Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh.

The pairings introduced right now:
Anzu/Yami no Yuugi
Jounouchi/Mai

The crushes introduced right now:
Ryou/Seto
Ryou/Lobster

Thank you, MarmaladeGirl as usual for beta reading. Thanks to her too, I changed this chapter again because I readjusted the plot. Thanks as well to R. Amythest for beta reading my adjusted version. I've confused so many people now. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore.

Chapter de Eleventh: Carrousel

"Bakura, yesterday's actions where completely uncalled for. I did not dismiss you from the conference."

"Yes, ma'am."

Here I am; taking the blame for something Kaiba got me into. If he cares so much, why isn't he here pleading my case? I guess he really does hate me for yesterday. I didn't mean to look so inconsiderate, I've been thinking of his offer all night. I'm extremely tempted to agree. Really, I'm more than willing to start following him like some god, but I can't do that. I decided I'm going to make him choose what to do. If he is sure he wants to be in love with an insane, paranoid, idiot who has no idea what he really wants, that's his issue. I have enough of my own that anyone could turn away from me because of.

I haven't told Otogi my idea yet. It's the best I could come up with and I'm scared he'll talk me out of it. With Otogi's guidance I would be stuck delaying everything till Kaiba is forced to having to stop waiting. But with Kaiba you never know. People don't keep him waiting often.

"Ryou, for the love of God! Are you even listening?"

"Yes."

"Daikon refused to send you to another class (thank you god), and he denied there was anything wrong with you."

"I understand."

"Are you sure? Do I have to repeat it?"

I want to frown at the woman, but through an amazing show of will, I do not. Instead I nod respectfully.

"May I please be excused now?"

Ms. Teacher Lady sighs at this while I eye the open exit longingly. She furrows her brow slightly at my eagerness to be gone. Stiffly, she points out the door. I feel obliged to commit some bizarre bow of sorts before leaving her furious presence. I hope she will not take this as a mockery. I just want her to know I don't consider her nothing--a worthless educator, I really don't. Her need to be involved in every student's life just doesn't appeal to me that much. Otherwise she's perfectly okay.

I leave the room and enter the hall.

…Enter the hall? I always thought such a terminology was interesting, exiting someplace yet entering another. If a person kicks you out of their room, they are kicking you into what's not their room. If a store locks its doors to you, they are opening the door to an opportunity to find another store. I guess this is the optimistic point of view. I have a talent for finding everything's good vantages.

I have assumed this is why I can love Seto Kaiba. I realize something admirable in him. I haven't pegged it down and given it a name, but I know there are collections of qualities I haven't seen yet but I recognize somewhere in Kaiba. There is something I can connect to easily and cry for hours over if it's taken away.

"Bakura?"

I jump at this in the silent, empty hall. I turn to see Yuugi, of all people, waiting. I can't believe he's still here. I think I'm on a carrousel of sorts right now and I keep seeing the most unusual faces flashing by. I didn't think Yuugi would try to catch me in my spinning insanity. I must look hilarious to him, clinging tightly to the bench I'm sitting on, not being brave enough to get on one of the horses.

"Yes, Yuugi?"

"I want to talk to you."

"Sure."

Yuugi walks over and is silent for a few seconds. Finally he starts.

"Have you spoken with Seto recently?"

I halt and look around the hall. Some teachers' doors are opened. I don't answer, but keep walking till we reach the stairs. Here, I'm sure no one can hear us.

"Yes, I have been talking with Kaiba," I finally tell him.

"Are you two going out now?"

"What?" I ask in shock. How is Yuugi supposed to know that or not?

"Otogi spoke with Seto, told him to stop being a baka or something. Seto agreed to apologize for all this mess he's made," Yuugi informs me. I have relatively no idea what he's talking about.

"Huh? I don't understand, Yuugi."

"Oh, did Seto not tell you?" Yuugi asks in horror, "I didn't think he was lying."

I quickly clear Kaiba's name.

"No, Kaiba told me he wanted me, loved me, it that's what you mean."

Yuugi sighs in relief at this, "So you two are together now, then."

"No."

It takes Yuugi a few seconds to realize what I just said. He now looks thoroughly confused.

"I turned him down, Yuugi."

"Why? How?" Yuugi is gaping at me like a fish. I faintly recall all the times I've summoned up the same expression of awe.

"I'm not letting Kaiba do such a thing till he knows a bit more about me. You never know. Certain things he doesn't yet realize might be a severe turn off for him," I hint. Basically, Kaiba doesn't know all the crazy he's getting himself into.

"Oh," Yuugi nods knowingly, "I see."

We stand in silence for a few lapses longer. It comes to the mind that the conversation is over. I turn to leave and go home.

"Bakura."

I stop and wait. "Yeah?"

"You aren't still…you know…the letters?"

I sigh and shake my head, "No, not for a while, Yuugi."

