DISCLAIMER:

This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books,

Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

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If Snape owned a computer back in the eighties, he would have appreciated a flying toaster, but he hadn't and did not. He barely ducked out of the way as the four-slicer sailed past his head and impacted on the wall.

"Miss Granger!"

"Hermione!" Both Filch and her father added. Filch removing himself a respectable distance away from Hermione while Mr Granger entered the kitchen and retrieved the toaster from the floor.

"Where is Dumbledore?" Snape demanded, eyeing Filch with distaste.

"Not here." Filch replied uneasily. "I was just visiting Hermione and the little ones and…"

"Accosting Miss Granger?" He asked.

"Yer what?" Mr Granger looked at Filch with the same anger and confusion he had previously directed at Snape. Behind him his daughter was vigorously rubbing her mouth and tongue on her sleeve.

"Why not?" Defiantly Hermione lifted her head, spitting out a bit of fluff. "Argus is -" Her gaze dropped to the floor and wandered about the room. "He likes cats." She added shakily.

"We're getting hitched." Filch added his face screwing up to resemble a sun-dried prune as he dragged Hermione to his side and draped his arm about her sagging shoulders. "Ain't she swanky? Would've thought a squib like me getting tied to a witch?"

Snape gaped at them – inwardly, outwardly his face looked like a piece of badly sculpted Stilton. She was insane. It was the only sensible reason. She let Filch kiss her and she … Dear Merlin had the whole world gone mad?

"Have you lost your mind Hermione?" Her father asked, looking as shocked as Snape felt.

"Dad-" she began, slipping out of Filch's clutches to hover near the kitchen sink. "It's really not that bad. Really…" She was not convincing anyone, except for Filch who puffed out his chest and put his thumbs into the lapels of his suit.

Snape hoped Hermione was quick on her feet as he felt slightly nauseous. He pinched himself to make sure he had not ingested some exotic fungal spore and this was not some sort of grotesque hallucination. Filch marrying Hermione? Ow! No, this was real.

"Mummy?" A small voice cried. "Mummy? Who's that man?"

Everyone in the room turned to consider the small boy who stood at the doorway.

"Grandad?" The little boy asked, looking up at the rumpled face of the older Granger. Mr Granger managed to swallow his astonishment enough to pat the boy on the head and give him a reassuring smile.

"It's alright Sam, perhaps he can tell you himself?"

"Over my dead body!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Don't tempt me," Snape muttered and eyed the boy as he entered the room.

Sam looked at his mother, Filch, his Grandfather and finally returned his gaze to the tall dark haired man. The stranger returned his study with a stern, yet strangely familiar scowl.

Sam spent a long time studying the man before he cautiously said, "Hello."

Snape did not reply, he simply looked down his nose as the child came further into the kitchen and stood right before him. He was irritated by the boy's manner. There must be some law about staring right back at an adult with such accusing eyes.

"What is it?" Snape finally asked, tilting his head so that his sweaty hair clung to one cheek. "What is the matter with you boy?"

Sam blinked at the tone, but stood his ground, craning his head so far back he almost tipped over. "You're my father?" He stated.

"Aye that he is lad." Filch replied. "Severus Snape."

Sam looked at Filch and frowned, he looked at his mother and shook his head. "Why doesn't he like me?"

Hermione stepped forward and put a hand on the boy's thin shoulder and squeezed it gently. "Yes Sam, this is Severus Snape and he doesn't know you to like you." The tremble in her voice was apparent to all who heard her. She smiled tightly, brushing a strand of black hair from her son's face. "Why don't you run outside and see that your brothers and sister are playing nicely?"

Sam slowly pulled his gaze away from his father and considered his mother's face, sucking in his bottom lip. "Hmm." He nodded, turning to go to the backdoor. But once there he paused to give his father one last assessing look before he vanished out of sight.

"Interesting child." Snape said.

"You will leave him alone!" Hermione picked up a spice rack and swung it up into the air, her eyes blazing. "You touch one hair on his head and I swear!"

"Swear what Ms Granger, that you will cover Severus with coriander?"

The spice rack clattered to the floor as Albus Dumbledore stepped into the kitchen. He surveyed its occupants with a tolerant eye. "Hello Severus, Argus, Mr Granger. You're lovely wife was kind enough to allow me in. I hope I'm not disturbing anything?"

"Ah… um." Mr Granger looked at the bejeweled wizard as if he were Father Christmas three months too early. "No, no, it's fine." He glanced at Filch who was sidling toward the door. "Would you like a pot of tea?"

"Tea?" Snape sneered. "You offer him tea- Where are you going Filch?"

"Hogwarts." The caretaker replied, ducking his head so as not to meet anyone's eye, "I'm expecting a consignment."

"Consignment?"

"Tripe."

"Tripe?"

"*Large*order, you know House elves, no concept of propriety."

"Before you go Argus." Albus' spoke out. "Ms Granger would like to give you back the ring."

Hermione blinked and looked at the small velvet box still clutched in her hand. She took a deep breath as everyone watched her with a mixture of trepidation and disgust. "Yes," she said, before speaking with a new determination. "I'm sorry Argus, no matter how convenient it would be I cannot marry you. Thank you for asking," She pushed the box across the kitchen bench where he picked it up and gazed at it deep in thought.

"Tripe," Albus jolted the squib caretaker from his musings.

"Yes." Filch nodded, "right you are Headmaster."

Once Filch exited the kitchen and the front door slammed shut Snape turned on Dumbledore, "Why did you drag me here old man? I was right in the middle of very important research!"

Albus ignored Severus and smiled at Hermione taking her hands in his. "How are you Hermione? How are the children?"

She relaxed under his soothing influence and allowed herself to be led into the lounge. "They grow up so fast."

"What an interesting Muggle decoration." Dumbledore commented. "Oh, it's a butterfly net."

"Don't touch that!"

"You do the tea, dear," Mrs Granger patted her husband on the arm. "I'll round up the children."

Mr Granger nodded, picked up the kettle and muttered. "Yes tea - with a good size dollop of whiskey."

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tbc