A/N: Woo! Well, here you go folks. The last chapter!..Or is it?! A little
surprise for you at the end! Sorry for the delay!
Disclaimers: Don't own anything except ourselves. We added more characters. This is such a random chapter..
(Chapter 10: Clarice and Hannibal are in Hannibal's hotel room doing dirty, erotic things in bed.)
Clarice- "Omg Hannibal that's the perfect place to put that!"
Hannibal- "I know! It fits like a glove!"
Clarice- "Its cause they were made to be together, Hannibal. God meant it to be this way."
(God- "Yeah I'm sick like that.")
Hannibal- "OH YES! Ill just stick this in right here.and oops got a little spillage."
Clarice- "Oh don't worry ill just lick that right off."
Hannibal- "Oh now watch your tongue! If you lick it, it'll get soggy."
Clarice- "Oh a little saliva never hurt it. Besides, its so hard I don't think it CAN get soggy."
Hannibal- "You'd be surprised how fast they can go from hard and crispy to soft and sad."
Clarice- "Well that's why we should be doing this in the kitchen. We don't want to make a mess on your bed."
Hannibal- "This isn't the kind of thing the hotel wants to be done on the kitchen tables."
Clarice- "That's true and Hanni, be careful, your meat is getting all over me."
Hannibal- "Oh sorry, was never good at holding on to my meat."
Clarice- "Oh your just afraid of a little mess its no big deal. See? The meat can be juicy, but it feels good on your hands."
Hannibal- "You know Ill let you handle my meat from now on. Ill stick to opening up your squishy little package of hot sauce."
Clarice- "Ok you do that but don't get it all on your fingers because once it gets on your fingers it'll end up all over everything."
Hannibal- "This time I'll wash my hands afterwards."
Clarice- "Ok that's good. And hmm, are you ready to use those?"
Hannibal- "Well they are still juicy so I don't see why not. Just be careful not to squish them. Obviously this wont work with out them."
Clarice- "Ok yeah so ill just grab those two plump little tomatoes... and wow Hanni these are very big."
Hannibal- "Yeah I know that's why there's always that bulge down there."
Clarice- "Oh I thought it was just coconut or something. Of course, then you gotta' wonder why you'd be keeping a coconut in there."
Hannibal- "Yeah that would squish all the other stuff. And nothing ruins this like a smooshed package of meat and leaking fruits."
Clarice- "Its because the hotel fridge's are so damn small. I mean they don't even give you place to put tomatoes."
Hannibal- "Well they are also not expecting you to put a coconut in there either!"
[Hannibal and Clarice are sitting on Hannibal's bed making home-made tacos. Why? What did you think they were doing?]
Clarice- "I hope these tacos turn out good, for all the work we are putting into them."
Hannibal- "Well its nice to get down and dirty with food for once. I've never felt a taco shell like this before."
Clarice- "Yeah everything is different when you have to do it by hand. You can't pay people to do it for you. Besides, when you go around buying tacos from just anyone, you never when it will contaminated and you'll get and STD."
Hannibal- "You know getting a 'Sick Taco Disease' has always been one of my worst fears."
Clarice- "Well that's why you always wear the rubber gloves when making tacos."
Hannibal- "But we aren't wearing gloves."
Clarice- "That's because we are both clean. You don't have Hole In Vegetable do you?"
Hannibal- "Nope. My head of lettuce is clean. I ran it under cold water."
Clarice- "You know I heard that makes it shrink."
Hannibal- "Sometimes it does, but here, feel it. It's as big as ever, right?"
Obviously, these are some damn good tacos. I wish I could get a piece of that.
Clarice- "Well we are just about done. Just a few finishing globs of hot sauce add a little cheese..."
[Just then, someone knocks on the hotel room door.]
Hannibal- (Sets down his taco) "Now who the hell could that be?"
Clarice- "Go see."
Hannibal- "But I don't have any pants on!"
Clarice- "Is it my fault that you like cooking naked? No, it isn't. Although I can't say I don't enjoy it. A lot."
[Hannibal stands up.]
Hannibal- "I don't know where I put my pants."
Clarice- "Just improvise."
[Hannibal looks around the room. He sees a brown paper grocery bag that he used to buy the taco materials from Albertsons. He picks it up, and sticks both his legs through the bottom, pulling the big up his legs until his lower torso area is safely concealed inside the bag.]
Clarice- "Watch out for paper cuts."
Hannibal- "Don't scare me like that!"
[Hannibal walks over and opens the door.]
Hannibal- "Holy fucking son of a German Nazi cow! Jack Crawford? What the hell are you doing here?"
[Crawford is standing outside the door. (Obviously. Where else would he be? ON the door?)]
Crawford- "I just learned you were staying at this hotel from Mr. Krendler, and I had to come visit. Where are your pants?"
Hannibal- "What are you talking about? I am wearing pants!"
Crawford- "Well your 'pants' say Albertsons right across the crotch, and uh they don't cover much. Did you leave a banana in the bag, or is that just."
Hannibal- "IT'S A BANANA! Ok stop asking about my fruit! If I like to wear brown paper pants with Albertsons on them and a banana in my crotch that's my decision, not yours!"
Crawford- "Well.ok.but.your kiwi's fell out."
Hannibal- (glare) "I wish you wouldn't call them kiwis... that's so not masculine. A kiwi is what you'd call Krendler's. I prefer to call mine 'Pineapples'. Think about the name for a moment and you'll get it."
Crawford- 0.0 "No really, Dr. Lecter, some Kiwis fell out of the bag."
[Hannibal looks on the floor between his feet, and sees three kiwis.]
Hannibal- "Now either that's a very strange way to start a foot fetish, or these kiwis are just sick."
[Hannibal picks up the kiwis and hands them to Crawford.]
Hannibal- "Here, you look like you need kiwis in your pants more than I do. And if you'll excuse me, Agent Starling has to peel my banana."
[Hannibal turns and starts to close the door.]
[Crawford jumps inside before Hannibal closes it.]
Crawford- "No wait, don't make me leave. I'm so lonely. I feel like Carlos at straight bar."
