"The sum of things to be known is inexhaustible, and however long we read, we shall never come to the end of our story-book." - A.E. Houseman (Introductory Lecture of 1892)
London - Summer 1938
The summer of 1938, much like the years before it, brought the Grantham family and their staff to London for the social season. While Robert had no quarrel with his eldest daughter's husband, it had become more than apparent as George came of age that Henry Talbot was ill-equipped to guide a boy who was destined to become the eighth Earl of Grantham through the finer points of the expectations of him in noble London society. Despite objections from Mary, who was more than confident in her own abilities to manage her son's training in etiquette and deportment, Lord Grantham had insisted on spending as many seasons as he had left in London to teach his grandson himself.
This meant that each year the family and the majority of their staff packed up and transferred their lives to Grantham House in London for several months. The oldest members of staff, Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore, traditionally stayed in Downton for the season - the former to care for the house and spend time with her husband and the latter purely in the interest of avoiding the hassle of it all - which were simple enough changes to manage as Anna and Phyllis shared the duties of housekeeper at Grantham House while Daisy took over as cook.
Of course, things had changed substantially about the staffing of Downton Abbey over the years and nothing proved just how much times had changed more than the burgeoning number of familial relationships amongst the Downton staff that had ultimately led to Lord and Lady Grantham issuing a standing invitation for members of staff to bring their families with them on the annual sojourn to London. This year, John and Anna Bates brought with them their now twelve-year-old son Johnny and their seven-year-old daughter Annabeth, while Andy and Daisy Parker were accompanied by their seven-year-old twins Barbara and Owen, leaving the Molesleys as the only family downstairs that was incomplete in their attendance.
In previous years Joseph had taken advantage of the coincidence of the season and the village school summer holidays to join his wife and daughters in London, but this summer he had reason to stay behind. Joseph's father's health had been declining for months before he'd managed to convince him to visit the doctor and after some tests and a few months of waiting they'd been presented with a terminal diagnosis of brain cancer and its rather abysmal prognosis. While Phyllis wasn't keen on leaving Downton without Joseph - having grown accustomed to his companionship after a decade of marriage - she would never begrudge her husband's desire to be with and care for his father during the time he had left. So the Molesley family had made the difficult decision to separate for the duration, with Emma accompanying her mother on the trip to London while Elizabeth remained in Downton with her father.
Emma had no objections to this arrangement. While the purpose of her joining her mother instead of Elizabeth was purportedly since she was better suited to provide assistance with tasks downstairs, it had the added advantage of giving her more time with Sybbie Branson. Since they'd met the winter Emma arrived at Downton, they'd been fast friends. As time wore on, the pair became practically inseparable in the hours they were allowed together and they had regularly schemed to find ways to increase those hours over the years. It wasn't until they transitioned into their post-compulsory studies that Sybbie joined Emma at Downton School for more advanced work in their common areas of interests, though it wasn't without significant protests from her aunt and grandparents about the "appropriateness of a common education for a Crawley."
While they'd gone into their years with Joseph and Mr. Dawes intent on focusing their studies on literature and history in preparation for future university studies, they'd both found an unexpected interest in biology and medicine. Emma was drawn to the prospect of a respectable career with steady demands and challenges that was outside of service, and Sybbie's general interest in the subject solidified when her father and Mr. Barrow began telling her stories about her mother's nursing work during the Great War.
After nearly five years of studying together in anticipation of this moment, they were on the brink of applying for nursing training programs. After many long conversations with her parents about the costs, benefits, and feasibility of various courses, Emma was leaning towards the practical courses with the Ripon Community Hospital that would provide lodging at the nurses' home as well as the ability to travel home easily should the need or want arise. Sybbie on the other hand, had her eyes set on the newer diploma programs at university based hospitals in London. The stark difference in their plans had opened a chasm of conflict between the two usually agreeable friends as they struggled to reconcile their goals with their shared dread of separation.