Yuugi smiles slightly in this; happy I'm not so far pathetic anymore.

"That's good. I was worried there."

I frown mildly, "There is nothing to worry about, Yuugi. I was just bored."

Yuugi nods again at this as well.

"I'm really sorry, Bakura. None of us where really paying much attention to anyone those days, just dueling. Sorry, we seemed to ignore you back then."

I shake my head at this. I walk back to where Yuugi is standing and bend till I can see him eye to eye. He looks very sorry, very sad. I summon a slight smile to my face and pet one of his charming long bangs.

"It's okay, Yuugi," I promise him. I place a hand on his short shoulder and try to comfort him of the apparent turmoil, "I never thought angrily about you, ever. Understand? You've always tried to help me, and I appreciate it. You're a good friend. I don't hold any of that myself against you; nor Jounouchi, Honda, Anzu, and anyone else. Don't upset yourself with it anymore." (A)

Yuugi nods slowly at this and grins. I straighten up and pat him on the head. I don't know why. Maybe it's because he's so short or something?

"Well then, Bakura, we're not going to do that again," he announces, grabbing my arm and dragging me out of the school, "We're all at the arcade this afternoon and you're going to join us."

I nod. This is actually why I don't want to go to school: I can't refuse Yuugi-tachi and their invites. I can't even try to. I think I should just be glad that this meeting wasn't so bad and I was able to absolve everything so quickly. All that's left now it confronting Kaiba about his newfound love for myself.

This was too easy and now I get to go to the arcade. Um...yay.

The arcade. I am usually terrible at video games. Nowadays there is only one I will play. It's some pathetic token hunting thing where you have to avoid different obstacles. I have never won this due to the location of the last token: a carrousel. I hate that carrousel.

Right when the avatar grabs the final coin, the carrousel starts up spinning faster and faster till you shoot out and land in a bed of thorns, which cause the character to die and lose the round. This is the last level and I can never pass it.

"Awe, the merry-go-round threw you off AGAIN!" Jounouchi groans as the game over letters flash across the screen.

"Ain't that the shit?" Honda remarks from the pool table. (B)

"Watch your mouth!" Yuugi scowls at him while I reach in my pockets for money to pay for another round.

Honda smirks and turn back to his pool game. He knocks about four or five other colored balls into different pockets of the set up, causing his opponets to grumble. Honda was always the Pool Master of the group, especially when playing against Jounouchi, whose skill considerably lessened since dueling came to his attention. For a few minutes I forget my game as I watch Honda try to make his victory shot. Jounounchi is taunting him and trying cause a distraction. This doesn't work. Hiroto is completely focused as he makes the shot.

"Hi, Honda-kun!"

Or was focused. He misses by an inch at the sound of Jounouchi Shizuka greeting him after her brother.

"He-hello, Shizuka…uh, Shizuka-chan," he blushes, turning around.

I watch Honda as he melts in the younger Jounounchi's presence. Katsuya smirks at his friend while his sister waves good-naturally, not aware of the embarrassment she's just caused. Honda moves to stand with her and Jounouchi. (C)

Yuugi rolls his eyes at this and turns to Anzu again. At closer inspection I see it's actually Yami no Yuugi. Go figure. He is telling Anzu something right now and she is smiling. No matter how interesting the conversation looks, I feel no desire to join in. I turn back to my game now while Jounounchi calls Mai on Anzu's cell. I place my quarter in the slot a little roughly and play the video game with a new violence. I'm trying to pretend everyone's happiness isn't bothering me, but even I know this isn't true. Am I the only single one left?

Wait, there's Yuugi, but I think he has a thing for Anzu too.

Damn, I am the only one. This is terrible. I growl at the video game and smack it lightly as I die again in the last level. Mai just entered and is chatting with all the others. I concentrate on the game and forget everything they all say before it even registers in my thought.

I have to win this game now, that's all that matters. That is all I need to worry about.

My little avatar approaches the dreaded carrousel again. I can see myself in its view, heading with a pleasant smile towards the end. There is one token on this ride; I will try to retrieve and die again. I lead the little figure towards the fatal stage of this level. Grinning, he hops onto the advanced merry-go-round of sorts and walks past all the little ponies and benches. I can imagine myself doing the same thing. Everyone else I can see in my mind on his or her own petite steed, content while I am nowhere. I can't even take up room on a bench.

The carrousel begins to move and my little character cannot get off. With one last look at his smiling face, I watch the ride begin to spin, waiting for the final moments. The little figure is suddenly shot out of the twirling blur and propelled to the thorns that will kill him.

To my awe and shock, he lands OVER the field of death. I blink a few seconds before observing the winning tunnel I must enter to finish. Slowly, mechanically, I lead the avatar (still smiling blissfully) to the last exit. I did not expect it to end that way. My character survived not being tied down to the reality of the carrousel. I find this hard to believe. I wonder if this is a message to me as well? Is this all supposed to have some divine meaning that everything is going to be okay?

