A/N: Woo thanks for the reviews! Haha, isn't this fun!? Well, this one
isn't AS funny cause the author was not in the happiest mood (damn his
dad)! But it is till amusing!
Disclaimers: Don't own ANYTHING..except ourselves and our ideas..no we don't own Batman or Robin.or yeah!
Scene 7: Clarice Starling is at her house, eating a peaceful breakfast. (Corn Flakes, milk, and a piece of bread with lint on it. Don't ask how the lint got there, because you'll end up hearing a long tale about Clarice's mother, the brand new carpet, the day she got new shades for her windows, and time the old lady on the street cursed her for dropping a banana on the sidewalk.)
[Clarice crunches away at her Corn Flakes, (which she spiced up with a little Absolute Vodka, of course. Yeah she's cool that way.)
Clarice- "Oh boy, nothing like a little cereal and Russian liquor to get you up and going in the morning!"
Clarice continues to eat her cereal.]
[Outside, a strange dark figure appears on the path leading up to Clarice's front door.]
[Holly is getting into even more mischief. I don't know who it was that sold her the ninja suit, but seriously folks, as If things weren't bad enough! The last thing Clarice needs is a stalker ninja. A Samurai maybe, cause they tend be more mild mannered, and much better cooks, but a ninja? No I don't think so. Might as well just release a live alligator in her bathtub. While she's taking a bath. Yeah. Bad idea, bitch.]
[Ninjaholly runs up to Clarice's front door, and lays package on the ground. She runs to the doorbell and karate chops it.]
Doorbell- "DiNg Dinzzzzppppp"
[Sparks go flying everywhere.]
[Ninjaholly stands there drooling all over the doorstep.]
Ninjaholly- (drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip)
[Clarice walks up and opens the door.
Holly jumps up, licks her face, then runs off down the street, dropkicking the paperboy who was just happening to ride by at the time.]
[Clarice looks around all confused.]
Clarice- "A ninja licked me. I have been licked by a ninja. My cheek, licked by a ninja. I'm going to dwell on this for a while, cause I am really drunk and I can't think of anything else to say."
[Several minutes pass.]
Clarice- "Well ok then. Ohh. A package? For me? From the ninja? I always knew the Japanese people kicked ass. I mean seriously, they invented Flashing Seizure Robots! Is that not the coolest! And uhh not to mention origami. I don't want to even think about what sex would be like without origami. It'd be like cake without frosting, Conan O'Brien without his dippy little Irish Elvis hairdo. Yep Conan O'Brien and origami. Two things that are so alike, yet so different. Or wait why the hell do I get the image of a paper crane when I think about origami? Is there something about sex and birds that no one told me? Yeah paper is cool. oh I forget these things so easily. Anyway, I think the Russians kick ass."
[Clarice walks over to pick up the package.]
[Suddenly, she sets her foot in the puddle of drool that had collected on the sidewalk, and slips.
She falls.]
[And falls.]
[She hits the ground, and blacks out.]
[Clarice wakes up in a strange white room. There are beeps and weird noises in the background, and people talking.]
[She opens her eyes, and people standing around her, but they are all blurry.]
Clarice- "Urrrrgg where the hell who are you? Gloooobernarb. My head feels fuzzy. "
[Slowly her vision goes back to normal, and she is able to see who else is in the room clearly.]
[There is one man dressed like a doctor in a white coat, and then two strangers. One is dressed up like Batman, the other dressed like Robin, but he's in a wheelchair.]
Batman- "Pleease let me see Clarice! We are good friends and she would be very angry if you didn't let us see her."
Doctor- [looking at Batman suspiciously] "You... You are dressed like Batman. Are you trying to tell me she is good friends with Batman?"
[Batman shrugs.]
Batman- "Hell, who isn't?"
Doctor- "Well I surely am not. Personally I'm of a Spiderman kind of guy. He can wrap me up in his web any day! MEOW!"
[The doctor paws at the air, trying to be seductive.]
Robin- [Drool.]
[Batman turns to Robin.]
