She holds her breath going under water, closing her eyes while enjoying the warm liquid now wetting her hair and face.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five seconds.
Relaxed, she can almost hear the noise, the crowd from last night screaming her name and at the lyrics of her song. Or Luke's song.
She wrote it, but he inspired it. So it was, at least, fifty percent his. Luke. Being in the tub without him now seemed wrong. Like something was missing.
Squeezing her hands under the water, she misses the way his hair felt soft under her hands. How smooth his skin was, how warm his body felt, leaning against her chest while she was trying to help him relax in the bath tub.
They lived together for a few months, but he had infiltrated himself in every aspect of her life. In her house, her mind, her songs. Everything had his fingerprints on it. And now he was gone.
It has been a month since she saw his face. His serious and brooding face.
She tried to focus on other things, after all, she had a life before him, and six months would go by so fast they would barely notice, right?
So she tried to compose another song but found she could only stare at a blank page for so long without losing her shit.
Without being able to relay on her art, she focused on other things.
Like taking Peaches for long walks at the beach. On rehearsals with The Loyal. On visiting her mom more regularly. She even tried running, but didn't find it as appealing as Luke did.
She tried to move on with her life, but found it more nerve-wracking than sitting at her couch, waiting all day for some news about him.
Cassie was not that kind of girl. She didn't sit and wait around for anyone. She never cried or had patience to deal with men.
She liked them well enough, having her use of them when needed, but she never thought she would feel something about them more than friendship, desire...
Love.
Love sucks, at her opinion.
Loving Luke Morrow sucks even more.
But she does.
Cassie loves her commando.
And she misses him. A lot. Like missing a part of her she didn't even knew it existed.
And she hates it.
But she doesn't fight it anymore. She embraces it. Her need to see him again, to have him again in her arms is what makes her want to go forward.
She hears Peaches barking at the background, so she goes back to surface, letting the dog see her face.
"Hey girl, I'm right here" she sings a little out of breath. Maybe she had gone too long under water, enough to scare her dear companion. She pats Peaches's head affectionately. "I'm sorry, it was probably scary to not see my face, right? But I'm right here"
Peaches enjoys the attention, settling her golden flurry head on the tub, next to Cassie's shoulders.
Peaches had suffered the blow too. Sometimes, Cassie would wake up in the middle of the night to her crying, or sitting next to the door, waiting for her owner to come back. It broke her heart, and Cassie could relate.
Some days it was just easier to sit on her bed, replaying the last time she saw him on her place. His desperate expression while she was kicking him out, demanding a divorce she now doesn't want it.
When Cassie's hand dropped from her head, Peaches cried again, demanding attention.
"I know, I know, I'm a bad person, Peaches" Cassie apologizes, kissing her snout. "And I know you miss him too. And it will be a while before you see Luke again, but guess what? I'm meeting him today, Peach. I'll be sure to tell him you can't wait to see him"
That's why Cassie couldn't sleep last night. After a whole month, his lawyer called her to warn that Luke could finally get visitors. And his family happily agreed to let her visit him first.
That was two days ago, and while Cassie felt tired, sleep wouldn't just come to her. She was finally seeing him again.
Getting out of the tub, she dries herself and picks an outfit, ditching her usual shorts to jeans, not sure if the militaries would barrel her from seeing her husband because of her clothes.
She goes to her Subaru, driving as fast as she can, not caring if she would get a ticket out of this, or to turn on the radio in order to distract her from her own heartbeat.
She gets on Pendleton right on time, and does everything right, passing her ID and going through inspection.
They direct her to a room that looks exactly like in the movies, with a glass wall dividing the room, and she seats on the chair, her legs shaking with the nerves.
She doesn't have to wait too long.
Her commando appears right after, in orange clothes and barely limping. She hates herself for missing his accomplishments. She hates everything right now.
Expect Luke.
Maybe she does hates him a little bit.
He looks pale but cracks a smile when he sees her on the other side of the glass.
He also looks healthy, she decides. A little thinner than the last time she saw him, but healthy.
He sits in front of her, reaching for the phone and she mimics him.
First, they stay quiet, but she can feel her chest warm, happy to just hear him breathing next to her.
"Hey, Cass" he greets in a hoarse voice.
She tears up a little. "Hi, there" she greets back with a smile. "It's been so long... it feels like I haven't seen you in a year"
Luke shakes his head. "I get the feeling, but it was protocol. But I haven't stopped thinking about you. Every day, Cassie"
"Me too" she pouts a little, drawing her hand closer to the glass, itching to touch his sad face. "It feels like we've been kept apart for most of our marriage, husband" she jokes.
