Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh.
The pairings introduced right now:
Anzu/Yami no Yuugi
Jounouchi/Mai
The crushes introduced right now:
Ryou/Seto
Ryou/Lobster
Thanks to MarmaladeGirl for beta reading for me. I'm so glad I didn't confuse everything again.
I'd like to apologize for this chapter. I know it's horrible. I tried, that's all I can say. Next chapter might be kind of on the long side…. You can look forward to that I guess.
Chapter de Thirteenth: Caffeine
After a thorough examination of my actions and thoughts, I think I know why I have been acting so strange for the past few days.
I'm addicted to caffeine.
Oh sure, you all laugh now. Isn't that funny? You think: Ha, that guy's had too much coffee, but haven't we all? Well, no, not everyone feels how I do about my caffeine intake. I think it's a good thing I'm underage or who knows what else I'd be attaching myself too? I need to be awake now, energized. I don't want to have to think about anything. I just have to go out and walk, do things so I don't have to think too much or dream too much.
Do you know how long it's been since I've slept for longer than three hours?
I'm so glad the Domino police don't take curfew that seriously in this part of town. Or, well, they do. It's by the school, but as long as I say away from the school, I'm good.
I think it's interesting. I used to spend so much time inside, moping, and feeling sorry for everyone and myself. Now I rarely ever stay in my apartment except to maybe sleep, eat, bathe, or wash and change my clothes. That's really all it's good for. A pit-stop. There is nothing in the small set of rooms to vent my sudden energy rush into.
Yes, I do get tired; don't you think I can't. I get so tired all the time I couldn't think much even if I wanted to. My energy rush is what's just barely keeping me standing. My mind is pretty much dead while I'm walking briskly up and down the sidewalks at eleven fifty-five at night, waiting for my body to stop and let me rest.
But it won't. I can't stop. I think about the strangest, most incoherent things during my strolls. I think about everything and everybody except one.
This gets very hard. Kaiba Corporation's headquarters is the tallest building in all of Domino City. I keep seeing it and kicking myself for trying to think about the man who runs the place. This is difficult, so I run home and drink coffee and tea and both.
No, not mild green tea, mind you. This stuff is dark, dark brown, almost black. I drink it cold or hot, plain or with some kind of flavoring. I usually put coffee in it too. The smell of coffee kind of wakes you up before the caffeine's affect on your consciousness is activated. I've noticed this.
Right now my head is so terribly heavy and I want to collapse and sleep forever, but I can't. No matter how hard I try I cannot sleep. This self-invoked insomnia is aggravating my nerves, but at least I'm not worrying that much. I'm not worrying about anything.
I don't think Yuugi-tachi has noticed this yet. I make sure I'm plenty awake before school.
If they do notice, they are all very good at hiding their concern.
That or I can't see it anymore. Maybe they are worried and in my current mental state I can't realize this.
Too bad. They should know that being silent and not saying anything about the problem doesn't help me. Telling me what's wrong and what they think is the only way I can ever tell they may worry about me. I mean, that's what Otogi does and so unlike everyone else, I can talk to him. Except I'm avoiding him.
Seto, too, is like Otogi. Seto was a bit frank though. Still he didn't say things as confusing as Otogi does. He made more sense.
Sorry, Kaiba. I mean to say Kaiba.
Or do I? Who cares anymore? Nothing is going to happen. I chased him away, remember? I like to pretend I call him Seto sometimes. It's not the most amazing name. I found another person names Seto Kaiba in a phone book, only the spelling was a little different. I wondered if he was anything like the Seto Kaiba I know.
I shouldn't be thinking about this.
Oh look, a gingko leaf. I'm standing under a gingko tree. And that's all that should matter.
You know, those leaves look just like little fans--
"Good morning, Bakura!"
I'm shaken out of my musings quite suddenly and turn around to see Mokuba Kaiba. He's waving and motioning for me to approach.
I look around the park nervously. I had no idea there was a Kaiba here. Where there's smoke there's fire. Seto Kaiba has to be nearby, planning something. I should go. My afternoon traipse through the park has just been canceled, unfortunately.
"Hey, you can at least say hello!" Mokuba scowls and laughs at the same time, obviously not that frustrated. I realize somehow I have not moved and now he's right in front of me, grabbing my sleeve and dragging me towards the bench where he'd been sitting.
"Hello," I say sounding perfectly mystified. The Mokuba starts laughing at me.
"You are insane, Bakura."
I nod at this even though he isn't watching. He wants me to sit with him but his seat on the bench is taken.
No, not by Kaiba Seto. Anzu is there, actually, sitting straight and perky, waiting for someone. It's amazing. Mokuba wasn't gone that long, but here she is.
"Oh, hello Mokuba and Bakura!" she greets, standing up happily and coming over.
Wow, she moves fast. I'm getting dizzy watching her bounce around so exuberant. Well, no, she's not physically moving at all, but her happy, awake, personality is just so quick. I wish I had that kind of mental energy.
"Hi, Anzu, why are you here?" Mokuba asks while I stand silently.
"Oh, well I'm waiting for someone," she says mysteriously.
Five bucks says it's a Yami no Yuugi.
"Really? Wow, it seems like everyone's here today: you, Bakura, Yami, and me," Mokuba says. Apparently he doesn't find who Anzu is waiting for much of a mystery.