I doubt it.

As a new surprise, I have made the high scores list. I take over third place. I can't believe I receive a placing anyway. This is so weird. I might have to find a new game now.

"Congratulations, Bakura."

"EEE!" I yelp at this unexpected voice in my ear, jumping forward into the game screen slightly. I turn around to look up into two familiar, intensely blue eyes. It's like he knew I was drowning in aloneness and appeared out of nowhere. I almost doubt he's real and I'm not hallucinating.

"Kaiba…" I breathe nervously. He is so close right now; I'm almost touching him. If his right arm on the video game were a bit further left, he'd be technically embracing me. I can't help but wonder if he'd still permit it to do such a thing.

"Hey, quit harassing Bakura, you jerk!" I hear Jounouchi threaten. I can feel a red blush creeping over my face at this.

"I'm not doing anything to Bakura," Kaiba growls and smirks at the same time (an amazing talent of his I have yet to understand the mechanics behind).

"Oh sure, we don't see you feeling up on him like a friggin' doll," Jounouchi accuses.

"Jounouchi!" I squeak weakly, still not over the shock of Kaiba showing up right behind me. My face must resemble Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer's nose sans the unearthly glow.

Yami no Yuugi comes to my rescue, obviously for his other side.

"Jounouchi, Kaiba is not doing anything unacceptable to Bakura. They are talking, can you not allow that much?"

Jounouchi glares at Kaiba. He turns to me, but I become fascinated with the floor suddenly. He growls for a few seconds before turning and going back to Mai. He starts to obviously complain to her about everything. Kaiba rolls his eyes at the blond boy slightly before finally resting his hovering arm over my shoulders. I do not wince at all. Kaiba's arm is strange, casual, and a comfort that is signature Otogi to me. It feels awkward from Kaiba, but I don't anything

"Bakura, I think we have some things to discuss."

The arm on my shoulders takes on a more Kaiba feel as it wraps a bit more possessively. I soon as he touched me, I was doomed to leave with him now. In the future, I need to remember that no touch by Seto Kaiba is meant to be friendly or familiar. He always wants something.

I nod along with him slowly and wave a nervous goodbye to my friends. I allow him to lead me out the door and into the rest of Domino. We walk in the general direction of my apartment, but aren't really headed for it. Kaiba finally stops a block away from the complex and I can see it over the nearby buildings. Kaiba Corporation headquarters is also in the distance if I look past a few closer businesses in the way.

In my mind, I know Kaiba is still next to me, his arm is still around my shoulders, but I'm trying to pretend I'm just roaming, by myself. He's smart I now realize. I'm close enough to my apartment to feel safe, but too far to really try to run away,

"Bakura, you still haven't told me the reason you don't want me."

I close my eyes at this and shake my head. I don't want him to see, so if I pull down my own thin lids will he be blind? Somehow I don't really think so.

"Because, I assure you, Bakura, I want you."

I shake my head again slowly (if I keep this up I'm going to become nauseous) and open my eyes.

"No, you don't."

Set-Kaiba sighs at my half-hearted correction and frowns slightly. He doesn't get it; I have not presented him with all the reasons yet. I'm not sure I want to, but I cannot stand feeling guilty. I can't have him do such a thing to himself. But I don't want him to just need to help me and not love me anymore like Otogi. Otogi did the same thing. We fell apart after I started telling him things about myself and stuff about my other self. We became friends, close friends. I'm scared Seto Kaiba will do the same thing.

"Can't you tell me why, Bakura?"

I bite my lower lip in hesitation and plain out nerves. Wasn't I planning to let him know? Don't I want him to decide what to do? I can't change his mind, and he might be disappointed if he finds out on his own. But then, doesn't he already know in a way I'm a bit outside on the focus of reality? Didn't he find that out while I was "baby-sitting" Mokuba?

"I'll have to show you," I finally answer, "Everything's in my apartment."

Kaiba raises an eyebrow slightly at this. Maybe he thinks I collect something… strange. I guess I do. I mean, who in their right minds keep papers from their past in piles in the apartment? My collection has actually moved five times from floor to floor. It used to be in my bedroom when I first moved in, but it migrated somehow to the living room. I suppose the urge to not throw away such things is already curious enough without looking at the lobster in the bath. Kaiba should be scared I'm that different.

"Then show me, I want to see," Kaiba agrees, walking again towards my apartment.

I don't think he really believes what he just said. He should be second-guessing himself by now.

My apartment really is a mess. There can be no other reason Kaiba has nearly tripped over the paper mountains three times.

"Sorry!" I apologize as he grabs the lamp to steady a recent descent.

"Don't worry, it's not your fault Bakura, just this grocery list--from…three…years…ago."

I blush and look down, "You can throw that away if you want."