Hannibal- [Twitch]
Hannibal- "Ok, Crawford. I'm too horny right now to get pissed at you, but- " (Twitch)"-If you don't leave I'm going to be forced to that's right, CALL YOUR MOTHER!"
Crawford- 0.0
Crawford- "NEEOOOO!! She'll spank me and call me a bad boy and then tie me to the wall and whip me!"
Hannibal- "OMG Clarice are you writing all this down? This is excellent material. Guaranteed masochistic Kink-factor."
[Clarice takes out a pencil and a notepad and draws a picture of Hannibal duct taped to the wall naked.]
Clarice- "Yeah ok I got it!"
Crawford- "Please don't make me leave."
Hannibal- (Twitch twitch) "LEAVE now!"
[Hannibal rips of the brown bag from around his special area and stuffs it over Crawford's head. He then shoves Crawford out the door, and slams it shut.]
[Then Hannibal dives onto the bed, sending taco ingredients flying everywhere. Beneath a shower of cheese, meat, lettuce, and tomatoes, Clarice peels Hannibal's banana like a Russian vegetarian whore who's addicted to the color yellow. (I saw her eat a goldfish once. Sad really, especially for Mason. A death in the family is always hard.)]
[Meanwhile, Holly is faced with her own problem. And his name is The Stupid Loser. Or wait, no that's his last name. His first name is Paul. And uh somewhere in there it says Krendler. His parents were drunk when they named him. And when they had him, too.
Holly is sneaking through the hallways outside of Krendlers office, wearing her new ninja suit (a black trashbag with leg, arms, and eyeholes cut out). She has murder on her mind.]
Holly- "Mohahahah! I shall eliminate Krendler once and for all! His crazy monkey like stupidity and feces tossing will be no more!"
[She creeps silently along the hallway towards Krendlers office.
Once at the door, she pulls out her huge Ninja Sword. (It's a bunch of colored pencils taped together and spray painted gray. Yeah, the FBI is cool. Very cool.)]
Holly- "Now for the moment of truth, HIYA!"
[She kicks open the door and storms into Krendler's office, swinging her sword around all insanely. She knocks over a lamp that was sitting on a small table.]
Krendler- "Ahh! Damnit! That was my grandmas lamp!"
Holly- (picks up the lamp and dusts it off, puts it back on the shelf) "Sorry it's a big sword you know."
Krendler- "Oh I understand but uhh are you going to kill me?"
Holly- "Yeah I was really planning on it. Why, does that not work for you?"
Krendler- "No, not really."
Holly- "Oh,well. You know."
[She charges at him with her colored pencil sword, and jabs him in the stomach.
The colored pencils break.]
Krendler- "Ouch.that almost hurt actually."
Holly- "Ummm. Fuck. Those were the colored pencils I use to draw. Krendler, you owe me some colored pencils."
Krednler- "Me? I do? What the hell? You're the one who stabbed ME!"
Holly- "Oh it was bound to happen anyway. If I didn't do it, someone else would've."
Krendler- "You have a point. Well, what are you going to do now?"
Holly- "I don't know. Do you have any colored pencils I could borrow?"
Krendler- "I could look and see. Have a seat. This might take a minute."
[Holly sits down in the chair on the other side of Krendlers desk.]
[She adjusts her ninja suit.]
Krendler- "Ok well. I don't think I have any. but I do have this normal pencil."
Holly- "Is it sharp?"
Krendler- "No and I don't have a pencil sharpener either. Masons wheelchair broke and he had to take it and use it for his motor."
Holly- "Well that's creative. I didn't know fish were so resourceful."
Krendler- "Fish? What now?"
Holly- "Did I say fish? I mean fillet of fish."
Krendler- 0.0
Holly- "Oh woops. I didn't mean that either. I always get confused when talking atrout fish. I mean about. and not about fish. About Masonfish. I mean tuna. No not tuna! Sardines? Wait isn't that a fruit? Mason is a fruit. But fish. I mean fish. No. not fish. Mason. There we go. That's what I meant to say. Catfish. A hairy fish? Does Mason purr? Wait omg never mind please don't answer that. Damn me and my largemouth bass. I mean big mouth. Wow I'm lost. Did you say salmon? I mean something. Did you say something? Wow I don't feel good all of a sudden. I must be eel. I mean ill. I think I'm ill. I don't pike this at all. Pike? Like. I don't like pike. My head hurts. I think I'm going to fall over in a minnow or two. Minute. How many seconds are in a minnow? Maybe we should carp over at the beginning. Huh?"
Krendler- "OMG are you ok?"
Holly- "Wow no there is something about this room that makes me feel really stupid."
[She glances at Krendler, who is trying to stick his keyboard up his left nostril.]
Holly- "Oh. Ok. That explains just about everything."
[Krendler coughs, twitches, and falls out of his chair.]
Krendler- "GAH! Eep! Neerp-fooh!"
Holly- "Whoa. Are you ok?"
Krendler- "AHH! I think I inhaled the Backspace Key."
[He lays on the floor and coughs and twitches for several minutes, while Holly folds some paper airplanes with some files that Krendler had on his desk.]
Krendler- "GACK! Errk! Crrrooooo! Gaaaaaa! Hrrrup!"
[He stands up, and pulls a big plastic keyboard key out of his mouth.]
Krendler- "Well whaddaya know, it was the Shift key. Now that's something."
[Holly throws a paper airplane. It flies around the room and bumps into the wall.]
Holly- "Woo! What a rush!"
[She throws another one. It does a circle around the desk then sticks right in Krendlers eye.]
Krendlers Eye- POINK!
Airplane- JAB
Eye- sploot
[The airplane is stuck in Krendlers eye.]
Krendler- "ARRGG!!!"
[He falls over again.]
Krendler- "AHH! My eye! I can't see! Oh the pain! There's a pilot in my pupil!"
Holly- "OMG! There's a airplane in your iris!"
The Cat in the Hat- "Holy shit! There's a wumplebear in my underwear!"
[Holly and Krendler both pause and stare at the Cat in the Hat.]
Cat in the Hat- (hanging his head) "Yes, I know I'm sick."
[He shuffles out of the room very sullenly. But right before he gets to the door, he turns around and runs back into the room, grabs Krendlers keyboard, and puts it in his pants.]
