Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh.
The pairings introduced right now:
Anzu/Yami no Yuugi
Jounouchi/Mai
The crushes introduced right now:
Ryou/Seto
Thanks to R Amythest for beta reading. I've been "bombarding" her with stuff. Good thing Sarina Fannel hasn't been typing too much.
Chapter de Twelfth: Denial
I've been avoiding Kaiba for…one week today. So what? I've been keeping track. I do this all the time. There is nothing different.
Your views, your face,
They always change.
You found me here.
I'm always the same.
Okay, I'm not exactly stuck, but it tends to seem like that. I must be unable to reconfigure myself too much. I wish I could, but it's hard. I'm paranoid for some reason I'll end up by myself, the only one standing with me.
Of course, maybe I'm lying about that. Yuugi-tachi is becoming a lot less irritating. I currently find them all very interesting. They are friends now, really friends. It's different than I thought before. I know Yuugi is just dragging me around out of sympathy, but I have nothing against it anymore. I'm getting over the fact they have paired themselves up with others. It's almost comfortable around them. I don't have to worry about random stuff till I get home.
When I get home I don't know what I'm thinking. I usually forget now. All I can tell you is it's been a week today. Tomorrow it will be a week and a day. Then a week and two days. Then two weeks. Then before I know it, a year. And I will not remember anything else.
I should move. No, not from Domino. From my desk. Class ended fifteen minutes ago.
I don't want to. I don't want to do anything.
I have no idea why.
This is horrible. I don't even want to be here. If I hate this so much, why can't I go away? Why can't I stand and walk out?
"Bakura, are you feeling okay?"
I turn around and nod, smiling slightly, "Fine."
"Then why are you still here?"
My semblance of easiness flickers, "Jounouchi…."
Jounouchi puts his mop into his bucket and walks in. I don't remember inviting him over to my solitude, but he has the amazing tendency to hear a request somewhere even if I don't. It's odd.
"Bakura, I don't know if anyone has bothered to tell you, but the way you're acting these days isn't right."
I blink at this, but I don't say anything. How am I messing up in my behavior? Is my willingness to follow around with Yuugi-tachi really that bizarre?
"Kaiba and you, it's messing with your head."
No it's not, Jounouchi; you, my friend, are terribly unfocused. I'm more normal now. And I haven't known you to be concerned about something that hurts Seto Kaiba. I think you're insane too. I'm going to commit myself next week into the hospital. Are you asking to come along?
"I didn't know you were so concerned about Kaiba, Jounouchi," I muse out loud. He frowns deeply at this and glares.
"It's not Kaiba I'm worried about, it's you."
I'm almost touched by this confession. People are concerned.
That's nice.
"You aren't being yourself, Bakura. You're with the group almost every day but you're ignoring us a lot more than usual. You're freaking everyone out."
Oh, no. Now everyone's involved in this. I guess I'm not fooling anyone. That's what he telling me.
"Kaiba is an idiot and he's messed up. Personally, I think he deserves it."
I smirk. That's classic Jounouchi there for you. Tell your friend he's creapping you out more than usual, but keep your priorities straight.
"But you do not. I can't stand it, none of us can. I wish you'd get over it. If you can't, I don't give a damn if it's Kaiba, confront what the hell is wrong. Fight. I hate what you're doing right now more than that."
I am shocked at this suggestion, but I don't think Jounouchi is crazy anymore. I guess no one told him Kaiba really doesn't love me, he's just been brainwashed.
"Jounouchi," I start. I can't finish it though. I'm trying to keep his words from making sense. Yes, I do still admire Kaiba in a sense, but now it's just so confusing. Everyone is angry with me for turning him down.
"Bakura, I want you to stop."
This order is acknowledged instantly. I know he's right, but I wish he weren't. I'm starting to hate this more and more; the feeling what everyone is saying is correct and I just refuse to accept it. Maybe everyone plotting against me (or, well. for me, but they made the tragic mistake of never asking what I thought about it) made a lot more sense than I thought. The reason I just don't get it is because I'm insane.
Maybe I have to apologize to Kaiba? Part of me wants to, but the part in charge will not say a word unless Kaiba comes up to us. Very stubborn are we, yes.
"Bakura, don't cry…" Jounouchi comforts slightly.
"I'm not crying," I inform him before an unexpected tear falls. I'd glare at it if I could. I can't stay here any longer. My eyes have apparently formed minds of their own right now and they think I'm to be bawling about something.