The tension came to a head the day Emma's mother told her she had been invited by Lady Grantham to accompany her and Lady Merton on a trip to London Hospital the following week. Both Cora and Isobel had maintained their positions on the hospital board over the years and they usually arranged for several meetings during their time in London over the summer, the most notable of which this year being the day-long trip they'd arranged to visit with physicians and administrators at the London Hospital and Medical College. Knowing the intent both Sybbie and Emma had in pursuing nursing, Cora had insisted that her granddaughter and her friend accompany them on the trip.
"Why can't you just be content for me?" Emma was exasperated by her friend's unwillingness to accept her choice. She knew that Sybbie knew the pressure she felt to balance her ambition with her desire to stay close to the family she'd longed for for so much of her life, but she hadn't seemed to internalize it. The second-hand invitation to visit the hospital with Sybbie's program of choice had shattered what was left of her patience.
"Because you shouldn't have to be content!" Sybbie cried back incredulously. "You're smarter than me and have hours more practical training than I do. Why on earth should I get this training without you?"
"Because I don't want it!" Emma protested angrily. "I need you to hear me when I say that I can't up and leave my family. It's not because I don't think I'm good enough to do so, it's because I don't want to be without them."
Sybbie's eyes were wide with regret as she absorbed her friend's response. "I'm sorry. You're right, I haven't been listening." Her head hung slightly as she elaborated further. "People so often separate us on merits based solely on class and I guess I assumed you were selling yourself short. Truthfully, I think I just don't want to face doing this without you."
"I don't want to do this without you either." Emma agreed with a sad smile. "But I don't want you to give up what you want, so we might just have to get used to the idea."
"Who knows?" Sybbie shrugged. "Maybe I'll decide on a practical program in York or Ripon."
Emma shook her head in disagreement. "You don't have to do that. Not for me."
"You're not the only one who would miss family in Downton if you left." Sybbie admitted with a small smile. "I'm not sure what I want yet, and I think that's made me doubt your certainty. I should have listened, I'm sorry."
Happy to have finally resolved a months-long disagreement between them, and not wanting to make a fuss around the house by rejecting Lady Grantham's invitation, Emma had agreed to the trip. It would be interesting to see the hospital and school even if she had no intention of attending or working there herself.
On the morning of the trip Cora tried to send for a second car to accommodate the increased size of their group, but Isobel had insisted that taking a second car for the sake of propriety was senseless when she more than enjoyed riding up front. Before she knew it Emma found herself in the back of one of the family's cars, with Sybbie in the middle and Cora on the opposite side while Isobel rode up front with the driver, somehow managing to carry on an animated conversation with the eldest Crawley grandchild about her expectations for the trip despite their physical distance in the vehicle.
"Are you nervous?" Sybbie asked softly during a lull in the conversation, concerned by the uneasy expression that had settled on her best friend's face.
"A bit." Emma admitted quietly, not looking up from her hands as she continued to pick at the side of her nails. While this was far from the first time she'd accompanied Sybbie on an outing with her family, being in public with the Granthams only served to exacerbate the more awkward dimensions of their friendship and she always found herself anxious about how things would play out.
Sybbie gently reached out and took her hand in hers, giving it a light squeeze before resting their joined hands in her lap and continuing her conversation with Isobel. "London Hospital trains nurses in a variety of fields, don't they Lady Merton?"
"Absolutely correct Miss Branson. Though the two primary training programs you two ought to be interested in are surgical or midwifery." Isobel insists knowingly. "On my last visit here I was thoroughly impressed by both programs, and I expect that with your connections you'd have no trouble getting adequate references to train with either if you wanted to."
Emma blushed at the unintended implications of the older woman's words, her grip on Sybbie's hand tightening slightly as she tried to maintain her composure.
"As amazing as that sounds, Emma and I would quite like to train together so I'm considering staying more local." Sybbie informed her quickly before grinning and jokingly adding, "We've been studying together for years at this point, and I'm not entirely certain I could learn anything without her around."
Iosbel turned around then and frowned at the visible embarrassment on the young Molesley girl's face. "Miss Molesley, you needn't sell yourself short. I know your father, and if your dedication to your studies is anything akin to his, there's no reason you wouldn't fare well in a larger hospital setting."
