''Sue led Sam and Frodo across Gondor to the Stairs. And looked up at them warily. She had never been fond of heights. But, she mused, if it could be done in the movie, she could handle it. But really, shouldn't stairs look more like stairs and less like a ladder? She asked herself. And what would be even better, she mused, was an escalator. Yes, that ought to do nicely. She waved her hand and it was so. A huge escalator leading into Mordor. Nothing but the most obvious for ''Sue. Frodo and Sam were now so under her spell that the appearance of an escalator was not even surprising. They obediently stepped on.

Having thus cut the time it took to get into Mordor by five, the threesome reached Shelob in record time. ''Sue did not like the look of the cave at all. As a matter of fact, she had left for a bathroom break in the movie theatre at about this time and ended up flirting with the boy who ran the popcorn machine in the lobby for ten minutes and therefore completely missed the part about everyone's favorite giant spider.

Shelob was quite a shock.

Not even ''Sue's sunny personality could put Shelob off when she was looking for a meal. And she was always hungry.

And no meat as fresher than ''Sue's. She even smelled all flowery. Because, of course, she didn't sweat.

As ''Sue ran screaming through Shelob's Lair, her control over Sam and Frodo diminished. They were once again free Hobbits. They hurried through the cave, having been through it many times before in various fanfictions since the movie was released. ''Sue's screaming and Shelob's clicking feet was like sweet music to the Hobbits ears. Sam even began to whistle as they left the cave and Frodo had never felt his burden feel so light.

Let the Author now stop to say that Hobbits are good sorts of creatures, which is partially why we like them so much. Therefore Frodo's conscious got the better of him. He couldn't just stand idly by and let ''Sue get turned into an empty husk left to decorate the halls of Shelob's lair. Sam of course was against it all the way, but what his master said, went. It should also be mentioned that ''Sue's powers were strong and Frodo may still have been under the lingering effects of them.

He and Sam waited until Shelob had ''Sue down for the count and wrapped up like a mummy before chasing the giant spider off and carrying ''Sue's bound body to a corridor that was frequented by Orc patrols.

It might be said that they were not entirely gentle with her.

OK, so they dropped her and fled, but can you really blame them?

The Orcs happened upon her an hour or so later and dragged her up to their tower. They were busy pouring over her strange mithril long underwear that no one knew she possessed, when she woke up.

She studied the Orcs for a few seconds before remarking, "You know, a good dentist could fix those teeth of yours."

The Orcs turned in surprise. Shelob's poison had worn off remarkably fast.

"And," she continued, "some curtains would do this place a world of good. They would be just the homey touch this place needs. And maybe a plant or two. I bet that window gets good light, maybe a spider plant would do. Yes," she bit her pouty lower lip, "that would look remarkably well."

The Orcs grinned malevolently at each other.

''Sue frowned. She had been effusing cute spunkiness into the air since she woke up, but it didn't seem to be working on the Orcs.

Thankfully they are immune to her charms.

Unfortunately they didn't have time to kill her.

Hormones travel fast in Mordor and before the Orcs knew what had hit them they were all skewered on Sting. Sam was there with his sword too, but ''Sue had a weaker hold on him than she did on Frodo. He managed to run himself into a corner where his sword became useless.

* * * * * *

Our *coughgagcough* three brave Hobbits strode boldly through Mordor in their own garments. No filthy Orc clothes for them, no siree. Even ''Sue couldn't look cute and spunky in Orc armor. No, she had to look cool, calm, collected and desirable at all times. Orcish armor just wouldn't cut it.

The Eye of Sauron, looking for all the world like a giant lighthouse, focused it glaring orange beam on the three travelers. Frodo and Sam promptly fell on their faces in an attempt to be overlooked. If Sauron was in a fireball throwing mood he might miss them and hit ''Sue instead. One could always hope.

''Sue looked up at the great Eye and tapped her foot lightly, "You know, you should try some Visine," she suggested perkily.

Sauron recoiled. At least as much as a flaming red eye ensconced in a tower can recoil. At once he had a terrible vision. The tiny hobbit maid clothed all in black, having become an !Evil! !Warrior! ''Sue. (Please excuse the punctuation. I just couldn't help myself) She had sent Sauron off to the eye doctor, two giant trolls rolling the flaming red eye down the hill, while she hollered after him to try Lasek while he was at it. In the background there was a tall black tower in the final stages of construction, and it dwarfed his own. It was humiliating. And the Ring gleamed sorrowfully at him from it place on the chain around her neck. Had It had a head, It would have been shaking it at him sadly.

Sauron decided that maybe, just this once, he would let the Hobbits make it to Mount Doom without any interference. Surely death was a better option than being ordered around by and !Evil! !Warrior! ''Sue for the rest of his long life. He resolutely turned his eye away and let them pass.