Batman- "Did I see you just checking him out? DID I!? Damn it Mas- I mean Robin! How can we ever develop a solid relationship with you constantly going all sex-crazy with other men behind my back!"
Robin- [Drools.]
[The Doctor walks up to Robin and checks his pulse.]
Doctor- "Ummm. 'Batman', I think he's dead. He has no pulse and he feels really cold and slimy.."
[Batman looks over at Robin.]
Batman- "No he's always like that. Even during se- ... I mean September. Yep. Every season of the year."
[Batman looks around with shifty eyes.]
[Robin drools.]
[The doctor starts playing with one of Batman's ears.]
Doctor- [grab, pull, release, twang! Grab, pull release twang! ]
[(To anyone reading/and or hearing this, it sounds like Hannibal and Clarice god into a box of springs. Naked. )]
Batman- 0.0 "Could you please stop that, you're making me nervous."
[The doctor does it one last time.]
Doctor- "Oh sorry, you know, all those old cat reflexes kicking in."
[Robin drools and twitches. ]
Batman- "DAMNIT MASON! That's it! I'm tired of your unfaithfulness! I'm tired of midnight trips to the gay bar, I'm tired of you hiring kinky little Asian butlers and chasing them into the closet when I'm not home! And most of all, I'm tired of you drooling all over your damn suit! It took me four hours to sew that Robin suit together, and in one hour you've got the whole thing soaking wet! Now it's going to shrink, and it's going to be VERY uncomfortable for you. Ever seen a fish wrapped in saran wrap? Yeah that's right, wiggle all you want, bitch, but it's off to the seafood cannery for you!!!"
[Batman storms out of the room in a huge rage.]
[Robin drools and rolls after him.]
[The doctor pauses.]
Doctor- "I swear to god, every time we get an FBI agent in here as a patient the weirdest people come to see them. Like the time that guy Mulder was in here. SIX TIMES he got visited by people in alien suits. SIX TIMES! Not to mention that beast Scully, but it was soooo obvious she wanted the aliens. I guess tentacles just turn her on..."
[Someone taps the doctor on the shoulder.]
[He turns around to see a man in a snazzy black suit, wearing a huge stovepipe hat.]
Doctor- "Abe? Abe Lincoln? Is that you? You look younger and feistier than I imagined."
[The man in the suit pauses.]
Man in the suit- "Ok. That was just stupid. Damn. God. That was stupid. YOUR STUPID!"
[He pokes the doctor repeatedly in the chest with his finger.]
Doctor- (whimper) "Why are you doing this to me! I'm only a man!"
[The man In the suit stops.]
The Man In the Suit- "Yeah ok I'm sorry but I just take it really seriously whenever anyone talks about Abe Lincoln. I'm weird like that."
[The man in the suit takes out a giant shiny meat cleaver and hacks off the doctors head.]
The man in the suit- "Wow. That entire conversation seems so unnecessary now. Damn hippies."
[He glares.]
The man in the suit- "So anyway lets get down to business."
[He takes the doctors white doctor coat, which is remarkably bloodless, and puts it on over his suit. He then reaches in his pocket and pulls out his own forged nametag, which he puts on the jacket.]
[It reads 'Dr. Sexter'] .
Dr. Sexter- "Yeah that's right, its me!"
[He straightens his nametag very carefully, and looks damn sexy.]
[A female nurse who happens to be walking be sees him and instantly folds an origami crane. (hint hint) (oh yeah that's sexual and you know it)]
Dr. Sexter- "Soo.. I guess I better get over to see my patient."
[He skips over to the bed where Clarice is laying.]
[She is still very groggy, and has been fading in and out of consciousness.]
Clarice- "Doctor... Gah..where am I?"
Dr. Sexter- "As of right now, you are in my world baby!"
Clarice- "But, I don't wanna' go to Croatia, doctor!"
[Dr. Sexter pauses.]
Dr. Sexter- "Hey now you must be on a whole lot of pain killers."
Clarice- "No actually I'm not. I just thought id tell you that. See, a doctor patient relationship is based on trust. And if you cant trust me about my opinions on Croatia, then I might as well just leave."
[The doctor gets a syringe and pokes Clarice with it.]
