AN1: This is the last of the "already written" chapters…after this, I'm going to have to start making it up.
AN2: And I'll be brutally honest (pretend like you care): If no one is actually reading this and enjoying it, then I'm not going to continue. So if you really like it and want me to write more (or if you just want me to get off my lazy ass and do something besides watch TV all summer), then tell me in a review or an e-mail.
AN3: Remember the golden rule: Flames, marriage proposals, hate mail to: the_antiprep_@hotmail.com. Subscriptions, pathetic attempts to escape: the_antiprep_@hotmail.com.
Episode 3 - "Issues with reality" (And still, it goes on…)
At the restaurant...
(Not really sure how this happens, but...if you know what the music from the bar sounds like (HM64), that's what's playing in the restaurant. Also, the two old people that own it are nowhere to be found, but there is a bunch of already-prepared food on the tables, and extra chairs set out.)
Jack: Weird, almost like they were expecting us...
Cliff: (in a sarcastic voice) Ooooh, spooky! (punches Jack in his lower back, knocking him to the ground)
Jack: Ow, what was that for?
Cliff: For trying to propose to my girlfriend!
Jack: Your--what--oh dear penguin god...--Karen!
Karen: (stuffs three loaves of bread in her mouth, then washes it down with a bowl of boiling hot soup, while Elli watches her, grinning) Wah goo voo van', Gack?
Author: (begins laughing quietly to herself as her entire notebook falls apart, leaving only about 10 pages of 60 still attached)
Jack: Come here, Karen. You need to decide which one of us you want to marry.
Karen: (looks back and forth between them) Vagewy Goog! (swallows) I mean, I wanna marry the Bakery Dude!
Bakery Dude: (stops licking the mustard off his bunless(0) hotdog) Karen, I don't think that's...well, you see, I don't really... what I'm trying to say is...
A/A: Out with it, Bakery Dude! (grins mischievously)
Bakery Dude: Err, given the way I like to do things...you know, "things"...I just don't think...you'd get much... satisfaction out of our...relationship. (sighs with relief)
Karen: How exactly do you like to do "things", Bakery Dude?
Bakery Dude: Ahhh! (runs to the bathroom, takes his "hotdog"(1) with him. Moments later, strange sounds can be heard, them a long drawn out sigh, and Bakery Dude walks back out)
Karen: Nevermind, I don't like you anymore. Now I want to marry.........THE AUTHOR!!!! (freaky nails-on-glass horror movie music starts playing)
Author: Noooooo..... (takes out a gun and shoots herself)
Karen: Just kidding, of course. Oh, look, she's dead.
Ducks Pengi-san: (uses his penguin magic to bring her back to life even though he still can't be seen by anyone else) (does a little dance and disappears)
A/A: Thanks, Pengi! (no one seems the least bit surprised at this, and they all dig into the food and eventually pass out on the floor, tables, and benches)
Karen: (after being sober for about 4 hours, gets totally drunk again and passes out right in the doorway)
Later...
A/A: (steps carefully over Karen and goes outside to watch the moon rise) You know, I was just realizing that in 7 lines I'll have reached the exact midpoint of my notebook. The story's nowhere near done, though. What am I going to do?
Cliff: Get a new notebook and continue it there? Oh, and what do you mean by "the story"? Isn't this real?
A/A: !? (turns around to face Cliff) Of course it's real! How long have you been standing there?
Cliff: Long enough to know that you think this is all fake!
A/A: Err...
Cliff: So, this was all a big joke to you, eh? Just a little humor you thought of to write down and make fun of us! (begins coming closer, a maniacal gleam in his eyes)
A/A: Cliff--It's not like that! You guys are all very real!
Karen: (wakes up and yells) I'll make your ass into a--ow! (moans) My head hurts... (goes back to sleep)
A/A: Cliff, you know too much. It's not safe for you to be around the other contestants, or anyone in Flower Bud Village, for that matter. If the secret of what you know were to get out, there would be utter destruction and chaos at fanfiction.net. Characters would rebel against their authors! Pretty soon there wouldn't be any more stories(2), not even the sappy love stories, or the NC17ies that we all like to...--well, what I'm trying to say is, I think you'll agree that what I have to do is that best solution for everyone.
Cliff: Eh, what are you going to do? (begins to look truly scared for the first time in this story, except for when he saw Jack's "pet" crab) Are you going to kill me?
A/A: (logical explanation voice assumes control) Well, you see, at first glance, killing you would seem like the right thing to do; then there'd be absolutely no chance of the secret slipping out. But think about it: there would be suspicious, accusations, lawsuits, and nobody likes that. Plus, Katie might have her fanfiction privileges revoked, or worse yet, get flamed by a bunch of Pokemon and Sailor Moon obsessed "authors" with nothing better to do-- (gasps) --Think of the horror! Think of the conspiracy!(3) (meanwhile inside her head, Katie is rolling on the ground (err) laughing. She reassumes control of her mind (temporarily)) So, what I have decided to do instead is... (holds up a tight-fitting bright red costume, which is sort of Cliff's size) You get to hide out with the Harvest Sprites!
