The OCS: chapter Three

Explanations, bad songs, and Vulgar Lady Pirates.

Disclaimer: I only own myself and Calidori. That's all. Please do not sue me.

This chapter is dedicated to Musey, who gives conctructive criticism, and to Corey Feldman Draco!Boy, who got me thinking about the illustrious Pistols again. ^_^.

The scene is dark. Enter August, who is spotlighted and carrying a microphone.

August: okay kids, I guess this is the obligatory script-style chapter, so let's just bear with it any maybe we'll all get home in one piece, okay? Okay.

Musey: *pops in* see, I told you you needed an explanation.

August: fiiine. I guess there were just too many inside jokes. Poor Pete the guy! *sniffs*

Satchmo: There's a Body in the Road, Milacy! It's a young Man! *disappears*

Musey: Actually, I was more thinking of the OCs and the NDL jokes, but okay…*pops out*

August: Righto! As per request, I shall commence explaining all the wackiness of the OCs. Yeah. Firstly, Calidori. She's my char, from "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Bermuda" which is a rockin fic and you should all read it and become my mind-slaves. Seriously, folks. ^_^. Secondly…hrm, lemme see who else I wrote into this shindig. Oh yeah! Bennett and Moncrieff, while created by Musey, are really the property of the Norrington Defense League, and they were thought up as an alternative to people bastardizing Norrie and Gillette into two-dimensional villains. SEMPOTO Norrington is the term for such a bastardized Norrington depiction, and the acronym stands for Stereotypical Evil Madman Phantom of the Opera. He likes raping people and kicking puppies.

Everyone Else (in Order of Appearance):

Katherine Norrington: the esteemed Commodore's surprisingly un-Mary-Sue sister. She's featured in Broadsides, by the esteemed CommodoresLady. You must read it, now. It is epic and wonderful, and a great example of Gillette Het, as we call it. ^_^.

Hope Schuyler: featured in "The Pirate's Return" by Hermione-Malfoy. Hope is really angsty, but she does mean well.

Lieutenant Pearce: He's not an OC at all, but that 'best pirate I've ever seen' guy. His official unofficial character name is Groves, and some people call him Jonathan Ashley Bush, but I refer to him as Pearce because he looks like the poor man's Guy Pearce. seriously.

Kitty Boone, nee Franklin: technically this character is ganked straight from The Jungle Book (the really bad live-action version with John Cleese), but Kitty got a slight name change and ended up in Endril McMerlyn's Christmas Challenge fic, entitled Deck the Halls. Kitty is one of those flighty society ladies. Yeah.

Sally-Ann Turner-Barbossa: ..I think that's her full name. I think. Created by Elske to be the epitome of the Norringtonverse Mary-Sue, the girl just tries too hard. It's amusing. Sally-Ann works as a maid in the Governor's household, as a replacement for Estrella.

Sexy!Barbossa: not so much an OC as an alternate characterization, he's also owned by Elske and that's all I'm going to say on the subject.

Lieutenant John Wilkins: This name seems to pop up a lot in the Norrington fandom. I have no idea why, but to my knowledge I was the first to use him in "Funny Thing". Wilkins is also technically an OC, since he's from Jungle Book as well. He is, by the way, played by Jason Flemyng. Wilkins rocks.

Captain William Boone: Also from Jungle Book. (see where I steal characters from?) he's played by Cary Elwes and isn't really evil. Honest.

Pet: also known as Hito Shinarashi, she belongs to DragonLady and is the main char of "Fox Commodore". Pet rocks hardcore. Seriously.

Darby: the feisty gray gelding from "Broadsides". Darby also rocks hardcore, but is not terribly angsty like Pet. Because Darby's just a cool horse who likes to wear tricorne hats.

Achilles: Norrington's (currently stolen) bay cob from "Funny Thing". Achilles does not really rock hardcore, but is a sweetie of a horsie. Yeah.

Patroclus the Pony: because I refuse to let up on the homoerotic literature jokes, Patroclus is Gillette's pony in my crazy mind-world. Yeah.

The Basket of Kittens: used throughout much of the fics written by NDL members, the kittens are one of our huge inside jokes. At one point, someone on the yahoogroup talked about some sort of fantasy about a shirtless Gillette and a kitten. A cute little marmalade kitten to match Damian O'Hare's hair. And thus a challenge was set forth, and many fics were written. Nowadays the Marmalade Kitten has become a metaphor for Gillette, and is a symbol of Gillette-fandom. We give newbies their own kitten. ^_^.

Elske: August, you forgot the mangoes! *smacks August with a can of mango juice*

August: ACK! Damn. Okay, the thing about the mangoes comes from the twisted minds of Musey and Elske. There was one night on the NDL yahoogroup that has subsequently been dubbed Fruit Night, in which many ficlets were posted, all but one (mine) being centered around mangoes and how tasty and erotic they are. I did not get the Fruit Night memo. Mangoes are a symbol of Norrington/Gillette shipping. And on that note, I will stop this crazed runaway author's note, and perhaps introduce some real plot. Heh.

