A/N: Okay! Here is chapter 9..yeah sorry it took so long, I was just lazy to post it. But this has a lot of things that are probably offensive. Please don't get angry, it is just for fun. And excuse the language. There will be but one last chapter after this. Enjoy!

Disclaimers: Nope, don't own em'...but if we did. Oh wow..do you know how much fun we would have with them?! * evil laugh *

(Scene 9: Clarice just got released from the hospital. Well, technically she wasn't released, the doctors actually wanted to keep her. You know how they are.)

(Earlier that day at the hospital)

[Clarice gets up from her hospital bed, and tries to sneak out the window.]

Doctor - "Hey you can't leave! We aren't done touching you yet!"

[Nurse slaps doctor #1.]

Nurse- "DUDE! Shut up! Don't worry Clarice, he's just making stuff up. The REAL reason we want you to stay is because we like to touch you while your sleeping."

Doctor- "Umm, that's exactly what I just said, dumb ass."

Nurse- "Was it? I thought you said we hadn't bought her a wedding gift yet."

Doctor- (slaps doctor #2) "Now why the hell would I say that?!"

Nurse- "Are you saying you wouldn't buy her a wedding gift?"

Doctor- "No that's not what I meant! I mean I'd certainly get her like a toaster or something but it's not her wedding?"

Nurse- "Oh so you think you can call HER wedding off just because you're a doctor?"

Doctor- "No you're not getting my point! She not going to get married!"

Nurse- "Oh, so you think this all just a sham so they can get a free toaster? You are a suspicious little bastard, you know."

Doctor- "NO! I wouldn't get her a toaster anyway! I wouldn't get her anything!"

Nurse- "Your such and asshole doctor. Were you abused as a child?"

Doctor- "Listen, what does a toaster have to do with me being abused?"

Nurse- "Don't ask me, I'm not the doctor. Maybe you dropped your moms toaster and she beat you with soggy bread or something."

Doctor- "Are you accusing me of being a klutz? Besides, I am very good at operating toasters."

Nurse- "Didn't your house burn down last year after you tried to cook the thanksgiving turkey in your toaster?"

Doctor- "IT WAS A BIG TOASTER!"

Nurse- "Uh huh. Sure it was doctor. A big toaster, right."

Doctor- "If I had a toaster right now I'd throw it at you."

Nurse- "Yeah and you'd probably MISS!"

(Meanwhile, Clarice is already a mile from the hospital, standing on a street corner trying to wave down a taxi.)

[After about ten minutes, a big beat up old yellow taxi comes to a stop.]

[She hops in.]

Clarice- "Umm, Hi id like to go to the Super 8 motel."

Taxi driver- "You know, I did not leave Afghanistan just be bossed around by mean ass American sexy foxes like you!"

Clarice- 0.o.

[She looks at the taxi driver in confusion. He is a big fat man, with a bottle of Jack Daniels propped up against the steering wheel and a package of cigarettes on the dashboard.]

Clarice- "Umm, I'm very sorry, sir, but I do need to get there. Hi, I'm Clarice."

Driver- "I am Jeeseh Ishlamafoobin."

Clarice- "So, Mr. Sloppyfoodbin, your from Afghanistan?

Driver- "No. I from Arizona."

Clarice- "Oh but you just said-"

Driver- "I AM FROM ARIZONA!"

Clarice- "Oh ok.. well, what's it like in Arizona?"

Driver- "I would not know. I from Canada.I born under maple tree and salute Avril Lavigne with my wang while eating waffles and laughing about de time my fathers moose ate my auntie's brother."

Clarice- 0.0 "oh ok, wait. YOUR WANG?"

Driver- "Did I say wang? I meant to say hand. You are a very tricky person, always making my wang and my hand switching places."

Clarice- "Um you know I think I want to get out."

Driver- "Dese doors, dey do not open. Only from the outside. You talk to me now, and we talk more about Canada. You go to Canada?"