Dr. Sexter- "From now on, when you talk or say something stupid, I poke you with my needle."
[Clarice laughs.]
Clarice- "No doctor, we can have sex here! Besides, your needle was so small I didn't even feel that."
[Dr. Sexter pauses.]
Dr. Sexter- "That was low, Clarice. Just low. Insulting the size of my needle. You know, it's not the size of the needle, its how you use it. And I know a thing or two about poking you with a needle."
[Clarice pauses.]
Clarice- "You know, you remind me of someone. A certain cannibal that I know."
[The doctor puts away his needle. And also his syringe. (moohahaha)]
Dr. Sexter- "Clarice, I think its time you know the truth. I am really-" [he pulls off the doctors overcoat.]
Clarice- GASP! "Abraham Lincoln! Omg! Where's your hat?"
[Hannibal curses, and pokes Clarice with the syringe.]
Clarice- "OMG its you Hannibal! You're here! Omg! You know what! We should have sex right now. Take off your pants. NOW!"
Hannibal- "Damn you are pushy Cla-" [She stabs HIM with a syringe.]
[Hannibal starts to pull off his pants.]
[Clarice claps and giggles.]
[Just as his pants are almost off, the door to the hospital room opens.
A doctor walks in. ]
Doctor- "Who the hell are you?"
[He points to Clarice.]
Clarice- 0.o "Umm... I'm the patient."
[The doctor glares at her.]
Doctor- "Then who the hell is he?"
[The doctor points to the decapitated body of the other doctor.]
Clarice- "To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure."
[The doctor looks at Hannibal.]
Doctor- "And, last but not least, can I have your pants?"
[Hannibal pauses, and looks at the doctor- 0.0.]
Hannibal- "I dunno you see-" [he lunges at the doctor and tackles him.]
[Clarice sits up in her bed and watches.]
Clarice- "CAT FIGHT!"
[Hannibal and the doctor roll around on the ground, trying to poke each other in the eye. The doctor grabs a clump of Hannibals hair and pulls.
Hannibal gives the doctor a wedgie.]
The doctor- "NEOOO! My children!" [he lays on the floor and twitches.]
[Hannibal stands up and dusts of his palms.]
Hannibal- "I learned that one in France. 'La Wedgeh' they used to call it."
Clarice- "Oh Hannibal! That was sexy! I liked the part where you stripped!"
[Hannibal looks down. He's still wearing all his clothes.]
Hannibal- "Umm, Clarice I never stripped."
[Clarice pauses.]
Clarice- "You didn't? Damn. Well. You know what's sexy Hannibal? You. Take off your clothes."
[Hannibal pauses.]
Hannibal- "Clarice, you take all the romance out of-"
Clarice- "NOWWWW!"
[Hannibal takes off his pants.]
Hannibal- "Ok. Well. There they go. Pants are gone."
[Clarice claps her hands.]
Clarice- "Now dance for me."
[Hannibal starts to do the Macarena.]
[Clarice giggles and you know HOT HOT HOT!]
Hannibal- "Clarice, you know this is kind of awkward. All the other doctors are watching. And there's a guy dressed as Batman standing outside the window staring."
Clarice- "Oh yeah. Well, he's a bat right? So its not like he can be enjoying this to much."
[Hannibal glances over at the window.]
[Batman is rubbing against the glass, licking it in giant circles.]
Hannibal- "Uhh, Clarice..."
[Just then Crawford walks in.]
Crawford- "Holy shit! Your that guy I know!"
[He is pointing to Batman.]
Hannibal- "Uh oh."
[Crawford sees Hannibal.]
Crawford- "OMG! HANNIBAL!" [He points at the window again.] "Look Hannibal! Its Batman!"
[Clarice sighs.]
Clarice- "And people wonder why the FBI has gone so far down the drain."
[Hannibal runs out the door before Crawford has the chance to realize that he just came face to face with the world's hungriest fugitive.]
Crawford- "Wait a minute. Was that Hannibal Lecter? He was just here, wasn't he? Damn I didn't get his autograph. " [Crawford points out the window again.] "OMG! Its Batman!"