"Sorry, I have to go," I let the blonde know before making a break for it.
I hurry away from Jounounchi as quickly as I can. I know I'm not being at all inconspicuous in my exit, but I don't care. As long as he doesn't try to catch up, I'm okay.
I reach my apartment unhindered. I'm very close to pain right now. My stomach or something around there is threatening to fall out of existence.
(You aren't this pathetic, are you?)
I shake my head and successfully chase away the horrible dread; the feeling I have ruined my life forever because maybe for some reason, Yuugi and Otogi had the right idea. I have been thinking of solutions and excuses for a week. So far I haven't come across any horrible ideas. That's a good thing.
Or not. I don't really know.
"Hello, Lobster," I greet entering the kitchen. He swims about slowly. I think the near death experience was a bit frightening for him. That fellow in the sink, my friends, is a changed lobster. I think he has a new appreciation to life, a new view on all the petty happenings around him.
I should get me one of those, a near death experience.
"Are you still mad about that whole almost dying thing a week ago?" I ask him sadly.
Yes, he is. I can see it in how he ignores me.
"I said I was sorry."
The lobster sends up a few bubbles at this sarcastically. I suddenly realize something.
"This treatment isn't about last week, is it?" I ask; a bit peeved.
The crustacean actually waves its tail fin in an unmistakable "yes" answer.
"Is this about Kaiba?"
The animal ignores me again. I sigh in frustration.
"Is it about…Seto?"
The yes motion is repeated. I try hard not to scream.
"Argh, you agree with them then, Yuugi and Otogi?"
I am splashed at and now my face is wet. I growl slightly at the lobster in the sink.
What does the lobster know? It's a lobster!
I really should stop this sitting in. Chess club will be here any minute now. I haven't seen my old friends the chess-nerds in a long time. I wouldn't mind to make this long time longer actually. Still, I find I cannot move. I can hear them coming and I cannot do anything about it.
This is terrible.
"Salutations, o' Silent Observer! Long time no see," some kid with an obvious death wish greets. Luckily for him, I don't kill obnoxious people.
I stick to my namesake and don't say anything. I just watch the group set up their little boards and arrange the pieces. It's kind of strange now when I actually know what they're doing.
I'm waiting for the one snotty annoying one who greeted me to send me away to the halls.
"So your name is Bakura?"
I nod, silently. I don't like his arrogant tone. The kid has quite an ego for a smart freak. We've all got to be proud about something, but really.
Still waiting to be chased away here.
"Why are you always here Bakura?"
I furrow my brow at this. I always avoid talking to the extreme. The entire club must think I'm either crazy or retarded.
"Bakura, want to play some chess? How about we play some chess?"
I hate that boy. He is very rude. Yes, I know his intelligence is most likely a few points (a few as in a few hundred) over my own, but that isn't an excuse to treat me like I've got the brain power of a small bird.
I'm not stupid.
(Really? I didn't know that.)
"Awe, can your mind not comprehend such a complexity as this strategic board game? We can teach you."
I don't move. I don't plan too. Some of the students are watching the boy nervously while others are egging him on. The room is divided but none are really supporting me, just terrified of getting into trouble. It's kind of strange to think anyone could be afraid of me.
"One round. Is that all right with you?"
I still don't say anything as he places a board in front of me. I watch it distantly. The boy grins at this.
"I promise to finish you off fast."
Someone hands me some dark brown pieces and I look down at them. The boy almost laughs.
"Do you not know how to set up the game?"
Yes, that's precisely it! Now go away or kick me out of this room.
Against the nagging voice in my mind, I place all the wooden characters into their proper positions.
"You've been watching for a long time," he acknowledges.
If I win, I'm going to find some way to punish him with a Shadow Game. Chess is kind of hard to turn life and death though.
"That or you're looking over my shoulder at the other boards, which is more probable."
(I'm going to kill that kid.)
For once I think my other mind has the right idea.
"I'll start. You know that, right? White side starts first."
I blink at this is. Why would I not? I'm being played for a fool. Even before I knew a damn thing about chess, I knew white started first. I don't enjoy this boy's mannerism at all. He really needs another hobby than picking on people with lower intellectual performance who also happen to be weaklings.
"Pawn E-2, to E-4. You're turn. I'm right to assume you know the grid?"
(That's it, you're going to slaughter this brat in his own pathetic game.)
