I was bleeding, crying, screaming silently, inside. A repeat performance,
shall we say, had left me in pain. Harry had been in the common room under
his invisibility cloak when I was in there sitting alone. Well, I thought
I had been alone. The attack was so sudden. I didn't have time scream,
think, breathe. He didn't say anything to me this time. I felt like a
toy, being used and disposed of whenever he felt like it.
Afterwards, when the common room really was empty, I sobbed hysterically to myself. I felt lost inside, a lost soul. I had no direction, no hope; I didn't know where I was going or what I was feeling. Everything inside of me and in my world had been turned upside down. My room had been checked, probably by Ginny, for alcohol. Apparently Dumbledore didn't trust me to drink. Ha, what, little Miss Granger turned into a depressive alcoholic? Never. Drinking was out of the question, as were any other substance. At this late hour, even Madame Pomfrey would be nodding off in her chair, so no chance of appointing myself to the hospital wing.
I thought perhaps I was just making excuses for myself. Since when did Poppy Pomfrey ever turn a student away from the hospital wing because it was night? The truth was, I didn't want any company. How could I know who to trust anymore? Harry had been my best friend for years and then. well, look what happened to him. It was online Snape, or the image of Snape that I had built up inside my head, that I could trust.
A few hours might have passed before the tears stopped and I was able to stand. 3 o'clock I read on my watch. Or was it 12:15? I couldn't tell from the tears that blinded me. All I could see was that it was dark outside. My mind didn't even have to consider what to do next. My legs were, although still shaking, taking me down the dingy corridors. My hand traced along the stone walls to guide me. My knees unexpectedly gave way and I was thrown onto the hard floor. A sob of surprise escaped my throat. I push myself off the floor and stood, a little wary. I stood with my back to the wall and paused, hearing nothing but the sound of my own breathe.
I was almost at the end of the corridor, where I was to turn right and out of the doors. To my left, a torch on the wall suddenly lit up. I held my breath and didn't dare myself to move. Someone was near me. My eyes flickered over to where the light was, and I couldn't see anyone, except my own shadow. Still convinced someone was around, I very slowly and carefully slid my back down the wall so I was crouching low on the floor, with my back still to the wall.
Then I heard the swish of a cloak. The shadow quickly followed, heading in the direction of Hogwarts front doors. A quiet squeak escaped the rusty hinges as the door was shut behind the silent roaming figure. Was I hallucinating? Had I seen a ghost? Not that surprising to find a ghost in the corridors of Hogwarts, but had it been Sir Nicholas or the Bloody Baron or their friends, they surely would have said hello and interrogated me for being out so late. And it certainly wasn't Peeves, for he never misses a single trick and as soon as he spotted me he would have woken the whole castle up with his screaming and shouting.
Whoever, or whatever, it was, they shouldn't have been out this late. Following the Gryffindor stereotype, I stood up straight and decided to follow this mystery figure that had haunted my mind and thoughts for so long. As I walked along in silence towards the huge oak doors, I considered that this cloaked individual might not be who I longed it to be. What would I do then? Getting in trouble didn't bother me. Being friends with Harry and Ron for over 6 years had certainly got me into some serious trouble, I could handle that. What I was worried about was my heart. The only thing keeping me going was the belief in my head that Snape was watching over and looking out for me. I often cried and longed for us to be closer. I wanted to be his friend, if nothing else. I wanted to be the one to make him open up and be the one that he could confide in. Whenever I thought back to 3 years ago, I remember some of the good memories; making him smile for the first time, borrowing books from him. then the bad memories took over. The humiliation I felt in class and the torture I felt when our friendship was over.
I opened the oak doors a little and snuck my body through the gap sideways. It was lighter outside, because of the light reflecting off the moon and the stars that lit the clear black sky. Still a little blurry eyed, my feet padded over the damp grass. I felt dizzy. The night's events were too much for me. I let my legs direct me wherever they wanted. I didn't care. I was passed caring.
I wanted to stop at my favourite secluded spot, but I noticed the wooden bench a few yards away. Sitting on a bench was far more inviting than sitting on the moist grass. I sat down slowly and led my head roll back. The stars had never meant much to me. I found Astrology incredibly boring, but tonight they looked down on me and looked beautiful. It seemed to me that the night's splendour was wasted. What did the day have that the night could not cater for? More tranquillity than daylight could ever offer, that was for sure. I pulled my feet up onto the bench and hugged my knees and sang in a whisper to myself.
"Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies,
So I don't know what's real and what's not.
Always confusing the thoughts in my head,
So I can't trust myself anymore.
I'm dying again."