"Thank you Lady Merton." Emma bit down on her lip as she tried to swallow her discomfort with this topic of discussion being reopened. "That's very kind of you to say."
"There's no need to be so modest Emma." Cora added with a gentle smile. "Your mother has told me about your volunteer work at Doctor Garreth's surgery and it's very impressive for a young girl to have the practical experience and knowledge that you do."
Before Emma was tasked with finding a response to the compliment, the car arrived at the hospital and they were greeted enthusiastically by a nurse in uniform who was waving to them from near the entrance. Reluctantly, Sybbie let go of Emma's hand and followed her Grandmother out of the car, taking her presumed place next to the two older women while Emma followed just behind the three members of the family where her mother had reminded her that morning she would be expected to stay for the duration of their trip.
As much as she tried to focus on the words of the sister welcoming them, Emma found it impossible to concentrate on anything other than Sybbie. The way that she seamlessly transitioned from a subversive girl, who was known at home for being unable to care less about propriety, to the picture of politesse whenever the occasion called for it never ceased to amaze her. The admiration she felt for her friend in moments like this was always a bit overwhelming.
"Miss Molesley, there's no need to maintain the formality of nobility here." Sister Abernathy's voice managed to catch her attention as she stared intently ahead. "We're far too busy to be concerned with the hierarchy associated with titles in our training and work."
"Thank you, Sister." Emma nodded in understanding, smiling softly as Sybbie easily moved to her side before the group made their way inside the building.
The next several hours passed in a blur for the young girls who were quickly immersed in the controlled chaos of a large research based hospital. While Isobel and Cora spent their time speaking with various hospital representatives about the practicality of the application of various approaches at a smaller hospital with fewer resources, Sybbie and Emma eagerly took in the opportunity to explore and were quickly inundated with advice and information offered to them by various nurses and physicians throughout the hospital. By the end of their arranged visit the pair had amassed a small library of booklets and pamphlets that were offered to them, outlining everything from different medical specialties for study to specific treatments and medical research programs available at the hospital, and Sybbie had never been so grateful that Emma never strayed far from home without her leather book bag.
While Emma and Sybbie arrived at the hospital entrance at the time that had been agreed on when they'd separated from Cora and Isobel, neither woman was to be found. Not willing to waste time waiting around without something to discuss, the pair sat on the steps in front of the hospital and began sorting through Emma's bag for something to read until the women arrived.
Another hour passed before Isobel and Cora returned to the hospital entrance and they were alerted to their arrival when Isobel laughed aloud at the sight of the younger girls who were rifling through the bag of papers seemingly in search of something specific. "You girls look as if you've enough reading materials to last you a lifetime."
"This won't last them the week." Cora shook her head knowingly. "But hopefully there's some new things of interest in there that the Downton libraries haven't provided."
"Oh absolutely." Sybbie confirmed with a wide grin. "I'm particularly excited about the materials on the recent research about connections between mental and physical well-being."
Emma and Sybbie began packing up the bag once again while Cora and Isobel deliberated about their plans for a luncheon out. While they'd made a reservation for a tea house days before, they'd missed out on it during the extra time they'd spent at the hospital and neither seemed sure how to proceed from here.
"Truthfully, I may need to call it a day. This trip took longer than I'd expected and I'll need to be getting back." Isobel eyed her watch nervously. "You know as well as I that when Mary expects you at a certain time you're to be there then, and not a moment later."
Cora grimaced slightly at the thought of her daughter's disapproval and nodded knowingly. "I'll be needed at the house soon as well and frankly I'd rather have whatever's left in the kitchen at Grantham House than go through the trouble of looking for a reservation that's available at the last minute. It seems best for us all to head back now."
Sybbie and Emma visibly deflated at the realization that their outing was to be cut short and that their nightly separation, when Sybbie was expected to be upstairs fulfilling her family duties and Emma was expected to be helping her mother downstairs, would be beginning sooner rather than later.
Cora easily caught on to their disappointment and after a moment's thought amended her prior statement. "However, there's no reason the girls need to take an early night as well. I see no reason why you couldn't spend some time exploring London before heading home tonight."
"Oh, really grandmother?" Sybbie brightened immediately at the suggestion.