[Then he runs back out of the room making weird noises like Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama.]
Cat in the Hat- "Woob woob woob woob woob woob!"
[For several minutes, Holly and Krendler stand there staring at the door. Krendlers eye is slowly leaking out of his skull.]
Holly- 0.0 "He wears pants? I've never noticed."
Krendler- "Neither have I. But to tell you the truth, I've never really had a cat fetish anyway. I'd prefer NOT to have to cough up hairballs the morning after."
Holly- 0.0 "I wonder why God hasn't killed you yet..."
Krendler- "I'm amazingly resistant to lightening."
Holly- "Well isn't that just the cats meow."
[Outside, The Cat in the Hat gets hit by car and screams like a hundred ostriches getting made into ostrich burgers.]
Krendler- "Cats are annoying."
Holly- "And so are you."
Krendler- "You know... you're very mean to m-"[Holly breaks a light bulb and sticks the broken end in Krendlers spine.]
[Krendler falls over.]
[He twitches.]
Krendler- "Oh good god! It burns! My life is flashing before my eyes!"
** Flashback **
[Two Smurfs are standing on a street corner in a big city.]
Papa Smurf- "I'm Horny."
Mama Smurf- "I'm a Smurf."
Papa Smurf- "AHH! We were made for each other! Take me now!"
[The two Smurfs jump into the nearest newspaper box, and make hideous, creepy love.]
[Three hours later a tiny little Krendler slides out the door of the paper box.]
Paper Smurf- "OMG! That's the most Hideous Smurf baby I've ever seen!"
Baby Krendler- Gurgle.
Mama Smurf- "EEK! He's bubbling!! Let's get outa' here!"
[The two Smurfs jump out of the paper box and bounce down the street. (sadly they made the bad decision of standing beneath the tire of a bus that was parked next to the sidewalk. Ever wonder who came up with the idea for blueberry pancakes? Smurfs mashed into dirt looks a lot like a fruity pancake to a stoned Diner employee.)]
Baby Krendler- "Bloobmorf."
[He gets dragged off into an alley by a Hungry Hungry Hobo. The hobo soon comes to pity Baby
Krendler, and raises him as his own.]
**Back to reality now***
Krendler- "You gotta love those childhood memories."
Holly- "That. that was evil. Pure evil."
Satan- "Hey don't look at me, I'm not a horny Smurf!"
Holly- "What are you doing here?"
Satan- "I'm stalking the Cat in the Hat. Have you seen him?"
[Holly points out the door.]
Satan- "Ahhhh! Thank you so much for your help. Here, as a token of my gratitude, take this coupon. Commit one sin and get the other one half off! Its great for shoplifting something, then throwing it at a little kid."
[Satan runs out the door.]
Krendler- "You know I was hoping the last moments of my life WOULDN'T involve idiotic random crap appearing out of nowhere."
Holly- "Don't blame me, I'm not writing the script."
Krendler- "Fucking teenagers that have no lives!" [He shakes his fist then falls over dead.]
[Holly steals his lampshade then runs out of the office.]
[Meanwhile in NeverLand...]
Captain Hook- "Arrg!"
[He stands there looking all cool.]
Captain Hook- "All hail the Supreme Overlord Undressable Pirate! That's right! I am your S.O.U.P! Much like chicken noodle soup, only I'm not a chicken and my noodle isn't warm and soggy."
[All the pirate ho's try to jump on his boat.]
[The boat pulls to a stop by the docks.]
Hook- (suave pimp laugh) "I know you all want me."
[Just then, Holly flies out of nowhere wearing the lampshade on her head. She lands right in front of Hook and quacks.]
Hook- "What the hell?"
Holly- "Hello Captain. I'm here to walk your plank."
Hook- "What? The plank is over there."
Holly- "No, I mean YOUR plank."
Hook- "I don't get it. The plank is over there."
Holly- "Jeebus! How could you not get that! Ok umm lemme rephrase it. I'm here to raise your sails."
Hook- "But we are docked right now. There's no point."
Holly- (gritting her teeth in frustration) "Ok, Captain. want to be your HOOKer."
Hook- "Uhh I can only have one Hook. I still have a hand left."
Holly- "Forking Monkey Tails Man! Don't you get it!?"
Hook- ".... You lost me."
Holly- "GOOD GOD! Lets just say this; I'll go search for the 'lost boy' in your pants."
Hook- "Trust me there isn't one in my pants. Who do you think I am, Michael Jackson?"
Holly- "Lets turn this boat into a waterbed."
Hook- "But it's a boat."
Holly- "Listen. You're making this really, REALLY hard! Now watch me wink when I say this ok? Wow Captain I'm feeling really hot (wink). I must have (wink) cabin fever. Maybe WE (wink) should go lie down."
Hook- "Oh, all you need is a little fresh air."
Holly- (grabs Captain Hook and rips off his shirt) "I'm going to touch you like no pirates ever been touched before!"
[She picks Hook up under her arms and drags him into the boat.
They make some HUGE waves late into the night.]
[Peter Pan, who had been chasing Masonfish around underwater, drowned and died.
Now Hook is the supreme pimp master of Forever Horny Land. (He renamed it. Everyone felt it was more accurate.)]
[Speaking of Masonfish, we now join him as he sits in his wheelchair at a dark truck stop outside of DC.]
Mason- "Umm. Kate? Whatsh are yoush doing?"
Kate- "What? What do you mean? I'm not doing anything."
[She ties off a big rope to Mason's Wheelchair.]
Mason- "No, Kate, sherioushly, your shcaring me."
Kate- "I'm sorry. Did I ruin your Christmas?"
Mason- "I'm Jewish."
Kate- "You mean Jewfish! Ahahahahahah!"
[Out of nowhere a rock flies in and hits Kate.]
Kate- (cough) "Yeah I deserved that."
Mason- "That washnt even funnshy. Shat was jusht shad."
Kate- "You know, I bet some trucker around here would give anything to have a nice fish like you for a meal."
Mason- "I'll shut up."
Kate- "Good. Ill be right back."
[She walks off towards the back of a truck, and ties the other end of the rope to it.
Then she comes back to Mason.]
Kate- "That truck is going to Arizona."