Clarice- [getting slightly nervous] "No I've never been to Canada, Mr. Shipnoodleburp."

Driver- "You do not have to call me Mr. Just call me Daddy."

Clarice-"Umm, ok Daddy. I've never been to Canada."

Driver- "I not your daddy. Stop trying to seduce me, you tricky little sexy American pickle of sex."

Clarice- "I.... I wasn't tricking you."

Driver- "I do not want to talk about dis anymore. Telling me about where you grew up, CarFeces."

Clarice- "Ummm my names Clarice."

Driver- "Oh I am sorry. Anyway, so back in Canada we would hunt mooses all de time. Most of time, all we had was fork, because Canada not look to kindly on knives and guns. When hunt moose with fork, Most important ting to sneak up from behind. Sometimes, if also having spoon, you can hit de moose over de head to make fall over, den jump on it, and fighting it till de moose no longer fighting back. Den you take de moose, soak it in honey, and let dry for eight hour. By de next upping of de sun, de moose will have hardened, and everyone in family come for yummy moose honey-sicle. Dat is why Canada is better den US. Canada have freezeing moose carcass to eat on cold morning. In US, you have no moose. Your have Prairie Dogs. You can not dip prairie puppy in honey, because prairie puppy lick off honey. Den you have shoot prairie puppy, and kid cry. So you see, Canada kick ass of de US."

Clarice- [Whimpers] "Please let me out of here!"

Driver- "Do not worry, little sexy pickle, we be at de hotel in no time at any. I driving very fast, like racecar. Six children I kill already. Police not like it, but I tink we agree dat dey make funny noises when face hit windshield."

Clarice- "ummâE¦. Well yeah I have to agree with you one that."

Driver- "Of course you do, my little raisin bagel with cream cheese! Everybody like hit children. In Canada, if you do not hit children, president come after with very big spoon. He crazy like Barbara Walters. Watching much 60 Minutes bad for Canada. Barbara put President in violent trance and making him kill everyone. Sadly, Barbara also crazy and we find her some whiles dumping bodies in our lakes. We letting her, because she Canadian native. Born from swamp monster in Lake Winnipeg. We don't want keep her, but de swamp monster very powerful politician in US, and threaten Canada if we make Barbara leave. And dat is story of how my mother start loving pottery classes. Here we are at hotel. You get out and pay me money, and I thank you and promise not run you over."

[Clarice got out of the car and ran.]

[Sadly, she was still in a upper-body brace from hurting her sternum and back, so she couldn't really a whole lot. It looked like a cat with a stiff back trying to salsa dance.]

[Finally she made it around the corner of the hotel and hid there until she was sure the taxi was gone.

She went up to the second story, and found the door to the room she wanted.]

Clarice- "room 602, finally I made it. Hannibal's room."

[Clarice thinks about the sexiest way to get into his room.]

Clarice- "Well lets see. I could get naked, steal a hang glider, wait until he steps outside, the BAM pick him up and carry him to my secret sex palace in the sky!"

[Clarice laughs for several minutes.]

[Then she pauses.]

Clarice- "I shouldn't have drank that taxi drivers Bourbon."

[She starts to think again, this time about things that are a little easier.]

Clarice- "Ok so, I guess I could get out my gun, kick down his door FBI style, and pretend to arrest him on charges of Indecent exposure. If he protests, ill take his pants, and it really will be indecent exposure. After a few pictures and pat downs, hours and hours of wild sex will ensue.

Yep ok that works."

[Clarice takes out her gun and gets ready to kick the door.]

[She tries to lift up her leg to kick, but she cant. She has the plastic torso brace on.]

Clarice- "FUCK! Or really, the absence thereof."

[She pauses.]

Clarice- "Yeah that was bad. But still! How am I supposed to storm in all sexy now?"

[She ponders.]

Clarice- "Well I guess I could try throwing myself at it and breaking it down that way."

[Clarice runs at the door.]

['THUD.']

[She falls over.]