"Of course my dear." Cora easily agreed. "Knowing you both, I know there's no concern for trouble. There's not much untoward you can get caught up in at libraries and museums. I know your father will have no objections, nor would Mrs. Molesley. As long as you're both back before Mr. Barrow locks up, I don't see why you shouldn't make the most of the evening."
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Sybbie hugged her grandmother excitedly before turning to Emma and asking, "Where should we go first?"
"There's an art gallery just on the other side of these gardens that Dad's been insisting I have to visit." Emma replied easily as she secured her book bag over her shoulders before turning back to the older women. "Thank you both very much for the invitation and your kindness, Lady Grantham and Lady Merton."
"I'll let your mother know where you are." Cora reassured her lady's maid's daughter before watching the pair head off on their own adventure and joining Isobel in the car for the trip back to Grantham House.
As it usually turned out, Joseph's suggestion for his daughter was well-advised, and the pair had easily spent the remainder of the evening exploring the Whitechapel Gallery's exhibition on contemporary British art until they'd been asked to leave by an employee at closing time. They'd stopped in at a brightly lit curry house to grab a bite to eat and had gotten lost in debate about the political commentary of the works for some time before they decided it was probably time to head back to the house.
They were leisurely walking towards the nearest underground station when Emma stopped suddenly. "Oh God, Sybbie we have to go." She pointed towards a lit clock in the distance indicating it was well after eleven. "Mum'll have my neck if we're not back in before Thomas locks the door."
The pair immediately took off in a sprint, hands joined to ensure they didn't lose track of each other in the dwindling crowds of the London night. They'd nearly made it to the station when they were stopped by a large man intentionally moving into their path.
"A filthy pair of lavenders on their way home to bed?" The man sneered angrily at the two of them. "God will strike you dead before you make it there if your intentions remain as they are."
"Excuse me? Who do you think gave you the right to–" Sybbie began to argue with him only to stop when she felt Emma drop her hand and she looked over to see her friend's terror-filled eyes open wide and darting around anxiously.
"There's nothing natural about you lot." The man continued angrily, shoving a pair of leaflets against their chests with each hand. "You've turned from the life God wants for ya, and it's only right you learn better. In time the law'll catch up with you too if you don't give up this perversion."
"Thank you sir, we will." Emma stuttered anxiously as she took hold of the pamphlet he'd pressed against her with shaking hands and waited with bated breath until Sybbie finally did the same with a scowl.
"You'd both do well to make the necessary changes before you're well and truly damned." The large man spat through this final warning before moving out of the way to allow them to pass. "You'll thank me one day."
Not about to lose the opportunity to escape relatively unscathed, Sybbie grabbed Emma's hand once again, muttering, "I bloody doubt it." under her breath as she pulled her friend quickly away from the man and down into the station.
They managed to just catch a train that was pulling out of the station that would take them directly to Charing Cross which wasn't far from St. James Square and would hopefully get them home just before the door downstairs was meant to be locked. Grateful for the opportunity to catch her breath before their sprint at the other end of the train ride, Sybbie relaxed against the back of a seat until she looked over to see Emma clinging desperately to the handrail to keep herself upright as she trembled anxiously.
"Emma, are you alright?" Sybbie brushed Emma's hair from her face to reveal the tears building up in her friend's eyes.
Emma stared back at her blankly for a few moments before whispering quietly, "What did that mean? He called us… what did he even say?"
Sybbie rolled her eyes as she gently pried Emma's fingers from the rail and helped her into the empty seat behind her. "Lavenders, it's a euphemism for homosexuality. Gives cowards a way to spew hate about what they don't understand without having to 'sully their own purity.'"
Emma blinked a few times, trying to clear her mind enough to comprehend what Sybbie had said before realizing that she simply didn't understand what she was saying. "What?"
"You know… when instead of girls fancying boys, and vice versa, they prefer someone of the same gender?" Sybbie's expression easily betrayed her surprise at Emma's obvious lack of familiarity with the concept.
"What?" Emma whispered back harshly, certain she must be misunderstanding something.
