She tried not to crowd him. Did her best to stand back, give him space, but be there all the same. Remembered how she felt when questions were fired and contact forced upon her in the early days of her return. But it was hard.
He walked with her as she led him to her hotel room, didn't resist. Just stared straight ahead and put one foot in front of the other. Didn't say a word.
"We're here." Tries to make her voice sound cheerful, but doesn't quite manage. She had expected him to be…something. Happy to see her, angry, upset, anything. She hadn't expected this blank stare.
The door wasn't locked and swung open easily when she pushed. Xander was still lying on his bunk, but several bottles of some type of liquor littered the floor around him. She quickly crossed the room when he didn't move at her call, sighing in relief when his pulse beat heavily at her fingers. Buffy left him to sleep.
She stretched Spike out on the small sofa and put a pillow under his head. Covered him up in a ratty blanket and took of his boots, placing them off to the side. On a whim, she took her shoes off too, put them next to his. It looked right somehow.
"Spike," she whispered, then checked his face for response. Found none. Stroked his soft hair and ran her fingers down his sharp cheekbone. He felt like Spike, looked like Spike. Had the distinctive smell of Spike. But the core, his being, was missing. She had to make it come back.
"I do love you," she told him. "After all the fighting, all the games, I finally figured out that I love you. And you, you idiot, you didn't believe me!"
She could feel herself getting mad and stopped. Decided to try a different track.
"A few days after the battle, me and Xander left. I just couldn't stay there, you know? They were all so happy and cheerful, and I felt so apart, so we left. It was supposed to be the beginning of a new life, no more slayer. You probably would have hated that, always told me I couldn't escape what I was. But I tried, and I tried to find myself." She sniffed, and felt her eyes get wet. "And I did. You know what was silly? I took this dandelion with me. I dunno why, just figured that if I was going to have a life in the sun, m-maybe I could bring it along. How pathetic, right? Stupid flower's wilting."
And it was. She stood and brought it over, held the cheap cup filled with dirty water. Fingered the drying petals.
"Why wont it stay alive? Why wont you be alive?" There was snot pouring out of her nose and she whipped at it impatiently. "I mean, you're back. I don't know why, or how, but you're back. And I found you. I went to your house, read your diary. And Spike, it was like I understood everything, finally, what you'd been trying to tell me. And I can be whole, a big cookie, I can, just wake up, please, please…"
She was soaking him with her own tears but didn't care, nothing mattered unless the stupid idiot of a vampire woke up and lived with her. Which he didn't seem to want to do.
"This was not the deal!" She screamed. "You weren't supposed to bring him back half alive and miserable! You selfish bastards up there, couldn't you just let us have this? Is it so hard, just to let us be happy for once? Everyone gets to be happy! And you stupid, selfish, morons…" And then she couldn't talk anymore and buried her head in his chest, the hand with the dandelion going around him as she hugged him tight.
"Just come back, please Spike, just fight whatever's holding you back and be with me."