Yes, it's Visit The Park And Annoy Ryou Bakura Day. Didn't Mokuba know that? Everyone has to stop by here, find me, and torment my existence. The fact that I'm still breathing is just too much for those sadistic freaks.
"Cool! That's awesome, Mokuba," Anzu agrees, thrilled.
"Yeah, too bad Seto was busy," Mokuba adds. I glare at him slightly.
"Oh, aren't him and you going out, Bakura?" Anzu asks.
"What?" I choke slightly. I think Mokuba's laughing at me.
How many people think I'm with Seto Kaiba right now? Please, for the record, I am not with anyone at all. I don't want to be with anyone anyway. That doesn't matter to me. To be in a relationship does not help anything at all. Everyone seems to think it does, but they are wrong.
Yes, I have cynical outlook on relationships now. So, the point, please?
"Oops, do you not want me to tell anyone?" she asks.
I shake my head, "What are you going to tell? We--we really aren't together, Anzu."
Realization dawns on the girl's face like a gigantic light. It's slow, like a sunrise--the sun of knowledge and gossip topics: the god to so many (mostly females) I know.
"Oh, no! I didn't know. Sorry, Ryou," she apologizes. I'm reminded of Yuugi almost.
"Bakura," I correct.
"I mean Bakura, sorry."
I nod at this and look at the path behind Anzu. It's long and shady. I wish I could walk down it alone right now, without anyone bothering me. I wish this park were mine and no one else could intrude on my peace.
I make way too many wishes, and I never do anything about them.
I guess everything's impossible.
Suddenly, someone's cell phone rings and distracts me. Both Anzu and Mokuba reach in their pockets. I feel a bit left out. It must be nice. Ryou doesn't have a cell phone. Instead, I wait, feeling a bit awkward.
"It's mine," Anzu announces, pressing some random button and putting the phone to her ear before we can congratulate her or something. Mokuba quickly pockets his own. We stand and wait for Anzu to start talking away to the person on the other line.
"Hold on a sec," she chirps before turning to us.
Why is Anzu looking so…frustrated? She's glaring at Mokuba and me, severely annoyed.
"Sorry, can I have some privacy for this?" she asks a bit angrily, ordering us to leave.
Well, we were here first, but clear Anzu has a problem about transferring her anger.
"Whatever," Mokuba sighs, walking away, "Come on, Bakura."
I follow him like some kind of obedient puppy down the path I have been eyeing. I'm not walking alone; I'm trailing behind Mokuba. It reminds me of Kaiba and I will be forgetting that right now.
Except, it's hard to banish Kaiba from your thoughts when you're with his little brother.
"Bakura?" Mokuba turns around to face me once we are far away from Anzu.
"Yes?"
"What are you doing to my brother?"
I blink at this in confusion, "Nothing, why?"
Mokuba frowns and shakes his head. He looks remarkably more like his older brother when he does that. I usually doubt they're related a lot of the time. Now it's noticeable. I'm going to try not to look into his eyes; they are blue like Kaiba's.
"Yes, you are doing something. He's upset now and it's your fault."
I don't know what to say. I know I'm curious about what Kaiba has been doing. I didn't think he was upset. In fact, I was pretty sure he didn't care. Kaiba's really good at getting over stuff.
"Why'd you have to be so mean to him? What did he do wrong?"
I sigh at this and shake my head regretfully. A part of me says Mokuba was coached to say this whenever he saw me. Kaiba must have a diabolical plan. Like a chump, I would fall for it except I now better. I give Mokuba the exact same answer I gave his brother.
"You don't understand, the whole Yuugi thing, I can't trust your brother at all."
Mokuba watches, looking a bit offended.
"What if that was just a ploy to get your attention, Bakura?" he snaps at me. His little voice is such that I can't take him seriously.
"Well, it was badly preformed then," I tell him.
Mokuba just shakes his head like I'm hopeless. Well, I guess I am, but I already know that.
"Do you have any other reason to not agree with Seto?" he asks.
I think about this. Well, no-one's ever asked me that. "Uh…."
"See, why let such a small thing get in the way?" Mokuba asks with a small look of triumph on his face. I try to figure out the reason and end up trailing pathetically.
"I'm…I'm not comfortable."
"Huh?"
"Well, no, you wouldn't understand," I say, watching the rest of the path. I want to be alone right now, walking and thinking. I don't need to be talking with Mokuba Kaiba.
"What makes you think that, Bakura?" Mokuba pouts and tries to be adorable.
"Because…" My voice drowns itself again before resurfacing, "I don't really understand it myself."
"Then forget about it," Mokuba advises with his blunt, optimistic logic. I tend to take the term 'forget about it' a bit too far sometimes. He shouldn't suggest that.
"I can't."
"Why?"
I don't know what to say in reply. Finally I recall what Kaiba said over a week ago and answer along the same lines, "I'm afraid."
"Of what?"
"Everything. I don't know," I mutter quietly while Mokuba studies my answer. He throws my words against me with uncanny accuracy. Apparently he learns many things from his brother.
"But you do know you can make Seto happy. Make him stop being so angry and all."
I'm in doubt. I'm always in doubt because nothing ever lasts.
"How do you know?" I ask. Mokuba shrugs.
"I have no idea. Maybe I know his brother or something?"
I frown at this answer, "That isn't funny."
"Cool!" he exclaims sarcastically.
"You're really starting to annoy me, Mokuba," I say quickly. He smiles before say something that almost sounds a bit serious.
