A/N: This is Sae, leaving a message on Nikolai's story. Just so you know, this is not *my* story but rather the work of my talented friend... Nikolai. Also this story is being reposted, it's been slightly revised. Alright then.. enjoy ^_^
There Is No Other But You
It used to be green and blue. There used to be a sky. There used to be a struggle. There used to be others. But now there is only red, black, and her. She was and still is the essence of both my nightmares, and my most sensual of dreams. She was my everything and my nothing. She was Asuka, but now, after what happened, who knows who she is. I see Misato in her. I see Rei. And finally, I can actually see myself. Shinji. I have found you, Shinji.
* * *
I decided not to be one with this God, with this form, with this perfect being. I wanted conflict, I wanted to communicate, I wanted to exist and have others know I exist. I had unfinished business, I had the will to live as me, and I had the power to do so. But as I had decided to separate myself from God, I had in the process, seemingly destroyed the human race with the exception of what appeared to be Asuka.
As I opened my dreadfully swollen eyes I saw the sky, which didn't seem familiar to me at all. It was like Misato's ceiling, completely new to me and in a strange way, sort of intimidating. The only difference was of course that it wasn't only a single unfamiliar room now; it was an entire unfamiliar world. It was bright out, every corner of my eye was full of light, and yet the stars were more clear than I had ever seen them before. I could see countless amounts of stars just like our sun, bursting with light, perhaps with their own little worlds surrounding them. And I thought. How beautiful it is to be me again.
I then sat up, with my eyes wide open for what felt like the first time ever, and examined my surroundings. In front of me there lied an ocean of blood, it's mists spraying ever so gently onto my face. Below me there lie a distinctively white sand and above me a streak of more blood swaying slowly across the sky. Off into the distance was Rei's head and hand sinking and decomposing into the sea of red and land of gray, white, and black. Rei, how sad it was for us to depart. And mother. Mother was—somewhere else now. At first I thought I was alone, the last human, the only survivor of a now quintessentially extinct race. But then I turned to see "her".
She was the spark to the flame of my pain, my insecurity and my ultimate injustice. And she was the last person on earth. I wasn't done yet, she deserved worse than what she got. I'll show her. I'll fucking mutilate her.
I jumped her, straddled her comatose body, and began to choke her. The feeling of killing her felt rewarding and almost gratifying.
And I continued to cry. I cried. I cried like I never have before, I achieved what I wanted in every single way possible, my father now gone and having realized his faults, a proper goodbye to my mother, and an understanding of why people hated me. And being alone like I always wanted. And now Asuka had no choice but to love me, because I was now all she had, but still, I was empty inside. I felt like there was a hole in my heart, a lost part of my soul. It was as if the death of every human had brought about the death of some aspect of myself.
But then out of nowhere Asuka did something completely unlike what she would have normally done. She—caressed me.
"How disgusting." She uttered.
Astonished at this, I jumped back, nearly splashing into the bloody ocean. She rose like the undead from a grave arching her back, lifting her chest up first and then her head. She closed her eyes but then swiftly opened them revealing her stolid stare like that of a predator to its prey.
"After all of this, after everything that has been said to you, after everything that happened, you still cry like the infant you are."
I wiped the tears off my cheek and stood up trying to put myself above her somehow. Contemplating what she was saying, I finally got enough self-assurance to say something I had wanted to say to her for what had felt like the longest time. Now that I had all the time in world. I could now tell her face to face what was really going on inside my head, assuming she already didn't know from being inside Rei.
"You are just as weak as me. And I tried to help you, and I wanted you to help me, but you had to be so goddamn arrogant as to blow me out of the water every time I got close to you! You are afraid, you are afraid of emotion, afraid of everything that could be! You're living in a façade! You are living a lie!"
"So what! What's wrong with living in a fantasy!"
"Everything! I have learned this only recently, but living in a fantasy isn't a substitute for reality! You mustn't run away Asuka!"
I mustn't run away. Rather interesting how what I have been saying all this time finally had impact on someone other than myself.
