A Fabrication: The Walls of My Heart Undone
"What?"
I turned around to find that no one was there. And although the more we worry the less we live, this was something that appeared to be screwing with my head, so undoubtedly, worrying was inescapable.
I then turned back to see Asuka, dampened with a layer of sweat. She looked confused and almost vulnerable. I removed myself from her and drew myself backwards onto the ground, I too, heat ridden, was just as confused as she was.
"You…you called his name. You called his name!" She cried out.
"I-I'm sorry Asuka! Something strange is happening! My mind hasn't been right. After Third Impact nothing has been right!"
I hysterically burst into tears. It felt all too familiar to me. It was as if I wasn't in control of my own mind. It was as if this brave new world wasn't even real. It was as if…I was even perhaps…
* * *
Where did my happiness lie? I knew it was there, I just didn't know where to find it. Was my happiness with Asuka, or Kaworu? Or…neither.
It was the following day. Asuka and I didn't seem to communicate all that much. We had grown tired; sleepless, and ill, without nourishment. It was as if we would die yet again. I was out walking along the beach, away from Asuka, where I could be alone for awhile. The sun was shimmering as was the stars. They were both out at the same time of course, something I had still yet to adjust too. I looked down unto the thick sea of LCL. Crouching down I put my hand onto it, and swirled my finger around. It felt warm and gave me an eerie sensation on the tips of my fingers, it was as if millions of fish had been nudging into my hand. Looking around I saw various tree stumps sticking out of the ground. It looked as if a massive fire had gone through and all that was left was a bunch of splinters in the Earth's surface. The branches had been singed into unevenly placed twigs, putridly black and rather ashy looking. stood up shaking the blood off of my hand and taking a moment to examine. The ground had turned from gold and green to gray and white. The beach was almost a heavenly glowing white but soon once the beach began to change into normal patches of land all that remained were gray and black rocks, sitting on a ground of gravel and dirt. Walking up to one of these "trees", I found Misato's cross nailed firmly into the side of it. I caressed it with a gentle touch. Misato. I missed her antics. I missed her smile. And that kiss. It was, all too much for me to deal with at the time. It was my choice to be here. And I did it on my own. I made this world. This, brave new world, was all from my head. My reality was the result of my thoughts and actions.
Her final words now rang true more than ever. I now, although not soon enough, fully understood what she was saying about making the right choices, and independence.
But once again, something didn't seem right. How could Misato's necklace be nailed to a tree, if either me or Asuka didn't put it there. Rei surely couldn't have, and Kaworu was apparently in my head.
Suddenly, it all then began to come together. Asuka's strange bandages and the color of her eyes. Misato's cross. The disturbing images of Kaworu. It then struck me. It was justified. It made perfect sense.
I was still inside of Rei.
This was my fabricated reality, this was my fantasy, my substitute for reality. It all made sense. At last it all made sense. I never left Rei, because, I still didn't fully understand myself I still didn't find my happiness. Everything that appeared before me, were still issues that I had to deal with. I had to find the walls of my heart. So that once again, I could be pure.
Reality is what I make of it, so I wanted things to be the way they were, the way they should be. I will go back to the way it used to be. When I could actually fucking smile. I couldn't leave Rei, even if I tried, even if I did know the boundaries, the walls of my heart. I couldn't.
"Life…is what you make of it."
It was Rei, her gentle voice speaking into my ear.
"If that's true, I want it all back."
"What do you want back?"
"My life, and this time I want it the way it should be. I want to learn where my happiness lies, I want to know how I can separate the walls of my heart and become me again. And if I do, I want you to release me, and everyone else trapped in here. Evolution is to not be manufactured, man, is not to play the role of god, and this earth, is not to be scarred and burnt."
"If that is what you wish."
A bright light consumed me as I closed my eyes. A familiar fog came over me and then it came to my attention, whilst opening my eyes, that the new world was coming undone, being deleted from my mind and disappearing into the abyss of my subconscious.
"Shinji…"
I reached my hand out to the stars. I could feel it, I could see it, and it was just beyond my fingertips.
"Shinji."
I opened my eyes, and saw light pass before me.
"Shinji!"
Never say goodbye. It's just too sad...
"In harmony with cosmic sea, true love needs no company. It can cure the soul, it can make it whole, if dogs run free." - Bob Dylan, If Dogs Run Free
* * *
"What?"