"Sure you aren't going to need it for anything?" he mocks me. I turn redder and shake my head as Kaiba wads the paper up and tosses it onto the trashcan almost ten feet away across the room. He makes it perfectly.

I'm stalling here in what I'm showing Kaiba. So far he knows such boring things as my birthplace and parents names. I keep hiding everything else, information about my sister or my mother, or newspapers clippings about certain students ending up in the local hospital. I made sure my M&W cards were nowhere near the room when we entered. I'm making sure he sees nothing that will turn him away even though that's what I invited him over to for.

"Bakura, none of this is making me feel anything against you. Maybe you're just paranoid?"

"No, you haven't seen it yet, Kaiba," I tell him.

"Do you even want me to?" he asks, only slightly concerned. He thinks this is silly. "It can't be that bad. You haven't killed anyone, have you?"

I frown at this. What if I have? He has no idea what he just said. I snap, I can't take this, but I cannot show him anything.

(This looks amusing.)

I glare slightly at this voice. I hate that. Why is he bothering anyway? I'm too busy being distracted I do not realize what I'm saying to Kaiba till it's too late to take even the smallest portion back.

"Kaiba, I'm just a terrible person. You don't know; you weren't there. I've hurt so many people you can't begin to realize. I can't be loved because I'm so unlucky. Don't do this. You're business will fail and everything will turn out badly."

Kaiba looks surprised. He blinks once, decides he doesn't except my words, and recovers.

"You're not serious, Bakura."

I glare at him slightly and stand up. I realize now I am serious (even if I didn't mean to say that), he just can't see. He's blind. I don't want to injure him in any way whatsoever but apparently I've already pecked his eyes out. This is pathetic, trying to think so many wonderful things about Kaiba when I really shouldn't be here with him at all. I know some way I will make him suffer. My other self might do something as is usually the case. Kaiba may feel sorry for me, which could hurt the both of us. He doesn't know.

I'm on a carrousel and in a few more spins I'm going to fly off. I'm not going to miss the thorns; I'm going to land right on top of them. Accepting me, caring for me is allowing the same fate to him, only, he doesn't realize. I haven't told him. I can't tell him. All I can do is cry and get angry and chase Kaiba away as soon as possible.

"Yes I am, Kaiba. I am completely serious. Don't think I'm not because I am. I've never been more serious."

I'm overusing the keyword "serious" here because my thinking is a bit impaired. Kaiba actually smirks, laughs at this. He stands and faces me.

"You sound scared."

Scared? I'm not scared. I'm concerned. I'm trying to keep everyone else safe, not myself. If I do not protect others they will get mad at me. I don't like people to not be happy, especially if I'm the cause. When people are angry nothing very good happens for a long time, so I try to avoid it. I'm doing so now.

Can't Kaiba see? I don't want any injury; I just want to dream. I can live with dreams.

"Bakura, there's nothing to be afraid of. I'm not going to hurt you."

Kaiba closes the gap between us considerably and I'm suddenly nervous. I never have been before around him, but now…part of me is tearing away and trying to give itself to Kaiba. I'm terrified how much of my heart will joined it.

"Are you sure?" I finally ask quietly, slipping from my defense mode a bit too much. I can feel my other self become irritated.

"It's okay. You think I'm totally blameless? I want you. I love you."

I know this is a very sweet thing to say and almost a show on some romantic side to Kaiba I have never seen, but still. The annoyingly cynical voice in my mind is screaming at me, telling me it's a lie, a lame, cliché lie.

I don't know what to believe. Seems the only thing I can really trust is the idea that I might just be scared. In fact, maybe I'm terrified. Should I just lock myself in my room and not come out so I can't find out if there is a reason for this? I don't want to be wary, ignore it, and have all the tension justified later on so I can suffer.

Kaiba really shouldn't have said anything.

"Bakura, what are you afraid of?"

That's a no brainer. Everything, why?

"I just…" my mouth replies for me since I cannot choose anything to say. Kaiba finds some way to step even nearer at this hesitation. We are just barely touching now and if my breathing keeps speeding up, my clothes will brush his. It's exciting but in makes me tense at the same time. I have no idea what to do now. I think Kaiba plans on solving this for me.

Yes, he does. Kaiba leaps forward and kisses me again, bringing up memories of before and how I really haven't changed from then. I want to melt into him and relax, but I'm terrified right now. Kaiba really should time himself better. He never picks very opportune moments to just "attack" like this.

On some contemplative instinct, I pull my foot back and kick him right in the shin. He breaks from violent little me quickly with a grunt, grabbing his leg and winching.

"Kaiba," I scowl, pushing him away and backing up, "Don't."

Kaiba watches me with a confused expression. He also looks a bit angry as well. This is just great.

"Bakura?" he asks in frustration while I keep backing up.

"No, Kaiba, no," I command softly. If it makes you feel better, I don't know what the hell I'm doing either. I just see I can't do this for some reason or another. It's impossible.

