Chapter 3: 'Pretty Fly for a White Guy'
The woods on the outskirts of Sunnydale were unnaturally still. Not a bird sang, not a leaf bristled in the warm summer wind, no animals scurried about in the undergrowth. It was as idyllic and as still as a picture. A typical Californian wood, complete with trees and green stuff. And the large helicopter parked in a clearing.
Lieutenant Steve Kash sat in the cockpit, dressed in his all-black uniform. Over the top was a bullet (and demon) proof vest, a gun holster round his waist, holding two state of the art pistols (squeeze the trigger and a bullet comes out the other end, it was that advanced) and big heavy boots on his feet. He also had his Homer Simpson knee socks, but they weren't regiment and he was afraid that if he thought about them too much, his boss would find out.
His boss had a habit of being telepathic.
"Lieutenant!"
That was him
"Sir?" Kash sat up straighter and smoothed out his shirt before he realized the voice was speaking over the intercom within his helmet. "Er, yes Sir?" He kafuffled.
"Lieutenant, we've identified two unidentified anonymous temporarily named demon creatures of ambiguous nature, numbered One and Two. They're crossing the field to your left, can you see them?" His boss didn't wait for an affirmative. "I want you and your team…"
Team? Kash thought. Oh, he meant Solider Tomlinson, the sleeping guy in the back.
"…to do some reconnaissance, covert. Scout around, take notes, but in no circumstances approach them, understand?"
"Yes Boss. Right Boss"
"Oh, and Lieutenant?"
"Sir?" He knew was what coming.
"Try to keep the novelty socks at home next time?"
"Yes Sir" Kash said, as he heard the click in his ear which meant his boss had disconnected. His boss was freaky – he just knew stuff.
But now, it was time to do some actual work for a change.
"Tomlinson!!" He called out.
"Huh?" Came the muffled reply from the interior of the Chinook.
"We're going to do some business"
The young, attractive and half-asleep officer stuck his head through into the cockpit.
"Business?"
Kash nodded smartly.
"Right, kay" Tomlinson yawned. "I'll just go put my hat on" He rubbed at his eyes. "Where are we?"
Tomlinson, born and bred in Minnesota, had slept throughout the 3 hour flight, dreaming of sheep, large candy bars and a scantily clad lady named Dominique. He had no idea of his mission, his intent, nor who the guy sat in the cockpit was, except that he was more important than himself and fractionally taller.
"Sunnydale, California"
"Oh" Tomlinson frowned an attractive frown on his attractive face as he tried vainly to remember his training. "That's the one with the hellmouth, right?"
"Got it in one"
"ah" Tomlinson, first name long forgotten, ran some fingers through his short dark hair. "Re-con?"
"Yup" Kash stood, fastening his chin strap on his helmet and patting his gun holster to check his highly-advanced-technology pistols were still there. They were.
"Now let's go solider!!"
They went.
The field was large, green and slightly muddy, and Lieutenant Kash clobbered his way through, head down, moving through the long grasses like a black, two legged snake, or so was his intention. He'd been in this job for three years, working for a small branch of the Government, but this was his first mission as head of the team. He was determined, not to fail, but to succeed. He glanced down at his wrist, where his watch shaped radar, locator and demon spotted beeped away (it also had time functionality).
"Over here" He said in a mock whisper, pointing dramatically to his left. Behind him, Tomlinson raised his eyebrows, but followed in his leader's footsteps. The two ploughed their way through the chest-height collection of summer grasses. In the centre of this massive field stood a gigantic tree, old and crooked and hanging down thick green leaves that swept over everything. Kash wasn't leading them towards the tree though, and instead took them to the perimeter. Then, suddenly, he dropped to his knees, pulling his pocket sized binoculars to his eyes.
"What is it?" Asked Tomlinson.
"One and Two"
"The beginning of an Offspring song?"
"The demon suspects"
"Ah" Tomlinson rose to he could peer over the tops of the grass. He couldn't see much except for a couple of pigeons, a rabbit and two large hairy looking gorilla things with horns. Oh, Tomlinson thought, they would be the demons.
Kash gazed through the binoculars with bated breath. Never had he been so close to demons, in the real world. These two grotesque creatures were apparently talking, one had his arm over the other's shoulder in a confidential manner. It was also wearing what had once been a suit and had a briefcase under it's arm. The other, un-clothed demon (thank god it was hairy) was gesturing angrily to something the Lieutenant couldn't see. The suited demon then hastily scribbled some notes down on a pad of paper.
My god…was this a Lawyer-demon?!
Kash swallowed. He had heard of these creatures, sly and selfish, lying blatantly to help their clients, they'd stop at nothing to get what they wanted. They had to be stopped before they created havoc across the world!
Slowly, carefully, Kash turned the binoculars over, sliding a panel across so the instrument now became a digital camera. With trembling hands he compressed the button, getting the two beings within the focus, careful not to chop their heads out the image, drew a sharp breath and 'click'. The camera/binocular whirred as the image was stored.
Kash smiled grimly, and then that pleasure turned to horror as the demons turned and looked straight at him. The suited one gestured fiercely, pointing directly through the grasses and the non-clothed demon roared a deep throated sound of rage.
"Oh boy" Kash muttered and felt a rivulet of sweat trickle down his brow. "Oh boy oh boy".
"Sir?" Tomlinson asked, alarmed, as he saw the large hairy demon things started to trample their way towards them.
"Here, take the camera!" Kash tossed the instrument. "And run!!"
The Lieutenant sprang up, pushing his way past the younger (and fractionally shorter) officer, screaming like a baby. All he could think about was getting to the Chinook, whirling those blades and getting the hell out, before he got eaten alive, not knowing what he'd done to deserve this. Tomlinson would just have to keep up, his boss would just have to be satisfied with the one picture they'd got – Kash wasn't putting his life on the…
THUD! Kash tripped up over his own bootlace and crashed heavily onto the ground. He lay there winded as Tomlinson ran past, but Kash didn't have the breath to speak. He must be hidden and submersed by the long thick grass. Clutching his stomach, he rolled over, in a panic, about to get up, when something grabbed hold of his foot.
"Aaarrghh!" Screamed Kash as the suited Lawyer-demon smiled down at his through long, saliva dripping fangs.
"Glarf gallugg, ga muc muc" It gabbled.
"Aaarrghh!" Kash screamed again, as the thing tugged at his boot curiously. It's mouth was huge, Kash realized, the lips partially immersed in the great shaggy head, two beady black eyes peering out like a rabid English sheepdog.
"Glarrgg?"
Was that a question?, Kash wondered.
Chomp – the beast bit off the end of Kash's foot.
Kash didn't care.
And then the demon ate him all up. Wasn't that nice? Well, it was, for the demon.