She then stared at me, and slowly collapsed onto the ground curling into a fetal-like position. She finally gave in; she had finally given up. The tears poured down her cheek. I had done it. I had made her realize what she has done to me, the pain she has given me and how it all reflects her own faults. This was it, my soul now complete…the end of one chapter the beginning of another. Everything from the past few years had finally shaped up and the pieces now all fit perfectly. What as left to do? I had no more pain. It was all gone. What else did I have to do? Awkwardly, I went to comfort her, something I was not very experienced with.
"It's okay Asuka, you have to realize what once were your problems now don't even exist anymore. We are the only ones we've got for each other. This is it!"
I shuffled over to her covered in the white sand covering the beach and put my arms around her patting her back rather apprehensively at first, but then with a welcoming attitude.
"I know it's okay, I know I have no more pain, I know my faults, and I know that I can fix them!" Her crying was getting increasingly stronger. "My life isn't even half way over and now—now, there is no reason to go on. No reason at all! So that the human race can go on? So that we can repopulate the planet? So that we can live in a world where death surrounds us perpetually? Look around you Shinji! Look at what we have done to this planet. In the name of evolution we have destroyed this earth into nothing but a wasteland of blood and burnt forests! We deserve to die. We should have died along with everyone else. I have no more purpose to my life! And neither do you!"
"There is truth in what your saying Asuka, but I don't know, your right, I mean, we look around and we see nothing but a barren wasteland. But…maybe this was the goal of NERV. Look around you Asuka what do you see?"
"I see…I see nothing, no one else, no one but you."
"Exactly, maybe NERV wanted to cleanse this earth of us, us shallow human scum. They wanted us to become the new Adam and Eve, and wanted to start over. But…as you said before…how can we start over if we have destroyed this earth?"
A voice came from the distance.
"How can you start over?"
Shinji recognized the voice. It sounded beautifully familiar. The voice that had comforted him in his times of downfall, and yet the voice that had haunted him in his nightmares. The voice of the only person to ever love him, and that he had ever loved, was an angel, and had only come to destroy mankind.
"Hello Again Shinji."
* * *
There Is No Other But You
It used to be green and blue. There used to be a sky. There used to be a struggle. There used to be others. But now there is only red, black, and her. She was and still is the essence of both my nightmares, and my most sensual of dreams. She was my everything and my nothing. She was Asuka, but now, after what happened, who knows who she is. I see Misato in her. I see Rei. And finally, I can actually see myself. Shinji. I have found you, Shinji.
* * *
I decided not to be one with this God, with this form, with this perfect being. I wanted conflict, I wanted to communicate, I wanted to exist and have others know I exist. I had unfinished business, I had the will to live as me, and I had the power to do so. But as I had decided to separate myself from God, I had in the process, seemingly destroyed the human race with the exception of what appeared to be Asuka.
As I opened my dreadfully swollen eyes I saw the sky, which didn't seem familiar to me at all. It was like Misato's ceiling, completely new to me and in a strange way, sort of intimidating. The only difference was of course that it wasn't only a single unfamiliar room now; it was an entire unfamiliar world. It was bright out, every corner of my eye was full of light, and yet the stars were more clear than I had ever seen them before. I could see countless amounts of stars just like our sun, bursting with light, perhaps with their own little worlds surrounding them. And I thought. How beautiful it is to be me again.
I then sat up, with my eyes wide open for what felt like the first time ever, and examined my surroundings. In front of me there lied an ocean of blood, it's mists spraying ever so gently onto my face. Below me there lie a distinctively white sand and above me a streak of more blood swaying slowly across the sky. Off into the distance was Rei's head and hand sinking and decomposing into the sea of red and land of gray, white, and black. Rei, how sad it was for us to depart. And mother. Mother was—somewhere else now. At first I thought I was alone, the last human, the only survivor of a now quintessentially extinct race. But then I turned to see "her".
She was the spark to the flame of my pain, my insecurity and my ultimate injustice. And she was the last person on earth. I wasn't done yet, she deserved worse than what she got. I'll show her. I'll fucking mutilate her.