"Seto's really starting to bother me, Bakura."
I scowl ungracefully at this announcement.
"Well…" I begin. Like usual in these situations, I cannot end my sentence. Argh, why can't I tell Mokuba about Otogi and Yuugi? Something about me won't.
"Well…what?" Mokuba smarts again. He's got to stop doing that.
I decide I'm going to tell him now. I'm going to tell him all about Yuugi and Ryuuji, and everything.
"Okay, what you don't understand, what you don't see, Mokuba, is your brother doesn't love me. No, not really. He only thinks he does because some idiots I know convinced him he did. He'll get over it once he sees how pathetic their suggestions were."
Mokuba takes this calmly. I fact, he looks completely unaffected.
"You're wrong," he informs me like I just told him one plus one was fifteen.
"What you don't understand, what you don't see, Bakura, is my brother does have a thing for you. Yes, really. He only thinks he doesn't because some idiot I'm talking to told him to back off. He'll get over it if that idiot apologizes and tells him how stupid they were."
My face twists into some ugly expression as I glare at Mokuba. Is this how he employs his memory, into parroting my sentence structures back at myself?
"No, Yuugi and Otogi convinced Seto of all that nonsense."
"You're forgetting something," Mokuba smirks at me, "Seto had this all planned out, considerably, before your idiot friends said two words to him."
I blink at a moment. I do remember what Kaiba said about that.
Then maybe Yuugi and Otogi were keeping him to his convictions? Maybe this little plan of his was kept alive by their reassurances after I kept messing everything up? Over and over as my nature dictates?
This is getting way too confusing for me, thank you. I control nothing about my life at all. If I accept this idea, then I admit to the guilt of my actions, and guilt hurts.
What can I do?
"You see?" he asks.
I shrug and walk around Mokuba quickly. I'm leaving now, excuse me.
"I really can't help you, goodbye."
"Bakura!"
I keep walking, not looking back. Mokuba runs after me and stands in the way, not letting me pass.
"I have to say one more thing before you go," he tells me. I stop.
"Wha--owe!"
Mokuba just kicked me in the shin and is now running away. I can't go after him, my leg almost gives out. In fact, maybe it hurts a little too much.
What's that kid have, metal soles?
The spot where he kicked me is throbbing painfully. It's probably going to bruise.
Why'd he have to kick so hard?
I hobble over to a bench and sit down to nurse my injury. It hurts so badly for some reason. I think he has rocks in his shoe or something. That kick had to be loaded.
What does that kid think he's going to prove to me by inflicting pain? He knows nothing about everything. Mokuba's like what, ten? How does a ten-year-old boy know the way his brother's love life is going? That's not right.
You see, when I was growing up with my mother, children where seen and not heard, just mini parents-in-waiting, a symbol of your domestic tranquility or lack thereof. I wish someone had taught this philosophy to Mokuba that so he wouldn't try to hold all these intelligent conversations concerning his older brother. I know Mokuba probably has a good idea what he's talking about, but I, Ryou Bakura, cannot think that much.
I remember Kaiba saying Mokuba was a good actor. Ha. So I can't believe him then. How do I know he's not lying and trying to trick me into the false belief that Seto cares?
I can hear another cell phone ringing Beethoven's Ninth.
Why does everyone have one of those but me? They're everywhere except my pocket.
I wish I could call someone, anyone, right now. I just don't know who though.
I can't call Seto because he'd probably block me. I know it. The only number I have even halfway memorized is Otogi's because it used to be important. But, it's not vital knowledge anymore. Caffeine keeps me talking fast and unfocused on my problems. Then, I don't have to talk about them to Otogi, Yuugi, or anyone.
My head hurts so badly right now. Do you know the feeling? It's like there's this blacksmith using my abnormally thick skull as an anvil and is trying to hammer something into shape. This makes no sense. It's painful but somehow I'm very, very, very tired and cold fall asleep through it. I want to close my eyes and sleep forever without dreams or anything, just a pleasant darkness.
I open my eyes quickly. I almost fell asleep on a park bench. That isn't good. I'm surprised I wasn't arrested the last time I did that. I guess Otogi bribed the police.
Otogi: Yeah, see that kid sleeping there, let him.
Officer: Why sir, it's against the law.
Otogi: Sorry, I have to be here to tell him horrible things we know about his life. Here's five hundred yen, go buy a donut or something.
Officer: Goodbye.
Yeah, you know he probably did? That sounds like Otogi, right down to the donut insult.
I shake my head and stand up. My leg can carry me, but I feel the obvious bruise. I still don't know why it was necessary to cause me pain. I haven't hurt Mokuba.
He said I hurt Kaiba though.
Of course, Mokuba is a liar….
I win again. I can't believe it. This video game is getting easy. If I stand by the blue horse before the carrousel starts moving, I land in the winning area.
I've noticed this after over an hour of playing. I've won twice, but I haven't gotten any places past seventh.
Well, I didn't. Up till now.
I can't believe it, I finally made second placing slot. Now I just need to go for first.
I wouldn't be surprised if Kaiba suddenly just showed up behind me. I almost want him to.
Maybe that is why I cannot stop playing? My mind might be having some inconspicuous fantasy about this place, by this game, and I cannot leave till:
a) It's proved wrong
Or,
b) It suddenly reveals I have psychic powers and laughs as Seto appears.
Yeah, I'll go with answer a.