[She spends a few minutes on her back like a turtle, then realizes that Hannibal isn't going to come out and help her, so she gets back up.]

Clarice- "Damn that obviously wont work. "

[Just then and old couple in their eighties walks by.]

[Clarice has an idea.]

Clarice- "Hey, old wrinkly dude and old saggy chick, can you help me for second?"

[The wrinkly dude pauses.]

Wrinkly dude- "Yeah I guess so. What is it you need lass?"

Clarice- 0.o "Did you just call me an ass?"

Wrinkles- "No, good heavens I did no such thing! How dare you accuse me of such language!"

Clarice- "wow dude your right I do want a sandwich."

[The old man twitches.]

Wrinkles- "That is not what I said, miss. I do believe you are drunk!"

Clarice- "You had sex with a skunk? Wow man, I mean I know your old lady smells bad, but that's kinda harsh."

Wrinkles- 0.0

Clarice- "So anyway back to you guys helping me. I need you to pick me up, and slam me into that door, like a log. Ok. Imagine I'm a big pickle shaped log."

Wrinkles- "Fuck, bitch, your talking some wacked out shit. You sure you wanna break into this run down hizzy?"

Clarice and Wrinkles wife- 0.0

Wrinkles- "I mean-" [he coughs] "Pardon me, madam, but don't you think that's breaking the law?"

Clarice- "I just got out of a hospital where I was touched in places I didn't even know I had by some old doctor. I just rode in a taxi for a whole hour with a drunk Saudi who thought he was Canadian, and told me several disturbing stories involving spooning little children to Barbara Walter's Moose. Or something like that. Anyway my point is, DO IT OR ILL KICK YOUR ASS!"

[The old man and woman each grab one of Clarice's arms, pick her up, and thrust her at the door headfirst. The door broke open, and Clarice flew inside, miraculously landing right on the bed.

Then the old couple ran off.]

Clarice- "How convenient! I landed on the bed! OMG! Hannibal he isn't in here!"

[She curses.]

Clarice- "Where the hell is my sexy man panda! If I don't start feeling something stroking me in ways that would make a porn star feel guilty in the next thirty seconds, I'm going to have to kill someone."

[Then Clarice sees the note on the other pillow.]

Dear Clarice,

I'm sure you'll be reading this sometime while I'm gone, because I know that your sexy like that, and you'll undoubtedly end up on my bed. Feel free to walk around naked, maybe do some yoga, because there is absolutely NO video cameras installed in my room. None. At all. Zero. There is cheese in the fridge, but don't open the vegetable drawer. I stuck Paul in there and he's been unusually violent these last few days. Last night he attacked my while I was stealing his spleen, and he swallowed my scalpel. He wasn't dead when I left this morning, so I guess it didn't do too much damage. If he does die and starts to stink up the room, call Roto-Rooter. I know my fridge isn't the toilet, but Krendler is the kind of thing they usually have to deal with in their line of work. Now I hope I didn't completely ruin your sexual mood by talking about Roto-Rooter, but incase I did here's something to keep you in the mood until I get back. I'm going to buy cowboy boots and a whip. Yep. That's right. I'm joining the rodeo. You're my horse, and the bed is our stadium! YEEEHAW! So anyway, Clarice, have fun in my room, and once last thing. Don't look in the closet. Tata,

With much Sex and Love,

Your super ultimate king and queen and prince and grandfather and super muscular warrior of all things genital and kinky and orgasmic and sex, Hannibal Von Sexcowboy

[Clarice stuffs the letter down her shirt, and looks around with shifty eyes.]

Clarice- "Well, I guess- Wait a minute. What could be in the closet?"

[She tiptoes over to Hannibal's closet, and throws open the door.]

Clarice- "GASP! ITS.... A CLOSET!"

[She pauses.]