I jumped her, straddled her comatose body, and began to choke her. The feeling of killing her felt rewarding and almost gratifying.
And I continued to cry. I cried. I cried like I never have before, I achieved what I wanted in every single way possible, my father now gone and having realized his faults, a proper goodbye to my mother, and an understanding of why people hated me. And being alone like I always wanted. And now Asuka had no choice but to love me, because I was now all she had, but still, I was empty inside. I felt like there was a hole in my heart, a lost part of my soul. It was as if the death of every human had brought about the death of some aspect of myself.
But then out of nowhere Asuka did something completely unlike what she would have normally done. She—caressed me.
"How disgusting." She uttered.
Astonished at this, I jumped back, nearly splashing into the bloody ocean. She rose like the undead from a grave arching her back, lifting her chest up first and then her head. She closed her eyes but then swiftly opened them revealing her stolid stare like that of a predator to its prey.
"After all of this, after everything that has been said to you, after everything that happened, you still cry like the infant you are."
I wiped the tears off my cheek and stood up trying to put myself above her somehow. Contemplating what she was saying, I finally got enough self-assurance to say something I had wanted to say to her for what had felt like the longest time. Now that I had all the time in world. I could now tell her face to face what was really going on inside my head, assuming she already didn't know from being inside Rei.
"You are just as weak as me. And I tried to help you, and I wanted you to help me, but you had to be so goddamn arrogant as to blow me out of the water every time I got close to you! You are afraid, you are afraid of emotion, afraid of everything that could be! You're living in a façade! You are living a lie!"
"So what! What's wrong with living in a fantasy!"
"Everything! I have learned this only recently, but living in a fantasy isn't a substitute for reality! You mustn't run away Asuka!"
I mustn't run away. Rather interesting how what I have been saying all this time finally had impact on someone other than myself.
She then stared at me, and slowly collapsed onto the ground curling into a fetal-like position. She finally gave in; she had finally given up. The tears poured down her cheek. I had done it. I had made her realize what she has done to me, the pain she has given me and how it all reflects her own faults. This was it, my soul now complete…the end of one chapter the beginning of another. Everything from the past few years had finally shaped up and the pieces now all fit perfectly. What as left to do? I had no more pain. It was all gone. What else did I have to do? Awkwardly, I went to comfort her, something I was not very experienced with.
"It's okay Asuka, you have to realize what once were your problems now don't even exist anymore. We are the only ones we've got for each other. This is it!"
I shuffled over to her covered in the white sand covering the beach and put my arms around her patting her back rather apprehensively at first, but then with a welcoming attitude.
"I know it's okay, I know I have no more pain, I know my faults, and I know that I can fix them!" Her crying was getting increasingly stronger. "My life isn't even half way over and now—now, there is no reason to go on. No reason at all! So that the human race can go on? So that we can repopulate the planet? So that we can live in a world where death surrounds us perpetually? Look around you Shinji! Look at what we have done to this planet. In the name of evolution we have destroyed this earth into nothing but a wasteland of blood and burnt forests! We deserve to die. We should have died along with everyone else. I have no more purpose to my life! And neither do you!"
"There is truth in what your saying Asuka, but I don't know, your right, I mean, we look around and we see nothing but a barren wasteland. But…maybe this was the goal of NERV. Look around you Asuka what do you see?"
"I see…I see nothing, no one else, no one but you."
"Exactly, maybe NERV wanted to cleanse this earth of us, us shallow human scum. They wanted us to become the new Adam and Eve, and wanted to start over. But…as you said before…how can we start over if we have destroyed this earth?"
A voice came from the distance.
"How can you start over?"
Shinji recognized the voice. It sounded beautifully familiar. The voice that had comforted him in his times of downfall, and yet the voice that had haunted him in his nightmares. The voice of the only person to ever love him, and that he had ever loved, was an angel, and had only come to destroy mankind.
"Hello Again Shinji."
* * *