Bob: Answer a? Correct, Betsy, show him what he's won!
Betsy: Bob, Bakura has won…absolutely nothing!
Uh, yeah….
"Bakura?"
"No!" I yelp, startled out of my thoughts at this voice and jumping onto the video game screen for the second time in my life. My thick head makes a dull clunk sound.
"Huh?"
I turn around and blush again, ashamed I was caught here, playing this game. I can't help but think it's painfully obvious why I'm here. "Otogi, shouldn't you be at work or something?"
Otogi smirks and shakes his head.
"Sorry, it's been diagnosed; I'm an ATW."
I furrow my brow in confusion at this, "ATW?"
"Allergic To Work. It's extremely rare."
"Really?" I ask, not too amused.
"Yeah, and I think you have contracted it too. How long has it been since you've done anything productive, Ryou?"
I sigh and turn back to the video game to sprain my wrists and wear my thumbs away. I drop money inside and start maneuvering the avatar. Otogi still hasn't left.
"You know what?" he asks. I ignore him successfully and dodge a dragon character to grab a few coins.
"I was thinking of you earlier today when I was talking with one of our mutual friends. I remembered my little promise a while back and didn't try to assault anyone…much."
I know what he's saying and it's awfully annoying. I'm nervous, too. I don't know what Otogi's done. Maybe him and Kaiba have made a deal to get me in some kind of hospital. I wouldn't put it past them.
And he promised not to talk to Kaiba.
Note to self: Never trust Ryuuji Otogi.
"What did you say to Kaiba?" I cave and ask.
"Nothing I haven't said before. He wasn't that angry this time, but I still got evicted from the mansion. I think he's going to show the guards my picture and make sure I never stop by again for any more chats, or so to speak."
I frown at this and almost lose concentration on the game. I know Otogi's not going to give me any details. I don't know why he's bothered to tell me these things.
I'm not messed up, Otogi is. He does stupid things just to mock me. Who is like that?
"What?" I ask self-consciously, as Otogi is watches the screen. He knows this is getting in the way of my game play.
"Nothing," he says innocently as the avatar lands in a pit of stalagmites when my attention detours from the progression of the path.
"Okay, that's strange, Bakura."
"What?" I ask, watching "Game Over" flash across the screen.
"That little avatar doesn't stop smiling, even when he dies," he awes at the screen. I look towards the point of interest and see that yes, the face still has that stupid grin even though it's dead.
"It's kind of sick," I mutter. I don't like to have the character die.
"It's creepy, in a morbid way."
I nod my head and smirk. Actually it's almost funny. The avatar never knows if you're going to kill it or not, so it just keeps smiling. I wonder how the avatar felt, seeing that my lax in control was leading it right over a ledge. Would it have been able to stop itself if I had warned it, predicted it's future, or would that only give it a burden of knowing what would happen, that there would be nothing the guy could do about it?
Maybe the all that matters is he can do nothing. He is a mindless avatar and made of nothing but tinted light.
In the end, I can only think so highly of that character that is somewhat analogous to my own. The same thing might as well account for me. If for some reason some outside force is controlling my life, maybe there's nothing I can do except hope they don't have a friend like Otogi to distract them.
Of course, again, if there is some divine power (to sound tragically cliché), I haven't ever bothered with it in my mind. In contrast to the emotions I block out in my own realities, my outside focus is doing very well. I mean outside as in outdoors not people. Nature doesn't try to mess up your personal life like other people.
Well, forget that. There's the lobster in my bathtub. That's just creepy.
And that avatar is creepy too.
My hand is still reaching in my pocket for another coin to drop in. I have to keep this going, I can't stop now or it won't be right, not until I get first place.
My fingers grasp the cold metal and begin to draw it out, but someone has my wrist.
"Drop it, Bakura."
I release the coin in Otogi's hard grip. He's stronger than me; I highly doubt I could fight him off.
And it's just a small bit of money, no reason to start a war over it, right?
But how will I pay the game again?
I try to reach down and grab the coin, but Otogi pulls my hand out of my pocket and holds it in front of me, far from my pocket. He looks very angry for some reason and I'm terrified.
Now, if I really wanted the money, I could just reach across with my other hand and make a quick reach for it, but I can't. Otogi has one free hand as well and I don't want to be completely helpless and pinned.
I know, I think fast, don't I?
Believe me, it's the caffeine that hasn't worn off in my brain.
Of course, maybe I do want to be pinned. Maybe I want to be hurt? I already do that to myself mentally, don't I? Maybe I want to be killed. Then no one can point fingers and screech 'Incompetent!' in their condemning voices.
"Otogi…?" I ask nervously. I'm genuinely afraid.
"You're not going to be here all day playing this pathetic video game, Ryou," he scowls as me.
You know what, his grip is getting very tight now. My hand is above my heart, the blood is flowing mostly down, and circulation is being rudely cut off. My arm pulls back reflexively at this restraint, but Otogi is freakishly strong.
Or, well, I could be freakishly weak.
"Otogi, please," I wishper, twisting my hand again and looking around to see if anyone is watching.
To my surprise, Otogi snaps out of it. He stop glaring and looking totally ready to kill me.
Best of all, he lets go.
As soon as this manacle is gone, I jump back a few feet just to be safe.
"I'm sorry," Otogi apologizes.
Much to my amazement, I'm not running away, screaming and hiding. Maybe I'm just cutting him some slack. I go weird and creepy on Otogi all the time.
