladan, you. . .I know you are angry right now, I respect that, but we need to talk. We never talk anymore, Elladan. . .but the love is there. Elladan. . .will you let me be your father again?" There was no response.
Elrond nodded sadly. "I thought you might say that," he muttered, and walked away. Cursing himself, he realized how terribly ruined his relationship with his sons was. Reflection forced itself upon him, and when he fell beside his wife in bed he spoke no word, but she knew. She always knew. "Oh, Cel, what have I done?" Elrond whispered to the darkness.
CelebrÃan put her arms around her husband and held him, then whispered, "Nothing. You have done nothing you can not fix."
*****
To be continued