Pairing: Gingetsu/Ran
Disclaimer: CLAMP owns all. They're already getting all of my money. At
this point, suing me would be pointless.
Notes: Clover is abstract and poetic. So much, in fact, that anything I
write Clover-wise ends up painfully stark and confusing. Like here, there's
almost no dialogue... But I love Ran to death, almost as much as I love
Subaru-kun. ::huggles:: This isn't a deathfic... I hope I got Gingetsu in
character.
Once More
By GrayM&M
–
Ran was getting tired.
He seemed to get tired more easily these days. Just running a few tests on the
mainframe system was enough to make him lose concentration this particular
morning… He let his eyes slide out of focus and his cheek fall to rest on the
back of his hand. He considered lunch, thinking abstractly that since he
skipped breakfast he should eat something, anything… but the thought of food
stirred nothing in him. Perhaps he just wasn't hungry today.
But he hadn't eaten anything yesterday either. Sapphire eyes flicked over the
scrolling text on the monitors, but he absorbed none of the information. His
brain felt very far away, lost in billowing clouds of mist. His face too,
pillowed against his knuckles, registered very little of the contact, as if it
were anesthetized. His mind and body were growing numb to the world. Perhaps it
was his accelerated aging, and soon he would just… stop…
The thought failed to frighten him.
Mind, and body... But what of his heart? He couldn't bring himself to care
about his physical condition or his mental response time. Losing weight was an
external condition he no longer had control over. But his heart… would it grow
numb as well? Would he be apathetic when it too failed to respond to stimulus?
He didn't want it to. He blinked, slowly, finally realizing as if from a
distance that his hand was wet. The fact that he had been crying without
knowing… Perhaps his heart was more numb than he thought. The fact deeply
distressed him.
"Ran," came a voice from above him, filled with concern. He hadn't even heard
the man approach, he realized dejectedly.
"Oh," was all he could reply.
Gingetsu didn't inquire if the boy was alright. Asking would be redundant,
insulting. The question was moot, it was obvious he wasn't.
"Ran, tell me."
Hands, strong enough to strangle a man before he could fight, gently rested on
painfully thin forearms and softly made comforting motions. The simple gesture
caused a sob to break free from Ran's chest. He didn't want to lose this.
"It's nothing," he whispered, meaning nothing the two of them didn't know
already.
Gingetsu understood.
"You don't have to finish the analysis. Leave it be. Would you like to come?"
He didn't mention a destination, it simply wasn't important. Ran nodded, acknowledging
the fact that he couldn't sit slumped before the monitors forever. He stood,
slowly, and accepted Gingetsu's extended hand.
Only to lose his balance.
He fell against the wide warmth of Gingetsu's frame, hooking his slender arms
around a powerful neck. He clung.
A hand pressed against the fabric of the t-shirt, meeting well defined
vertebrae to support him.
"Please…" came a muffled plea. "Don't let me go." It was pitched a quarter tone
higher than usual, a sound he'd not heard from the boy since he first
encountered him, before his voice changed. But even then, it never had sounded
this way. It was filled with a lack of emotion. He felt the emptiness as a
tangible loss, a void.
"Mm. Never will."
The boy sighed and relaxed, seeming to soak in the presence, or to memorize it
for later. Would it ever be like this again? Already, it wasn't like it used to
be. How much longer would he want this, he wondered, before it faded away? He
probably wouldn't even notice the loss, and this idea frightened him, because
he didn't want to forget.
"Will you… once more?" he asked, quietly, bringing his delicate fingers up to
trace through silver locks that definitely merited his given name. Gingetsu,
the silver moon. And like the moon… tacit, stoic.
And radiant.
"…Why are you asking?"
It was never asked, it was simply done… after the first one, the fist kiss,
when Gingetsu had asked tenderly and Ran's eyes overflowed with relief…
After that one, Ran would always swoop by and steal one, brief and feather
soft, whenever he wanted one to be given. The older man would then arrest him
by the shoulders and press his mouth gently, waiting for entrance. Lips would
pull into a smile before parting, always.
But now he asked, and realization seeped into his mind. The asking mirrored the
first's… and if it was to be the last, it would be perfect in its symmetry.
Gingetsu removed his sun-shielding eyewear to reveal dampened pearl-gray, and
Ran swept up to steal a quick brush of lips in his trademark style. Back then,
Ran had cried in relief that they were allowed to be together.
Now, Gingetsu wept in joy that they had the time they were given.
Lips did not smile before they parted.
The kiss was slow, prolonged, and savored because each knew the cold circumstances:
after now, there would be no more. Pressure was bittersweet and eternal, and
for the span of a moment, Gingetsu wished they had, even once, made love. But
that would have likely made the pain more intense, so he abandoned the thought,
and focused on holding the too-small frame tightly against his.
When the kiss broke, they had found a form of resolution.
They had known this would happen sometime, and that eventual time was now. Ran
was ready, and Gingetsu was prepared.
All the same, Ran still clung.
"So dark," he whispered into pale strands.
"I know."
"Gingetsu… thank you for the lamp."