"The first time is for what was. Be steadfast. The way back comes but once."
Catieri felt a surge of joy at those words, for she was doing what she had long thought impossible. The air was cool against her naked body, and she shivered a little, though more from nervousness than the slight breeze. She stood at the Arch for a moment and stroked the silver ter'angreal thoughtfully, then stepped inside.
Catieri blinked in the bright sunshine. The stones under her bare feet held the sun's heat, and made her shift her weight from foot to foot. The Hall was assembled here in the courtyard, all of the Aes Sedai wearing their Shawls, every Asha'man in his black jacket and pins and Ajah cord. The Amyrlin and M'Hael stood before her, looking stern and terrible and beautiful. Her own white Novice dress had been taken from her body and lay crumpled on the ground a few feet away, a visible sign of her position. The unseen proof was the shield that held her from grasping saidar.
"Catieri al'Cardyn, former Novice of the Grey Tower. You have been accused and found guilty of conspiring with the Shadow and doing the work of the Dark One. You are hereby sentenced to Stilling."
"No!" Catieri screamed, falling to her knees to plead with the Amyrlin and M'Hael, the Hall, anyone who would listen. "You can't do this! I didn't do it, I wasn't Black Ajah!" Her screams turned to sobs when she felt the Source slide away, unable to even sense it now, and her hands tore helplessly at her hair. "I wasn't," she whispered brokenly.
The way back comes but once.
The room was dark when Catieri awoke. Rolanda was there, as she was always there, and the Domani sister, Liseitha beside her. The two Yellow sisters were Black Ajah, and had held Catieri in their grasp for longer than she could remember. She sometimes thought that Rolanda must have been present at her birth, for she could not recall when she first met the woman. A man stood behind Liseitha Sedai, a hood shadowing his face. Catieri wondered who it was.
"Our Brother is going to Heal you, Catieri," Liseitha purred. A jolt of pain shot up Catieri's spine. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Pain continued to wrack Catieri's body as the Domani woman practiced her favorite hobby on her; sadism.
"Yes!" Catieri cried, unable say anything more.
The way back comes but once.
Catieri struggled to sit up as the man approached her. The pain lessened but did not entirely cease as he reached toward her. Suddenly, a silver light filled the doorway.
The way back comes but once.
The mysterious man was going to Heal her! Catieri would be able to touch saidar again. To touch life itself!
The way back comes but once.
Catieri stared at the silver-limned doorway, wondering why it hadn't caught the others' attention. Possibly Liseitha was too intent on hurting her, but Rolanda did not seem to see it either.
The way back comes but once.
Catieri wrested herself from the man's grasp and launched herself through the doorway. Into the hallway, into....
Into the Arches room. Catieri reached for the Source, realized it was no longer there. She had indeed been Stilled! She sobbed as the water poured over her head.
"You are washed clean of what sin you may have done, and of those done against you. You are washed clean of what crime you have committed, and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul."
The Aes Sedai in the room realized soon enough what had happened and tried to stop her as she ran to the next Arch. She heard the ceremonial words ring out behind her just as she dove inside.
"The second time is for what is. Be steadfast. The way back comes but once."
Catieri blinked in the bright sunshine. The stones under her bare feet held the sun's heat, and made her shift her weight from foot to foot. She embraced the source and channeled threads of Air to cool herself. She reveled in the joy of saidar for a moment longer before letting it go with a soft sigh. When she reached the Shawl, she wouldn't have to take such steps anymore; Aes Sedai ignored heat and cold and all the rest of the weather. She glanced down at the colored bands on the hem of her white dress and wondered bitterly how long that would be.
Turning her attention back to her vigil, Catieri gazed down into the courtyard once more. There! Chialla Sedai had just stepped into the courtyard and was looking straight back at Catieri. The Aes Sedai beckoned her to follow and headed off toward the channeling yard. Cat slipped her shoes back on and flew down the steps, determined not to keep Chialla Sedai waiting.
Once in the channeling yard, Catieri followed Chialla's instructions, embracing saidar and weaving thin threads of Fire into patterns. Fire was Catieri's weak point, and the Aes Sedai worked on her daily to try to improve her ability with it. She didn't really mind the exercises, as practicing them gave her an excuse to hold saidar.
The way back comes but once.
Catieri frowned a little as the weave dissolved. She had thought she heard something, and it distracted her. She began again, this time making a slightly different shape with the threads. The flows were no thicker than hairs, barely more than the trickle she had been capable of before all these special lessons. The intricacy of the pattern, though, showed how much good the lessons were doing. The threads returned to their starting point, and Cat tied off the weave, moving aside to allow Chialla Sedai a better view. The woman nodded distractedly, her attention on the book she had pulled out of her pocket. Catieri sighed and started the exercise once more.
