AN: This one is longer, but not necessarily better, because the first one wasn't really that good, so I have nothing to compare it to.
AN2: Remember the footnotes? Of course you do. Well, they're even worse in this chapter.
Episode 2 "I'll make your ass into a 'home-movie!!'" (o.o ......)
Author: Well, wasn't that last episode just interesting as hell? No, wait, silly me. (cuts open her head, reaches inside and pulls Fucked Up voice in her head out, stretches it very far (little voices are made of elastic and are very pliable), then puts it back in, and sews her head shut) Excuse me. That episode was about as much fun as spending a day locked in a small room with Popuri. Welcome to the next episode--
Jack: Am I still the star?
A/A: You never were the star. Anyways, someone else is going to be voted off before this is over. Isn't that exciting?!? I can't wait! (opens her head again, pulls out Overly Enthusiastic Voice, stretches it, and puts it back in) Sorry about that. Now, in this episode, we're going to have the immunity challenge first, then vote someone off later.
Kent, Stu, May: YAY I hope it's we!
Cliff: Terrible grammar. (sighs) Yeah, I hope it's you, too.
Author: Well, since I-have-the-power, I can overrule any votes, and basically make it anyone I want it to be. I like this job! Heeheehee! I...have...the...power! (lightning flashes and strikes her upheld hands. She falls over on the ground) Ow.....
Karen: That was cool! (runs over and kicks her)
A/A: Ow, that hurt, you buttlicker! (in Cartman imitation voice) Ok, then next game is this. Everyone jumps off the back of Moon Mountain (1,000 foot drop) and whoever lives wins.
Jack: Cool! (starts running to the edge)
A/A: Just kidding, of course. (cackles--....?! Laughs)
Jack: (jumps off the mountain) Nani?! Ahhhhh!!! (eh, falls....)
Everyone else (except Kent, May, and Stu, who still don't understand): (laugh at Jack, then listen to A/A while she explains the real game)
A/A: Ok, the real game is...we don't really have a game. (thinks for a moment) Yeah, here it is. Who ever can think of the best immunity challenge wins. Oh wait, silly me, you guys aren't really the "thinking" type.
Cliff: I have one! Let's see who can do the best job of beating Jack within an inch of his life!
A/A: Cliff, just...don't talk any more, ok? You have no idea how close I am to just running over there and smacking the shit out of you with my Censor Bars™.
Cliff: Go ahead and do it. I don't care.
A/A: Yeah you do. Anyways, I like my Censor Bars™. I don't want you to touch them. Mmmkay, here's your challenge, if anyone still cares. It's almost dark, and you guys don't have any shelter-
Bakery Dude: Shelter from what? (winks suggestively at Kai)
Kai: (suddenly remembers that his mommy told him NOT to eat dirt because it was bad for him) Icky! (spits it out. Sees Bakery Dude looking at him in "that way" and oinks like a pig in response)
A/A: Cliff! Get your ass over here and tell us what we, err, I mean, you guys, need shelter from.
Cliff: (whips out his Handy Field Guide to the Plants and Animals of Moon Mountain) Hmm...it says here that the most dangerous animal is...Jack. (1)
Jack: (reappears suddenly, with a lot of sticks and leaves tangled in his hair, looking like some scary jungle monster) Hey! That's not fair! I'm not dangerous...I don't think. Dammit, where are my pants?
A/A: They're at the bottom of the mountain, and you can't go down to get them or you'll be disqualified.
Jack: Aww, damn! This game sucks!
Karen: Yeah, so does your ass! (passes out and is carried away by Elli)
Cliff: Weird how shit like that keeps happening. Does anyone want to know what the most dangerous Plant is?
Everyone (who isn't drugged or drunk): No.
A/A: Go build your shelters now, I hear it's going to rain tomorrow. How do I know this? Let's just say that a little birdy (named Saibara) told me.
Jack: Hey, that means it's definitely going to happen! Everything he says always comes true! (runs away screaming, looking for "the penguins")
A/A: Wait, what do penguins have to do with weather? Oh, silly me, they have everything to do... with...without...they aren't...they...just are. (smiles happily) I'm always at a loss for words concerning "the penguins".
Everyone: We all are.... (they all leave to look for their shelters)
Jack: (runs down to the little elves' cave, still screaming about the penguins (1.5)) They're coming to get you! And you! And...well, not you.
Efl1: They're coming to get me!
Elf2: But they're not coming to get me.....
Jack: That's ok, it's probably better that way.
Efl2: But I want to be abducted by the holographic sanity-stealing penguins!
Jack: Oh, they don't steal sanity anymore. They realized it was kind of a waste of time, and they didn't really have any use for all the sanity they stole, they just kind of hoarded it. That's why I got mine back!