"What was that, Ryuuji?" I ask, "What was that?"
Otogi frowns at this, "I just don't think you should be in here all day. It's not good for you."
"Where else do I go?" I come back. This is actually good compared to my other lame snaps and their pseudo-intelligent irony.
"I dunno, sleep? You look dead," he informs me.
Otogi's always first with the compliments, isn't he?
"I'm not tired," I half-lie. Yes, I am tired, but not enough to collapse or anything.
"Then we're going to go find Yuugi-tachi, you need company," he decides.
I shake me head but Otogi points at the door.
"Come on," he orders.
I follow him to the door, ready to grab a pen and stab it in the back of his neck.
The last thing I need is a group of people boring me to death. People who sit in one place when I want to wander. People who don't even notice I'm gone half the time.
I think it's safe to say I'll never forgive Otogi for dragging me halfway across Domino for two hours trying to find Yuugi-tachi. I was stuck with the group all the rest of the day and now that it's getting dark out, I'm going to end up spending most of the night at the Motou's game shop.
It's not too terrible. No one is really paying that much attention to me. I'm watching all of them nicely. It's interesting and gives me something to do. It's not as interesting as all those other exciting things I've been doing alone for the past week, but I have to remain optimistic.
Well, at least I can bask in the collected happiness and normalcy. Yes, Yami no Yuugi and Anzu seem to be hitting it off. I don't know what they find to talk about, but they never seem to stop very long. Everyone's primary focus though, is Jounouchi. He's inconspicuously making fun of Honda.
Honda apparently deserves this as he is trying to impress Shizuka in the most bizarre fashions. He's eating funny, saying loads of nonsense, and bragging so much you'd wonder if he were second to nothing in everything.
He must really like Shizuka.
I'm so glad Kaiba didn't act so silly around me. I don't know, that just freaks me out. It's like Honda had lost all control over his actions. He's forgetting the fact he looks like a complete idiot, acting like the people he makes fun of on television shows. But, surprisingly, this fails to bother Shizuka at all. I don't get it.
Maybe Kaiba should have acted like an idiot. Of course, then I would just think he was insane, not in love. Really, who wouldn't? Kaiba would be terrfying acting as awkward as Honda is. You'd think he was on something.
But then, I guess Kaiba was kind of messing up, kind of dwelling in his own level of idiocy. I've seen his façade or whatever he's wrought, slip on several occasions. That for him is something extremely foolish and against the magisterial dogma he has set up for a life in business. I should have been immediately suspicious of him when I saw the first hint of humanity.
So yes, Kaiba was sort of suffering trips and nerves in his own way. I was also, but I always am, so lets not broadcast that too much now. I think everyone understands there's an insanity factor on my side always.
But Kaiba, there was a difference in him before and him when the whole Yuugi fiasco started. I dunno, maybe he was more…human, more real. Again, he was slipping and it should've tipped me off. It was like he was there and he could makes mistakes (as was proven quite hideously in my mind). He hit a level of mortality I could see, and I should not have seen it. I should have remembered that.
"So then I asked this punk if he had some kind of problem and he's like 'no, no way man, I'm gone' so, I'm like 'yeah, you better run or I'm going to come up so fast as you can't see and kick your—' "
"Honda, please watch your language in front of my sister."
"Sorry, Jounouchi, just telling it like it is. The world's can be an ugly place."
"Well, downplay the profanity, please."
"No problem. --Hey, are you having any fun Bakura?"
I look up finally as this riveting conversational stream is channeled to me. I smile nicely and nod, hoping this isn't going to inspire another chapter that is the Hiroto Honda Legacy Series playing for free every time the narcissist opens his mouth. The only one whom it refuses to annoy is the only one it's really directed to, Shizuka Jounouchi. She is like some kind of goddess whereas nothing can ever perturb her, never ever.
"Well, don't just stand over there in the corner. You're not a wall ornament, you can move around."
I blush and walk over, apologizing.
"Sorry, Honda."
"Then you are forgiven. I absolve you of all your inadequate social skills. Go now, and speak to other people!"
I blush again and stare into my drink, suddenly very fascinated with the bubbles inside. They are like tiny, iridescent Czechoslovakian beads. Too bad they're the only things that make the drink enjoyable. No one really likes flat soda that much.
As quickly as Honda took notice of me, I am forgotten. I watch the others chatting while I stand amid their voices, not really in a conversation with anything.
"I'm going to go get some more cakes," I excuse if anyone's listening. I exit the room and enter the kitchen without hindrance.
"Hey, the duel is on!" Yuugi cheers, turning up the TV volume. I turn and look out at everyone while they unanimously face the screen.
I'd laugh if it wouldn't break the mood. Their expressions are instantly so listless, so distant from everything. That is the power of the broadcast: they are each helplessly transfixed. Less than six seconds ago they were alive and discussing so many impersonal issues with complete concentration. Now they stare at the television appearing almost stoned, like zombies, dead and cold. They are suddenly frozen over and it's insane.
Yuugi gets up once like some living statue. He hurries to the light switch and flips it off in under five nanoseconds. It's amazing almost. He sits down, taking in more of the TV's hypnotic waves, watching the people on the set with a dreamy, yet absorbent intenseness. He's holding out for something. He's waiting to correct the announcer, waiting to sigh at the commercial intermission, waiting for so many different things one does watching television and ending up eventually sleeping or dead from the brain failing to connect all the flashing light and movement, giving up at last after years of practice.
