The OCs: Animal sidekicks!

It was all very poetic, had the snogging not been taking place inside a wardrobe. Had there been a sufficient light source, one could have gone off on an aesthetic tangent about how pretty they both looked, how much depth of colour there was in Gillette's wavy red hair, how Norrington's eyes shone. But there was no need to describe flushed faces and swollen lips. There was only the moment.

            "I love you," Norrington sighed blissfully, resting his head on his lievtenant's freckled shoulder. Gillette giggled.

            "Strange place to say it, sir. Mon dieu." As he leaned in for another kiss Norrington was stopped by a sharp flash of pain along his neck.

            "Really Alex, there's no need to be so rough."

            "Wasn't me, sir." The conversation abruptly ended with an eerie yet adorable mewing. Norrington stared down into the luminescent eyes of a kitten, perched upon Gillette's shoulder. The kitten hissed.

            "What in God's name is a kitten doing here?!" However as a second kitten had appeared on Gillette's head, the question was fast growing irrelevant.

            "They are terribly endearing, Robert. But I have no idea how the kittens got here." Norrington reached toward the original kitten, which lunged forward with its needle-sharp claws bared. The Commodore (who was quite flustered by this point) drew back quickly, but tripped over a third kitten on the floor of the wardrobe. He tumbled backwards into the light and landed with a muffled thud on an oriental rug. And then a pair of breeches came into view, and a frowning face looked down on him.

            "Norrington, what on earth are you doing in my schränk?" Bennett asked coldly. "Please remove yourself from my quarters immediately."

            "It's Gillette! He's—the kittens! The kittens!" Norrington was by this time quite hysterical, and hugging Bennett's knees. There was an awkward silence, during which Gillette stepped out of the wardrobe, his shirt all open; he was nearly covered with kittens, all in a lovely marmalade colour and glaring madly at Norrington. Said awkward silence might have gone on indefinitely had there not been a rap at the door. A maidservant entered, took one look at the scene, and stood dumb in shock. Norrington looked up at her from the floor, which caused the maid to blush furiously.

            "Sir…" she began in a halting voice, her bright eyes darting about the room.

            "Yes, what is it, Sally-Ann?" Bennett asked. His tone was weary and he looked overall quite put-upon to have his coworker attached to his legs.

            "Well sir, if you don't mind the intrusion…you see there's a lady, sir. She's in the parlour at the moment and she said she wanted to stalk-I mean talk with you, and with Commodore Norrington and his Lievtenant if they could be found and she won't stop shouting and she's dressed in the most anachronistic vestments I've ever seen, and she's a horrible Mary-Sue and I won't let her take you away from me! I won't stand for it, sir! I've worked and I've slaved through an angsty backstory being orphaned mysteriously and all and I've made it this far and really can you blame a girl for fancying men in uniform? Can you? CAN YOU?!?!" Sally-Ann stopped her tirade (most likely due to lack of breath at this point) and sat down abruptly on the divan and began sobbing hysterically.

            Bennett made a move to pat her shoulder reassuringly, but Norrington still being around his knees and shivering, he made little progress.

            "Look, Sally—for God's sake, girl show the lady in. And then go down to the kitchens and have yourself and apple. You'll feel much better." Sally-Ann looked up at him with stars in her eyes (literally), wiped her nose on her apron in a most unSuelike manner, and got up to show the mysterious lady of mystery in.

            She glided into the room, seemingly shrouded in a halo of mist. Then she rolled her eyes in disdain, and the mist vanished. She took one look at the three officers (and bevy of kittens) and burst out laughing.

            "I fail to see what's funny about this situation, madam." Commodore Bennett said stuffily. Or, moreso than usual.

            "Oh—heehee, this is too great! The kittens! This is just like that challenge! Sexy shirtless Gillette with a kitten!" And the laughter redoubled.

            "I—I'm sexy?" Gillette asked in disbelief. There were tears in his eyes. Norrington snapped out of his hysterics and abruptly glared at his lievtenant.

            "Well of course, you are, darling! For God's sake you have absolutely no self-esteem, man." He would have hugged Gillette then, but the kittens hissed as one and kept him away. And then a dark head of hair thrust itself through the window. Nevermind that the room was on the second floor.

            "I will not stand for this, amiga! I demand representation!" The mysterious lady shot a death-glare at the intruder.

            "For the absolute last time Calidori, I will NOT write you an angsty flashback scene in Morocco! I refuse to sink that low!"

            "We'll see about that." The female pirate spat, and vanished as quickly as she had appeared.

            "Stop nagging me!" the lady shouted through the window. "Go play with Sexy!Barbossa, why don't you?!" At the mention of this name Sally-Ann went quite pale and rushed out of the room. There was a pause.

            "Would you care to introduce yourself, madam?" Bennett asked. "And perhaps explain what you are doing at my party." The lady glared at him.

            "Honestly Commodore, you are absorbing the character of Norrington, and I will not stand for that." She turned to said other Commodore. "You're a canonical, man! Canonicals do not have fits of hysteria and fall down on the floor and weep!"