[Clarice sighs and stabs herself with a needle full of morphine.]
Disclaimers: Don't own ANYTHING..except ourselves and our ideas..no we don't own Batman or Robin.or yeah!
Scene 7: Clarice Starling is at her house, eating a peaceful breakfast. (Corn Flakes, milk, and a piece of bread with lint on it. Don't ask how the lint got there, because you'll end up hearing a long tale about Clarice's mother, the brand new carpet, the day she got new shades for her windows, and time the old lady on the street cursed her for dropping a banana on the sidewalk.)
[Clarice crunches away at her Corn Flakes, (which she spiced up with a little Absolute Vodka, of course. Yeah she's cool that way.)
Clarice- "Oh boy, nothing like a little cereal and Russian liquor to get you up and going in the morning!"
Clarice continues to eat her cereal.]
[Outside, a strange dark figure appears on the path leading up to Clarice's front door.]
[Holly is getting into even more mischief. I don't know who it was that sold her the ninja suit, but seriously folks, as If things weren't bad enough! The last thing Clarice needs is a stalker ninja. A Samurai maybe, cause they tend be more mild mannered, and much better cooks, but a ninja? No I don't think so. Might as well just release a live alligator in her bathtub. While she's taking a bath. Yeah. Bad idea, bitch.]
[Ninjaholly runs up to Clarice's front door, and lays package on the ground. She runs to the doorbell and karate chops it.]
Doorbell- "DiNg Dinzzzzppppp"
[Sparks go flying everywhere.]
[Ninjaholly stands there drooling all over the doorstep.]
Ninjaholly- (drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip)
[Clarice walks up and opens the door.
Holly jumps up, licks her face, then runs off down the street, dropkicking the paperboy who was just happening to ride by at the time.]
[Clarice looks around all confused.]
Clarice- "A ninja licked me. I have been licked by a ninja. My cheek, licked by a ninja. I'm going to dwell on this for a while, cause I am really drunk and I can't think of anything else to say."
[Several minutes pass.]
Clarice- "Well ok then. Ohh. A package? For me? From the ninja? I always knew the Japanese people kicked ass. I mean seriously, they invented Flashing Seizure Robots! Is that not the coolest! And uhh not to mention origami. I don't want to even think about what sex would be like without origami. It'd be like cake without frosting, Conan O'Brien without his dippy little Irish Elvis hairdo. Yep Conan O'Brien and origami. Two things that are so alike, yet so different. Or wait why the hell do I get the image of a paper crane when I think about origami? Is there something about sex and birds that no one told me? Yeah paper is cool. oh I forget these things so easily. Anyway, I think the Russians kick ass."
[Clarice walks over to pick up the package.]
[Suddenly, she sets her foot in the puddle of drool that had collected on the sidewalk, and slips.
She falls.]
[And falls.]
[She hits the ground, and blacks out.]
[Clarice wakes up in a strange white room. There are beeps and weird noises in the background, and people talking.]
[She opens her eyes, and people standing around her, but they are all blurry.]
Clarice- "Urrrrgg where the hell who are you? Gloooobernarb. My head feels fuzzy. "
[Slowly her vision goes back to normal, and she is able to see who else is in the room clearly.]
[There is one man dressed like a doctor in a white coat, and then two strangers. One is dressed up like Batman, the other dressed like Robin, but he's in a wheelchair.]
Batman- "Pleease let me see Clarice! We are good friends and she would be very angry if you didn't let us see her."
Doctor- [looking at Batman suspiciously] "You... You are dressed like Batman. Are you trying to tell me she is good friends with Batman?"
[Batman shrugs.]
Batman- "Hell, who isn't?"
Doctor- "Well I surely am not. Personally I'm of a Spiderman kind of guy. He can wrap me up in his web any day! MEOW!"
[The doctor paws at the air, trying to be seductive.]
Robin- [Drool.]
[Batman turns to Robin.]
Batman- "Did I see you just checking him out? DID I!? Damn it Mas- I mean Robin! How can we ever develop a solid relationship with you constantly going all sex-crazy with other men behind my back!"
