The Less We Live
I found myself standing in front of Kaworu, under some strange sort of spotlight. We were both standing there unclothed and knowing each other fully. He an angel, I a human. Him like Rei, without a soul, me with a soul, but a withering and wilted one. Blackness was everywhere. I could see it. I could sense it, feel it, and I knew it. This was something I hadn't really understood yet. Something that never really made sense to me. This was my heart.
"In order to leave, you of course have to find yourself." Stated Kaworu.
"But I thought I did already. I left her. I thought I knew my heart."
"You thought you knew your heart, but did you really? What did you find of Misato?"
"I found her struggle. I found her attempt at trying to be a mother figure but not being able too."
"From that what did you find?"
"I already had a mother figure."
"Who?"
"Rei. My, mother. I then saw her, before she died, we—said goodbye. And as for my father, I somehow have a feeling that he realized what he has done."
The blackness began to fade away slightly, like settling smoke. I could see light make its way through slightly. I could see clearer than before.
"And what about myself?"
"You betrayed me. You stated you loved me and yet you lied to me. You made me kill you. How can someone love someone if they cause that same person to feel such pain?!"
"But I did love you. Although without a soul, I found myself infatuated by you. You, we, Angels, have always looked down upon you Lilim. But then I saw past your flesh and into your soul. I knew you were destined to be someone important. Hence why I have undoubtedly lead you…here. Hence why I made you destroy me."
"Someone important, that's funny."
"See? You have just doubted yourself. Therefore your heart is still not complete."
"I see. But I still don't know what to think of you."
"Then don't think of me. All or nothing. You obviously can't have all, so accept nothing. After all, suffering is desire…"
"I understand."
"Do you think you understand? Or do you know you understand."
"I know I understand."
The black clouds once again diffused and were eaten up by the light.
"Then you have one last thing to deal with…she is calling you Shinji…"
I heard her call and knew what I had to do.
"Will I ever see you again?"
"Yes, for I have a gift to give to you, something you have wanted for awhile now…"
"Then I will see you then…"
I ran off out of the spot light and past the black smoke into a hall of darkness. Still running I could see a point of light at the end. I reached for it with all my strength, with every last ounce of my energy. I could see the darkness behind me and the light in front. Images of her face flashing before me. I then heard her call from the distance.
"Wake up Shinji. You've been sleeping for some time now, a day or two even. I'm not sure what happened. You just sort of collapsed into my arms. Your eyes were shut and refused to open. I heard you scream out his name. Shinji…he is gone. Accept it. I'm all you have now. Help me Shinji…help me."
I heard her voice speak from somewhere beyond. Like a hand pulling me from black waters, I felt her glowing fingertips grasp onto my cold, cold, arms. I saw her face above the water in this fantasy. She was so beautiful. She was so perfect. Keep speaking Asuka! Let me hear your voice. Keep talking like you always do. I have nothing to say! I'll smile and you'll slap me. But I will laugh. You'll be right…and I…I will be wrong. I love you Asuka. Help me Asuka…Help me.
"Shinji. I—I could never be real in front of you. But now—now I can. Shinji, I only hurt you because I was afraid. I was afraid of emotions. It was all my fault Shinji. If only I held you, if only I let you cry. It's okay to cry…I understand that now. The less we speak…"
The less we love. The more we worry…
"The less we live." I uttered.
My eyes, swollen and such opened, like when I first arrived. Confused and lacking a sense of reality.
"Oh Shinji!" She sobbed.
"Asuka…" I muttered.
We then held each other for what felt like an eternity..
"I'm so sorry Shinji. I was…I was so annoying back then. I want to change. And in this place I think I can. With you, and only you, I think I can be real. With you, and only you, we can love each other, so that maybe…maybe we can love ourselves."
She then palmed my cheeks and pulled me in for a kiss. Her lips were soft and welcoming. I put my hand around her neck and lightly touched her hair using my other hand to hold hers. This was love, something I was all to unfamiliar with. It felt good. It felt new. This was what I needed! I needed love. And here it was in all of its glory. We then pulled away from each other. I looked into her eyes. They seemed different though…they seemed like Misato's…and…and Rei's. They were a faint grayish brown. Although it was indeed strange I simply just blocked it out and closed my eyes.
I then removed her bandages and slipped off her plug suit. My heart was racing. I had never been with anyone like this before. The experience was almost overwhelming but it felt surreal and absolutely pleasurable. As she removed herself from the suit I unzipped my trousers and carressed her shoulders up to her neck and then face. Now open to each other we began to finally know each other. I felt myself inside of her and I felt as if I was in Rei once more. I felt as if I was one with her. The feeling was strange and yet I felt life bursting throughout me touching every corner of my body. She screamed into the skies as our bodies were bursting with energy and then suddenly ecstasy consumed every single crevice of my being. This was love. And it felt so good. I began heaving profusely as I began to feel the lustful sensuality consume me. And then all of the sudden, another set of hands began to gratify me.
"Hello Shinji." Kaworu softly spoke.
"Huh—"
"Is this what you wanted?"
"Yes, oh sweet god yes this is what I want!"
As I, being on top of Asuka, still inside of her, was nearing the end of my endeavors, I felt his hands along my hips and I felt himself reach deep inside of me. His hands were soft and giving and they made there way to my front and began touching and caressing me. I then sighed with a pleasurable tone and looked behind me.
"Yes, Kaworu, yes."
"Shinji…Shinji?!" She exclaimed after she climaxed.
"Kaworu!"
"Who are you talking to?!"