Mason- "Sho? What do I'sh care?"
Kate- "Your going to Arizona."
Mason- "What? No I'm notsh."
Kate- "Bye, Bye Mason."
Mason- "Shit."
[The truck turns on, and starts to move forward. The rope goes tight, and Mason starts to roll.]
[Kate runs up and hands him some goggles.]
Kate- "Incase he runs over any road kill. I'd for some raccoon corpse to lodged in you eye. I'd feel sorry for the raccoon."
Mason- "No Katsh! Don't do thish! I'll give yoush money!"
Kate- "What was that? You think this is funny?"
[As Mason is rolling away, she grabs a rabid badger from in one of the dumpsters and duct tapes it to Mason.]
Kate- "Now THAT is funny."
Mason- "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!"
[The truck drives off, and Mason enthusiastically follows.]
[The Badger is kinda grouchy though. I hope Mason brought some badger food for his trip.]
[Meanwhile, Clarice and Hannibal are having wild sex. Need I say more? Not really. Just know that Hannibal DID go out and buy a whip and cowboy boots. And Clarice found a nice cowboy hat. Is that Kinky or what? The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one thing, but the Texas Sexcowboy Lecter is like wow. Talk about a cult film. Cult is right. Want to know what the Holy water is? I thought not.]
[Suddenly, the door to Hannibal's hotel room swings open.]
[Hannibal, who is straddling Clarice (Oh there's no saddle on these two ponies), drops his whip.
Standing in the doorway is a man in a black duster and big black cowboy boots. In his hand he holds a shiny metal revolver. He cocks it. (Clarice reads that part of the script and giggles.)
Mysterious Cowboy- "Hey, pardner, that there is my Clarice."
Hannibal- o.0 "You have an English accent.."
Mysterious Cowboy- "What? Oh. Damn. You suck Hannibal."
Hannibal- "No I don't suck Hannibal, Clarice does."
[Clarice has Hannibal's entire left hand stuck in her mouth.]
Mysterious Cowboy- "Oh thank god its his hand. I thought you meant something else."
[Clarice starts to inhale Hannibal's ear.]
Mysterious Cowboy- "Do you even know what body parts your supposed to be using??"
Clarice- "Yeah, but we are trying to keep this rated PG-13."
Mysterious Cowboy- "Oh, well where's the fun in that?"
Hannibal- "Hey man, your preaching to the choir."
[In the back of the hotel is a bunch of members of the local church choir.]
Mysterious Cowboy- "Good freakin god that is just sick."
Hannibal- "I don't know how they got in here, but they wanted to stay, so yeah."
Mysterious Cowboy- "Well, that's kinky. But anyway isn't anyone going to ask who I am?"
Clarice- "No. We know who you are, Severus Snape. I saw your wand when you came in."
Snape- "But uh I don't have my wand with me."
Clarice- "No. your pants are unzipped."
Snape- "Oh. Well pardon me for going commando."
Clarice- "Oh that's fine. Just watch where you cast your spells with that thing."
[Clarice giggles]
Snape- "Don't worry. I once beat down an entire house of evil whores with it, without hurting a single other person."
Hannibal- "Beat them down?"
Snape- "With my wand."
Hannibal- "You mean your wang?"
Snape- "Wand, wang, potato, potahto, tomato, orgasm, its all the same."
Hannibal- o.0 "Ok sure. Umm. Wow."
Snape- "This is very awkward."
Hannibal- "It is indeed."
[All of a sudden, another person comes flying in the door behind Snape. She picks him up, stuffs him in a bag, and runs out.]
Hannibal- "Who gave Holly a bag big enough to carry bodies in? You should have known that was a bad idea."
Clarice- "Less bag, More shag!"
[She yanks on the brim of Hannibal's cowboy hat and pulls him to the ground.]
[For three hours, a rodeo like you've never seen goes on in Hannibal's Hotel room.
They end up breaking through the floor of Hannibal's second story room and falling down into the room below them.]
Xenia- "Holy shit! The roof of my hotel room collapsed!"
Clarice- (covered in dust, plaster, and drool) "OH whoa! XENIA!"
Xenia- "Holy Kinkpickle!"
Hannibal- "Oww! I'm being crushed by a beam!"
Clarice- "Oh be quite. Your wang isn't THAT heavy."
Xenia- "So you guys were the ones I heard up stairs! From down here it sounded like a bunch of three hundred pound cowboys had got together for a square dance."
[And on that note they all have sex.]
[Somewhere in Arizona three days later.]
[The truck is stopped at a truck stop. The trucker is walking to his semi from the truck stop diner when he noticed a strange lump of something lying on the ground behind his truck.]
Trucker- "Uuh oh. I hopes I didn't gone and run over one o'dem cactopi youngins."
[He walks back and sees Mason lying on the ground covered in cactus.]
Trucker- "Hurly Shoot! It be a doggoned cactopi! I hear dems is future tellers or something the like. Is you one o'dem cactopi's with carrot cards?"
Mason- "Errrshhhgggg I'm insh pain."
Trucker- "Well poke me in the eye and call me roadkill! He gone said its gonna rain! Ill damned. And in this here state of Areezona too!"
Mason- "I.. I'm loshing blood."
Trucker- "Well boy howdy! I'd like to be yer bud too! Friends fer'ever aint that right cactopie!"
Mason- "If yoush kill me, ill give you anyshing you wantsh!"
Trucker- "You wanna feel me and sing me songs? Doesn't ya think it's a tad early in our here relayshonsheep to be song singin'?
Mason- "Whysh doesh god hatesh me sho much?"
Trucker- "Yeah, I does got some plates an' cups. Why? You done thinking about havin' us a little tea party wasn't ya'!"
Mason- "I Hopesh you rot in hell."
Trucker- "Why yes, my little cactopi, you dun rung my bell. Hehehe yer gonna be here sitting in da front seat with me."
Mason- [Tries to hold his breath and pass out.]
THE END.
(Now, if you want to know what happened to Clarice's bras, a man by the name of MAGNETO took them! And now it is up to The X-Men and Clarice to get them back before Magneto rules the world..what? He can do that you know. He is a talented man. So, if you want to know what happens, you will have to read X-Men 2: 2. It will be up shortly. [Runs off laughing all evil like.])