I don't care. I'm more than willing to take a French leave right now. It seems that the other side of my mind has a decidedly different idea of attack.
"Sorry, didn't hear that, Bakura. You'll have to speak up."
I glare at the annoying person sitting in front of me. I haven't said anything yet.
"I guess you're petrified at the thought of competing against me. It's plausible."
(That boy better have made his will.)
I frown at this. Yes, thank you, I get the picture. Please now, be quiet as I'm trying so very hard to concentrate. If I don't play, my other self may just be compelled to jump in for me. This kid should never have made such a challenge without knowing there's a very dangerous other person inside me.
"Pawn H-7 to H-8," I order slowly, moving the piece.
The boy smirks at me like I just made the most horrible move possible in the history of the game. How can he know it's a bad move and be so sure of himself? It's one pawn moving on space forward. How does that clench it for him?
I hope my other self won't overreact when I lose.
My rook crosses the board safely, taking out a knight.
"Check."
"No!"
I wait for the boy to move a piece to defend. He does and I knock it out of the game.
"Check," I repeat.
The boy moves his king up. I move my queen up as well.
"Check."
The opponent growls at the board before him and glares. He cannot move.
"Checkmate."
The other watches angrily every possible move. There is nothing left to save him. I have amazingly taken very few of his pieces, also. I think it's funny. He's basically trapped himself. People around the club have been muttering things about different movies and whatever that don't make sense. I didn't know chess had such an extensive vocabulary. I just pushed the pieces around. I'm sure I wouldn't have beat him of he had known what to expect. Same for when I beat Ryuuji. If they had known not to let their guard down, then they would have tried harder and won, like Kaiba, who tries not to assume to little of his opponents because it's always proven to be a very bad idea.
"Who taught you that, Bakura?" the boy asks, studying the board.
I reply as usual. I shrug like I don't know. There's a part of my mind asking me to please brag about how the opponent's King was surrounded by too many of his own men to move to safety, but I ignore it. The boy rolls his eyes.
"Can't you tell me any of your strategy? You won so quickly."
I shrug again and shake my head. I really don't know what I did. I just decided I had to trap his king and I trapped his king. I did the same thing to Kaiba's queen once on accident and lost. (B)
"Please? I know I came off a bit harsh, but the challenge was just in good fun. Really, I'm a friend. You can tell me how you won and I will not tell a soul. I swear," but as he finishes saying this, the rest of the chess club leans forward to hear better.
"Yeah, I guess you'd be too busy using it yourself."
I feel a familiar presence behind me in the doorway and turn around. I want to squeak, dodge under the desk, and hide. I want to jump out the window and fly away. I just want to not be here.
"Seto Kaiba?" the boy asks. All the other chess players look up at Kaiba in awe.
I turn back the board and look at the pieces, quickly rearranging them into their original positions to have something to do. I'd leave the room, but I'd have to brush past Kaiba. I don't know why, but I feel like I should be avoiding him. I mean, he admitted he loved me and that makes everything so tragically awkward no matter what I do, even if he's realized he doesn't. It makes even the most everyday casual action, such as saying hello, strange because one thought keeps zapping my mind: the guy said he liked you but you know he doesn't. I find I have trouble with this for some reason.
I remember what Jounouchi said yesterday about doing what I think will help me, doing what will probably make a lot of things easier.
Sorry, Jounouchi, but I just can't. It's impossible for me. I'm just not like that. I don't even care about all of this. I mean it's not like I'm suffering heartbreak over Kaiba and what I did to him a week and a day ago.
Argh, a week and a day! Why am I keeping track?
(You're obsessive.)
Forget that right now. I can't do what Jounouchi said. I can't do what anyone wants. I want Kaiba and yet I can't let him know, because when he finally wakes up from his brainwashed state, he'll realise he doesn't feel the same. So, I have to contradict and contradict at every turn till he sees this. The horrific thing is that I don't even want to.
I can't want to. I can't do anything except leave now because Kaiba has just entered and is crossing the room. I think he has something to say to the chess club supervisor or something.
I rise and hurry out.
Halfway down the stairs I feel like laughing. I'm alone here. It's funny that I'm so hopelessly alone and in circles around myself. I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore.
You know what's simply hilarious? Know what's so funny?
I was expecting Kaiba to follow me.
Ha! Doesn't that make you smile? Aren't you rolling on the floor laughing at me? I would if I weren't standing on a staircase.
(Are you feeling all right?)