Elf2: Oh, that's cool. Do they still do abductions?
Jack: Mmm, sometimes. You have to be..."special". Anyways, back to the real reason I came here. Can, err may, I stay here for the night? Damn Cliff and his good grammar! We hates him, don'ts we, precious? (talking like Gollum from LotR)
Elf1: What the hell....? I guess you can stay with us. If you...HAVE to.
Jack: Yay! We can tell penguin stories all night!
(suddenly, another one of those ever-popular "instantaneous event sequences" occurs ...actually, it takes a few seconds)
Elf3: (walks out of the "back room" wrapped in a towel)
Jack: Where are your clothes?!
Elf3: (looks up, sees Jack in their home, screams and drops his towel)
Everyone: (screams when they see what's under it)
(end instantaneous event sequence)
(long pause, while the rest of time catches up with them and they try to figure out what the hell that is)
Jack: What the hell is that?!?
Elf2: You've been hiding this from us all along....
Elf1: I should've known...
(another, longer, pause)
Elf2: That's really kind of gross, you know.
Jack: I think I'll go stay somewhere else tonight.... (runs away) I wonder if the Craftsman is busy tonight? (little does he know just how "busy" he is)
Craftsman: (hears a knock at the door) Oh shit, I think someone's out there. I could get arrested for what I'm doing! Quick, LDTLITFPALLAP, put your clothes back on!!!
LDTLITFPALLAP: What the hell are you talking about, Craftsman? (gets up and turns the camera off)
Jack: Can I come in?!? I wanna stay for the night.
Craftsman: Hmmm, I think that can be arranged... (sly wink)
Jack: (walks unsuspectingly into the house, looks around) Hey, what's all this stuff in here? Wait a minute! YOU were the ones that took the pictures I saw in Gray's inappropriate magazines! (2) And LDTLITFPALLAP! What's wrong with you? You're...you're nude! And you're really a girl! This is like all my worst nightmares all rolled into one big crazy psycho-dream...
LDTLITFPALLAP: Eh, Jack, you weren't really supposed to know about this. But now that you do--
Jack: If it's supposed to be some big secret, then why did you just let me into your house and show me?
Craftsman: Well, perhaps we can work out a deal with you...maybe let you in on some of the profits...?
Jack: I want one third of the profits from all the sales, plus the rights to the magazine.
Craftsman and LDTLITFPALLAP: It's a deal! But you have to do something for us, too... (begin giving each other strange looks and moving closer to Jack)
Somewhere, and someone, else...
Cliff: (sitting on a rock alone, as the sun sets) Hmmm, I wonder why I'm all unpopular and what-not.
Karen: (sneaks up behind him with a bottle in one hand and another "make-Cliff-happy" drug in the other hand) Well, I'd say you're very popular with us! (laughs crazily)
Elli: You know, it would have been funnier if you hadn't said anything and we'd surprised him. (laughs crazily also)
Cliff: (turns around) Oh, hello, Karen and Elli. What do you want? I was just watching the sunset. Want to join me?
Karen: Shut up! I'll make your ass into a sunset! (breaks the bottle over his head and "administers" the sedative drug)
Elli: (suddenly remembers that she can stop laughing crazily now) Ok Karen, what do we do now?
Karen: Oh, I'll show you. (drags Cliff's limp body into a bush, while Elli follows)
.....
"Bessie": Hey, why haven't I gotten any good lines yet?
A/A: Because you don't deserve any. You were an accident!
"Bessie": See, look, you just got one. Why don't I get to say anything funny like that?
A/A: I dunno, maybe you'll get one later. (winks)
"Bessie": Holy shit, don't wink at me! Winks usually mean something Really Bad is going to happen in your stories.
A/A: Oh come on, "Bessie", you're one of the "cool" people in the story. I wouldn't have anything bad happen to you. (winks again)
"Bessie": Ahhh! Stop doing that, dammit!
At the top of the mountain...
Kent: What's a shelter?
May: I don't know. Maybe it's like a kind of cookie.
Stu: Yeah, like that cookies you stole!
(May) Who, me? (Kent) Yes, you! (May) Couldn't be! (2.5) (Kent) Then--
Bakery Dude: Shut up! We're trying to, uh, sleep here.
Kai: We weren't sleeping, Bakery Dude. You were just about to take that hard, crusty loaf of "bread" and--
Bakery Dude: (clamps a hand over Kai's mouth) Not in front of the children!!
Stu: What were you going to do with the bread, Kai?
Kai: Uhh, umm, maybe better if I didn't say... See, we were going to... umm… (improvising) have a tea party! And...serve this...bread... Certainly not shove it--
May: Ooooh! I like tea parties! Can we stay in your shelter with you?
Bakery Dude: (annoyed at being "interrupted") We don't HAVE a shelter. We were going to, uh, "sleep" under this tree here.