"I can't trust you, Kaiba," I inform him. "Not after Yuugi. Not after the fact you're Seto Kaiba. I give up."

And so I've picked the coward's way out. Blame Yuugi; blame Kaiba's reputation.

Kaiba is anfry now. I can see it in his face. I know he is disappointed. How many people turn down Seto Kaiba? I don't want to, but something in charge right now says I have to. I can't fight it off. I have to stop everything that could make me happy because I might just get hurt. This is how paranoid I have become of trusting other people. My father is the reason; my sister is the reason; my mother is the reason. All these things I believed that left me alone.

Otogi tried to fix it, but nothing can help. I can't be changed. I just wanted Kaiba to know it isn't his fault, that there's nothing wrong with him. Everything that's wrong is in me; I'm insane. I think I just want to dream from now on.

"But Bakura, can't you see I will not hurt you?" Kaiba asks like he's trying to teach me something I don't know. I see it a lot these days; no one wants to hurt Bakura, Bakura hurts himself. Well if that's the way it is then I shouldn't change it.

"I know you don't want to, but you already have. Just stop now," I answer. Indeed, this is painful. I need it to go away, to leave me alone and go bother another person.

"How can you say that? I would never do such a thing!" Kaiba proclaims.

"It's not your fault, it's mine," I console, trying not to offend him, "I can't do things like this anymore."

"Can't you try?"

This question catches me off guard. I don't have any reasonable answer.

"I don't know if I can, Kaiba," I finally reply, quiet now. Kaiba is still watching me, not sure about how he's going to handle the rejection, I'm sure.

"Maybe I should leave and let you find that out," Kaiba suggests, obvious frustration in his tone.

"Yes, maybe," I mutter. Kaiba sighs loudly at this and hurries out. I hear him but I cannot look up. I can only listen as he exits the apartment, angry with me. I don't like people to be upset, but I always find a way to make them so. I guess it's some freak talent I've acquired. I swear I never asked for it.

"Bakura, are you okay?"

I turn in shock to the hallway. I can't believe it. I look at the unknown occupant of this apartment who probably heard everything that just happened.

"Otogi? You're here?"

I am surprised.

"I figured it would look kind of awkward if I tried to leave while you and Kaiba were over. I was in the game room."

I nod slowly at this. I'm quite thankful he considered this before making a scene. I wonder how he knows these things?

"Better you than Yuugi, I suppose," I sigh, walking over to the couch and collapsing into the cushions. Otogi comes forward and leans on the furniture's frame behind me. He waits a few seconds before speaking.

"Why did you do that to Kaiba, Baka Bakura?" he asks me. I'm not angry at the insult, he knows just as well as I do that what I just did was stupid. Otogi doesn't usually hide what he thinks about things and that is often annoying. This is a reason many people discover they can't stand him. I sometimes can't either, and I'm used to it.

"I was scared," I answer, closing my eyes and leaning back, "I really don't know what I'm doing."

"Oh, isn't that obvious," Otogi agrees. I frown slightly and open my eyes, looking up at him crossly. It's hard to, though, since being behind me, Otogi's face is upside-down and rather humorous.

"That's so you," he mutters.

"What?" I ask, confused. What's so me?

"Here is everyone, trying to help you, and you throw it all away in less than five hours."

"I don't understand, Otogi."

Otogi frowns slightly, "You know, Yuugi's been dropping hints to Kaiba since they broke up leaning towards you, I flat out argued with him, and Yami went through, almost defining everything going on."

"What?"

Otogi shakes his head. "You do the craziest things to yourself."

I glare at him, suddenly angry, "So, I was right then, Kaiba doesn't love me, he thinks he does because you and Yuugi will not stop telling him that like a pair of motivational tapes on replay?"

Otogi blinks slightly, "No."

"Yes, I think so," I pout, suddenly regretting my decision to turn down Kaiba less and less.

"Oh, and we all trust exactly what you think! Yes…"

I frown, "Otogi, why are you mocking me?"

"Because no else is going to. You really shouldn't have done that to poor Kaiba, he's only in love with you. Is that a crime?" Otogi asks, suffering one of his more serious moments.

I sigh at this and sit up again, shaking my head. I have no idea what it is I'm locking up everything for. My mind has stopped trying to reason with my heart, which is just trying to find out why the hell I made Kaiba go away.

"What am I suppose to do? You have seriously ruined things more than I could," I snap, not expecting an answer.

"You need to think, Bakura. You need to make a decision of some sort and side with one of those insane voices in your head."

"Who told you there where voices?" I ask in surprise, but I'm kidding.

"You did, a long time ago," Otogi sats.

I nod at this. Otogi knows too much. Either he reads my mind very well or he's got some astounding intuition. He seems to know what I'm thinking very well.

"Well, I don't want Kaiba if he's been forced to believe all this," I decide.

