Prelude to a Dance War Part two

Rated R: for Adult themes, drunkenness and general naughtiness.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it and don't make any money from this, which may be evident from my writing style.

Author's Notes: Please forgive my French in this piece, it isn't my native tongue and was thrown together mainly through an English/French dictionary so if it sounds like pigeon French I am sorry.

Also a Willy-Willy is a miniature Australian tornado.

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Severus Storms into Zephyre's bedroom and slams down several pages of messy scrawl on the desk in front of her. He looks down at her through the bottom of his ocular orbits and is clearly unimpressed.

'Zephyre, you are surely not seriously contemplating actually posting this are you?'

'Of course, I wouldn't have written it if I didn't intend on posting it. Why?'

Severus scowls darkly. 'You don't honestly think that I would participate in such an activity, even for Dumbeldore, do you?'

Zephyre looks up at him innocently through her (ironically enough) green eyes and smirks. 'From what I have read in various other fanfictions you have nothing to complain about Severus.'

He raises an eyebrow involuntarily. 'Such as?'

'Oh I dunno, sleeping with Hermione Grainger, sleeping with Harry Potter and I may have even come across one involving you and Albus.'

Severus defies nature and pales. 'I think I need a chair.' He mumbles as he uncharacteristically sways like a wino. Slowly he sits uncomfortably on Zephyre's bed behind her desk.

'Are you alright Severus?'

'Must you have divulged that information to me?'

Zephyre, her back still turned to Severus smiles darkly. "I was merely pointing out that while my characterisation of you in this story may appear out of canon I could have done much worse to you. Besides I believe I heard you laughing once or twice.' Zephyre turns and looks at Severus in a McGonagall fashion, over her reading glasses.

Severus for his part is looking rather sheepish. 'Well you did do some amusing things to Black.'

'So do I have your blessing to post this?'

Severus thinks momentarily then relents. 'You do. On the soul condition that you never ever under any circumstances pair me up with Harry Potter or Albus.'

'Deal.' Zephyre shakes his calloused hand then returns to writing her first Hermione/Severus fic.

And now on with the show…

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'How the hell are you supposed to walk in these blasted things?' Sirius was in a raging battle with a strappy black slingback shoe. It appeared that the shoe was winning.

Remus looked up and attempted a grin. He had evidently tried to apply his own makeup and was currently putting every clown ever to shame with his colour.

Severus scowled at these two immature beings and fought with a muggle article of clothing which he couldn't decipher as a top or skirt. It could have been both, either or neither. It was so short that Severus wasn't sure if it wasn't something that you were supposed to fold up into a decorative headband. Nevertheless he had somehow managed to get it over the one leg, but it then became tangled in his silky dark boxers and he was hopping around the room like an one-legged frog. One's balance can only last so long; and Severus, unaccustomed to acting in such a manner in the first place was destined to not last long. He lost his centre of gravity and arms flailing about hopelessly crashed heavily into Sirius Black who was still fighting a losing battle with the dark slingback. Sirius fell immediately into Remus who had been attempting to apply mascara. Not knowing what hit him the mascara left a trail up his eyelid, through his eyebrow and came to an abrupt halt halfway up his forehead. All three men hit the floor, hard. Limbs went flying about like the final stacks-on at the end of a playful boyish rumble.

The door on the far side of the usually unused room opened and Minerva McGonagall stepped in, looked at the scene of chaos before her and badly attempted to cover her mirth. 'Well nice to see that left to yourselves that chaos didn't ensue.' She grinned broadly, her Scottish brogue a little thicker than usual.

Sirius, Remus and Severus apparently ignored her.

'What the bloody hell were you trying to do Snape?' Sirius growled into the pile.

Remus, unfortunately being at the bottom of the pile did nothing but groan painfully.

'I encountered some misfortune with what I think is a muggle article of clothing. Why Black? Did you believe that the potion had turned and you were finally winning your fight with that shoe?'

A groan came from the vicinity of Remus.

'I was evidently closer to winning against this shoe than you were against… whatever that thing is.'

'Dogs in shoes, no wonder your mangy self can't get that thing on. Your canine self was panicking and it appears to be considerably prominent.'

Sirius growled involuntarily and Remus grinned temporarily before groaning again as someone shifted their weight, pushing their elbow sharply into his gut.

'Snakes in skirts.' Sirius said using the deepest morsels of his voice box. 'Is it a contradiction in terms or a reversion to the natural state?'