"Did you really not know?" Sybbie asked incredulously before muttering, "God, what a way to find out."
"No, I didn't." Emma confirmed quietly, her head already splitting from the combination of stress and confusion the evening's events had caused. Sybbie had quickly become absorbed in one of the posters hanging across the car from them and she was thankful for the opportunity to sit in silence as she tried to reconcile her friend's explanation with her own understanding of romance.
She'd never felt much of anything in the romantic sense when it came to boys so far, though it wasn't for a lack of trying. She'd joined in with Sybbie and Marigold's late night musings about attractive visitors to the Abbey or Grantham House, and had sent her fair share of anonymous valentines to boys in the village. She'd even spent some time snogging Peter Robinson behind the schoolhouse one night after a dance, though in truth she found the whole endeavor rather tedious.
It wasn't until Sybbie's debutante season in London that she'd asked her parents what she should expect in terms of courting now that she was old enough. Her father had assured her that she'd know when she found the right bloke, while her mother had offered a small smile and a kiss to her forehead with the promise that, you'll know who you love, and a reminder that she wasn't to change herself for anyone.
She'd always assumed that they were right, that she just hadn't met the person she was meant to be with, hoping that with time it would inevitably come. On darker nights, she worried that her father - not Joseph, but her biological father Peter Coyle - and the way she came to be was responsible for her seeming inability to experience romantic love. But suddenly she'd been presented with a new explanation, a possibility that didn't mean that she was stuck waiting for the right person to come along, or that she was fundamentally broken. Instead, maybe, she had felt the things she was always taught she was meant to feel for men, but that she'd felt them for women.
It didn't take much longer for her to realize that the feelings she had for Sybbie, the sense of wonder and admiration she felt every time she was in the same room as her, the way her heart skipped a beat every time they touched, the way she couldn't keep her eyes off from her, probably weren't signs of friendship.
She was in love with Sybbie.
It was that final realization that made Emma let out a sudden harsh sob which caused Sybbie to turn to her, eyes wide with concern as she moved to wrap an arm around her shoulders to comfort her. "Hey, what's wrong?"
Emma shook her head, pulling away from her abruptly as shame quickly overtook the comfort her friend's touch usually brought her. She quickly covered the movement by furiously shoving the leaflet she'd forgotten she was holding into her bag and reaching out blindly towards Sybbie so she could do the same with hers. "It doesn't matter."
"Emma, of course it matters!" Sybbie protested indignantly, her protective instincts kicking in on her behalf. "That man was bloody terrifying and I don't have the past that you do. You're not alright."
"I know, but we can't do this right now." Emma snatched the leaflet from Sybbie in frustration. "I can't get caught out again or Mum will send me back to Downton for the rest of the summer."
Sybbie sighed but nodded in agreement before helping Emma secure her bag so they could make a run for it as soon as the train arrived at the station. Twenty minutes later, to the relief of both girls, they slid through the door and into the servant's hall downstairs only moments before Thomas emerged from his office to lock the door for the night.
"Cutting it a bit close tonight girls." Thomas smirked as he leaned against the doorframe only to stop in his tracks at the obviously tense energy between the usually easy-going pair. "Are you both alright? Did something happen?"
Sybbie sighed heavily, moving to help Emma take her book bag off her shoulders before launching into an explanation. "Sorry Thomas, we would've been earlier but we got caught up by–"
Well aware that Sybbie would see no reason to lie to the butler they'd both always trusted, but terrified about what the revelation might mean for her recently discovered secret, Emma quickly interjected. "I forgot my watch and we lost track of time. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
Thomas narrowed his eyes, clearly not believing the story but noting the absence of the watch he'd given her after several evenings just like this one on her wrist, he sighed in defeat. "I know you told me you liked the watch Emma, but your tendency to leave it behind is reason enough to give me doubts. Either way, it will only work for you if you remember to wear it."
"I know." Emma agreed readily. "I'm sorry, I'll do better. Promise."
"Alright." Thomas allowed, frowning slightly at the obvious distress the girl was trying to hide. "I'm locking up and heading up for the night. You two should do the same."
