A/N: So much craziness!! Wow, really...this is too funny for me.
Wow....good stuff. And the Movie continues!
Disclaimers: Ze same!
[Scene 4: Clarice Starling is sitting at her desk at the FBI building when she is paid an unexpected visit from an old 'friend'.]
[Clarice scribbles some notes down on a piece of paper.
She erases them.
She scribbles something else.
She erases that.
She turns the paper over and writes something else.
She then erases that, too.
Suddenly she hears someone breathing behind her.]
A Mans Voice- "Why, agent starling, you are certainly working hard."
[Clarice spins around in her chair, coming face to face with the man.]
Clarice- "Hello Krendler you ugly sack of monkey feces."
[Krendler pauses.]
[He blinks.]
Krendler- "What was that?"
Clarice- "Nothing. Nice tie."
[Krendler fondles his tie for a few moments. On it is a picture of himself standing naked under a branch of Mistletoe.]
Krendler- "Yeah. I like it too. Mason made it for me last Christmas."
Clarice- "oh that's sweet. It makes me want to puke and then gouge out my insides with the sharp side of a frozen waffle."
[Krendler pauses again.]
Krendler- "Clarice, frozen waffles don't have sharp sides. Waffles are round."
[Clarice picks up her extra large coffee cup and smashes Krendler over the head with it.]
Clarice- "Obviously you haven't fully recovered. I'm surprised you could walk at all, after that oh so sexy king of all things sex, suave-master of the universe, God of the orgasm, Hannibal.... okay I forgot what I was saying."
[Krendler pauses.]
Krendler- "You were talking about the time Hannibal cut open my head and stole my brain."
Clarice- "Aha, yes that's right. Anyway, I'm surprised you could even think after that whole ordeal. I mean he did eat your BRAIN."
[Krendler nods.]
Krendler- "Yes, well, I never used that piece of crap anyway...... " [Krendler freezes, his mouth hanging open and his tongue lolling out.
His eyes roll back into his head, and he falls over.]
Clarice- 0.0 "Umm. Oops?"
[A man wearing a Custodians outfit runs up and hits Krendler with a broom on the head.
Krendler slowly stands up, and stumbles around until he gets his balance.]
Custodian- "He does that from time to time just hit 'em over the head real hard like and hell wake right up"
[The Custodian walks off.]
[Krendler picks up a piece of paper off Clarice's desk.
He looks around for a moment with shifty eyes.]
[Krendler- _ ]
[He stuffs the paper in his mouth, and starts chewing.]
[Krendler- Chew chew chew chew chew crunch gulp.]
[Meanwhile Clarice is just staring at him.]
Clarice- 0.0 "Umm are you hungry? You just ate a letter I was writing to the people who make my coffee. I suggested they start putting 6 shots of Vodka in my morning coffee."
Krendler- "No, actually I'm not hungry. It was high quality paper."
Clarice- [Blinks] "So. Anyway Krendler, what are you doing here?"
[Krendler starts licking Clarices Desk.
He climbs up on her desk and starts running his tongue around on it.]
Clarice- "What the hell?!? They didn't fix you at all, did they?"
[Krendler jumps off the desk and sits in her chair.]
Krendler- "No, actually, they didn't. I've never been able to have kids. The doctor said something about "HES GOT NO GENITALS!" or something like that. Its some disorder that makes it hard for me to you know do the horizontal tango."
[Clarice tries to kill herself by drowning in her coffee.]
[Krendler takes this opportunity to eat another piece of paper.]
[Clarice finally takes her head out of the coffee cup, realizing that there is no more coffee left. She tries to hold her breath until she passes out] .
[Krendler continues to crumple up papers from her desk and stuff them in his mouth.
After several attempts at unconsciousness, Clarice gives up.]
Clarice- "Krendler, just tell me what your doing here!"
Krendler- "I came to tell you this; We have reports that Dr. Lecter is back in the US, possibly in the area."
[Clarice gasps.]
Clarice- "GASP!"
[Clarice gasps again.]
Clarice- "GASP!"
[She continues to gasp for several more minutes.]
[Krendler takes out a Yo Yo and plays it with for a while. He's very bad at it, and by the time he's done, there is a multitude of fresh bruises all over his face.]
Clarice- "Really? He's back? Here? In the US? Is he still sexy?"
[Krendler pauses again.]
Krendler- "Well I shouldn't be telling you this, but, several female operatives of mine have reportedly sighted Hannibal in the last week, and none of them have come to work. It seems that they all overdosed on sexahol. I can't explain it, because it's a lot of that complex medical crap."
[Clarice immediately begins to comb her hair, and puts on enough makeup to make her look like a blind French whore who doubles as a mascot for Skittles. .