Yes, I'm perfectly fine. I wonder where Yuugi-tachi is? Maybe the game shop, right? Maybe the arcade?
I don't know, but I'll find them. I'll stay with all of them.
Sorry, Jounouchi-kun, I will not tell you I saw Kaiba-sama today. Bakura-chan is busy losing his mind to Insanity-sama.
Yes, I'm insulting myself. Not like anyone else is going to.
Well, except Otogi.
I'm smiling as I exit the building. I have no idea why. I reach the apartments so quickly and I'm soon upstairs, unlocking the door and entering. I can see Kaiba Corporation's headquarters in the distance. That's the tallest building in the entire city of Domino. It's quiet the ego those CEOs have. It's funny, but I'm not really laughing anymore.
I thought I wanted to find Yuugi-tachi? Why am I in my apartment? I have to leave. I drop my bag on the couch and walk to the kitchen.
"Hello, lobster."
The crustacean swims up to me as I give it food.
"I have to go now, I'm suppose to be with Yuugi-tachi, but I forgot that and came here. Are you okay?"
The lobster signals "yes" and for some reason I sigh in relief. I don't know why I asked as the lobster stays home all the time. I don't really care.
I exit the apartment again and halfway down the street I discover I still have my bag. I grabbed it again for some reason.
That or I forgot to put it down. Did I put it down?
I don't care, I'm busy distracting myself so the picture of Kaiba I keep seeing in my minds eye will stop coming up. Why is my mind even allowed to have an eye? I can't think about Kaiba now. Guilt hurts.
Before I can stop myself, I notice I'm knocking on the door to Otogi's. I can't turn and run as he opens the door and looks at me standing there, confused.
"Bakura, are you okay?"
I frown and look at the ground outside the apartment, under the welcome mat, randomly. Cement, pale cement. Interesting. (C)
"I--I don't know," I answer somehow. I'm stuttering and I don't know the reason. I want to cry about something, but I'm trying to avoid why. I can't think about Kaiba.
"Come in," Otogi invites. I take this willingly and enter. I walk calmly to the table and sit down.
Well, no. I don't sit down. I collapse into a chair and hold my head in my hands desperately, trying not to start crying, trying not to remember what.
Yes, I know I'm trembling, damn it!
I'm very sorry. I shouldn't really be swearing at this. I know for a fact it will not help me.
"What's wrong?" Otogi asks, because that's all anyone ever wants to know. Sitting down in (not collapsing into) a chair across from me.
I'm not really watching him, but I can see his hands clasped as if he's praying on the table. I picture a big mug with the words "Dr. Ryuuji" on the front next to him. My hands are now in my hair, pulling it to keep my head up. My elbows on the table are hard and bony and difficult to really move much. That's a good thing. It makes sure my head doesn't crash into the smooth, polished surface. (D)
I finally make an attempt to look at Otogi. Completely on accident I look right into his eyes. These two green laser beams of sorts crash into my mind and read every thought, every action, discovering the truth.
Well, I wish they were. I know this isn't so, Otogi told me. He doesn't know anything at all. He's just a damn good guesser. Ehem--a pretty good guesser. Still, at least he tries, I mean, not many do except maybe Kaiba.
But I'm not thinking about him now. No, I'm looking at Otogi, looking into his stupid eyes and trying to see if he knows anything.
"I don't know how to answer that, Otogi," I finally say quietly, if he even remembers the question
A brief look of concentration crosses his vision before I'm forced to look away. A slight light of understanding has shown and I can't watch that, even if it's followed by confusion and curiosity.
"Did you just leave school?" he asks randomly.
I shrug at this, "I guess."
I really didn't. But, I doubt I even went to my apartment. Maybe it was some kind of hallucination? Who knows. In a roundabout way, I'm not exactly lying.
"What's bothering you?" he asks.
I blink at this. I find the will somewhere to answer this slowly.
"Kaiba."
"What happened?"
I shake my head at him and scowl.
"Why did you have to do that, you and Yuugi? You've messed up everything!"
"Ryou, we've had this conversation."
I shake my head again at this to clear my thoughts of Kaiba. I shouldn't be acting this way in front of people--person--now. Really, I should not. I smile slightly and try to change my mood, trying to forget I'm sad or angry.
"Fine then. Let's talk about other things. Did you know I beat some kid in chess club today?" I ask brightly. "I mean, at chess. I didn't hit anyone."