"Goodnight Thomas." Sybbie smiled gratefully at the butler, waiting until he'd left the room before turning to Emma with a confused expression on her face. "Why did we lie? Thomas wouldn't've held it against us."
"I just… I didn't want him to know. Besides, Mum would've been upset." Emma quickly explained, shaking slightly as she. "I'm meant to be here to be a help not a hindrance, and I've not done a good job of convincing her that that's the case."
Sybbie stood quietly for a moment before sighing softly and apologizing. "I'm sorry, Em. I never should've let us stay out this late. I know it makes you nervous."
"It's alright." Emma dismissed the apology, her resolve to keep Sybbie at arm's length crumbling as exhaustion took over. "I just don't want to have to leave you."
Sybbie nodded, pressing a quick kiss to her forehead in an attempt to convey her understanding. "I know, and I want you here, so it's my job to not make that any harder for you."
Emma blushed furiously at the affection, her stomach flipping uncomfortably at the sensations she'd always thought were indicative of nothing more than friendship, but she managed a small smile nonetheless. "Thank you for understanding."
"Of course." Sybbie assured her softly. "Now I hate to admit that Thomas is right, but it's probably best that we get to bed. Are you going to be alright alone tonight?"
Emma's stomach bottomed out as she considered the implications of the question given the night's events. Normally she wouldn't have even hesitated to have Sybbie spend the night in her room, but the realization of her feelings for her made it feel wrong, like she was taking advantage of her. That, combined with the angry words of the man who had stopped them repeating endlessly in her mind, A filthy pair of lavenders on their way home to bed?, made the prospect seem entirely dishonorable, and far too intimate.
"I'll be alright." Emma assured her with a feigned smile. "I'll see you in the morning."
The pair separated there, Sybbie pulling Emma into a quick final hug before hastily heading towards the stairs to her bedroom leaving Emma alone in the hall for several moments before she slowly made her way up the backstairs to the servants' quarters.
She stopped briefly outside her mother's door and considered knocking, her desperation for comfort in this moment battling with her desire to keep her late night escapades under wraps. In the end her need to keep her place in London won out, and she moved on to the next door, quietly opening and closing it behind herself before crossing the room and collapsing onto the small bunk in a fit of tears.
There was so much she didn't understand about what Sybbie and that man had said tonight. It had felt wholly alien at first to be learning about a new type of love at her age, but as much as she loathed to admit it, she was quite sure this type of love wasn't actually new to her.
While she didn't understand exactly how, or why, she knew she was in love with her best friend. And she was fairly certain she wasn't supposed to be.
NOTES:
Content Warnings:
Homophobia (Internalized, Period-Typical, Religious); Anxiety/PTSD (Implied); Reference to Abuse & Rape/Non-Con in Previous Relationship; Illness (Mentioned)
Chapter Recap (Contains Spoilers):
While out in London, Emma Molesley and Sybbie Branson encounter a street preacher that presumes the pair to be in a relationship. His words, and Sybbie's subsequent explanation of them, lead Emma to the surprising realization that she's in love with Sybbie.
Author's Note:
This story is a continuation of the world in my work "If I Can't Remember My Past, I'm Condemned to Repeat It" a canon-compliant (through Downton Abbey 2019), Baxter-centric fic that explores Baxter's backstory and how it impacts her relationships as she starts a family with Joseph Molesley. I'm working to ensure that this story is enjoyable for readers who have read the first story as well as those who are only interested in this work, but I may miss the mark from time to time so please feel free to let me know if elements of character's backstories aren't making sense.
If you'd like to connect with me outside of AO3, you can find me over on tumblr ml-quinn.
A Note About Content Warnings:
The stories in this series deal with numerous heavy topics that may be distressing or triggering for some readers. To give readers who may have concerns about some of the tagged content warnings on these works the opportunity to enjoy them, comprehensive content warnings and chapter recaps are included in each chapter's end note. All readers should note that these warnings & recaps contain spoilers for each chapter. While I've done my best to include appropriate warnings, there is an inherent element of fallibility in the determination of content warnings by a single person. Please don't hesitate to get in touch if you feel that something has not been properly included in these warnings.