(Legal Disclaimer: The phrase "French whore" and all insults derived from it are property of Holly G, as are all rights pertaining to the use and distribution of the phrase. Any misuse of the phrase "French whore" is punishable by death.)]
[Clarice pauses and reads the legal disclaimer.]
Clarice- "Hey this is my fucking story you cant tell me wha-" [A strange little girl flies out of nowhere making ninja noises, flies by Clarice's head, and then disappears.
Somehow, there is a little yellow post-it note stuck to Clarice's forehead.]
[Krendler blinks.]
Krendler- "I swear to god I had nothing to do with that!"
[Krendler grabs three more papers of her desk and then runs off.]
[Clarice pauses, then pulls off the post-it note.]
[She reads it out loud:]
Clarice- 0.o "What the hell 'Dear Clarice, I would never hurt you, but seriously. Get your own damn material. French whore is not even funny. It is very derogative towards all those hard working French whores out there. Have a little respect. Hannibal could be French you know. Love, Holly. P.S. YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME!' wow that is odd."
[Clarice sticks the note in a plastic FBI crime scene evidence bag and saves it for later.]
Clarice- "Now back to more important issues! HANNIBAL!"
[Clarice dashes out of her office, and sprints for her car.
On her way there, she runs into Crawford.]
Crawford- "Hey Clarice! Where are you going!? You are still at work, you know!"
[Clarice barrels into him and shoves him to the ground.]
Clarice- [gasps] "Cant stop now! Must find sex!"
[Clarice runs to the parking lot and jumps into her car.]
Clarice- "AHH Hannibal is here! And I don't have any bras! He's going to think I'm some kind of French whore!"
[Holly appears in the seat next to Clarice, and slaps Clarice's forehead, then disappears.
There is another Post-it note stuck to Clarice's forehead.]
[She pulls it off and reads it out loud.]
Clarice- "Dear Clarice, YOU WHORE! Stop using my word! Love, Holly. P.S. Call me sometime P.S.S. adopt me sometime."
[Clarice blinks.]
Clarice- 0.o "Is it possible to be stalked by a sexy cannibal, a ninja- like teenager, a fish-catching Amazon, and Paul Krendler and still lead a normal life?"
[Suddenly holly appears on Clarice's hood.
She breathes onto the windshield, making a little foggy spot.
She takes her finger and writes 'NO, it isn't. P.S. I can tell I'm growing on you'.
Then she disappears.]
Clarice- "I bet my mom was doing all sorts of drugs when I was born."
[Clarice pulls out of the parking lot, and drives off.]
Disclaimers: Ze same!
[Scene 4: Clarice Starling is sitting at her desk at the FBI building when she is paid an unexpected visit from an old 'friend'.]
[Clarice scribbles some notes down on a piece of paper.
She erases them.
She scribbles something else.
She erases that.
She turns the paper over and writes something else.
She then erases that, too.
Suddenly she hears someone breathing behind her.]
A Mans Voice- "Why, agent starling, you are certainly working hard."
[Clarice spins around in her chair, coming face to face with the man.]
Clarice- "Hello Krendler you ugly sack of monkey feces."
[Krendler pauses.]
[He blinks.]
Krendler- "What was that?"
Clarice- "Nothing. Nice tie."
[Krendler fondles his tie for a few moments. On it is a picture of himself standing naked under a branch of Mistletoe.]
Krendler- "Yeah. I like it too. Mason made it for me last Christmas."
Clarice- "oh that's sweet. It makes me want to puke and then gouge out my insides with the sharp side of a frozen waffle."
[Krendler pauses again.]
Krendler- "Clarice, frozen waffles don't have sharp sides. Waffles are round."
[Clarice picks up her extra large coffee cup and smashes Krendler over the head with it.]
Clarice- "Obviously you haven't fully recovered. I'm surprised you could walk at all, after that oh so sexy king of all things sex, suave-master of the universe, God of the orgasm, Hannibal.... okay I forgot what I was saying."
[Krendler pauses.]
Krendler- "You were talking about the time Hannibal cut open my head and stole my brain."
Clarice- "Aha, yes that's right. Anyway, I'm surprised you could even think after that whole ordeal. I mean he did eat your BRAIN."
[Krendler nods.]
Krendler- "Yes, well, I never used that piece of crap anyway...... " [Krendler freezes, his mouth hanging open and his tongue lolling out.
His eyes roll back into his head, and he falls over.]
Clarice- 0.0 "Umm. Oops?"
[A man wearing a Custodians outfit runs up and hits Krendler with a broom on the head.
Krendler slowly stands up, and stumbles around until he gets his balance.]
Custodian- "He does that from time to time just hit 'em over the head real hard like and hell wake right up"
[The Custodian walks off.]
[Krendler picks up a piece of paper off Clarice's desk.
He looks around for a moment with shifty eyes.]