Kent: And what if it rains? How are you going to keep warm?
Kai: (blushing) Ah, dammit! Stop asking so many questions!
Bakery Dude: You can stay with us...I guess. But maybe you should wear these blindfolds later on, you wouldn't want to see...
Kent, Stu, May: Why would we want to do that?
Kai: there are going to be some things going on later on that wouldn't be good for kids like you to see. It might warp your fragile little minds. (3)
A/A: (tries to think of whose shelter hasn't been dealt with yet) (looks around at the remaining "victims") Ah, Popuri. The only one left. Heh heh heh.
Popuri: Where do I get to stay? Oh, I hope it's in a cute little house shaped like a teapot (or a mushroom) with and white picket fence and about 20,000 cats in the front yard and... (continues babbling for a few minutes)
A/A: Shut up! I said you had to WORK for your shelter.
Popuri: Oh, darn. Do I still get the cats?
A/A: No. In fact, because I am the author and I-have-the-power (evil laugh inserted here), I choose to make you so dumb that you don't even know what a shelter is.
Kent+Stu+May: Just like us! (are all watching Bakery Dude and Kai in a rather...strange position, doing something...unusual) (Kent) What is Bakery Dude doing to Kai? (4) (May) It looks kind of like they're playing leap-frog! (Kent) Only, without the LEAPS. (Stu) Cool, lets join in!
A/A: ....... (ducks at the flames being hurled at her from Reviewland) (HINT HINT)
The next day...
(Everyone is assembled at the top of the mountain, which is where all the main announcements happen)
Jack: Boy, is my ass ever sore! (rubs it)
A/A: What's the matter? Did you sleep on the ground? (evil wink, because she knows what he really did)
Jack: I'll have you know, I hardly slept at all last night. I stayed at the Craftsman's with LDTLITFPALLAP, and we made popcorn, and had a party, and we made "Home-Movies"!!
A/A: Eh, I'm not even going to ask.
Karen: (slightly sober, for once) Jack, how much did you get paid?
Jack: What are you talking about?
Karen: Come on, Jack. I of all people would know what you mean when you say "home-movies". That's like, the code word for it in The Business. (5)
(meanwhile, everyone is whispering about what a slut LDTLITFPALLAP is)
Jack: You mean...you've been in a..."home-movie"?
Karen: It was supposed to be a secret!
Jack: But you just came out and told me! And everyone else...
Karen: I hate you, Jack! You've ruined my life. It was just for the money, you know. (runs away crying)
Jack: WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?!?!
A/A: It doesn't matter. She'll get over it in a while.
Elli: (rushes to bring Karen some more alcohol, in hope that she will forget about it and not take it out on her later)
A/A: (suddenly realizes...) Where is Cliff?
Everyone: (looks around and is surprised to see that he's not there. They begin wandering off to look for him)
A/A: (looks surprised) Wait! We all hate Cliff here, right?
Everyone: Well, yeah, sort of, I guess...
A/A: We've got more important things to do than look for him. Like this next immunity challenge. Whoever can be the first to bring me back a worthy gift from somewhere on the mountain wins. Oh yeah, and if there's anything left over afterwards, you guys can have it, 'cause I just realized none of you have eaten since you got here.
All contestants: (leave to go look for a gift for A/A)
A/A: (to Ducks the penguin god, who only she can see) You now what? I REALLY like this job. (grins)
Some time passes, then...
Jack: (wanders slowly up to where A/A is waiting, holding a veryberry)
A/A: Oh, what a nice gift, Jack! Thank you.
Jack: (looks down at the veryberry) Oh, this? It isn't for you. Actually it's for Karen. (runs off to look for her)
A/A: (shouts after him) But didn't you bring anything for me?
Jack: (to himself) After this I'm gonna ask her to marry me!
A/A: (falls on the ground laughing at what he said) You're kidding, right? Jack?! Wha...
Some more time passes, then...
Cliff: (hobbles unsteadily up the hill, his arms full of stuff)
A/A: Nice to see you again, Cliff. Not. Where were you earlier?
Cliff: (about to fall over with the weight of all the stuff) Well, it was the funniest thing. I was watching the sunset, when suddenly I couldn't remember anything. Then I woke up later on in a bush with half my clothes torn off, and Karen--
A/A: No need to lie about it, Cliff. I don't want to hear about your creepy little sex fantasies that you like to jack off to. And you don't need to drag Karen into this. If you REALLY don't want to tell us where you were, then just don't.
Cliff: (looks confused) Anyways, all this stuff is for you, A/A! For some reason, when I woke up, I just felt like getting you a bunch of gifts! (6)
A/A: Yeah, right. (mutters) Suck-up.