ENTER THE PLOT! *cue kung-fu music*

At the crazed convention in Crossover-verse, a huge pretty mango-tastic orgy was taking place. The floor was, by this point, quite sticky. Because you know what? Orgies are funny. And, when mangoes are involved, quite tasty. Not that the mangoes were actually involved, involved. Ew. Okay, changing topics!

*******

Back at Commodore Bennett's estate, a big giant party was taking place. It had not yet progressed to an orgy. Katherine and Hope were looking appropriately scandalized at the goings on. Pearce was doubled over with laughter, and Boone and Wilkins were rather shocked, and wondering whether someone should fetch some irons, because really this was all getting quite out of hand. The reason for the alarm was the appearance of a second lady pirate who insisted she was a privateer. Sally-Ann had thrown a screaming fit and was currently sipping mango juice on a couch and glaring at the two pirates. The pair had become friends remarkably quickly; this event (despite their contrasting alliances) was thanks to Bennett's ready supply of fine brandy.

August the Author was standing at the edge of the room and snickering. She briefly considered popping back out to watch the orgy, but decided against it. Too many limbs. But to return to the point, Calidori had made a new friend. And in the grand tradition of friend-making among lady pirates, they had already aired their grievances about the Royal Navy, discussed the finer points of their ships and crew, told battle stories, shared tips on standard design and ship naming, had progressed beyond the point of comparing battle scars and broken/missing limbs, and were now at the point of standing on a table and singing bawdy songs really, really loudly. The situation being what is was, the songs were extremely anachronistic. Not like anyone cared.

"She aint no human being…" Calidori slurred. "There's not future in England's dreeeeeaming…….Andy! Oi, Muchacha! Let's give the English Naval Bastards a good show, eh?"

Andraste Morgan Rose, normally quite reserved and proper and serious, nodded in agreement and smiled at the crowd.

"It was on the good ship Venus, by Christ you shoulda seen us…"

"Oh dear god, not this." Muttered Boone. Wilkins had gone pale and the ladies present were looking on in confusion. Because they didn't know such vulgar nautical songs. Pearce was now having a giggle fit. August was grinning like mad.

"The Captain's name was Morgan, heehee!" Calidori said, staggering a bit and waving a bottle in her hand. She was gesturing with her stump. Gesturing very lewdly. Andraste glared at her briefly. "By Christ, he was a gorgan! Ten times a day he'd stop and play with his fuckin' organ!"

Katherine proceeded to faint. She was revived by Quinlan the surgeon just in time for the final chorus, in which Pearce had jumped onto the table, squinted his eyes and scrunched up his nose, and proceeded to spit blood at the audience. The fine china in the cupboards shook with the volume of the singing. Or yelling, more accurately.

"Friggin' in the riggin', friggin' in the riggin', friggin' in the riggin', there was FUCK ALL ELSE TO DO!!" and then the tow lady pirates kicked Pearce off their impromptu stage and fell down in a heap.

***********

Meanwhile, all of the non-POTC related crossover characters had conveniently disappeared, and the four officers were enjoying a post-coital cigarette.

"I sense a disturbance in the fandom." Bennett said abruptly. Moncrieff giggled. "No, I'm serious! Someone's trashing MY HOUSE!" he got up in rage and got dressed. His Lieutenant pouted.

"Well, I suppose we should get back, if the situation is that serious," Norrington sighed.

"Seems very serious, sir." Said Gillette, who didn't look serious at all. In fact, he was attempting not to laugh. "Sounds like the occasion needs planning. A plan-heehee! –a plan of action." Norrington grinned wickedly at Gillette, and Moncrieff rolled his eyes.

"Anyone given any thought to how we're supposed to get back home?" he asked, impatient.

Indeed, no means of escape could be found, and without the Author there the four men were at a loss as to how they were ever supposed to return to their own world. A note suddenly popped into the space, reading as follows:

Hello boys, sorry about the delay. It seems you'll be stuck there for a while. Really, it's only a precaution. Can't have the pretty officers stepping on broken glass or anything. Oh, and Bennett? Your liquor cabinet has been raided. That's not a euphemism, either. Sally-Ann's trying to take care of it, but the poor thing seems like she'll have a nervous breakdown at any moment. So just sit tight until I can get back to ya. It might be a while. Also: Jack Sparrow sends his love.

~August~

"I really hate her," Bennett opined. A miniature Micro-fridge full of mango juice and a case of cup ramen popped out of nowhere.

"Anyone else getting bloody sick of all these mangoes?" Norrington asked, sighing.