Cliff: (screams) NOOO!!! (falls over, like the penguin in my stupid claymation movie(4), rolls on the round)
A/A: Come on. It's not so bad. Get up and try it on. Don't forget your pointy hat and little shoes with bells! (giggles)
Cliff: (goes behind a bush (where everyone can still see him) to try it on, looking embarrassed)
A/A: (stares at him the whole time like the little voyeuristic...thing she is, wondering why he didn't just go in the Restaurant Restroom(5) to change, if he didn't want them to see him)
Cliff: (comes out of the bush, just as everyone inside feels that it's time to wake up) Oh dear penguin god...
Karen: Cliff! A/A made your ass into a...an elf!
Jack: (facefaults) FINALLY!!! Victory is mine! Cliff, you really do look like an ass!
Everyone else: (is too shocked to speak, except...)
Stu: Are you Santa Claus? OOOOH!!! (Kent, Stu and May run up to him and begin yelling out all the things they want for Christmas)
Cliff: No! This is screwy! Does anyone want to know the real reason I'm dressed like this? A/A has a secret....
A/A: No, Cliff, you wouldn't! (runs over and tackles him from behind)
Cliff: What A/A really wants to tell us all is... That we're not really-- (is punched in the stomach)
Karen: Let A/A talk, you idiot!
A/A: What I meant to say is...well, you guys are...
Cliff: She really wants to say--
A/A: (deathglare™ at Cliff)
Cliff: --she's in love with the Bakery Dude!
A/A: Nooo! Ahh! (picks up a tree branch and begins beating Cliff with it)
Bakery Dude: I heard my name? (walks out of the restaurant holding another one of those straaaaange hot dogs)
Kent: Don't kill Cliff! The preacher guy says that violence is bad, and stuff!
A/A: The preacher guy does inappropriate stuff with the goddess statue when no one is around! (drops the branch)
Karen: Look at that, Cliff is dead now. (gives him another shot, straight into his heart)
Cliff: No I'm not! (jumps up and does a little happy elf dance) You can't get rid of me that easily!
Jack: Damn it! (walks back inside and eats about twenty of those little complimentary mints)
Elli: So, what should we do now?
Kai: We should vote someone off!
"Bessie": We should have an immunity challenge!
Karen: We should vote someone off and then have an immunity challenge!
A/A: You should all go to sleep and leave me alone!
Everyone: But we don't want to sleep, A/A! We're all insomniac fuckheads like you!
A/A: Oh, that's cool. Let's play a game, then.
Karen: Spin the bottle! (winks at the spot directly between Jack and Cliff)
Jack and Cliff: (deathglare™ at each other)
Everyone else: (looks at Bakery Dude) Ewww!.....
A/A: (grins at the possibilities) Sounds good, as long as I'm not included. Who needs math homework anyway? (pulls her math homework out of her pocket and torches it)
Elli: (always eager to please Karen (err...), she runs into the restaurant and grabs and empty wine bottle)
A/A: Everyone already know the rules, right? Kent Stu and May can't play, because they're too young--
Bakery Dude: (looks a bit disappointed at this)
A/A: --and it doesn't matter whether you spin a boy or a girl, you still have to...yeah. Cliff, you can go first.
Cliff: Good...I think. (spins it) Err, wait. It's pointing at "Bessie". Does that mean I have to...
Everyone: (trying to contain their laughter) Yes!
Cliff: Oh dear... (he and "Bessie" walk behind a bush. There a sound of struggling, a loud Moooo!, and Cliff runs out of the bush screaming) You chewed up my spiky anime hair!
Everyone: (laughs in a big way, as most of Cliff's pointy hair is now gone)
Cliff: Oh penguin god! I look like that guy from Dragonball Z! Ahhh!
A/A: Ok! Who wants to go next? (no one wants to go) Well then, I'll have to pick someone. I pick... Kai! (evil laugh)
Kai: (walks over and spins it)
Bottle (yes, it can talk): Round and round I go. Where I stop is...Elli.
Elli: Oh! (giggles and blushes) Kai! I guess we get to...
(they go behind the bush and all is silent for a few minutes)
Bakery Dude: So, I guess Elli doesn't know about our little "thing" that Kai and I have. Or at least...I though we had.
Kai and Elli: (walk out of the bush with their hair and clothes all messed up) (Elli) That was fun! (Kai) I've never had an experience like that before.
Jack: He's probably just never had an experience with a girl before.
Bakery Dude: Kai! You can't tell me you enjoyed that!
Kai: I did. In fact, I enjoyed it very much. Bakery Dude, I'm breaking up with you! I love Elli now!
Bakery Dude and Elli: (at the same time) You are? You do?!?
Cliff: (nudges Jack) Watch, this could get interesting.
Bakery Dude: Nooo.... (walks away crying (hey, he's not afraid to show his emotions!) while Kai and Elli stand arm in arm, grinning)
Cliff: (follows him) So, Bakery Dude, in your "previous relationship" were you the guy or the girl?
Jack: Now, Cliff, there's no need to be cruel. Oh wait, sill me. Of course there is! Do you like to be on the top or the bottom?