Clarice- "Wait. Why does Hannibal have bras in his closet? OMG. He's GAY! NOOOOOOEEOEOEOEEOEEOEOEOEOEO!!! AHH! I should have known when he started talking about cowboys! OMG NO!! This is horrible! AHH! AHH! AHHH! AHHH! Now where will I go for sex!? Oh yeah Xenia ok, that's cool. But still, this cuts my Maximum Sex Potential down by half. Plus, Hannibal was just damn sexy. Every gay cowboy in Texas is gonna be all over him!"

[She pauses.]

Clarice- "Hell, its Texas so my guess is EVERY cowboy will be all over him! NOOOO!!!!"

[Clarice breaks down crying on the floor.]

[She gets the carpet all wet.]

Clarice- "Ow. My heart. I think my heart is broken!"

[She sits up.]

Clarice- "Oh never mind, it was a thumbtack digging into my chest. But still. OW!"

[She cries.]

[Then she takes a closer look at the bra.]

Clarice- "Hey I have a bra just like this how strange. Me and the man I have sex with both wear the same size bra. That really makes me want to go lesbian. As in wow."

[Clarice looks through all the other bras.]

Clarice- "OMG these are all like mine! He must have stole them from the same- [cough] I mean BOUGHT them from the same store as I did. Hey wait a minute."

[Clarice's examines one of the white bras very closely.]

Clarice- "That looks the Jelly stain on my bra that I got the day I was trying to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in bed."

[Clarice gasps.]

Clarice- "And this bra has that burn mark on it from the night I tried to, well I wont get into that. Let me just tell you that Xenia is kinda a pyromaniac. Yeah."

[Clarice finally realizes what is going on here.]

Clarice- "OMG! It was Hannibal that stole all my bras! That thieving sexy horny suave manbeast with all his little nooks and crannies and other various instruments which come in handy all the time!"

[She pauses.]

Clarice- "Ok wow I cant stay mad at him! He's Hannibal! But still, heh Hannibal was touching my bras. Hannibal touched my bras... OMG, HANNIBAL TOUCHED MY BRAS!!"

[She puts on every single bra in the entire closet. By the time she gets them all on, she is almost able to open the fridge from way back by the bed with her boobs.]

Clarice- "Ok now that is mad skill. Heh, Hannibal touched my bras, Hannibal touched my bras."

[Clarice starts singing that.]

[Five hours later, after she had written down the lyrics and music to five separate songs about bras, Clarice is tired.]

Clarice- "Wow I need a shower, all this talk of bras and sex and torture and whipping and licking a layer of jelly off of Hannibal's-" [pause]"-cat. Hannibal's cat. Who doesn't like to lick Hannibal's cat? Hannibal has a very lickable cat. Yep. How I love Hannibal's cat."

[She looks around with shifty eyes and heads off to the shower.]

[Hannibal pulls up outside the hotel in his kick-ass '72 Volkswagen Van with big flowers on the doors. (Yeah Hannibal ate a hippie and stole his car, so what? Hannibal eats a lot of things.) ]

Valet Parking Guy- "May I take your skin?"

[Hannibal pauses.]

[Valet Blinks.]

Valet- "Did I say skin? I didn't mean skin. I said chin. I like your chin. It was a complement. You have a sexy chin. Yes."

Hannibal- "I didn't realize Super 8 Motel had Valet parking."

[The valet pauses.]

Valet- "Its this new thing they started. It makes the customers happier when it rubs lotion on its skin. I mean on its car. I'll rub lotion on your car. Do you want me to rub lotion on your car? You have a dry car."

[The valet looks around with shifty eyes.]

Hannibal- "No thank you, I think I can lotion my own car."

Valet- "oh ok, umm let me have your keys and I'll make sure not to scratch your supple skin. I mean your car. I wont scratch your supple car. Supple car? Did I say supple? I mean, Uh Apple car. If your car were an apple, I wouldn't scratch it. That's how good I am. Yep yep."

Hannibal- "Umm, well I'm not sure if I trust you that much. You seem like a weird guy."