Robin- [Drools.]
[The Doctor walks up to Robin and checks his pulse.]
Doctor- "Ummm. 'Batman', I think he's dead. He has no pulse and he feels really cold and slimy.."
[Batman looks over at Robin.]
Batman- "No he's always like that. Even during se- ... I mean September. Yep. Every season of the year."
[Batman looks around with shifty eyes.]
[Robin drools.]
[The doctor starts playing with one of Batman's ears.]
Doctor- [grab, pull, release, twang! Grab, pull release twang! ]
[(To anyone reading/and or hearing this, it sounds like Hannibal and Clarice god into a box of springs. Naked. )]
Batman- 0.0 "Could you please stop that, you're making me nervous."
[The doctor does it one last time.]
Doctor- "Oh sorry, you know, all those old cat reflexes kicking in."
[Robin drools and twitches. ]
Batman- "DAMNIT MASON! That's it! I'm tired of your unfaithfulness! I'm tired of midnight trips to the gay bar, I'm tired of you hiring kinky little Asian butlers and chasing them into the closet when I'm not home! And most of all, I'm tired of you drooling all over your damn suit! It took me four hours to sew that Robin suit together, and in one hour you've got the whole thing soaking wet! Now it's going to shrink, and it's going to be VERY uncomfortable for you. Ever seen a fish wrapped in saran wrap? Yeah that's right, wiggle all you want, bitch, but it's off to the seafood cannery for you!!!"
[Batman storms out of the room in a huge rage.]
[Robin drools and rolls after him.]
[The doctor pauses.]
Doctor- "I swear to god, every time we get an FBI agent in here as a patient the weirdest people come to see them. Like the time that guy Mulder was in here. SIX TIMES he got visited by people in alien suits. SIX TIMES! Not to mention that beast Scully, but it was soooo obvious she wanted the aliens. I guess tentacles just turn her on..."
[Someone taps the doctor on the shoulder.]
[He turns around to see a man in a snazzy black suit, wearing a huge stovepipe hat.]
Doctor- "Abe? Abe Lincoln? Is that you? You look younger and feistier than I imagined."
[The man in the suit pauses.]
Man in the suit- "Ok. That was just stupid. Damn. God. That was stupid. YOUR STUPID!"
[He pokes the doctor repeatedly in the chest with his finger.]
Doctor- (whimper) "Why are you doing this to me! I'm only a man!"
[The man In the suit stops.]
The Man In the Suit- "Yeah ok I'm sorry but I just take it really seriously whenever anyone talks about Abe Lincoln. I'm weird like that."
[The man in the suit takes out a giant shiny meat cleaver and hacks off the doctors head.]
The man in the suit- "Wow. That entire conversation seems so unnecessary now. Damn hippies."
[He glares.]
The man in the suit- "So anyway lets get down to business."
[He takes the doctors white doctor coat, which is remarkably bloodless, and puts it on over his suit. He then reaches in his pocket and pulls out his own forged nametag, which he puts on the jacket.]
[It reads 'Dr. Sexter'] .
Dr. Sexter- "Yeah that's right, its me!"
[He straightens his nametag very carefully, and looks damn sexy.]
[A female nurse who happens to be walking be sees him and instantly folds an origami crane. (hint hint) (oh yeah that's sexual and you know it)]
Dr. Sexter- "Soo.. I guess I better get over to see my patient."
[He skips over to the bed where Clarice is laying.]
[She is still very groggy, and has been fading in and out of consciousness.]
Clarice- "Doctor... Gah..where am I?"
Dr. Sexter- "As of right now, you are in my world baby!"
Clarice- "But, I don't wanna' go to Croatia, doctor!"
[Dr. Sexter pauses.]
Dr. Sexter- "Hey now you must be on a whole lot of pain killers."
Clarice- "No actually I'm not. I just thought id tell you that. See, a doctor patient relationship is based on trust. And if you cant trust me about my opinions on Croatia, then I might as well just leave."
[The doctor gets a syringe and pokes Clarice with it.]
Dr. Sexter- "From now on, when you talk or say something stupid, I poke you with my needle."