Disclaimers: Don't own anything except ourselves. We added more characters. This is such a random chapter..
(Chapter 10: Clarice and Hannibal are in Hannibal's hotel room doing dirty, erotic things in bed.)
Clarice- "Omg Hannibal that's the perfect place to put that!"
Hannibal- "I know! It fits like a glove!"
Clarice- "Its cause they were made to be together, Hannibal. God meant it to be this way."
(God- "Yeah I'm sick like that.")
Hannibal- "OH YES! Ill just stick this in right here.and oops got a little spillage."
Clarice- "Oh don't worry ill just lick that right off."
Hannibal- "Oh now watch your tongue! If you lick it, it'll get soggy."
Clarice- "Oh a little saliva never hurt it. Besides, its so hard I don't think it CAN get soggy."
Hannibal- "You'd be surprised how fast they can go from hard and crispy to soft and sad."
Clarice- "Well that's why we should be doing this in the kitchen. We don't want to make a mess on your bed."
Hannibal- "This isn't the kind of thing the hotel wants to be done on the kitchen tables."
Clarice- "That's true and Hanni, be careful, your meat is getting all over me."
Hannibal- "Oh sorry, was never good at holding on to my meat."
Clarice- "Oh your just afraid of a little mess its no big deal. See? The meat can be juicy, but it feels good on your hands."
Hannibal- "You know Ill let you handle my meat from now on. Ill stick to opening up your squishy little package of hot sauce."
Clarice- "Ok you do that but don't get it all on your fingers because once it gets on your fingers it'll end up all over everything."
Hannibal- "This time I'll wash my hands afterwards."
Clarice- "Ok that's good. And hmm, are you ready to use those?"
Hannibal- "Well they are still juicy so I don't see why not. Just be careful not to squish them. Obviously this wont work with out them."
Clarice- "Ok yeah so ill just grab those two plump little tomatoes... and wow Hanni these are very big."
Hannibal- "Yeah I know that's why there's always that bulge down there."
Clarice- "Oh I thought it was just coconut or something. Of course, then you gotta' wonder why you'd be keeping a coconut in there."
Hannibal- "Yeah that would squish all the other stuff. And nothing ruins this like a smooshed package of meat and leaking fruits."
Clarice- "Its because the hotel fridge's are so damn small. I mean they don't even give you place to put tomatoes."
Hannibal- "Well they are also not expecting you to put a coconut in there either!"
[Hannibal and Clarice are sitting on Hannibal's bed making home-made tacos. Why? What did you think they were doing?]
Clarice- "I hope these tacos turn out good, for all the work we are putting into them."
Hannibal- "Well its nice to get down and dirty with food for once. I've never felt a taco shell like this before."
Clarice- "Yeah everything is different when you have to do it by hand. You can't pay people to do it for you. Besides, when you go around buying tacos from just anyone, you never when it will contaminated and you'll get and STD."
Hannibal- "You know getting a 'Sick Taco Disease' has always been one of my worst fears."
Clarice- "Well that's why you always wear the rubber gloves when making tacos."
Hannibal- "But we aren't wearing gloves."
Clarice- "That's because we are both clean. You don't have Hole In Vegetable do you?"
Hannibal- "Nope. My head of lettuce is clean. I ran it under cold water."
Clarice- "You know I heard that makes it shrink."
Hannibal- "Sometimes it does, but here, feel it. It's as big as ever, right?"
Obviously, these are some damn good tacos. I wish I could get a piece of that.
Clarice- "Well we are just about done. Just a few finishing globs of hot sauce add a little cheese..."
[Just then, someone knocks on the hotel room door.]
Hannibal- (Sets down his taco) "Now who the hell could that be?"
Clarice- "Go see."
Hannibal- "But I don't have any pants on!"
Clarice- "Is it my fault that you like cooking naked? No, it isn't. Although I can't say I don't enjoy it. A lot."
[Hannibal stands up.]
Hannibal- "I don't know where I put my pants."
Clarice- "Just improvise."
[Hannibal looks around the room. He sees a brown paper grocery bag that he used to buy the taco materials from Albertsons. He picks it up, and sticks both his legs through the bottom, pulling the big up his legs until his lower torso area is safely concealed inside the bag.]
Clarice- "Watch out for paper cuts."
Hannibal- "Don't scare me like that!"
[Hannibal walks over and opens the door.]
Hannibal- "Holy fucking son of a German Nazi cow! Jack Crawford? What the hell are you doing here?"
[Crawford is standing outside the door. (Obviously. Where else would he be? ON the door?)]
Crawford- "I just learned you were staying at this hotel from Mr. Krendler, and I had to come visit. Where are your pants?"
Hannibal- "What are you talking about? I am wearing pants!"
Crawford- "Well your 'pants' say Albertsons right across the crotch, and uh they don't cover much. Did you leave a banana in the bag, or is that just."
Hannibal- "IT'S A BANANA! Ok stop asking about my fruit! If I like to wear brown paper pants with Albertsons on them and a banana in my crotch that's my decision, not yours!"
Crawford- "Well.ok.but.your kiwi's fell out."
Hannibal- (glare) "I wish you wouldn't call them kiwis... that's so not masculine. A kiwi is what you'd call Krendler's. I prefer to call mine 'Pineapples'. Think about the name for a moment and you'll get it."
Crawford- 0.0 "No really, Dr. Lecter, some Kiwis fell out of the bag."
[Hannibal looks on the floor between his feet, and sees three kiwis.]
Hannibal- "Now either that's a very strange way to start a foot fetish, or these kiwis are just sick."
[Hannibal picks up the kiwis and hands them to Crawford.]
Hannibal- "Here, you look like you need kiwis in your pants more than I do. And if you'll excuse me, Agent Starling has to peel my banana."
[Hannibal turns and starts to close the door.]
[Crawford jumps inside before Hannibal closes it.]
Crawford- "No wait, don't make me leave. I'm so lonely. I feel like Carlos at straight bar."
Hannibal- [Twitch]
Hannibal- "Ok, Crawford. I'm too horny right now to get pissed at you, but- " (Twitch)"-If you don't leave I'm going to be forced to that's right, CALL YOUR MOTHER!"