* * * * * *

After a long crawl up the side of Mount Doom to the Doorway, during which ''Sue managed to stay spotless, Frodo staggered towards the edge of a cliff over looking rivers of lava (What is it with this movie and cliffs anyway?). He was about to throw the Ring in. It had been begging for him to do so for the last hour. It could feel that it was approaching freedom. Even being melted down into nothing was better than being possessed by ''Sue. The Ring had even gone so far as to whisper encouragement to Frodo all they way up the side of the volcano.

Gollum had reappeared, his desire for the Precious so great that even thoughts of ''Sue could not dissuade him from following the threesome all the way across Mordor in order to obtain it. But in the end she was too much for him. He had backed away from her on the ledge, and while his mind raced, attempting to remember why he had come so far and sought the Ring so long, he took one step too many, and fell, a look of surprise on his face, into the rivers of lava.

''Sue wore a look of triumph as she watched him fall. Frodo watched her out of the corner of his eye and when she caught him at it she put on her innocent look and started humming. Good thing too. Frodo was looking as though he wished to follow Gollum to his fiery death. Her humming placed him fully under her control again.

It is now time for the sappy scene to end all sappy scenes.

Please brace yourself.

''Sue looked down at her hands, unconsciously grabbing for the Power of the One Ring. Never mind that the Ring had migrated to the back of Frodo's shirt just to get more layers of clothing between itself and her prying fingers.

"Oh Frodo!" She cried. "I cannot keep myself away from the Ring. It tempts me night and day!"

"I do not tempt her!" Wailed the Ring. "Keep her away from me!"

''Sue ignored this and continued on with her flowery speech. "If I stay I shall endanger our mission. I may even end up killing thee Frodo, even though I love thee with all of my heart. You're my soul Frodo! What would I do without you?"

"I know what I'd do without her," the Ring mumbled.

''Sue then launched into a soliloquy comparing Frodo's eyes to the brightness of the sky with many references to his strength and valor, before finally coming to the point we've all been waiting for... "Frodo you must kill me and then throw the Ring into Mount Doom."

"Please!" The ring cried. "End our misery. Just throw me in already so I can get away from her!"

Knowing that he had no other choice, Frodo pulled out Sting, and with great tears running down his face, held it in front of him, unable to do the deed himself. 'Sue, for once doing something that the readers will cheer her for, threw herself on the sword and died.

Pity it wasn't quickly.

Her last words ran on for twenty minutes (They have been omitted in this draft in order to keep the reader from going insane and bighting off their fingers to plug their ears with. Also gouging their eyes out with a spork, which is rather difficult without any fingers. We encourage you not to try this at home).

In brief, her last words declare her undying love for Frodo and her sorrow at her weakness concerning the Ring. Frodo cried a river at her passing, while Sam held him up and pulled him away from 'Sue's body, which shimmered for awhile before dissolving into a mist. A gentle breeze blew the mist past Frodo and the Essence of 'Sue deposited a gentle kiss on his cheek before melting away completely.

Frodo dissolved into great wracking sobs. He was inconsolable. 'Sue didn't even leave a body behind for him to burry. There will be no grave for him to visit. Even Sam had a tear in his eye and waxed lyrical about 'Sue's gardening and cooking skills. He's sure she will be sorely missed. Yet somewhere, in the back of his mind, he secretly rejoiced.

Having no more will to possess the Ring -- his beloved's downfall -- Frodo simply tossed it away into the abyss and staggered away. The upheaval that occurred from the Ring's demise was nothing compared to the upheaval occurring in Frodo's heart.

It may be noted that the ring was screaming gleefully as it melted. There may have been no more towers in it's future, but there was also no more ''Sue. Pity it didn't realize that it would be resurrected over and over again so fan girls everywhere could add their own spin to It's story.

That night the Eagles carried Sam and Frodo from Mordor. Frodo no longer had any tears left, just very large, red rimmed blue eyes. After all, if he was 'Sue's soul she in turn had to have been his. And his soul had just evaporated before his very eyes.

Rather disconcerting, that.

* * * * * *

The next morning Frodo woke up, safe and sound in his own bed in Bag End. He could hear Bilbo puttering around in the kitchen and muttering something about Party business, the Sackville Bagginses, and how Lobelia would surely enjoy the teaspoons, all while snickering to himself. The lingering effect of the dream still horrified Frodo, but in the morning light it was fading. It was just a dream he assured himself, and blamed it all on those funny looking mushrooms his cousins gotten him to eat the night before.

Just to be sure he tiptoed out to the kitchen and asked Bilbo if the Shire had acquired a King.

"Why no my boy." Bilbo said, surprised. "Why do you ask?"

Frodo just shook his head and mumbled something about nightmares. He secretly vowed that he wouldn't eat anything with mushrooms in it ever again. Well, he amended, at least not for several more hours.

* * * * * *

Ta Da!

THE END

I fear that there may be more like in the near future though. I hope you enjoyed my little ficlet. And thank you for your reviews. They cheer me.

JingleBelle