Cliff: Jack, that's kind of gross. But still-- (to Bakery Dude) --we want to know.
Bakery Dude: (stops crying) Why? (suddenly, a single word pops into his head. Thr--s-m-. Guess)
Jack: Wait, he's getting that weird look in his eyes. Help! (he cries out as he is lunged on by Bakery Dude) Ahh! It's trying to take my clothes off!(6)
Cliff: (sarcastically, in monotone) Jack. No. You try to fight it off. I'll go get help. (walking away) Sucker.
Back where that other thing was happening(7).....
A/A: This sucks, let's do something else.
Karen: VOTE SOMEONE OFF!!!
A/A: Sounds like fun. Not really. (gives out cards) Jack and bakery Dude are gone, but you can still vote for them. Oh, here comes Cliff. (gives him a card) Now hurry up and write something--I'm tired and I want to go to bed soon!
Cliff - Kent, Stu May
Elli - Bakery Dude
Kai - Bakery Dude
"Bessie" - Cliff
Kent, Stu, May - Kent, Stu, May
A/A: Two for Bakery Dude from Elli and Kai. Kent, Stu and May seem to have voted for themselves, and Cliff voted for them too. "Bessie" voted for Cliff--why?
"Bessie": Well, frankly, I though he used WAY too much tongue on that kiss. And his spiky anime hair wasn't nearly pointy enough to satisfy my tastes.
A/A: (says something that sounds right in the middle of "I see" and "I agree") What about Karen? She hasn't voted yet. Wait, where did she go?
Karen: (drags a crying Jack, who seems once again to be devoid of pants, back) He hasn't voted yet! (throws him on the ground)
Jack: Baker--...y Duuuude ...... he violated me! I vote for him!
Karen: I do too. That cake he made me after HM Millionaire tasted funny.
"Bessie": Don't look at me.
A/A: And even though it doesn't matter, because he lost anyways, I vote for Bakery Dude too. (laughs) Even though I made him do it because I-am-the-author and I-have-the-power! (drama/suspense music plays)
Everyone: All hail the almighty author!
A/A: Yes, you do that. Now WHERE THE HELL IS THE BAKERY DUDE!??! I want him off my mountain, now!
Bakery Dude: (stumbles up the mountain path(9)) What's the shouting about? Kai, did you change your mind about that cootie-infested GIRL yet?
Kai: No, I didn't, Bakery Dude.
Kent, Stu, May: AHHHH COOTIES!!! (they run away and jump in the fisherman's pond, unaware that LDTLITFPALLAP is...)
Kent: LDMJFB... (you can't expect an illiterate twelve-year-old to remember all those letters) looks weird.
May: Maybe s/he's sick...with cooties!
Stu: S/he has a new pet of the crustacean kind.
Readers: NANI? He doesn't know that word!
Stu: I said, his new pet looks like crusty bread! (10)
LDT...whatever: (crying) I shouldn't have made that home-movie with Jack! I think he gave me crabs!
Readers: Naniwoiutennen?!? (11)
LDTLITFPALLAP: I mean, he gave me his pet crab, and I think I killed it! (points at the crab floating upside-down on top of the water)
(12)
Kent: Well, we don't care if you have crabs, as long as you don't have cooties. (they walk back up to where everything else is happening)
A/A: With 5 votes, Bakery Dude is the loser. Get off my mountain, now!
Cliff: DAMN! That means Kent, Stu, and May are still in it! (deathglares™ at them)
Kent, Stu, May: (stare back at him, then begin picking their noses and sharing it with each other)
A/A: (clears throat) Ahem. Everyone, prepare to laugh at Bakery Dude as he takes his Walk of Shame and Loserliness down the mountain.
Everyone: (follow and laugh at him as he walks down the mountain)
Bakery Dude: (reaches the bridge that leads to the crossroads) Well, I had an appointment to keep with the Mayor, anyway. (winks and disappears)
(everyone falls over, and the Author laughs, 'cause...it's just funny)
A/A: Well, this got a bit lame! But this episode is over--
Karen: Awwww, but whyyyyy? It was just getting gooood!!!
A/A: (starts to walk away) Because…I said so.
(0) – No pun intended...wait, of course the pun was intended!
(1) - That's just what he wants you to THINK it is.
(2) - Not that there is a terribly large amount of HM fanfiction to begin with...
(3) - And if there's one kind of piracy I hate, it's CONSpiracy.
(4) –
(5) - Maintained by the Redundancy Department of Redundancy
(6) - If you haven't figured it out, or if I forgot to say it (more likely the latter), he got his pants back a while ago.
(7) - So descriptive, ne? (8)
(8) - I love my footnotes. (huggles all the footnotes)
(9) - Remember, they're still in front of the restaurant.
(10) - Inside joke.
(11) - Translates as "What the hell are you saying??"
(12) – At this point, the Author took something like a three-month hiatus from writing the story, wherein I forgot everything I was planning to have happen...(13)
(13) – Translation: I'm improvising now.
AN4: Well, three episodes down, and [as of yet undetermined number] left!
AN5: Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to type while eating a Popsicle?