Crawford- 0.0
Crawford- "NEEOOOO!! She'll spank me and call me a bad boy and then tie me to the wall and whip me!"
Hannibal- "OMG Clarice are you writing all this down? This is excellent material. Guaranteed masochistic Kink-factor."
[Clarice takes out a pencil and a notepad and draws a picture of Hannibal duct taped to the wall naked.]
Clarice- "Yeah ok I got it!"
Crawford- "Please don't make me leave."
Hannibal- (Twitch twitch) "LEAVE now!"
[Hannibal rips of the brown bag from around his special area and stuffs it over Crawford's head. He then shoves Crawford out the door, and slams it shut.]
[Then Hannibal dives onto the bed, sending taco ingredients flying everywhere. Beneath a shower of cheese, meat, lettuce, and tomatoes, Clarice peels Hannibal's banana like a Russian vegetarian whore who's addicted to the color yellow. (I saw her eat a goldfish once. Sad really, especially for Mason. A death in the family is always hard.)]
[Meanwhile, Holly is faced with her own problem. And his name is The Stupid Loser. Or wait, no that's his last name. His first name is Paul. And uh somewhere in there it says Krendler. His parents were drunk when they named him. And when they had him, too.
Holly is sneaking through the hallways outside of Krendlers office, wearing her new ninja suit (a black trashbag with leg, arms, and eyeholes cut out). She has murder on her mind.]
Holly- "Mohahahah! I shall eliminate Krendler once and for all! His crazy monkey like stupidity and feces tossing will be no more!"
[She creeps silently along the hallway towards Krendlers office.
Once at the door, she pulls out her huge Ninja Sword. (It's a bunch of colored pencils taped together and spray painted gray. Yeah, the FBI is cool. Very cool.)]
Holly- "Now for the moment of truth, HIYA!"
[She kicks open the door and storms into Krendler's office, swinging her sword around all insanely. She knocks over a lamp that was sitting on a small table.]
Krendler- "Ahh! Damnit! That was my grandmas lamp!"
Holly- (picks up the lamp and dusts it off, puts it back on the shelf) "Sorry it's a big sword you know."
Krendler- "Oh I understand but uhh are you going to kill me?"
Holly- "Yeah I was really planning on it. Why, does that not work for you?"
Krendler- "No, not really."
Holly- "Oh,well. You know."
[She charges at him with her colored pencil sword, and jabs him in the stomach.
The colored pencils break.]
Krendler- "Ouch.that almost hurt actually."
Holly- "Ummm. Fuck. Those were the colored pencils I use to draw. Krendler, you owe me some colored pencils."
Krednler- "Me? I do? What the hell? You're the one who stabbed ME!"
Holly- "Oh it was bound to happen anyway. If I didn't do it, someone else would've."
Krendler- "You have a point. Well, what are you going to do now?"
Holly- "I don't know. Do you have any colored pencils I could borrow?"
Krendler- "I could look and see. Have a seat. This might take a minute."
[Holly sits down in the chair on the other side of Krendlers desk.]
[She adjusts her ninja suit.]
Krendler- "Ok well. I don't think I have any. but I do have this normal pencil."
Holly- "Is it sharp?"
Krendler- "No and I don't have a pencil sharpener either. Masons wheelchair broke and he had to take it and use it for his motor."
Holly- "Well that's creative. I didn't know fish were so resourceful."
Krendler- "Fish? What now?"
Holly- "Did I say fish? I mean fillet of fish."
Krendler- 0.0
Holly- "Oh woops. I didn't mean that either. I always get confused when talking atrout fish. I mean about. and not about fish. About Masonfish. I mean tuna. No not tuna! Sardines? Wait isn't that a fruit? Mason is a fruit. But fish. I mean fish. No. not fish. Mason. There we go. That's what I meant to say. Catfish. A hairy fish? Does Mason purr? Wait omg never mind please don't answer that. Damn me and my largemouth bass. I mean big mouth. Wow I'm lost. Did you say salmon? I mean something. Did you say something? Wow I don't feel good all of a sudden. I must be eel. I mean ill. I think I'm ill. I don't pike this at all. Pike? Like. I don't like pike. My head hurts. I think I'm going to fall over in a minnow or two. Minute. How many seconds are in a minnow? Maybe we should carp over at the beginning. Huh?"
Krendler- "OMG are you ok?"
Holly- "Wow no there is something about this room that makes me feel really stupid."
[She glances at Krendler, who is trying to stick his keyboard up his left nostril.]
Holly- "Oh. Ok. That explains just about everything."
[Krendler coughs, twitches, and falls out of his chair.]
Krendler- "GAH! Eep! Neerp-fooh!"
Holly- "Whoa. Are you ok?"
Krendler- "AHH! I think I inhaled the Backspace Key."
[He lays on the floor and coughs and twitches for several minutes, while Holly folds some paper airplanes with some files that Krendler had on his desk.]
Krendler- "GACK! Errk! Crrrooooo! Gaaaaaa! Hrrrup!"
[He stands up, and pulls a big plastic keyboard key out of his mouth.]
Krendler- "Well whaddaya know, it was the Shift key. Now that's something."
[Holly throws a paper airplane. It flies around the room and bumps into the wall.]
Holly- "Woo! What a rush!"
[She throws another one. It does a circle around the desk then sticks right in Krendlers eye.]
Krendlers Eye- POINK!
Airplane- JAB
Eye- sploot
[The airplane is stuck in Krendlers eye.]
Krendler- "ARRGG!!!"
[He falls over again.]
Krendler- "AHH! My eye! I can't see! Oh the pain! There's a pilot in my pupil!"
Holly- "OMG! There's a airplane in your iris!"
The Cat in the Hat- "Holy shit! There's a wumplebear in my underwear!"
[Holly and Krendler both pause and stare at the Cat in the Hat.]
Cat in the Hat- (hanging his head) "Yes, I know I'm sick."
[He shuffles out of the room very sullenly. But right before he gets to the door, he turns around and runs back into the room, grabs Krendlers keyboard, and puts it in his pants.]
[Then he runs back out of the room making weird noises like Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama.]