"No, Ryou, we wouldn't have done it if we didn't think there was already something between you two," he informs me softly. I'm not really any happier.

"Don't you see, there was nothing, Ryuuji. It was a crush, okay?"

"Yeah right, you were too shy to say anything, he was too proud. We wanted to help."

I shake my head. I am of the conviction that if it was meant to be, it would have happened on it own accord. You just don't play matchmaker and mess with these things unless given permission. I think I know a reason why this has happened.

"I know it's because I'm gay, right?" I ask in annoyance.

"Ryou, that has noth—"

"Yes, it does. You all think I'll never fall in love because of it, I know that. You want to help me find the most eligible, most successful, and simply the best man of the same disposition out there because you think I can't find anyone by myself."

"Ryou…"

I don't look at him; no, I scowl at the wall. They can't do this to me; it's cruel and unusual punishment. What were they thinking?

"Want me to go now?" Otogi asks, looking at the door.

I shrug at this. The idea of him staying or going is nothing. I'm just trying to see what's wrong with me right now and if there is anyway I could get Kaiba out of my mind as he does not deserve the insult of being in there.

"Then I'll be in the game room."

I nod quietly. Otogi leaves and I just stay in my seat. The couch is very nice right now, very soft. I'd talk to it if I could see the smallest inkling of humanity from the cushions and armrests. Furniture is very nice. I dislike houses without it. I like sitting in chairs.

Why the hell am I thinking about this? Why am I trying to avoid worrying over Kaiba and what I should do? I have to fix this mess everyone's made now. This is insane; I'm insane. I don't know what I'm doing.

"I believe people call that a checkmate, Bakura. You win."

I watch the chessboard lazily. I don't know how I won, but Otogi is telling me I just did.

"Maybe you should be in chess club?" he suggest mockingly. I shake my head.

"Maybe you just suck."

"Watch your language, Mahout!" He scowls slightly, throwing a pawn at my head.

"Sorry," I apologize. I didn't mean it anyway. I'm just saying loads of anything right now.

"Who taught you to play chess? Last time you tried to play I beat you in six moves. Now you even have the grid down and I don't even bother with it. How long have you been hanging around with the chess club anyway?"

I frown at this and shake my head. I have not sat through chess club for a long time. Recently they have been chasing me away to the empty halls. Even the intelligent freaks reject me. I guess they are smart.

"Kaiba," I answer, knocking over my bishop and spinning it around. It looks so stupid rolling in a drunken circle. Maybe that's why I just can't stop messing with it. I can relate. I stagger around in circles all through my life. I don't drink, but there's something wrong with me.

"Bakura, what you haven't realized yet about you and Seto is that life… life is a game…." Otogi starts to lecture. I frown at him, as he is not being serious at all.

"Take chess, for example," he adds, motioning to the board, "There are so many various strategies. Some are to win and others to lose. But a lifetime, unlike this simple complex game, doesn't just end with one mistake and, your opponent doesn't ever lose because you have no partner in the game but yourself."

"You're crazy, that doesn't mean anything," I grumble at his mockery, "You're not making sense."

"Exactly. Don't liken emotions to objects because an object can be destroyed or lost, and that doesn't say much comparing them. You don't always have to give things bizarre names or relations, you know."

"I never knew you could be so deep, Otogi." I retaliate. How does he always say these things? I feel like I'm at a terrible disadvantage.

"As opposed to me being shallow?" he asks in false insult.

"Well, yes," I say as though it is my humble opinion that everyone thinks this.

"I didn't think superficial people bothered you, Bakura. I mean, you were crushing on Seto Kaiba."

I pick up my rook and toss it at Otogi. He smirks as it flies by his head and hits the ground. I hear it roll into the wall with a dissident clatter at being thrown. Well, I hope now it's happy instead, it's one of the few things of mine that has escaped, though temporarily.

"Nice," Otogi mutters, "Kaiba must like his boyfriends' quietness and immaturity. You fit the bill."

I stop spinning my bishop at this.

"Kaiba doesn't like me and I'm not immature." I pout, resisting the urge to start spinning the bishop again.

"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you, Mahout?"

"I am not an elephant driver, Otogi," I complain. Maybe I do sound a bit silly?

(You need to grown up, yadonushi.)

"Shut up," I mutter at the voice.

"I didn't say anything, Bakura. I think you're hallucinating," Otogi corrects. I didn't know he could hear that.

"Not you, Otogi. My other mind just told me to grow up," I tell him. Otogi actually smirks.

"Then it's two against one: Grow up."

I flick the stagnant bishop at him and watch it miss by five inches to the left.

"And get some glasses, you need them," he adds, watching the chess piece clattering into the wall with it's brother.

"No I don't."