You could die watching too much television.
Well, not unless you are accustom to it. Nowadays we're all so well trained for these things that no one dies but the mentally impaired who can get helplessly lost in the bright color and over smiling faces going by so quickly.
This is not including me. I hardly watch much past newscasts when I have nothing better to do. I just find television boring for most shows.
I'm not at all interested in this duel everyone is watching right now. I quietly slip into the dark kitchen and look down at the cupcakes on the counter. There are vanilla and chocolate flavor. Both are devilishly delicious, but my highest preference is for the chocolate ones with white icing. I grab one plump little cake and look down at it. I can smell the sweetness. I can almost taste it in my mouth, on the tip of my tongue. If I had to eat one thing for the rest of my life, I might just rashly choose chocolate.
I suppose many others would too.
I can't eat the cake though. This is actually quite strange as I've only had two and that's nowhere near gluttonous. In fact, that's a lot less than everyone else here.
I recognize this feeling though and I'm attempting to repress it again. I'm feeling the same horrible sinking in my chest for no reason whatsoever. My stomach is turning and threatening to fall out of reality. It isn't pleasant at all. I have to put the cake down and lean against the counter quietly.
I don't get it anymore. I suppose how much I love the food is reminding me how much I love something else. The TV hates me and I know it. I walk halfway in to the room again and on the screen is the Kaiba Corp logo for whatever the duelists are using to battle with. I want to turn it off, but everyone is watching. It doesn't remind them of anything particularly shameful. My guilt is trying to get me again and I'm afraid it's succeeding.
I try to go further into the room, but I don't really want anyone to notice my obsessive panic. It doesn't matter, the closer I get to the group, the more alone and awkward I feel. Because, even though I wish Yuugi-tachi won't see me, they can't always defy my thought and notice anyway.
I frown and feel a terrible sadness at this. I know there's no reason, but I can't help it. I can imagine someone holding me and making me feel better, but that usually won't help anyone one the verge of tears. You could think about your mother or your friend or your partner, but that always makes it worse.
I don't know why, but I think I'm snapping. Otogi told me I would eventually and I ignored him. He was right, I'm always wrong, and now I get to suffer.
This is just great….
I glare at Yuugi-tachi for not noticing me, not realizing the dilemma behind them. I turn and rush to the kitchen, just wanting to get away from their inability to read a mind in chaos, breaking apart right in the next room. I know this is vain and more than a little stupid of me, but still. If they want to "help" so badly, they should pay attention.
Right this minute I feel ready to throw up. I don't see why I cannot send this feeling of failure away again. I've become so very good at that and now it has no affect. I'm starting to realize things that hurt and I really, really don't want to.
"Everyone is happy but Ryou" is a strong idea running through my mind, crying, as it pities itself and what I've seen. It's telling me everyone has his or her own match or his or her own area of comfortable aloneness and I do not. It tells me I need something; someone, and I went and got rid of my last chance. Being gay and finding a person where there is a mutual attraction might as well not happen again since I don't seem to like these things being so positive for once. Finding anyone mutually attracted to me might as well never happen again, even if the attraction is contrived on false premises.
I wonder how exactly a broken heart is suppose to feel. I'm afraid I'll die or something if this falling sensation in my chest doesn't begin to let up. It's painful and I hate it greatly.
(Stop it! There's nothing wrong, fool.)
I'm not feeling good at all.
(Eat something. Stop making this an issue, it's nothing and you know it.)
I frown and look at the cakes. I couldn't eat even if I were starving. I'd choke on the dryness.
Kisses would be wet though. Very nice. Maybe nicer if I responded to them instead of freaking out.
(Idiot.)
I shake my head and look at my drink sitting forlorn on the counter. A sip could wet my mouth easily but I'll drown. I can hardly breathe now as I'm panicking over something.
This is terrible. Pathetic. I'm terrible. Pathetic. Why can't I just forget everything like always? What's wrong with me right now that is messing with everything I'm trying not to think about? I'm angry with myself for this. I'm failing horribly. I can't push it away like before. I cannot disconnect from the frustrating emotions brought on by that stupid TV and cake.
I can hear the others. Honda is laughing about something and it's very loud, very disrupting. I'm almost bolted back into my proper sense, but instead I'm just overly tired. I haven't had any caffeinated beverages in nearly three hours so now my head and my body are both equally worn out. This is probably why I cannot repress everything. Staying with Otogi all day and the arcade before then hasn't allowed me time for any coffee or anything. The former effects are wearing away and I'm losing it. I'm ready to collapse.
"Ryou, are you all right?"
I look down at Yuugi lazily as he has come in for more food. I'm leaning wearily against the counter and must look ill.
"Sorry, Yuugi, I'm just really sleepy," I mutter, yawning, "I really have to go before drop off."
Yuugi nods at this sympathetically, "Yeah, it is late. I guess you're not used to it. Sorry."
I stand up and head for the door while everyone in front of the TV cheers loudly and Jounouchi roars about how didn't he call that, did he not call that, did he totally not call that or what? And Honda echoing, oh yes you did, you totally did, yeah. It's kinda funny.
"Bye," Yuugi says, hurrying to the other room again to catch up with the action of the match. I head Jounouchi telling him about what he missed, and, again, how he totally called it, didn't Yuugi hear that? I leave before Yuugi comes back, genuinely worried about me.