[Clarice laughs.]
Clarice- "No doctor, we can have sex here! Besides, your needle was so small I didn't even feel that."
[Dr. Sexter pauses.]
Dr. Sexter- "That was low, Clarice. Just low. Insulting the size of my needle. You know, it's not the size of the needle, its how you use it. And I know a thing or two about poking you with a needle."
[Clarice pauses.]
Clarice- "You know, you remind me of someone. A certain cannibal that I know."
[The doctor puts away his needle. And also his syringe. (moohahaha)]
Dr. Sexter- "Clarice, I think its time you know the truth. I am really-" [he pulls off the doctors overcoat.]
Clarice- GASP! "Abraham Lincoln! Omg! Where's your hat?"
[Hannibal curses, and pokes Clarice with the syringe.]
Clarice- "OMG its you Hannibal! You're here! Omg! You know what! We should have sex right now. Take off your pants. NOW!"
Hannibal- "Damn you are pushy Cla-" [She stabs HIM with a syringe.]
[Hannibal starts to pull off his pants.]
[Clarice claps and giggles.]
[Just as his pants are almost off, the door to the hospital room opens.
A doctor walks in. ]
Doctor- "Who the hell are you?"
[He points to Clarice.]
Clarice- 0.o "Umm... I'm the patient."
[The doctor glares at her.]
Doctor- "Then who the hell is he?"
[The doctor points to the decapitated body of the other doctor.]
Clarice- "To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure."
[The doctor looks at Hannibal.]
Doctor- "And, last but not least, can I have your pants?"
[Hannibal pauses, and looks at the doctor- 0.0.]
Hannibal- "I dunno you see-" [he lunges at the doctor and tackles him.]
[Clarice sits up in her bed and watches.]
Clarice- "CAT FIGHT!"
[Hannibal and the doctor roll around on the ground, trying to poke each other in the eye. The doctor grabs a clump of Hannibals hair and pulls.
Hannibal gives the doctor a wedgie.]
The doctor- "NEOOO! My children!" [he lays on the floor and twitches.]
[Hannibal stands up and dusts of his palms.]
Hannibal- "I learned that one in France. 'La Wedgeh' they used to call it."
Clarice- "Oh Hannibal! That was sexy! I liked the part where you stripped!"
[Hannibal looks down. He's still wearing all his clothes.]
Hannibal- "Umm, Clarice I never stripped."
[Clarice pauses.]
Clarice- "You didn't? Damn. Well. You know what's sexy Hannibal? You. Take off your clothes."
[Hannibal pauses.]
Hannibal- "Clarice, you take all the romance out of-"
Clarice- "NOWWWW!"
[Hannibal takes off his pants.]
Hannibal- "Ok. Well. There they go. Pants are gone."
[Clarice claps her hands.]
Clarice- "Now dance for me."
[Hannibal starts to do the Macarena.]
[Clarice giggles and you know HOT HOT HOT!]
Hannibal- "Clarice, you know this is kind of awkward. All the other doctors are watching. And there's a guy dressed as Batman standing outside the window staring."
Clarice- "Oh yeah. Well, he's a bat right? So its not like he can be enjoying this to much."
[Hannibal glances over at the window.]
[Batman is rubbing against the glass, licking it in giant circles.]
Hannibal- "Uhh, Clarice..."
[Just then Crawford walks in.]
Crawford- "Holy shit! Your that guy I know!"
[He is pointing to Batman.]
Hannibal- "Uh oh."
[Crawford sees Hannibal.]
Crawford- "OMG! HANNIBAL!" [He points at the window again.] "Look Hannibal! Its Batman!"
[Clarice sighs.]
Clarice- "And people wonder why the FBI has gone so far down the drain."
[Hannibal runs out the door before Crawford has the chance to realize that he just came face to face with the world's hungriest fugitive.]
Crawford- "Wait a minute. Was that Hannibal Lecter? He was just here, wasn't he? Damn I didn't get his autograph. " [Crawford points out the window again.] "OMG! Its Batman!"
[Clarice sighs and stabs herself with a needle full of morphine.]