Severus, Remus and Minerva stared at Sirius quizzically. That comment obviously only making sense in his own mind.

The silence was broken by a very loud howl coming from Remus. 'Who is wearing Silver?' he choked out as he was recoiling away from a tangled limb.

'Sorry' Severus replied. 'It is my wristwatch.' Snape slowly untangled himself from the pile and shook out the aches. He then removed the aforementioned watch.

Sirius then also slowly stood up untangling himself from Remus, who was holding one arm gently, a burn mark the shape of a circle evident near his wrist.

'Are you alright Remus?' Minerva walked briskly over to her former student and Co-worker.

'Fine thankyou Minerva. May I ask why you are here?'

'Yes' Severus added, apparently less than impressed. 'It hardly seems appropriate that you are here with us.' he gestured at his lack of clothing.

Minerva regarded Severus over the top of her glasses and smiled gently. "It's nothing I haven't seen before Severus.'

Sirius and Remus smirked; Severus nearly choked on his saliva.

Minerva's smile widened. 'Albus asked me to gather up my fellow female staff and find out if you need some assistance. Don't look so terrified Sirius I did not include Sibyl Trelawney in this, she would extract more enjoyment out of this than she does in regularly predicting Harry Potter's untimely death I should think. Hyacinth Sprout and Maryanne Sinistra will join me momentarily. Now where do I start with you three?' Minerva looked around the room distastefully and started muttering to herself, accent thicker than porridge. 'Yer wud thunk it were a pubscent lads ro'm.'

Severus, Sirius and Remus attempted in vain to clean themselves up.

'I wouldn't bother gentlemen.' Minerva's voice slowly revealing the mischief usually contained in her eyes. 'We will be starting with the bare essentials. No Sirius that does not mean I wish to see your buttocks. Each of you sit down whilst remaining in your boxer shorts please.' The teacher tone had returned.

The boys quickly obliged. Severus rid himself of the evil weird band of something unknown, Sirius vowed he would return to the slingback and Remus attempted to rid himself of the mascara mark by smudging it with his hand.

'Hello Minerva.' Hyacinth and Maryanne giggled at the condition of the three men sitting before Minerva.

'Ladies,' Sirius stood up and attempted his most charming grin. 'I really don't think it is necessary to assist us. I believe we can manage on our own.'

Severus and Remus nodded emphatically.

'Sirius, sit down.' Minerva said savagely. ' If that slingback were something deadly, you would be well into your next life by now.'

Severus sneered and Remus smothered what sounded suspiciously like a snort.

Minerva, Hyacinth and Maryanne each held their wand out to Severus, Remus and Sirius respectively.

'Now this won't hurt a bit.'

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Sirius didn't really look much like himself as he walked toward the agreed apparition point. Most of his body hair was now gone and his scraggly mane had been controlled into sleek kiss-me curls. His face had been glamoured beyond recognition. The boys had protested at first at their faces all being changed so dramatically, but McGonagall had reasoned that girled up versions of Sirius Black, Severus Snape and Remus Lupin would go down like a bag of rotten pumpkins with the Death Eaters. So Black had been plucked and brushed up until he became Miss Honey Belicked.

The name alone made Sirius want to heave.

He shook his kiss-me curls roughly. 'Who would have thought that women and trannies were so sado-masochistic?'

'You do realise Miss Honey Belicked that speaking to oneself is the first sign of madness.' The person formally known as Remus Lupin released himself from the shadows. His golden hair was longer and teased in a Brittany Spears fashion. His features were more feminine as was his voice and he didn't seem at all impressed. Carrying a blow up plastic pink backpack over his shoulders he was scowling at the Baby Spice sneakers that he was evidently having some trouble walking in. His eyebrows were plucked to the point just before extinction, but somehow this only accentuated his grey eyes.

'Yes I do realise this Miss Pussy Galore, but I figure that what we are about to go through is much closer to the madness classification.'

'Fair enough Padfoot. So how are you finding the lack of hair?'

'Bloody awful mate. I'm now chafing in places I didn't know I possessed.' Sirius played with his stockings around the fallen crotch, clearly uncomfortable.

'Now that is saying something, especially coming from a dog animagus.' Severus strode up quite comfortably, carrying a hat bag and overnight bag in the same stylish Jacquard print. He was only recognisable because he was the last to show and the men had observed each other's transformations. Minerva seemed to go a little overboard with Snape's changing, whether it was excessive precaution or pure revenge no one could be sure, not even Minerva herself.