Valet- "A guy? Do I look like a guy? But,you could see me as a girl right? I mean I have that figure. I have a high pitched voice. I DON'T WANT MY PENIS ANYMORE!"

Hannibal- 0.0 " I think that ill just park my car on the sidewalk."

Valet- "Damn. Damn. Damn. Now ill just curse and pet my Precious. Yes. My Precious."

Frodo baggins- "What bitch? YOUR precious? That shit is my bling bling! I had to bust caps in this little bitch Golem to get that shit, so you bettah hand it over, or Ill kick your ass!"

Valet- "Dude, your like four feet tall and you haven't even hit puberty yet. Your don't even have to TRY to be feminine, you already are!"

Frodo- "Cheap shot bitch, I have too hit puberty!"

[Frodo lifts up his foot.]

Frodo- "See that hairy shit! I have to shave that shit every day, BITCH!"

Valet- "Fuck that, I saw more hair on yo moms feet last night!"

[A bunch of people in the background- "oooohhh" "oohhhh" "Burn!"]

[Meanwhile, Hannibal has parked his van and is walking into his room. He sees that the door is knocked open.]

Hannibal- "Well, Clarice must have been in quite a hurry."

[Hannibal walks in, and hears someone in the shower.]

Hannibal- "Aw, Clarice, you entice me. Your are like a big wet Twinkie laying unwrapped for me in my own bathtub."

[Hannibal pauses, and wishes he hadn't said that.]

[He slowly creeps into the bathroom.]

[Inside the shower, he sees the silhouette of a person washing herself.

Strange, Hannibal thought, Clarice must be wearing a shower cap because he couldn't see her hair.]

[He giggles and creeps closer to the shower.]

[He hears her humming to herself, and smiles.]

[He reaches out and pulls back the curtain in one swift movement.]

Hannibal- "Why hello Cla- HOLY SHIT OMG HOLY SHIT OMG HOLY SHIT!"

[Krendler drops his soap.]

Hannibal- "AHHHHHH!! MY EYES! MY EYES!! SOMEONE SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME!!!"

Krendler- "Hannibal, cant you see I'm trying to shower? Oh and damn, I dropped the soap."

[Hannibal starts flailing in pain. He hits his head on the sink and falls over.]

Hannibal- "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

[He staggers to his feet, grabs the bottle of shampoo, and slams it against Krendler's skull. Shampoo squirts out all over the entire room, including Hannibal.]

Krendler- "Ow! Damnit Hannibal, if your want me on the floor just ask!"

Hannibal- 0.0 0.o o.o o.0 0.0 "IM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

[Hannibal jams the shampoo bottle down Krendler's throat

Hannibal grabs Krendler by the arms throws his across the bathroom, and he slams into the wall.

Hannibal is basically like a shampoo covered Hulk (This is actually a script for a commercial for Loreal Kids Shampoo, but yeah. I stole it and put it to better use.) ]

[Krendler his the wall and slides down to floor, where he lay limp, covered in foamy shampoo thank god.]

Hannibal- "Now to kill myself!"

[Hannibal turns to walk to the kitchen, but runs into Clarice, who was just walking into the bathroom to see what all the commotion was about.]

Clarice- "OMG Hannibal, your home! And the entire bathroom is one giant pit of soap bubbles. You know what's funny? I could sooooo see us having sex in that right now."

[Hannibal blinks.]

[He reaches down, grabs Krendler, and flings his body out the door, then slams the door and locks it.]

[By the time he turns around, Clarice is already undressed.]

Clarice- "Hannibal, its time to let me touch your bubbles."

Hannibal- "That was so pathetic and kinky! Take me now, Clarice!"

[They make sweet bubbly love, and wake up in the morning with the cleanest, most moisturized and conditioned hair ever. And I'm not just talking about head hair. Sadly they both also swallowed huge amounts of shampoo, and spent the next day sick in bed. And by sick in bed I mean yeah they got down and dirty. Again. And again. And again. And again and again....]