Everyone: (comes back, whining and complaining) There wasn't anything left! Cliff picked it all!
Cliff: (deposits all the stuff on the ground, where it breaks or squashes and immediately disappears, like what happens in the game)
A/A: You idiot! You just ruined all of it! (kicks him in the balls)
Karen: (picks up a squished veryberry that hadn't disappeared yet, with little shiny anime tears forming in her eyes) You...you killed it. (looks up and gives Cliff a DeathGlare™) Cliff! I'll make your ass into a squished veryberry!!!
Cliff: Ahh! (limps away) I didn't mean to! I thought-- ow! Ouch, dammit, stop pinching me!
Karen: (giggles) (pinches him inappropriately some more) I told you I was going to make your ass--
Jack: (finally makes his stupid self notice) Karen! What are you doing touching Cliff...THERE? (7) I thought you loved me! (takes out his blue feather, throws it on the ground and stops on it)
Karen: Hey, Jack, I'll marry you. Just as long as you have a kitchen!!
Jack: Wah... Why do I need a kitchen?
Karen: Ah, I get these terrible munchies in the middle of the night sometimes... Oh, I was just telling you about how I was making Cliff's ass--
Jack: Into your own personal plaything! (sobs)
Cliff: (while the two of them are arguing back and forth, he slips away and goes back to where the rest of the group is waiting)
A/A: Well, even though you're stupid, Cliff, I guess it's the thought that counts...or something. (gives him Jack's flower seed card) Here's your immunity idol.
Cliff: Kickass! (runs off to go find some more of those weird fungus things (9) that grow in the elves' cave and make you see straaaaange shit)
A/A: Cooliness! It's time to vote someone off again!! (threatens the Little Overly Enthusiastic voice with a balloon) (10) Don't worry about those three (Jack, Cliff, Karen) they just won't be included in this one. And don't bother to vote for Cliff, since he's "immune." Heh heh heh. (hands out the voting cards and some markers) (11)
Everyone: (writes something on theirs, then gives it back to A/A)
A/A: Mmmkay, here's what the cards say. One for Jack, one for "Bessie" (looks like Kai's writing...maybe he was afraid Bakery Dude would become, err, distracted)--
Bakery Dude: (stops batting his eyelashes at "Bessie") What?! Oh, sorry Kai. (gives him a pie)
Kai: (thinks about what his mommy said about accepting food from strangers)
A/A: Two for Popuri, and one that says "Why cannot there be peace on the mountaintop?"
Everyone: (glares at Popuri)
A/A: Popuri, get the hell off my mountain! And take your stupid-ass peace-loving shit with you!
Everyone: (cheers, while Popuri walks down the path picking flowers along the way)
A/A: Well, since there's no mountain food left, and you're probably pretty hungry by now, I guess we should all go to the Restaurant.
Everyone: (cheers again, then begins walking away)
Jack, Karen, Cliff: (see them leaving) (Jack) Where are they going? (Cliff) We should follow them! (Karen) I'll make both your asses into.....ok, let's go after them. (they follow)
Index of Footnotes1 - See Harvest Moon Millionaire for a description, and what to do if you encounter a wild and/or dangerous Jack in the woods.
1.5 - Much as the Author has been known to do--[in the notebook, the words "quite often" are scratched out and "occasionally" is written above it]
2 - Again, see HM Millionaire for explanation.
2.5 - (Author screams loudly at all the footnotes) ONCE AGAIN, if you read HM Millionaire, this is funnier.
3 - Another Cartman Quote.
4 - Take a wild guess here. If you haven't figured it out by now, then...you need to try harder.
5 - If you haven't figured out that "home-movies" means "porno" yet, then you're just dumb.
6 - Actually, because the author failed to come up with a better explanation of why he picked everything on the mountain.
7 - Guess where.
8 - Author thinks she has too many footnotes in her story. But it's kind of comical, in a way.
9 - "Magic" mushrooms, wink wink
10 - Why is a balloon considered threatening? Well, just ask the Little Overly Enthusiastic voice. (evil laugh)
11 - Oh dear, the footnotes are numbering in the double-digits, in a chapter that as of yet is barely 3000 words long...
AN3: The footnotes are taking over!
AN4: As are the AuthorNotes!
AN5: Okay, I have one more chapter written/typed that I will post…sometime (1), then I'm going to have to start improvising it from there. [Translation: I might quit if don't find that people are actually reading this story. Meaning review, kudasai.]
Footnotes to the AuthorNotes!! I am insane.
1 – No guarantees here, since my computer is prone to Being An Idiot, among other things, and often won't let me open MS Word, so I don't know when I'll be able to edit the next chapter. It's not like anyone cares anyways. (2)
2(3) – I just like to trick myself into thinking they do.
3 – Please, make it stop...