"You're right," he agrees, studying my face, "I wouldn't think they'd let your face show. Kaiba's got to love your blue eyes and glasses would not help." (D)

I find myself blushing at this mentioning of Kaiba and try to convince myself for a few seconds Kaiba isn't totally disillusioned. I don't realize it's futile till Otogi lands a pawn right between my eyes.

"Hey," I yelp, instinctively tensing and jumping back. Otogi smirks and keeps talking.

"I'm not kidding, well, not that much; Kaiba seemed quite fallen for you, Mahout. Why did you drive him away?"

"Kaiba is not an elephant, Otogi, I did not 'drive' him anywhere, unlike you."

Otogi laughs at this. I mean, really laughs. His eyes are watering and he breathing isn't exactly at a regulated living rate. Well, at least someone finds this funny.

"I actually didn't mean it that way, Ryou," he finally informs me, "But it's hilarious coming from you."

"Will you stop, I don't want to think about Kaiba right now!" I snap. Almost instantly Otogi is silent and I am in slight awe.

"Sorry," he apologizes, "But if it helps, I think I know what is running through Kaiba's mind right now."

"How would you know? Oh yeah, you brainwashed him…. You an Yuugi, the think tank."

"Do you want to know what I said to him?"

Despite efforts to remain uninterested, I am curious. I wonder why Otogi was even speaking to Kaiab? People have told me they spoke to each other, but I would have never thought of Otogi to actually bring it up. I always thought he considered Kaiba an inconsiderate egotist. Not too unlike himself actually….

"When, exactly?" I ask nervously since I don't really know the day.

"The day he missed class."

Now I remember. Kaiba mentioned this outside my apartment. He said Otogi has let him realize something. That actually was kind of lame. He could have started with the cliché, "Ryou, I've been thinking…" or, "You are so beautiful," but no. He had to bring Otogi up in it for some reason.

"Why?"

"I felt like I ought to bring a few things to light for him. It was a very interesting conversation." Otogi notes, purposely leaving out the details, waiting for me to ask.

"What did you say? What did he do? What did he tell you?" I ask quietly, annoyingly. I want to make this as upleasant as possible.

"It was almost funny, to tell you the truth. I have never seen Kaiba unsure of himself. Well, at least not so much. I had an advantage of knowing what to look for."

"Huh?" I ask, startled by this announcement.

"Bakura, do you know how worked up Kaiba has made himself over you? I really thought he had gone crazy. You know, because everyone says Kaiba is crazy," Otogi informs me. For some reason I cannot take in what he just said. He meant how worked up they made him over me, right?

He can't have thought Kaiba looked crazy, I am crazy and I don't bear any resemblance to Kaiba.

"I don't understand…" I say slightly, more to myself than Otogi across from me. I'm starting to question whether chasing Kaiba away was what I really should have done. Maybe I should have dragged him over to the game room and found Otogi? Then we could've have figure it all out.

"He somehow was of the mind you hated him, Ryou. It was the strangest thing." Otogi shakes his head, "I, of course, had come to yell at him for the opposite."

"Did you?" I gasp in mock shock (hey…that…rhymes horribly). That's all I can grasp, Otogi tried to anger Kaiba in my name. Oh no.

"Is there a reason I shouldn't have?" Otogi asks, though he isn't being serious, "Obviously we raised voices a little and called each other terrible names. He was the first to start issuing the profanities, though. You know me. I'm totally innocent."

Yeah, right.

"Why was he mad? What did you want him to do?" I ask, not entirely sure I want to hear the answer yet not wanting to avoid this opportunity.

"I wanted him to stop being an idiot. I felt sorry for you, Bakura, you were so taken with Kaiba but you didn't do much to let him know. I told him about you and that he had to do something before you began to freak out. You always do that, you know, separate yourself from whatever you can't reach. It was kind of funny. Kaiba was trying to not like you. He finally had me removed from the building, but I think my message got through. I didn't think you'd yell at him though."

"Which is why you shouldn't mess with my personal life." I find myself snapping.

"Ryou, sorry, but you don't have a personal life. You have a personal world and I obviously cannot understand or predict anything you do," Otogi tells me. I blink in surprise at this. I guess I've spent all this time telling myself Otogi could see right through me, but he can't. I don't know what to do now. No one knows me then. Kaiba's tried, Otogi's tried, but I can't let them.

"I think now because of what you said, Mahout, he is unsure yet again. I don't think Kaiba hates you, though. He is just concerned with what you said and with what he did wrong because he's Kaiba Seto and the world revolves around him. Don't do anything to yourself because of this. Otherwise, you're both egoists."

"I wasn't planning to," I answer. I really wasn't, not physically that is. My mind has become so incoherent I don't know what it's going to decide. I'm not planning any affronting of the issue to Kaiba. He'll have to come up on his own for that.

"Don't ever plan to," Otogi warns. I'm sadly not really listening. There's a reason though. I keep seeing the same aggrieving picture in my mind's eye. I want it t go away.