The way back comes but once.
Catieri jumped at the sound. She looked around for the source of the voice, but the channeling yard was deserted, which was a little unusual. Chialla Sedai didn't seem to have spoken, or to have noticed if anyone else had.
The way back comes but once.
A silver archway appeared a few paces away. Glancing at the Aes Sedai, Catieri saw that the woman was still engrossed in her book. She took a step toward the strange arch. She couldn't seem to see what lay beyond it, so she took a few more steps to take a closer look. She was still holding saidar when she stepped through.
Saidar faded slowly as Catieri stepped out of the second Arch. Soon enough, she could no longer even sense the Source. She wept anew at the loss and dove into the third Arch, barely waiting for the ritual words to be repeated, the water poured over her body. She ignored the worried looks on the Aes Sedai's faces.
"You are washed clean of false pride. You are washed clean of false ambition," the words intoned. "You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul."
"The third time is for what will be. Be steadfast. The way back comes but once."
Catieri blinked in the bright sunshine. The stones under her bare feet held the sun's heat, and made her shift her weight from foot to foot. She sighed disconsolately and turned her attention back to the broom in her hands. She kept a sharp look out for Aes Sedai or Asha'man who would tell her to put her shoes back on, who would look pityingly at her.
Liseitha Sedai and Rolanda Sedai rounded a corner, and Catieri hurriedly shoved her feet back into her shoes. She swept the stones of the courtyard, head down, hoping they weren't looking for her. Hoping in vain. The two Black Aes Sedai hurried straight toward her, determined looks on both ageless faces.
"Come," Rolanda said brusquely, laying a firm hand on Catieri's shoulder.
The way back comes but once.
They hustled her out of the courtyard, into the Tower, and through labyrinthine corridors to a small room far beneath the main floor. A man sat beside a table, a hood concealing his features. There was a narrow bed in one corner, but no other furniture. The man stood as the three women entered, and moved forward to meet them. He put his hands on Catieri's head, and she could see his eyes underneath the hood. She could suddenly feel the Source again! If the man had been so much as a breath less intimidating than he was, she would have kissed him. As it was, she fainted.
When Catieri awoke, she was not in the same room. This room was larger, though not by much, and there were several people in it. She was propped up on either side by Rolanda and Liseitha, sagging in between them like a rag doll. She straightened up, earning surprised looks from the two Aes Sedai. A man was tied to a table at the other end of the room. Catieri wondered for a moment what they would do to him, but one look at the eager statement on Liseitha's face told her exactly what was going to happen. She felt sick to her stomach.
The way back comes but once.
There was no way to tell who had spoken those cryptic words. There was no time to wonder about it as Liseitha pushed forward enthusiastically, dragging Catieri with her. When they stood next to the table, the woman embraced the Source and directed Catieri to do the same. She began questioning the man, encouraging him to answer with morsels of Power-induced pain until he spoke. Catieri looked around her and noticed a hooded figure watching her from across the table. She wondered idly if it was the man who had Healed her. A moment later, however, she knew it was not. The figure across the table was a myrdraal, one of the Eyeless. Catieri shivered, drawing more saidar as if it merely holding it would warm her.
The way back comes but once.
Catieri looked around this time, trying to place the speaker. She still could not tell who it was, but a strange silver archway had appeared nearby. She looked curiously at it.
"Your turn, Catieri," Liseitha smiled, gesturing toward the whimpering man lying before them. It was a terrifying, feral smile. "You saw the weaves I used. I shall continue to do the questioning."
The way back comes but once.
Catieri knew what would happen to her if she refused. Much the same thing, really, that was happening to this man. She wondered what he had refused to do. The silver archway was there, just steps away, inviting escape. She stared at the man a long moment, drawing yet more saidar, then lunged toward the opening.
Catieri stood in the Arches room, holding the most saidar she had held in her life, her eyes blazing with a dreadful and unholy light. She was furious that Liseitha had tried to make her torture that man, who was probably innocent. She was terrified that it had all been real, and Liseitha and Rolanda and that myrdraal would hunt her down and torture her. She was afraid she would be stilled once more and never again hold saidar. Her eyes flashed.
It was several minutes before she realized what was happening. Several Aes Sedai were curled up on the floor, holding their heads and rocking back and forth. A few were screaming.
Catieri wasn't screaming. Catieri was calm. Coldly, terribly calm. Her eyes landed on the Mistress of Novices and she gradually let saidar slip away. She trembled as the Aes Sedai completed the ceremony, the Amyrlin Seat slipping the Great Serpent ring onto Catieri's finger. The Aes Sedai were shaking, too.
"You are sealed to us now. Welcome, Daughter." the Amyrlin spoke the formula words quietly, uneasily. "Welcome."
Catieri sank to the floor and wept.