It cuts the tension like she planned to and he chuckles. "Most wives would love that"
Cassie shakes her head. "Not me. At least, not anymore" he nods and squeezes the telephone tighter. She wonders if he feels the same need to touch her as she feels.
"So" he starts "I thought I would see my brother today. Or my dad. I was kind of expecting to hear a lecture from him now that he had the time to think about what I did"
"Oh yeah, they wanted to come but I wanted you for myself, so I had to make some threats to be here today"
"Really? Did you put a gun on his head?" he mocks arching an eyebrow at her.
Cassie scoffs, enjoying their banter. "You know I'm opposed to guns but for you I can make a sacrifice"
Luke chuckles and she goes along. Damn, she missed his smile. "So, how is everything?" she asks.
Luke sighs, looking down. "I'm not really sure what I should say to you"
"Anything? I just want to know about you, Luke. It's been awhile" she pleads, just needing to hear his voice, and he gives in.
"It's not like I'm on vacation, you know? But it's not exactly bad in here, I actually expected worse" he shrugs "I sleep, eat, do some exercises to help with my leg and I'm reading the book you sent it to me. Thanks, by the way. I didn't get the chance to properly thank you for that"
"No problem. I know we never talked about books but I figured George Orwell was nice choice. And have you made any friends?"
Luke scoffs. "It's not high school, Cass" he mocks and she rolls her eyes at him. "I kind of did, I don't know. Some guys respect me because of my injury and my Purple Heart. Don't know how people got word of it, but they did, and it's easy around here because of it"
"My hero" she sings and he rolls his eyes this time. "What about your leg? You're barely limping anymore"
"It's better" he looks down at the said leg "It still looks ugly and the pain is still there but it's manageable"
"That's great. So this means you will able to run again in no time" Cassie replies excitedly. "I'm so happy for you, Luke. I knew you could do it"
Luke tilts his head, scratching the back of his neck. "Actually..."
"What?" She frowns.
"I can run now. Not like before but it's a start"
Her eyes widens. "Since when?"
"I tried the first time when you told me to move out of your place"
"Luke..." she sighs, clearly upset, remembering that morning.
"I have to confess, I didn't pack my things and called my dad because I thought I could stay and maybe we could talk and work things out. I wanted to give us a try and I knew if I did what you asked, I would lose my chance, so I stayed. And I was anxious and decided to give running a try again. And I did. And it was painful but I did it. And a officer showed up right after that"
"Luke, why I'm only hearing about this now?" She asks annoyed.
"We didn't talk much since that morning, I guess"
Cassie swallows down, recalling all the yelling she did that day. "Listen, I've been meaning to tell you this... I'm sorry about that day. It wasn't your fault and I took it out on you"
"Except it was my fault. Johnno broke in to your mother's house because of me"
"Yes, the guy was an ass but still, you were not at fault. And I was scared, thinking about what could've have happened to my mom, I barely listened to you or the things you've been through"
"Cass –"
"I've been thinking, about your addiction, and I realized how hard it must have been for you, with your medications. And you didn't give in, at any time. Even on your worst days. And I was so hard at you"
"As you should, Cassie" he urges "This is why I didn't tell you about my addiction before, I didn't want you treating me differently"
"Luke –"
"Don't go soft on me now, Salazar" he provokes. This breaks the tension and she smiles.
"Never" she promises.
"Good" he says satisfied "So tell me about you. You look tired, is everything okay?"
"I had a show last night, couldn't get much sleep" she dismisses, not mentioning her struggles to sleep at night.
"That's good. It means things with the band are going great. Any new songs?"
Cassie bites her lips, not really wanting to talk about it. "Unfortunately no"
"Really? I mean, you were writing like crazy when we were living together"
"Yeah, I guess I've been just too busy to focus on my music. Or I'm just out of new songs now" she doesn't want to mention she was also missing her muse.
He scoffs. "Doubt it. So what have you been focusing? Come on, Cass, distract me. You have no idea how bored I am"
"We can talk about the weather" she offers.
"So you drove up here to talk about the weather?"
"I drove here to see you" she states.
"And I'm thankful for that. But while I love watching your beautiful face, I love hearing your voice too, so bear with me, please" he pleads. "So, what have you been up to?" he tries again.