I just barely can make it home and up the stairs to my apartment. I want to just close my eyes and not open them halfway through the door. I don't bother to change my clothes or anything as I drag myself to my room and fall into the bed.
Surprisingly, I cannot drift off at all. I glare at the clock for a few minutes.
A few hours later, I'm dead asleep.
(Ha, felt like making this longer! I have nowhere to put this bit anyway.)
The school cafeteria is hell. They serve you food upperclassmen have rejected or half eaten the day before. I know it. The women behind the scenes of this questionably edible freak show take everything from yesterday, grind it all together, add some color to signify attempts to look like different foods. Then they serve the lot in little boxes with two toothpicks they'd really like us to call chopsticks but know damn well are not.
But I'm not really thinking about that, no. I'm not making any attempt to eat today's blend.
Actually, my mind has run off elsewhere, forgetting any want of substance. I don't need food, I need solitude to capture and memorize every second of what has happened so I can replay it all in my mind and try to form the barest semblance of hope from the slightest pupil dilation.
Well, not that extreme, but close enough.
See, I did something this morning I should be embarrassed of and worrying over, but I'm not.
This morning I bumped into Seto Kaiba, no, really slammed into him.
Yes, I can hear you laughing. Please stop.
Usually such a thing is not a big deal, but for one detail. This is one thing that did not fail to bypass my attention and mental record.
Kaiba was flustered. No, really. His face was almost pale pink and that's a lot for him. I could tell it wasn't so anger either. Just sheer, 'oh no, this is Bakura'-ness discomfort. I couldn't believe it, I had to look him in the eyes and it was as close to being spelled out as he'd ever let such a thing be.
Naturally, I blushed and looked at his mouth while he hesitated. I waited for him to just turn and keep going, but he stopped, as if on the verge of saying something. I hung onto the expression till there was a strange sound, like a choke or….
…Or a stutter.
I looked over him again to make exactly sure it was Seto Kaiba before choosing whether to panic or not.
I didn't have time to decide as the bell rang and sent me flying halfheartedly to class across the building.
Now I'm a bit hopeful. I don't know, it's been forever since I've said two words to Kaiba. He might have been gasping in shock and outrage.
Of course, I didn't read any shock or outrage.
I have been thinking I'm dreaming imagining things, but if I keep pinching my arm, it's going to bruise.
"Bakura, are you gonna eat that?"
I blink and look across the table to Jounouchi who's watching my lunch box ravenously.
It's really kind of… creepy, the way his eyes have that almost glazed longing, so desiring. It's a look you don't watch people with and I'm relieve it's directed at the food. If someone looked me like that, I'd freak.
"Here, I wasn't going to--" I permit, pushing my food across the table, and being cut off by Anzu.
"Bakura!"
"What?" I ask innocently while Jounouchi groans.
"You shouldn't be giving your food away like that. You have to eat too."
My brow furrows in confusion while I'm slowly pulling my lunch back.
"I'm not hungry," I tell her, opening the container.
"So, you shouldn't give away your food. I haven't seen you keep your lunch and eat it in forever."
"She's got a point, Bakura," Yuugi agrees.
"Yeah, I guess," Jounouchi sides as well.
I watch helplessly as they all take ranks against me. I cave and grab my chopsticks, looking down at the meal, fake, but so wonderfully arranged.
Once everyone is back into their own conversations, I begin the task of reforming the masses so it seems I've consumed some portion. Anzu notices this for some strange reason.
"Okay, if you're going to put up such a resistance, I'm going to sit here and watch every mouthful till lunch is over."
My eyes widen in disbelief. She isn't serious, is she?
"Go ahead, eat. I have until the bell rings," she informs me curtly, making herself comfortable.
"I'm really not hungry," I plea, "I'll throw up."
Anzu smirks at this, "You don't really think I'll believe that?"
"Bakura, it's just food," Jounouchi encourages slightly, not really helping at all.
I give and grab some of the food in my chopsticks, slowly raising it to my mouth. To please them I chew it and swallow, not really relishing the flavor or anything positive. I'm making sure they realize just how slightly annoyed I am as I repeat the motion with no expression.
Anzu nods approvingly while my emotionless outlook is continued.
In a short while, the meal is almost halfway gone.
"There, you're not ill, now are you? You can stop eating now, but I don't see why you'd want—argh!"
Anzu frowns at me. The second she said that, "you can stop eating," I dropped my chopsticks, closed my lunch, and pushed it to Jounouchi who began to feast.
"You two disgust me," she growls.
"No we don't," Jounouchi defends with a highly attractive strand of dripping noodle dangling from his mouth.
"I'm not that hungry," I remind her.
Anzu is sore at me for the rest of lunch. I don't mind too much, it's fairly her fault. Jounouchi supported me anyway, but he just wanted the food in the end. Once the bell rings, I'm the quickest to leave. I enter to an empty hall before anyone just in time to see Kaiba again.
This morning flashes by quickly in my mind's eye, but I don't need it recalled to know why I'm suddenly very nervous.
To my complete shock and horror, Kaiba is walking towards me. My mind faithfully goes blank and leaves me stranded in the growing sea of students filing about.
Finally, nature overcomes mental commands and I feel ready to become sick because I've eaten more than my stomach has been trained to hold. Rudely I run to the restroom.