Cat in the Hat- "Woob woob woob woob woob woob!"
[For several minutes, Holly and Krendler stand there staring at the door. Krendlers eye is slowly leaking out of his skull.]
Holly- 0.0 "He wears pants? I've never noticed."
Krendler- "Neither have I. But to tell you the truth, I've never really had a cat fetish anyway. I'd prefer NOT to have to cough up hairballs the morning after."
Holly- 0.0 "I wonder why God hasn't killed you yet..."
Krendler- "I'm amazingly resistant to lightening."
Holly- "Well isn't that just the cats meow."
[Outside, The Cat in the Hat gets hit by car and screams like a hundred ostriches getting made into ostrich burgers.]
Krendler- "Cats are annoying."
Holly- "And so are you."
Krendler- "You know... you're very mean to m-"[Holly breaks a light bulb and sticks the broken end in Krendlers spine.]
[Krendler falls over.]
[He twitches.]
Krendler- "Oh good god! It burns! My life is flashing before my eyes!"
** Flashback **
[Two Smurfs are standing on a street corner in a big city.]
Papa Smurf- "I'm Horny."
Mama Smurf- "I'm a Smurf."
Papa Smurf- "AHH! We were made for each other! Take me now!"
[The two Smurfs jump into the nearest newspaper box, and make hideous, creepy love.]
[Three hours later a tiny little Krendler slides out the door of the paper box.]
Paper Smurf- "OMG! That's the most Hideous Smurf baby I've ever seen!"
Baby Krendler- Gurgle.
Mama Smurf- "EEK! He's bubbling!! Let's get outa' here!"
[The two Smurfs jump out of the paper box and bounce down the street. (sadly they made the bad decision of standing beneath the tire of a bus that was parked next to the sidewalk. Ever wonder who came up with the idea for blueberry pancakes? Smurfs mashed into dirt looks a lot like a fruity pancake to a stoned Diner employee.)]
Baby Krendler- "Bloobmorf."
[He gets dragged off into an alley by a Hungry Hungry Hobo. The hobo soon comes to pity Baby
Krendler, and raises him as his own.]
**Back to reality now***
Krendler- "You gotta love those childhood memories."
Holly- "That. that was evil. Pure evil."
Satan- "Hey don't look at me, I'm not a horny Smurf!"
Holly- "What are you doing here?"
Satan- "I'm stalking the Cat in the Hat. Have you seen him?"
[Holly points out the door.]
Satan- "Ahhhh! Thank you so much for your help. Here, as a token of my gratitude, take this coupon. Commit one sin and get the other one half off! Its great for shoplifting something, then throwing it at a little kid."
[Satan runs out the door.]
Krendler- "You know I was hoping the last moments of my life WOULDN'T involve idiotic random crap appearing out of nowhere."
Holly- "Don't blame me, I'm not writing the script."
Krendler- "Fucking teenagers that have no lives!" [He shakes his fist then falls over dead.]
[Holly steals his lampshade then runs out of the office.]
[Meanwhile in NeverLand...]
Captain Hook- "Arrg!"
[He stands there looking all cool.]
Captain Hook- "All hail the Supreme Overlord Undressable Pirate! That's right! I am your S.O.U.P! Much like chicken noodle soup, only I'm not a chicken and my noodle isn't warm and soggy."
[All the pirate ho's try to jump on his boat.]
[The boat pulls to a stop by the docks.]
Hook- (suave pimp laugh) "I know you all want me."
[Just then, Holly flies out of nowhere wearing the lampshade on her head. She lands right in front of Hook and quacks.]
Hook- "What the hell?"
Holly- "Hello Captain. I'm here to walk your plank."
Hook- "What? The plank is over there."
Holly- "No, I mean YOUR plank."
Hook- "I don't get it. The plank is over there."
Holly- "Jeebus! How could you not get that! Ok umm lemme rephrase it. I'm here to raise your sails."
Hook- "But we are docked right now. There's no point."
Holly- (gritting her teeth in frustration) "Ok, Captain. want to be your HOOKer."
Hook- "Uhh I can only have one Hook. I still have a hand left."
Holly- "Forking Monkey Tails Man! Don't you get it!?"
Hook- ".... You lost me."
Holly- "GOOD GOD! Lets just say this; I'll go search for the 'lost boy' in your pants."
Hook- "Trust me there isn't one in my pants. Who do you think I am, Michael Jackson?"
Holly- "Lets turn this boat into a waterbed."
Hook- "But it's a boat."
Holly- "Listen. You're making this really, REALLY hard! Now watch me wink when I say this ok? Wow Captain I'm feeling really hot (wink). I must have (wink) cabin fever. Maybe WE (wink) should go lie down."
Hook- "Oh, all you need is a little fresh air."
Holly- (grabs Captain Hook and rips off his shirt) "I'm going to touch you like no pirates ever been touched before!"
[She picks Hook up under her arms and drags him into the boat.
They make some HUGE waves late into the night.]
[Peter Pan, who had been chasing Masonfish around underwater, drowned and died.
Now Hook is the supreme pimp master of Forever Horny Land. (He renamed it. Everyone felt it was more accurate.)]
[Speaking of Masonfish, we now join him as he sits in his wheelchair at a dark truck stop outside of DC.]
Mason- "Umm. Kate? Whatsh are yoush doing?"
Kate- "What? What do you mean? I'm not doing anything."
[She ties off a big rope to Mason's Wheelchair.]
Mason- "No, Kate, sherioushly, your shcaring me."
Kate- "I'm sorry. Did I ruin your Christmas?"
Mason- "I'm Jewish."
Kate- "You mean Jewfish! Ahahahahahah!"
[Out of nowhere a rock flies in and hits Kate.]
Kate- (cough) "Yeah I deserved that."
Mason- "That washnt even funnshy. Shat was jusht shad."
Kate- "You know, I bet some trucker around here would give anything to have a nice fish like you for a meal."
Mason- "I'll shut up."
Kate- "Good. Ill be right back."
[She walks off towards the back of a truck, and ties the other end of the rope to it.
Then she comes back to Mason.]
Kate- "That truck is going to Arizona."
Mason- "Sho? What do I'sh care?"
Kate- "Your going to Arizona."