Severus' hair was transformed into long red-gold locks. His ebony eyes were lightened to a Lapiz-lazuli and his aquiline nose was now a little ski-ramp snub. With enough makeup on to cover an impressionist's canvas he looked terribly out of place at the edge of the forbidden forest.

Remus regarded Severus curiously. Sirius was having some rather evil thoughts as to the reason why Snape handled acting female so well.

'Well Miss Amanda Huginkiss, how do you intend to get through this?'

Severus visibly shivered and it wasn't from the cold night air. 'Alcohol and ample amounts of it. Shall we go gentlemen?'

Remus and Sirius nodded forlornly.

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'Bonjour my dears. You must be ze three darrhllings zat Albus zent me.' This creature which may have once been a man kissed Remus and Severus on each cheek. Sirius stood about six feet away and held out his now manicured hand. The little he-she creature took in both of his short stumpy hands and rubbed it affectionately. 'Ah,' it beamed up at Sirius. 'Ve 'av a shy vun 'ere. Zon't vorry my pet, you'll get over zat zoon enough.'

Remus and Severus snickered at the remotest possibility of Sirius ever being considered shy.

The little creature looked over each of them slowly. 'Ve 'av a very good reputation ladies. Dezpite 'oh much I wuv Albus you vill 'av to be up to standard. You vill find accomodation at the Doo Duck Inn, zat is vhere most of ze girls stay.'

Severus' new face managed to look about as unimpressed as his normal face. It was clearly shouting 'Oh joy!' brimming with sarcasm. Remus and Sirius were not far behind.

'I 'av bin most wude. I apwologise ladies. I am Lady Luck (Sirius choked) and wu are?'

The boys introduced themselves in monotone then followed Lady Luck to their fate.

'Wight, 'ere ve arre.' Lady Luck opened up a back door which led straight into an elaborate change room. There were more makeup brushes and pencils than at a cosmetic warehouse. A couple of wigs were mounted on shapeless heads, but it appeared that most of the performers opted for use of their natural hair. Lady Luck gave the boys their own mirror each and they dumped their bags and stretched their feet.

'Wu vill be alright to vear your robes in 'ere, but ve are required to vear muggle clothing on ze floor. Vhile most patronage are magician zhere is ze occazional muggle and discretion is imperative ladies.' Lady Luck walked off towards what appeared to be the front of the club.

'That explains why Dumbeldore required us to bring elaborate muggle clothing. I thought they would provide costumes, which they do judging from that wardrobe over there.' Severus pointed to the far end of the change room where a very large curtain was left open to reveal a vast array of feathers and sequins.

Sirius cringed.

'Ve don' 'av all days ladies.' The he-she creature called from some place unseen.

They followed the rough direction of the voice to find themselves standing at the rear of the be-sequenced chorus line dancing up a willy-willy.

'Ladies! I vud like to introduce wu to ze new dancers. Zis is Pussy Galore, zis is Amanda Huginkiss and zis is our shy wittle Honey Belicked.'

The dancers turned and faced Severus, Sirius and Remus, who were suddenly not feeling very well. One monster of a dancer broke rank, strutted straight over to Sirius and planted a big wet kiss straight on his lips. Sirius was too stunned to do anything.

'Quelle main, quel pinceau dans mon ame a trace D'un objet belle l'image incomparable?'

Severus and Remus, unable to help themselves burst into a fit of laughter at the stunned and oblivious Honey Belicked.

A second dancer flitted over and girlishly slapped the first across the very broad shoulders. "Oh Divine, you shouldn't have done that. He always tries it with the shy ones. I think that would be enough to make Harry Potter quake in fear. I'm Misty by the way. It's nice to meet you Honey.' Misty talked very quickly, almost as if she expected a rebuff for talking for too long. It was hard to tell her age, or even if she was in fact a he or not. There was something rather androgynous about her despite of the makeup and get up. It was most curious.

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The Doo Duck Inn was actually full when the reluctant transvestite musketeers attempted to book it. The person on the front desk had beamed at them with Bugs Bunny teeth and stated that they should try 'the Colonial' down the road. The Colonial had vacancies and by the way Severus' new ski ramp nose lifted at the kitsch decor it was with good reason. It was Colonial by name and apparently hadn't been dusted since its establishment. Sirius sneezed, the water emitted from his eyes causing the mascara to run. Not that he noticed.