[Krendler- _ ]
[He stuffs the paper in his mouth, and starts chewing.]
[Krendler- Chew chew chew chew chew crunch gulp.]
[Meanwhile Clarice is just staring at him.]
Clarice- 0.0 "Umm are you hungry? You just ate a letter I was writing to the people who make my coffee. I suggested they start putting 6 shots of Vodka in my morning coffee."
Krendler- "No, actually I'm not hungry. It was high quality paper."
Clarice- [Blinks] "So. Anyway Krendler, what are you doing here?"
[Krendler starts licking Clarices Desk.
He climbs up on her desk and starts running his tongue around on it.]
Clarice- "What the hell?!? They didn't fix you at all, did they?"
[Krendler jumps off the desk and sits in her chair.]
Krendler- "No, actually, they didn't. I've never been able to have kids. The doctor said something about "HES GOT NO GENITALS!" or something like that. Its some disorder that makes it hard for me to you know do the horizontal tango."
[Clarice tries to kill herself by drowning in her coffee.]
[Krendler takes this opportunity to eat another piece of paper.]
[Clarice finally takes her head out of the coffee cup, realizing that there is no more coffee left. She tries to hold her breath until she passes out] .
[Krendler continues to crumple up papers from her desk and stuff them in his mouth.
After several attempts at unconsciousness, Clarice gives up.]
Clarice- "Krendler, just tell me what your doing here!"
Krendler- "I came to tell you this; We have reports that Dr. Lecter is back in the US, possibly in the area."
[Clarice gasps.]
Clarice- "GASP!"
[Clarice gasps again.]
Clarice- "GASP!"
[She continues to gasp for several more minutes.]
[Krendler takes out a Yo Yo and plays it with for a while. He's very bad at it, and by the time he's done, there is a multitude of fresh bruises all over his face.]
Clarice- "Really? He's back? Here? In the US? Is he still sexy?"
[Krendler pauses again.]
Krendler- "Well I shouldn't be telling you this, but, several female operatives of mine have reportedly sighted Hannibal in the last week, and none of them have come to work. It seems that they all overdosed on sexahol. I can't explain it, because it's a lot of that complex medical crap."
[Clarice immediately begins to comb her hair, and puts on enough makeup to make her look like a blind French whore who doubles as a mascot for Skittles. .
(Legal Disclaimer: The phrase "French whore" and all insults derived from it are property of Holly G, as are all rights pertaining to the use and distribution of the phrase. Any misuse of the phrase "French whore" is punishable by death.)]
[Clarice pauses and reads the legal disclaimer.]
Clarice- "Hey this is my fucking story you cant tell me wha-" [A strange little girl flies out of nowhere making ninja noises, flies by Clarice's head, and then disappears.
Somehow, there is a little yellow post-it note stuck to Clarice's forehead.]
[Krendler blinks.]
Krendler- "I swear to god I had nothing to do with that!"
[Krendler grabs three more papers of her desk and then runs off.]
[Clarice pauses, then pulls off the post-it note.]
[She reads it out loud:]
Clarice- 0.o "What the hell 'Dear Clarice, I would never hurt you, but seriously. Get your own damn material. French whore is not even funny. It is very derogative towards all those hard working French whores out there. Have a little respect. Hannibal could be French you know. Love, Holly. P.S. YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME!' wow that is odd."
[Clarice sticks the note in a plastic FBI crime scene evidence bag and saves it for later.]
Clarice- "Now back to more important issues! HANNIBAL!"
[Clarice dashes out of her office, and sprints for her car.
On her way there, she runs into Crawford.]
Crawford- "Hey Clarice! Where are you going!? You are still at work, you know!"
[Clarice barrels into him and shoves him to the ground.]
Clarice- [gasps] "Cant stop now! Must find sex!"
[Clarice runs to the parking lot and jumps into her car.]
Clarice- "AHH Hannibal is here! And I don't have any bras! He's going to think I'm some kind of French whore!"
[Holly appears in the seat next to Clarice, and slaps Clarice's forehead, then disappears.
There is another Post-it note stuck to Clarice's forehead.]
[She pulls it off and reads it out loud.]
Clarice- "Dear Clarice, YOU WHORE! Stop using my word! Love, Holly. P.S. Call me sometime P.S.S. adopt me sometime."
[Clarice blinks.]
Clarice- 0.o "Is it possible to be stalked by a sexy cannibal, a ninja- like teenager, a fish-catching Amazon, and Paul Krendler and still lead a normal life?"
[Suddenly holly appears on Clarice's hood.
She breathes onto the windshield, making a little foggy spot.
She takes her finger and writes 'NO, it isn't. P.S. I can tell I'm growing on you'.
Then she disappears.]
Clarice- "I bet my mom was doing all sorts of drugs when I was born."
[Clarice pulls out of the parking lot, and drives off.]