She shifts on her chair, recalling her last month. "I don't know, rehearsals, trying to spend some time with my mom. I tried to cook a healthy meal two weeks ago and almost set my place on fire. I got bored after and I tried running like you"
"Oh man, what I would give to see you try that. Did you record it?" he muses and she shows him her middle finger. "How that went?"
"Bad. I can still feel my lungs burning and my legs still ache. I will never try that again. Ever. Don't know what you see in it"
"I've told you, it's my therapy. When I run, it's like the whole world goes on mute. Just like music does it for you" he contemplates. "It was a nice way to escape my reality without going back to Johnno"
She hums. "Still, I'm not doing it again. Not even for you"
He laughs heartily. "I bet not. What else?"
"I've been taking Peaches for walks at the beach. She misses you"
"I miss her. Is she the only one?" he questions watching her from under his eyelashes, and she gets what he's hitting on.
"I miss you too" she admits, her eyes watering again. "More than I thought I would, to be honest. I'm not proud of that"
"Thanks" he chuckles "I miss you too, Cass. But it's not for too long now"
"Five months" she mentions.
"It will go by fast"
"Or not" she clears her throat, blinking fast.
"Ever the pessimist"
"I'm a realistic person, Luke" she sighs, closing her eyes "Sorry, I don't want to complain. I'm free to go everywhere and you're stuck here so I shouldn't be whining about it, but I guess I never thought it would be this hard, you know? No one gave me a manual about what to do when the guy you love gets incarcerated after taking the blame for something you did, which reminds me we should talk about that too" she rumbles.
"The guy you love, huh?" he teases trying to bring her focus elsewhere. She lifts her finger.
"Stop it, I know what you're trying to do"
"What?"
"Stop trying to distract me. Besides, I already told you the L word"
"I like hearing it" he shrugs "It certainly won't hurt you if you it say that again"
She narrows her eyes at him, curling her lips before giving in. "I love you, Luke"
"Thank you. And I love you too, Cassie Salazar" he replies staring at her brown eyes "Will you still wait for me?"
"You bet it, commando"
"Good" he glances to his left side. She follows his eyes, watching the guard signaling for him to end her visit.
"Already? It feels like you just got here" she whines, gripping tighter her phone.
"I know, but now that I can get visitors we can talk all the time"
She closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. Then, she stares at his face, trying to memorize every detail of his hopeful expression. "Only you to make me see the bright side of this"
"I'm just being realistic" he says, repeating her words from earlier. "Take care of yourself, Cass. And Peaches too"
"I will. And you too. Be careful, okay? Like you said, this is not vacation. This place is not filled with guys who married for extra money or health insurance. There are actual criminals here"
"I know how prisons work, don't worry about me" He eyes the guard coming closer now and she knows their time is over "I love you, wife"
That brings a smile to her face. "Love you too, husband"
He waves his hand quickly, standing up, and giving her one last look before following the guard down the hall and she watches his back, her heart growing smaller in her chest.
She rises too, when she looses her sight of him. She goes back to her old car, hoping to feel better than she did while entering Pendleton. And sighs frustrated when she realizes she doesn't.
She glances at those big buildings, wondering which one Luke is now.
"Get it together, Cassie" she mumbles to herself, starting the car.
On the way home, she stops at her favorite place to get her some tacos, enough for her and Peaches.
When she opens her front door, Peaches goes straight to her, sniffing her paper bag filled with food.
"Easy, girl" she calms her down by patting her head. Cassie props down at the couch, and the golden retriever lays her head on her knees.
"You're never going to believe who I saw today, Peach" she says rubbing the furry head. "Luke. Do you remember Luke?" the dog whines and she pouts. "I know you do, and he misses you too. And he looks good, I guess"
She leans against the cushions, staring at her ceiling. "He's going to be here in five months. And he says it will go by fast but I doubt it. But don't listen to me, Peaches, I'm a bad influence. Or he is the bad influence on me. I still don't know"
Peaches leaves her for the paper bag she left on the coffee table and Cassie brings her knees to her chest.
Outside her apartment, she hears a car honking somewhere. But inside, she starts humming to beat she had never heard before.
Without thinking twice, she runs to her bedroom, searching for her little notebook, the one she always goes to when trying to compose something.
When she finds her pencil, she lays down on her bed, writing the words that were inside of her head.
"Stay away from my tacos, Peaches. I'm going to need them after I'm done here" she warns the dog, that doesn't listen to her and continues to sniff inside the bag.
But Cassie doesn't mind that right now.
Because, at that moment, she's just happy she's back to writing songs again.