'Don't tell me that you are allergic to dust.'

Sirius grinned sheepishly at Severus. 'Always have been'

Severus just rolled his eyes and headed towards his room.

Remus and Sirius followed, trying to absorb their surroundings.

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Three cross dressing wizards sat in a bar.

IT sounded like a joke, and to anyone who knew the wizards hidden under the spells it would have been terribly funny. The wizards themselves may have laughed should anyone have told them they would be in this predicament. Well two of them would have. The third would have looked down his Roman nose at the speaker with evident distaste. But alas, that is where he was, sitting on a stool, tentatively sipping the honey coloured drink in the shot glass before him. It had a curious taste, one that with every droplet to hit your tongue would add another aspect of its flavour. Honey, with a curious mix of spices, it tickled your throat and warmed your insides. Severus, or rather Amanda toyed with the drink, not quite sure of this muggle alcohol. It was nice, but it was strange. And the name Irish Mist did not suit it terribly well. Irish Spice seemed closer to the mark.

Pussy and Honey did not suffer the tentativeness of their fellow dancer and had consumed a bottle without too much effort. Like all good alcohol its impact held off and then smacked like an angry lover.

'This is good ssshi….'

'Honey! Mussst you? Why don't you go shing on stage? I like listening to your voice.'

Sirius raised one eyebrow in a mock Severus glare. "Pussy, are you harbouring secret affections for me?'

Remus, whose intoxicated brain was not fast enough to think of a smart-arsed comeback, decided for physical retaliation. This might have been alright had Sirius not been precariously balancing on the stool with the heels that had been hurting his feet and Remus had not punched so hard. Remus' playful hook impacted with a little too much oomph and Honey was spun on her stool, problem was she had the rails of the seat between the heel and the base of the shoe, so as he twisted he got caught and fell less than gracefully off the stool onto the wooden floor, bringing the stool down on top of him, still wrapped in his shoe.

Severus had finally swallowed the shot glass of amber liquid, looked down at Remus and smiled darkly over the rim of his shot glass. Remus laughed at the mess sprawled on the floor. Sirius wasn't happy; he had broken a nail and now had a ladder in his stocking. He stood up slowly, rearranged his awry boobs, flicked his hair and stomped back to his room.

Remus and Severus despites themselves laughed. Then Remus poured Severus another shot. 'Just down it and quit playing with it would you?'

Severus eyed the drink warily for a moment. Remus watched him amused.

'I didn't poison it if that is what you are wondering'

Severus downed it fast, enjoying the feeling of warmth spreading slowly through to his extremities.

'So Pussy. How does it feel to be a woman?'

Remus laughed. "Frankly I'm happy being a bloke, besides I'm not for all this pruning and preening and crap. I mean having to get rid of every single hair that isn't a translucent blonde? Seems sorta unnatural to me. And all these rules about what you can and can't scratch in public, I say if it is itchy, scratch it.'

Severus laughed the first deep throaty laugh Remus ever heard escape that mouth, metaphorically speaking. It was genuine. Remus looked at Severus with wide-eyed surprise.

'What is it? Yes I do know how to laugh, despite what you and your cronies may have believed to the contrary. I just don't do it often…' Severus voice trailed off and he stared darkly into his empty glass.

'Why?' Remus asked, suddenly feeling very sober despite the amount of alcohol he had consumed.

Severus glamoured blue eyes almost looked black again. 'Laughter has never been a sacred sound in the circles I have associated with, Lupin. To be honest with you Lily's laugh was one of the reasons I loved her so much.' Severus stopped realising he had said far too much. 'Sorry' he mumbled darkly.

Anger welled up in Remus, but subsided as quickly. "It's alright. I think that is part of what a lot of people loved about her, myself included. God I miss her and James.' Remus mirrored Severus' dark glares into the shot glass.

Severus went to say something else, but Sirius strutted up, prim and pristine once more. 'It's time ladies.'

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The hum of the awaiting audience made Honey, Pussy and Amanda suddenly nervous. They has on all the bugging equipment they had been given and had cast a series of spells which meant that they would be synchronised with their fellow dancers despite of their inexperience and drunkenness. It was horrible to find out the hard way that nervousness and alcohol do not sit well on the stomach.

Honey Belicked tottered out in a glittering pair of deadly stilettos, a grinning Misty following.