There is goes…again. I see the smiling avatar in my head. It's waving to me and walking up to a carrousel. I've tried to stop it, but I can't. The character is spun about and thrown into the air. It lands right on top of the thorns; only, it's not the smiling adventurer. It is I, and I'm losing. I can see my body cut and bleeding. It's terrible. I want to scream and run. I want to tell someone what I'm seeing, but I can't.

It isn't painful or anything. Just disturbing and making me question my stability and sanity more than usual.

Is this a warning or just random insanity? I think my friends are the carrousel, sending me off into hell. I hear about people who feel like their hearts have been skillfully ripped from their chests in circumstances where love leaves angrily. I don't have any such ache. I'm just disoriented.

I have to clear everything up somehow.

"Otogi, am I suppose to feel bad about this not filling with your plan?" I ask nervously. I don't get it. I need an answer.

"Do you?" the ignorant Otogi asks.

I think for a few seconds; sense myself for a few seconds. No, my heart is still there and nothing hurts but my brain, which always seems to throb somehow.

I shake my head at Otogi's question, "No. Is there something wrong with that?"

Otogi observes me in awe for a few seconds, his eyebrows bunched in contemplation.

"No," he mutters, "There's nothing wrong."

I feel like crying, but I'm forgetting why. All I can think of is that devious little avatar landing over the thorns now. He lands over them while I am entangled and pleading for help. He smiles and wobbles over to the finish tunnel, blowing me a kiss. I'm going to bleed to death. No one can help me now.

"Bakura, I think you need to sleep. It's late and we have school tomorrow."

I look at the clock in the corner of the room. It is the VCR. Don't you try to think I set it. Otogi did, not me. If he did it correctly, then it's well into eleven.

"Sure," I breathe quietly, still watching the red digits on the face of the VCR intently. Who cares what Otogi says anyway?

"Ryou, wake up. You aren't in bed yet!" Otogi orders, waving a hand in my face.

"Sorry," I apologize, looking away. I half float down to the bedroom while Otogi asks where the linen closet is. I don't know if I answer. He's saying something about sleeping on the couch and his apartment being too far away. I loosely string all of this together to understand he isn't leaving.

"I want to cry, but I can't. Why?" I ask as Otogi walks past the doorway.

"You're just tired and a upset, Mahout. You'll feel better in the morning," he tell me lightly, closing the door and leaving.

I nod, even though it is too late for him to see it.

I fall asleep so quickly. I wonder if my head has even hit the pillows before my mind stops.

I think I know where I am, but that doesn't mean I want to stay. I recognize this cheaply animated world and I want to leave now. I see ahead of me an avatar. It smiles and waves. I am furious. I run after the avatar, but I can't reach. Finally, I can see it ahead, no longer walking. I rush up to grab him before I realize what I just did.

I just stepped onto a large carrousel.

I turn around and try to make a break for it, but it's too late. The ground begins to spin and I want to scream. I can't grab anything to anchor myself.

I sit down on the floor and hide my face in my arms, curling into a ball. I feel the turn of the terrible ride speed up. I still can't scream. This is hell.

Finally some outside force of nature whips me out of the spinning contraption. I'm airborne and ready to panic. I know what is coming next. I don't want to see it though. Unfortunately, everything here is the opposite of what I want.

Against my will I open my eyes and look down. I can see the thorns and the soft ground by the winning tunnel. I'm going to land in one or the other. I find I don't really know where I want to go. The winning area seems better, but I don't think I deserve it.

As I start rushing down to Earth, I find my voice and scream bloody murder in one shrill note. I'm about to realize the outcome of the landing as everything goes black.

"Ryou, are you okay?" Otogi asks sincerely. He is stroking my hair like usual. I don't think he knows how to do anything else.

"No," I pout. Isn't that obvious by now? I'm terrified.

"Why did you scream? Did you have a bad dream?"

I'd glare if I weren't so terrified. It's as though I'm a tiny child who is suffering from a nightmare. I guess I am, but Otogi doesn't have to rub it in so much.

"Yes, but I'll be okay," I console him. He looks unsure, "I'm serious. It's just a dream."

Otogi nods slowly and exits, closing the door again.

I sit in the dark. The time is glowing in the corner. I turn to the clock. In an hour I have to be up and ready to walk to school.

I think I can stay up that much longer.

Notes and Stuff:

A: Flashbacks of Charlie Brown there. "You're a good friend, Charlie Brown—Yuugi Motou!"
B: Honda says shit a lot. I noticed this.
C: Yeah, hopefully you don't get too confused which Jounouchi I'm referring to.
D: I chose blue for Ryou's eyes. They change way too often for my comfort.

Okay, for those of you freaked out by Ryou's thoughts:

Ha! Isn't it awesome?

Now….

Please review or else!

…I can't do anything. Never mind.

Randomness—Raw sea urchin is sick. I'm scared for life now. people.