For some reason Otogi sighs in annoyance. I don't get it. He should be glad at my improvement. I'm interacting with strangers.
"I'm going to watch some television, Otogi," I tell him dully, seeing he's not interested in my fake enthusiasm. "You can find me in other room."
I leave the room and quickly turn on the television. I focus my attention to the show that's on, causing minimal time to really think about why I'm so depressed and angry.
As you can see, there is nothing wrong with Ryou Bakura. He is not crazy, he's just watching television.
(You are a pathetic liar.)
"Ryou, Jounouchi was right, you have to do something about this problem."
I frown at Otogi. I don't know how this conversation started, but I wish it'd end sooner than later. I answer him again for the fiftieth time this minute.
"I don't have a problem, Otogi. I have no idea what you're referring to."
Otogi frowns terribly. I'm scared now. He's not happy with me for some reason.
"You know damn well what I'm talking about."
I shake my head and admonish his language quietly, praying he won't blow up or something by a vengeful god.
"Don't swear, Otogi. It makes me nervous."
Otogi stops glaring and calms down. Now he just looks sort of sad and a bit confused like he doesn't know what to do. I don't know what is so trying for him now. If he kicks me out and never talks to me again, then all will be okay and I will no longer upset him.
"Sorry," he apologizes sincerely.
He isn't happy and neither am I, I suppose. Well, he started it with those annoying questions. He gets himself worked up half the time without me saying anything.
I told him about Jounouchi yesterday and Seto Kaiba today after I beat the chess club kid. Otogi told me I like Kaiba and I shouldn't be such a baka. I contradicted him. I told him it didn't hurt me at all. He said of course it didn't; I wasn't letting myself feel it.
I'm not very happy with Ryuuji no baka. He makes me think about Kaiba, forces me to when I don't want it. He said I was being immature about everything and that I should stop trying to be so optimistic and grow up. Well, sorry, I'm not the one ruining my life, that's him and Yuugi.
Abd, yes, we were fighting over that. Yes, I'm mad at him. He was right the first time. He knows nothing. I wish Kaiba where here. Then, I could just have him convince me it is okay because he's so helplessly ignorant of everything even though he's the smartest person in the world. Of course, if I had Kaiba, Ryuuji and I wouldn't be having this little "chat" of ours.
"Ryou, you are hurting Kaiba and yourself, I hope you know."
"Well, you made things go that far, I hope you know," I snap annoyingly.
"Don't worry, Bakura. I'll help you."
"How?" I mutter. It looks hopeless.
Maybe because it is?
"I'll talk to Kaiba, I'll straighten everything out," he consoles me, only I don't feel at all relieved.
"Rest assured, that's the last thing I want you to do, Otogi. You've already said enough to him."
"Okay, I promise not to. I'll let you sort this all out then."
I nod, still unsure. I laugh a little at him. "Yeah, I'll do that then. I can tell Kaiba all about your lies."
Otogi rolls his eye at this. He doesn't look very happy.
"You should go home now, Ryou. Someone might think we're up to something."
I leave Otogi's alone, unhappy, and blaming Otogi for all of it. It takes forever to reach my apartment. If feels like the roads became longer and I won't make it before morning. But, I do. The clock tells me what felt like five hours was actually twenty minutes. Inside and alone I have no idea what to do. I head for the lobster because I can't be alone.
"Hello, how are you?" I ask it politely, no longer so mad now that Otogi is gone.
Well, this lobster can't do anything. He's the one I can trust out of everyone. At least he's not going to try and help me.
Notes:
A: I picked that up somewhere from some poem. Maybe a song though? I don't know past the fact I didn't make it up. I just memorized that and thought it'd be neat. My memory isn't too great.
B: I find that funny, trapping a queen in chess. Me (the genius) actually did that once because I didn't notice the other person had put their pieces down wrong (the king and queen were switched). If the queen were a king though, I would have won so badly.
C: As far as I care to look into it, Otogi is living in an apartment from now on. I don't care where he's supposed to live. That's not a concern of mine. Everyone lives in twenty minutes of each other unless their name is Kaiba Seto. Though you could say he lives at KaibaCorp, and then he does live within twenty minutes of everyone.
D: Flash backs of Dr. Phil there. The guy gives out extra tall and wide coffee cups.
E: Not in chapter I know, many of you may feel unappreciated, denied, and incomplete at the length of this chapter, but there was no way I could add the beginning of thirteen to the end of this. Sorry
Wow, that was short chapter.