            "But the kittens!"

            "Yes yes, they're quite frightening. Gillette, please get rid of those things at once. Or at least put them in a basket." The lievtenant did so (with a conveniently located basket) and the lady tossed a ball of yarn conveniently produced from her olive green jacket to the kittens. The kittens settled down, and Norrington could once again embrace his lover adorably and all was well with the world and little rainbows sprouted up in the room and nightingales sang and Keats wrote really depressing poetry in the future and the sentence ran on and on and on like Atlanta.

            "Oh dear God, I've referenced DuBois! Nooooo!" the lady shrieked.

            "Actually it's Greek myth." Gillette pointed out. "And who are you, anyway?"

The lady smiled, although she really looked like a young woman about the age of Elizabeth Swann and not like a lady at all. She shrugged.

            "I suppose you lovely gentlemen may call me...in this plane of existence…hmm." she paused. "Lady Augusta Dashwood DuMonte. Yes, that's a nice proper name, right? Oh, but how rude of me. I've come to show you gentlemen something. I'm the author, you see." She smiled kindly.

            "Author? What author?" Norrington asked, incredibly confused. And also feeling quite abused.

            "You're not my author," said Bennett, peering perceptively at August.

            "Well of course not darling, I'm borrowing you."

            "Oh. Well. Carry on, then."

            "At any rate, my purpose here is to escort you fine gentlemen to a convention of sorts. Oh, and Lievtenant Moncrieff has already been sent there, so there's no need to worry about an undersupply of snarky French boys."

            "This is all terribly confusing," Gillette opined.

            "Thank you, Captain Obvious," Bennett muttered under his breath.

            "Oi! He's only made captain in my fic, dearie! Let's try and keep some semblance of sanity, here!" August was looking quite irate. "anyway. I realize this must be terribly confusing for you all, but really, I think you'll enjoy it. Plenty of friends there and all." And without further ado August snapped her fingers and the four of them vanished without a trace.

*******

Not five minutes later, Lievtenant John Wilkins and Captain William Boone were having a tryst in the stables. Unfortunately this was interrupted by Sally-Ann rushing in hysterical, and ranting about everyone being gone.

            "They've all vanished! The Commodores and their Snarky French Lievtenants! I can't find them anywhere! And Pet's in a right state, she is!" said fox/lady/ladytrappedinfoxdemonformduetoahorribleandasyetunexplainedcurse growled and twitched her tail in frustration. She missed her Norrington. She missed him bad. And also she could find to sign of Mr. Murtogg, and so she was completely out of her element. The kittens and their basket had also mysteriously appeared in the stables, and were looking mightily confused. A loud snort ended Sally-Ann's ranting. Darby and Achilles were glaring daggers at each other from across their stalls. Patroclus the Pony looked on in amusement.

            "In a clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade!" screeched Mr. Cotton's parrot from the rafters.

            "Good lord," said Captain Boone, highly amused. "We have ourselves a regular menagerie." Wilkins chuckled adorably.

            "But what am I to do? What will become of me?" Sally-Ann cried.

            "We could always have a luau," Wilkins suggested. And luau they did.

********

Elsewhere:

Everything was a glaring white for a moment. Then the light was gone, and Norrington could observe a large ballroom full of milling people. August's voice broke though the crowds.

            "Gentlemen, I would like to welcome you to the first annual Convention of Characters That Get Royally Shafted In Canon, Fanon, and Otherwise Snarky Characters Who are Really, Really Awesome, And Also The Honourable Ladies Of The NDL. And Commodore Bennett, it would behoove you to drop that façade at once. You are nothing more than an evil Fitzwilliam Darcy, and we all know it."

            "Oh fine," said Bennett/Darcy, shrugging.

            "Righto!" August continued. "Robert Fitzwilliam Norrington, Alexandre Gillette, Mr. Darcy, I'd like for you all to meet Bill the Pony, Blaise Zabini, Peter Smith-Kingsley, Mr. Palmer, Jean Prouvaire, Colonel Brandon, Lucian, Eric Satie, Audrey, Alec Trevelyan, Nuriko, Pete the Guy, Doyle, Colin Craven, William Wordsworth, Richard Sharpe, Terry Benedict, Spence, Thief Boy and Green Girl, Frick, Father Brian Finn, Dorian Gray, And Boromir son of Denethor. You already know Jean-Jacques Moncrieff, and I'm out of breath. Have some punch and say your hellos, boys."

And with that, August slumped off to eat some cookies and perhaps get some sleep.

End! Of the Chapter!

********

Author's Note: well kids, I wasn't going to publish this here, but certain circumstances beyond my control make my actions quite necessary. If I left out anyone's OCs I am deeply sorry, and if comments are left in review form I shall endeavour to do all in my power to rectify the error. I realize that by the end this chapter makes no sense whatsoever. It is a parody of sorts after all, and what good parody would be complete without gratuitous crossovers? Hehe. Points to anyone who can name where everyone comes from. No, more than mere points: my undying awe and respect, and also cookies. Yes, cookies.