A shadow behind me stirred. I stiffened, both curious and scared. I could feel it drawing closer, taking slow, careful steps. I didn't dare to turn around. A hand gently rested on my right shoulder. For a split second my heart stopped. The thought had crossed my mind that the hand might have belonged to Harry. I turned my head slowly, and the hand left my shoulder.
Afterwards, when the common room really was empty, I sobbed hysterically to myself. I felt lost inside, a lost soul. I had no direction, no hope; I didn't know where I was going or what I was feeling. Everything inside of me and in my world had been turned upside down. My room had been checked, probably by Ginny, for alcohol. Apparently Dumbledore didn't trust me to drink. Ha, what, little Miss Granger turned into a depressive alcoholic? Never. Drinking was out of the question, as were any other substance. At this late hour, even Madame Pomfrey would be nodding off in her chair, so no chance of appointing myself to the hospital wing.
I thought perhaps I was just making excuses for myself. Since when did Poppy Pomfrey ever turn a student away from the hospital wing because it was night? The truth was, I didn't want any company. How could I know who to trust anymore? Harry had been my best friend for years and then. well, look what happened to him. It was online Snape, or the image of Snape that I had built up inside my head, that I could trust.
A few hours might have passed before the tears stopped and I was able to stand. 3 o'clock I read on my watch. Or was it 12:15? I couldn't tell from the tears that blinded me. All I could see was that it was dark outside. My mind didn't even have to consider what to do next. My legs were, although still shaking, taking me down the dingy corridors. My hand traced along the stone walls to guide me. My knees unexpectedly gave way and I was thrown onto the hard floor. A sob of surprise escaped my throat. I push myself off the floor and stood, a little wary. I stood with my back to the wall and paused, hearing nothing but the sound of my own breathe.
I was almost at the end of the corridor, where I was to turn right and out of the doors. To my left, a torch on the wall suddenly lit up. I held my breath and didn't dare myself to move. Someone was near me. My eyes flickered over to where the light was, and I couldn't see anyone, except my own shadow. Still convinced someone was around, I very slowly and carefully slid my back down the wall so I was crouching low on the floor, with my back still to the wall.
Then I heard the swish of a cloak. The shadow quickly followed, heading in the direction of Hogwarts front doors. A quiet squeak escaped the rusty hinges as the door was shut behind the silent roaming figure. Was I hallucinating? Had I seen a ghost? Not that surprising to find a ghost in the corridors of Hogwarts, but had it been Sir Nicholas or the Bloody Baron or their friends, they surely would have said hello and interrogated me for being out so late. And it certainly wasn't Peeves, for he never misses a single trick and as soon as he spotted me he would have woken the whole castle up with his screaming and shouting.
Whoever, or whatever, it was, they shouldn't have been out this late. Following the Gryffindor stereotype, I stood up straight and decided to follow this mystery figure that had haunted my mind and thoughts for so long. As I walked along in silence towards the huge oak doors, I considered that this cloaked individual might not be who I longed it to be. What would I do then? Getting in trouble didn't bother me. Being friends with Harry and Ron for over 6 years had certainly got me into some serious trouble, I could handle that. What I was worried about was my heart. The only thing keeping me going was the belief in my head that Snape was watching over and looking out for me. I often cried and longed for us to be closer. I wanted to be his friend, if nothing else. I wanted to be the one to make him open up and be the one that he could confide in. Whenever I thought back to 3 years ago, I remember some of the good memories; making him smile for the first time, borrowing books from him. then the bad memories took over. The humiliation I felt in class and the torture I felt when our friendship was over.
I opened the oak doors a little and snuck my body through the gap sideways. It was lighter outside, because of the light reflecting off the moon and the stars that lit the clear black sky. Still a little blurry eyed, my feet padded over the damp grass. I felt dizzy. The night's events were too much for me. I let my legs direct me wherever they wanted. I didn't care. I was passed caring.
I wanted to stop at my favourite secluded spot, but I noticed the wooden bench a few yards away. Sitting on a bench was far more inviting than sitting on the moist grass. I sat down slowly and led my head roll back. The stars had never meant much to me. I found Astrology incredibly boring, but tonight they looked down on me and looked beautiful. It seemed to me that the night's splendour was wasted. What did the day have that the night could not cater for? More tranquillity than daylight could ever offer, that was for sure. I pulled my feet up onto the bench and hugged my knees and sang in a whisper to myself.
"Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies,
So I don't know what's real and what's not.
Always confusing the thoughts in my head,
So I can't trust myself anymore.
I'm dying again."
A shadow behind me stirred. I stiffened, both curious and scared. I could feel it drawing closer, taking slow, careful steps. I didn't dare to turn around. A hand gently rested on my right shoulder. For a split second my heart stopped. The thought had crossed my mind that the hand might have belonged to Harry. I turned my head slowly, and the hand left my shoulder.