I think the look on Kaiba's face becomes slightly disappointed before I'm too far gone to see. He also looks irritated. It's more like him to be irritated at the same time as disappointed. They are nearly the same thing for him.
In the restroom, I try not to become sick. Kaiba's in my next class and I don't want to alarm Mrs. Teacher Lady who I have for the rest of the day. She tends to take things further out of proportion than I do and that's saying a lot.
(You're so pathetic. I can't believe you can't hold food. Even your stomach is weak.)
I glare at my reflection and try to calm down. I need to make myself rational. After what Mokuba told me about Kaiba (well, reminded me), I don't think I'll find it very easy to be actually comfortable around him till something happens, till some kind of closure is attained.
The tardy bell has already rung as I exit the restroom and make my way slowly to class. I'm already late, there's really no reason to break out into a guilty run.
I knock on the classroom door and the teacher opens it, observing me with a scowl.
"Decided to join us, Bakura?"
I nod quietly as the entire class is watching me. I enter and sit down, taking out my textbooks and following up with everyone else.
"Now, as I was saying…" the teacher continues.
I listen faintly. I'm underwater and she's above so it's very hard to discern any reasonable words. There's this droning noise that is trying, with a non-applauded effort to make sense but simply isn't.
I don't care. I'm a bundle of nerves. I know Kaiba is somewhere behind me, he probably watched me come in.
This is suddenly bothering me.
I don't want to get up. I'm not even tired right now, but if I try to move everything will become difficult. I could be outside right now and not alone. I know this but it's impossible to do anything.
Out there I'd just be alone in a group anyway, which doesn't feel too great. I can picture Kaiba joining us and mess with that idea. I know it will not happen, but my imagination hasn't realized that.
My imagination needs a reality check.
But then, everything it comes up with is, well, imaginary. The only thing there is a false truth, a play-acted life to what I'd want to be happening but isn't. I tell myself to not pay attention to the fantasy in my head. The world isn't very reliable there. I do not predict the future, no; I make a new future for myself till I'm too confused to stand out of bed.
Like right now.
I wish Otogi would come over.
I don't want anyone here though.
My anxiety is going to kill me. I'm nervous for some reason now and I can't do anything at all. I'm just sprawled across my bed watching the ceiling for all the good it does me. There's nothing but what's in my head and that is too much to get into right now.
In my failing sense of reality I can hear the lobster splashing from the bathroom. I wonder if he can stand all day by himself? I wonder what he does to pass the time. Maybe he hates me, thinks of me as his insane captor who almost ended his life in my carelessness. I don't know, but it could be so. I have no idea.
Wait, did the lobster just stop swimming? Is that faint sound through the wall of water draining away?
I panic, jump from the bed and run to the bathroom. I throw open the door and rush to the tub, looking in nervously.
No, nothing's wrong. The lobster sends a few bubbles up at my presence. I watch him silently somewhat relieved over the fact he's not in danger.
I know I cannot keep this lobster forever. I'm afraid he'll kill himself from loneliness if my treatment doesn't first. I lock him in a tub for hours and leave. I yell at him for swimming. I'm so unpleasant to this poor animal.
"Sorry," I apologize for everything. The lobster ignores me and swims again. I try to think of something interesting. All I can talk about is what has been on my mind for the past few hours.
"I bumped into Seto," I tell the lobster before it reaches the other side of the tub away from me. The lobster turns around and comes back.
"Yeah, and I think he was going to say something too, but the bell rang."
The lobsters sends up a few bubbles, like he's scoffing 'eh, figures'. Still, I don't know a hundred-percent if he's acknowledging me or merely breathing.
"Then I saw him after lunch. I panicked though; I ran."
The lobster clamps his claw at this and I frown, "It's not my fault, I was going to be sick. I ate too much."
I think the lobster is lifting its claw in disbelief. I don't care if so or not, I just need to talk to something and the lobster will do nicely.
"Hey, it's not that I was glutting myself, okay? Anzu and the guys were being terrible to me. Tyrannical Anzu wanted me to eat and she got everyone on her side."
I bet if the lobster could he'd be rolling his eyes at me. I sigh. "Yes, I have no will of my own."
My lobster seems to agree with this. I find the agreement unbearably annoying. I push away the faint awarness that talking to a lobster is stupid and crazy and continue.
"So, do you think Seto still cares?" I ask, almost nervously. I haven't asked anyone this question because I don't want to see their answers to it. They will all be positive and think I'm only asking for reassurance that yes, he does. I find even asking a lobster, which hardly knows Seto, intimidates me.
There is a loud splash as the lobsters gets water on me with a strong flick of his tail fin. I jump back, spitting the liquid from my mouth.
"That's disgusting," I scowl, "Fine, I don't want your answer!"
I exit the bathroom and close the door. I hear the lobster splashing about, mocking me and the fool I've proven I am. I grab a towel from the linen closet and attempt to dry my wet hair.
I don't know if that drenching was a no, a yes, or something else all together.
Note(s):
A:not any in chapter
None of you better think I consider Kaiba sane. Everyone's deficient somewhere. Here's what makes Kaiba stand out a bit though.
You know what, Kaiba hallucinates vividly when he's depressed. Yeah, you can't be all that sane when you see your younger self running around, telling you you're a failure, and leading you around Pegasus's castle once it's decided you aren't that much of a dunce because Yuugi was able to save the day…again. I've only seen Kaiba crying once (or near to it I suppose) and it was over Mokuba in Peggy's castle.