Mason- "What? No I'm notsh."
Kate- "Bye, Bye Mason."
Mason- "Shit."
[The truck turns on, and starts to move forward. The rope goes tight, and Mason starts to roll.]
[Kate runs up and hands him some goggles.]
Kate- "Incase he runs over any road kill. I'd for some raccoon corpse to lodged in you eye. I'd feel sorry for the raccoon."
Mason- "No Katsh! Don't do thish! I'll give yoush money!"
Kate- "What was that? You think this is funny?"
[As Mason is rolling away, she grabs a rabid badger from in one of the dumpsters and duct tapes it to Mason.]
Kate- "Now THAT is funny."
Mason- "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!"
[The truck drives off, and Mason enthusiastically follows.]
[The Badger is kinda grouchy though. I hope Mason brought some badger food for his trip.]
[Meanwhile, Clarice and Hannibal are having wild sex. Need I say more? Not really. Just know that Hannibal DID go out and buy a whip and cowboy boots. And Clarice found a nice cowboy hat. Is that Kinky or what? The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one thing, but the Texas Sexcowboy Lecter is like wow. Talk about a cult film. Cult is right. Want to know what the Holy water is? I thought not.]
[Suddenly, the door to Hannibal's hotel room swings open.]
[Hannibal, who is straddling Clarice (Oh there's no saddle on these two ponies), drops his whip.
Standing in the doorway is a man in a black duster and big black cowboy boots. In his hand he holds a shiny metal revolver. He cocks it. (Clarice reads that part of the script and giggles.)
Mysterious Cowboy- "Hey, pardner, that there is my Clarice."
Hannibal- o.0 "You have an English accent.."
Mysterious Cowboy- "What? Oh. Damn. You suck Hannibal."
Hannibal- "No I don't suck Hannibal, Clarice does."
[Clarice has Hannibal's entire left hand stuck in her mouth.]
Mysterious Cowboy- "Oh thank god its his hand. I thought you meant something else."
[Clarice starts to inhale Hannibal's ear.]
Mysterious Cowboy- "Do you even know what body parts your supposed to be using??"
Clarice- "Yeah, but we are trying to keep this rated PG-13."
Mysterious Cowboy- "Oh, well where's the fun in that?"
Hannibal- "Hey man, your preaching to the choir."
[In the back of the hotel is a bunch of members of the local church choir.]
Mysterious Cowboy- "Good freakin god that is just sick."
Hannibal- "I don't know how they got in here, but they wanted to stay, so yeah."
Mysterious Cowboy- "Well, that's kinky. But anyway isn't anyone going to ask who I am?"
Clarice- "No. We know who you are, Severus Snape. I saw your wand when you came in."
Snape- "But uh I don't have my wand with me."
Clarice- "No. your pants are unzipped."
Snape- "Oh. Well pardon me for going commando."
Clarice- "Oh that's fine. Just watch where you cast your spells with that thing."
[Clarice giggles]
Snape- "Don't worry. I once beat down an entire house of evil whores with it, without hurting a single other person."
Hannibal- "Beat them down?"
Snape- "With my wand."
Hannibal- "You mean your wang?"
Snape- "Wand, wang, potato, potahto, tomato, orgasm, its all the same."
Hannibal- o.0 "Ok sure. Umm. Wow."
Snape- "This is very awkward."
Hannibal- "It is indeed."
[All of a sudden, another person comes flying in the door behind Snape. She picks him up, stuffs him in a bag, and runs out.]
Hannibal- "Who gave Holly a bag big enough to carry bodies in? You should have known that was a bad idea."
Clarice- "Less bag, More shag!"
[She yanks on the brim of Hannibal's cowboy hat and pulls him to the ground.]
[For three hours, a rodeo like you've never seen goes on in Hannibal's Hotel room.
They end up breaking through the floor of Hannibal's second story room and falling down into the room below them.]
Xenia- "Holy shit! The roof of my hotel room collapsed!"
Clarice- (covered in dust, plaster, and drool) "OH whoa! XENIA!"
Xenia- "Holy Kinkpickle!"
Hannibal- "Oww! I'm being crushed by a beam!"
Clarice- "Oh be quite. Your wang isn't THAT heavy."
Xenia- "So you guys were the ones I heard up stairs! From down here it sounded like a bunch of three hundred pound cowboys had got together for a square dance."
[And on that note they all have sex.]
[Somewhere in Arizona three days later.]
[The truck is stopped at a truck stop. The trucker is walking to his semi from the truck stop diner when he noticed a strange lump of something lying on the ground behind his truck.]
Trucker- "Uuh oh. I hopes I didn't gone and run over one o'dem cactopi youngins."
[He walks back and sees Mason lying on the ground covered in cactus.]
Trucker- "Hurly Shoot! It be a doggoned cactopi! I hear dems is future tellers or something the like. Is you one o'dem cactopi's with carrot cards?"
Mason- "Errrshhhgggg I'm insh pain."
Trucker- "Well poke me in the eye and call me roadkill! He gone said its gonna rain! Ill damned. And in this here state of Areezona too!"
Mason- "I.. I'm loshing blood."
Trucker- "Well boy howdy! I'd like to be yer bud too! Friends fer'ever aint that right cactopie!"
Mason- "If yoush kill me, ill give you anyshing you wantsh!"
Trucker- "You wanna feel me and sing me songs? Doesn't ya think it's a tad early in our here relayshonsheep to be song singin'?
Mason- "Whysh doesh god hatesh me sho much?"
Trucker- "Yeah, I does got some plates an' cups. Why? You done thinking about havin' us a little tea party wasn't ya'!"
Mason- "I Hopesh you rot in hell."
Trucker- "Why yes, my little cactopi, you dun rung my bell. Hehehe yer gonna be here sitting in da front seat with me."
Mason- [Tries to hold his breath and pass out.]
THE END.
(Now, if you want to know what happened to Clarice's bras, a man by the name of MAGNETO took them! And now it is up to The X-Men and Clarice to get them back before Magneto rules the world..what? He can do that you know. He is a talented man. So, if you want to know what happens, you will have to read X-Men 2: 2. It will be up shortly. [Runs off laughing all evil like.])