"I'm not even going to go there.' Thought Severus darkly as an unconscious dark smile erupted across his features. 'If only Harry Potter could see his Godfather now.' Severus said darkly to the mirror, completely missing the irony of his own situation.

The made up creatures stood in line and awaited their cue, Pussy Galore was fidgeting and Amanda kept slapping him across the shoulders in a vain effort to get him to stop. The dancers went out into the bright warm lights and greeted the crowd. Severus looked around for familiar Death Eater faces and was shocked to see so many. He wondered if Voldemort himself wouldn't pop out himself from a tacky tablecloth and do a little jig.

The dancers were amazing, Pussy; Honey and Amanda were amazed at some of the moves and knew their own bodies would make them suffer for it through such unnatural paces. They twirled and belly danced, flipped and did the splits, something Severus pulled off extremely well. Divine managed to slap Sirius across the butt during the last routine, usually it would have constituted a punch in reply, but the alcohol and lights had mellowed Miss Honey Belicked who merely smiled and winked in reply. Remus, despite of the spell his legs were under missed a step and clipped Severus' ankle. Severus then went into something which mildly resembled the twist to keep his balance. Arms flailing wildly, Sirius caught one hand and brought it to his shoulder roughly, catching him just before he would have fallen off the stage and into certain death. "Thanks." Severus growled.

The dancers were permitted to go backstage after the dances to freshen up before coming back to liase with the guests. Amanda, Pussy and Honey grabbed some muscle lotion for their aching calves and feet, changed into outfits that were slightly more modest and headed out to do what Dumbeldore required of them.

The men split quickly and Severus headed straight for the table of Lucius Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle the elder and several other darkly familiar faces. He threw on what he hoped was his best smile. 'Drink, Gentlemen?' He asked looking pointedly at Lucius.

Lucius' eyes glanced over Amanda's body appreciatively and Severus had to stop himself from visibly recoiling.

'No Thankyou.' The sycophants followed suit.

Amanda twirled her hair and went to walk off when she suddenly found herself on Lucius' lap. Lucius gently pulled back some red gold locks to reveal a heavily decorated ear. The others were apparently used to this kind of behaviour as they turned away and continued on what had apparently been an earlier conversation.

Lucius' hand gently ran itself gently down Severus' now far softer features and it took every semblance of Severus' self control from stopping him jumping up and away from those fingers. Severus was far too familiar with what those bare hands were capable of doing to another human being.

'Harry Potter's balls you're hot.' Lucius growled. Severus wondered if that was supposed to be a come on. Slowly Lucius' hand moved down Amanda's face and came to rest on her thigh. 'And what do you call yourself Mon Cherie?' It was gentle, but somehow it perfectly conveyed the underlying danger that was Lucius Malfoy.

Severus shot Remus a quick 'Help Me!' look before turning towards Lucius. "I'm Amanda, and what would be your name Sir?'

'Lucius. Lucius Malfoy.' It was more of a hiss than actual words and Severus felt the grip on his thigh tighten.

'Oh Amanda honey, you don't want to get this lovely specimen of a man in trouble do you?' Remus somehow 'just appeared' at the table. 'You should know better. As for you Lucius, I just plain thought I meant more to you than that.'

Severus smothered a broad grin as he felt the grip on his thigh loosen and looked up to find Lucius staring incredulously at Pussy Galore. Amanda stood quickly and he watched Pussy walk off in a pretend huff. Severus smirked and followed the stalking figure.

'Pussy, how did you do that?'

Remus turned and smiled. 'Isn't throwing your adversary off his game a classic defence tactic?'

Before Severus could say anything in reply, Honey came racing up, looking terrified. 'One silly mischievous stunt and I'm screwed.'

Severus and Remus stared at him, awaiting clarification.

'I need somewhere to hide, like now.' Sirius was heading for the costume wardrobe casting wide-eyed glances at everything he passed.

'What happened to you?' Severus asked in a tone that made it sound like the spells were wearing off.

'I can't shake Divine, that's what.'

Remus smothered a grin whereas Severus couldn't resist. 'Well you always were the self-proclaimed ladies man.' Remus snorted and Sirius glared at him.

'Do we think we have enough information ladies?'

'Definitely.'

'Well lets get back to Dumbeldore, Oh and Honey and Amanda, remind me to tell you who I ran into among the patrons when we get back.'

Finis