I turned around to find that no one was there. And although the more we worry the less we live, this was something that appeared to be screwing with my head, so undoubtedly, worrying was inescapable.
I then turned back to see Asuka, dampened with a layer of sweat. She looked confused and almost vulnerable. I removed myself from her and drew myself backwards onto the ground, I too, heat ridden, was just as confused as she was.
"You…you called his name. You called his name!" She cried out.
"I-I'm sorry Asuka! Something strange is happening! My mind hasn't been right. After Third Impact nothing has been right!"
I hysterically burst into tears. It felt all too familiar to me. It was as if I wasn't in control of my own mind. It was as if this brave new world wasn't even real. It was as if…I was even perhaps…
* * *
Where did my happiness lie? I knew it was there, I just didn't know where to find it. Was my happiness with Asuka, or Kaworu? Or…neither.
It was the following day. Asuka and I didn't seem to communicate all that much. We had grown tired; sleepless, and ill, without nourishment. It was as if we would die yet again. I was out walking along the beach, away from Asuka, where I could be alone for awhile. The sun was shimmering as was the stars. They were both out at the same time of course, something I had still yet to adjust too. I looked down unto the thick sea of LCL. Crouching down I put my hand onto it, and swirled my finger around. It felt warm and gave me an eerie sensation on the tips of my fingers, it was as if millions of fish had been nudging into my hand. Looking around I saw various tree stumps sticking out of the ground. It looked as if a massive fire had gone through and all that was left was a bunch of splinters in the Earth's surface. The branches had been singed into unevenly placed twigs, putridly black and rather ashy looking. stood up shaking the blood off of my hand and taking a moment to examine. The ground had turned from gold and green to gray and white. The beach was almost a heavenly glowing white but soon once the beach began to change into normal patches of land all that remained were gray and black rocks, sitting on a ground of gravel and dirt. Walking up to one of these "trees", I found Misato's cross nailed firmly into the side of it. I caressed it with a gentle touch. Misato. I missed her antics. I missed her smile. And that kiss. It was, all too much for me to deal with at the time. It was my choice to be here. And I did it on my own. I made this world. This, brave new world, was all from my head. My reality was the result of my thoughts and actions.
Her final words now rang true more than ever. I now, although not soon enough, fully understood what she was saying about making the right choices, and independence.
But once again, something didn't seem right. How could Misato's necklace be nailed to a tree, if either me or Asuka didn't put it there. Rei surely couldn't have, and Kaworu was apparently in my head.
Suddenly, it all then began to come together. Asuka's strange bandages and the color of her eyes. Misato's cross. The disturbing images of Kaworu. It then struck me. It was justified. It made perfect sense.
I was still inside of Rei.
This was my fabricated reality, this was my fantasy, my substitute for reality. It all made sense. At last it all made sense. I never left Rei, because, I still didn't fully understand myself I still didn't find my happiness. Everything that appeared before me, were still issues that I had to deal with. I had to find the walls of my heart. So that once again, I could be pure.
Reality is what I make of it, so I wanted things to be the way they were, the way they should be. I will go back to the way it used to be. When I could actually fucking smile. I couldn't leave Rei, even if I tried, even if I did know the boundaries, the walls of my heart. I couldn't.
"Life…is what you make of it."
It was Rei, her gentle voice speaking into my ear.
"If that's true, I want it all back."
"What do you want back?"
"My life, and this time I want it the way it should be. I want to learn where my happiness lies, I want to know how I can separate the walls of my heart and become me again. And if I do, I want you to release me, and everyone else trapped in here. Evolution is to not be manufactured, man, is not to play the role of god, and this earth, is not to be scarred and burnt."
"If that is what you wish."
A bright light consumed me as I closed my eyes. A familiar fog came over me and then it came to my attention, whilst opening my eyes, that the new world was coming undone, being deleted from my mind and disappearing into the abyss of my subconscious.
"Shinji…"
I reached my hand out to the stars. I could feel it, I could see it, and it was just beyond my fingertips.
"Shinji."
I opened my eyes, and saw light pass before me.
"Shinji!"
Never say goodbye. It's just too sad...
"In harmony with cosmic sea, true love needs no company. It can cure the soul, it can make it whole, if dogs run free." - Bob Dylan, If Dogs Run Free
* * *