***
The Perfect Drug – Nine Inch Nails
I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die
and I want you
you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart
my blood just wants to say hello to you
my fear is warm to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me
take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
***
I found myself standing in front of Kaworu, under some strange sort of spotlight. We were both standing there unclothed and knowing each other fully. He an angel, I a human. Him like Rei, without a soul, me with a soul, but a withering and wilted one. Blackness was everywhere. I could see it. I could sense it, feel it, and I knew it. This was something I hadn't really understood yet. Something that never really made sense to me. This was my heart.
"In order to leave, you of course have to find yourself." Stated Kaworu.
"But I thought I did already. I left her. I thought I knew my heart."
"You thought you knew your heart, but did you really? What did you find of Misato?"
"I found her struggle. I found her attempt at trying to be a mother figure but not being able too."
"From that what did you find?"
"I already had a mother figure."
"Who?"
"Rei. My, mother. I then saw her, before she died, we—said goodbye. And as for my father, I somehow have a feeling that he realized what he has done."
The blackness began to fade away slightly, like settling smoke. I could see light make its way through slightly. I could see clearer than before.
"And what about myself?"
"You betrayed me. You stated you loved me and yet you lied to me. You made me kill you. How can someone love someone if they cause that same person to feel such pain?!"
"But I did love you. Although without a soul, I found myself infatuated by you. You, we, Angels, have always looked down upon you Lilim. But then I saw past your flesh and into your soul. I knew you were destined to be someone important. Hence why I have undoubtedly lead you…here. Hence why I made you destroy me."
"Someone important, that's funny."
"See? You have just doubted yourself. Therefore your heart is still not complete."
"I see. But I still don't know what to think of you."
"Then don't think of me. All or nothing. You obviously can't have all, so accept nothing. After all, suffering is desire…"
"I understand."
"Do you think you understand? Or do you know you understand."
"I know I understand."
The black clouds once again diffused and were eaten up by the light.
"Then you have one last thing to deal with…she is calling you Shinji…"
I heard her call and knew what I had to do.
"Will I ever see you again?"
"Yes, for I have a gift to give to you, something you have wanted for awhile now…"
"Then I will see you then…"
I ran off out of the spot light and past the black smoke into a hall of darkness. Still running I could see a point of light at the end. I reached for it with all my strength, with every last ounce of my energy. I could see the darkness behind me and the light in front. Images of her face flashing before me. I then heard her call from the distance.
"Wake up Shinji. You've been sleeping for some time now, a day or two even. I'm not sure what happened. You just sort of collapsed into my arms. Your eyes were shut and refused to open. I heard you scream out his name. Shinji…he is gone. Accept it. I'm all you have now. Help me Shinji…help me."
I heard her voice speak from somewhere beyond. Like a hand pulling me from black waters, I felt her glowing fingertips grasp onto my cold, cold, arms. I saw her face above the water in this fantasy. She was so beautiful. She was so perfect. Keep speaking Asuka! Let me hear your voice. Keep talking like you always do. I have nothing to say! I'll smile and you'll slap me. But I will laugh. You'll be right…and I…I will be wrong. I love you Asuka. Help me Asuka…Help me.
"Shinji. I—I could never be real in front of you. But now—now I can. Shinji, I only hurt you because I was afraid. I was afraid of emotions. It was all my fault Shinji. If only I held you, if only I let you cry. It's okay to cry…I understand that now. The less we speak…"
The less we love. The more we worry…
"The less we live." I uttered.
My eyes, swollen and such opened, like when I first arrived. Confused and lacking a sense of reality.
"Oh Shinji!" She sobbed.
"Asuka…" I muttered.
We then held each other for what felt like an eternity..
"I'm so sorry Shinji. I was…I was so annoying back then. I want to change. And in this place I think I can. With you, and only you, I think I can be real. With you, and only you, we can love each other, so that maybe…maybe we can love ourselves."
She then palmed my cheeks and pulled me in for a kiss. Her lips were soft and welcoming. I put my hand around her neck and lightly touched her hair using my other hand to hold hers. This was love, something I was all to unfamiliar with. It felt good. It felt new. This was what I needed! I needed love. And here it was in all of its glory. We then pulled away from each other. I looked into her eyes. They seemed different though…they seemed like Misato's…and…and Rei's. They were a faint grayish brown. Although it was indeed strange I simply just blocked it out and closed my eyes.
I then removed her bandages and slipped off her plug suit. My heart was racing. I had never been with anyone like this before. The experience was almost overwhelming but it felt surreal and absolutely pleasurable. As she removed herself from the suit I unzipped my trousers and carressed her shoulders up to her neck and then face. Now open to each other we began to finally know each other. I felt myself inside of her and I felt as if I was in Rei once more. I felt as if I was one with her. The feeling was strange and yet I felt life bursting throughout me touching every corner of my body. She screamed into the skies as our bodies were bursting with energy and then suddenly ecstasy consumed every single crevice of my being. This was love. And it felt so good. I began heaving profusely as I began to feel the lustful sensuality consume me. And then all of the sudden, another set of hands began to gratify me.
"Hello Shinji." Kaworu softly spoke.
"Huh—"
"Is this what you wanted?"
"Yes, oh sweet god yes this is what I want!"
As I, being on top of Asuka, still inside of her, was nearing the end of my endeavors, I felt his hands along my hips and I felt himself reach deep inside of me. His hands were soft and giving and they made there way to my front and began touching and caressing me. I then sighed with a pleasurable tone and looked behind me.
"Yes, Kaworu, yes."
"Shinji…Shinji?!" She exclaimed after she climaxed.
"Kaworu!"
"Who are you talking to?!"
***
The Perfect Drug – Nine Inch Nails
I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die
and I want you
you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart
my blood just wants to say hello to you
my fear is warm to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me
take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
***