Disclaimer: what r u gonna do if I say I do own harry potter?? Huh?? That's right, ur not soo tuff r u? j/k…please don't sue me :)

a/n: finally…an update…hopefully I still have readers :)

Part 5: to Read, or Not to Read?

"We don't even have pictures
Just our memories to hold"

~John Mayer

Remus became busy in the coming weeks after the full moon.  It appeared that with the ministry admitting knowledge of Lord Voldemort's return, more people were willing to believe in the Order.  Cornelius Fudge seemed to have more credibility than the young Harry Potter, which would seem rational but was the exact opposite.  Cornelius Fudge had denied Voldemort's return even with evidence right under his pig nose, Harry Potter on the other hand had battled and survived to tell the tale to the world, to warn them and tell them to prepare.  The world was full of those who would rather not know, even if it meant losing their life.  The world was a horrible place, or so it seemed much of the time.

She grew lonely in the large house.  Her head throbbed more often and at times she could not even block out the emotions of the world.  She would feel joy and pain, love and hate all at once, all tearing into her.  She had owled Dumbledore who had replied it was only stress and that she should take rest.  But she knew it was more.  It was her pain, and rest would do no good.

The Weasleys along with Hermione had returned to the Burrow for the week to ensure no suspicion fell on them, the Order was still as secretive as before the Minister of Magic admitted Voldemort's return.  Harry had gone with them, after making sure she would be alright in the house all by herself.

He was a nice boy; so much like Lily it was unbelievable.  The amount of concern that filled him awed her.  Even Lily had not been so compassionate.  And who was he worried about?  The lost sister of his dead godfather.  He had no reason to ask her permission, yet he did.  She smiled and nodded telling him to go pack his trunk.

She regretted her decision now.  She wanted Harry's happiness, and being with friends was his happiness, but now she felt so alone in the large house.  Occasionally an Owl would sweep down the chimney bringing news from different members but mostly she spent her time cleaning the house alone.  She quickly understood Sirius's emptiness.  This house slowly ate away at him as it did her.

She had gone to the far ends of the earth searching for some peace but every where she went she was reminded of her lost friends and family.  She always felt Sirius's pain in the back of her mind, but she pushed it further and further until she could pretend that his pain didn't exist.  Perhaps this was her punishment for neglecting those few who had loved her.

Boredom and monotony had been all she had experienced in the days of alone at the house.  The only excitement she had came when she received a letter from Dumbledore telling her there would an Order meeting in a week.  He instructed her to prepare to introduce herself to new and old members of the Order.  Her excitement, though, quickly faded as her thoughts went to what the members would think.  She grew nervous at just the thought of seeing old faces and began cleaning even more, as a way to reduce stress.  She had made her way through the second formal dining room with no change in her feelings about the meeting.

What if all the members would feel the way Remus did?  That she could have prevented Sirius's loss, as well as helped plan other Order business.  Having an empithimagus would surely help the Order in knowing if anyone had turned to the dark side.  But then again she was no help in the original Order; she had not even sensed Peter's betrayal.

The week had seemed like a year but finally the house was filled with laughter and pranks again, marking the return of the Weasleys to Grimmauld Place.  Harry came back and was much happier than before.  His pain and guilt of losing Sirius had faded some; at least she had done one thing right so far.

Molly had started cooking right away; the entire Order would be at the next meeting meaning there was a need for a lot of food.  Elizabeth tried to help but she was hopeless in the kitchen, the pie she attempted to bake turned out like a rock.  Molly had ushered her out the kitchen, telling her she appreciated her help but cooked much better in solitude.

And so Elizabeth had returned to cleaning, but this time she was not alone.  Ron, Hermione, Harry, and Ginny all gave her their company.  They worked in silence, with tension still lingering in the air.  It was interesting to read the youth, though she did not do it often for she knew it was an invasion of their privacy, but there were times she could not help it.  Reading emotions was what made her, it would not be silenced.  There were doubts in their minds of if they could continue with the way they were.  There were doubts of each other, and their emotions towards one another.  She could see the years of childhood still in them, but adulthood was a mere step away.  And there was something going on that none of them expected, but many desired.

**The girls were often off in corners together, cleaning and whispering.  Every so often they look up at me and their curiosity bombarding me.  It is not an unpleasant feeling, simply one that causes my own curiosity to bubble.  It is times like this I wish I could read minds rather than simply emotions.  Emotions only tell half the story.  The other half is words, that which I cannot read.  And I can feel their interest in me grow each coming day until it finally came to an end…

I was cornered by the two girls one morning before I headed downstairs to ask Molly if she needed any help.  Each girl desired to be a woman, and knowing the emotions of their mates was a necessary step in their journey.  If only they could see that the answers were in front of their eyes, and not in my head.

"Please Elizabeth, you have to help us," Hermione said in a hushed whisper, and Ginny nodded her head furiously.

"You must.  I've wanted to know since my first year.  And now I can.  Please Elizabeth," the younger girl said, also in a hushed whisper, both afraid the object of their desires would interrupt their badgering.

"I cannot read them without their permission.  Such a request is against my morals.  And even if I did, I have no right to tell you girls what they feel.  It is not my place."

I hated being stern, but I could not simply fold into the girl's silly pleas.  They had to learn of love the hard way, like everyone else in the world.

"You don't know how hard it is. You could probably read boy's emotions like that," Hermione said as she snapped her finger, "and know if they were a hopeless cause or not.  I've been trying to get Ron to notice me for the last six years.  But he's so thick I'm afraid he may never realize I might be what he wants.  If I knew I was in his emotions, in his heart I could know if I can win this battle."

Hermione's voice was full of despair, as was she.  And I could not help but want to help.

"And I've been through so many boyfriends I've lost count, and Harry still hasn't noticed that I can barely breathe with him around.  Everyone can see but him.  If you just help us, tell us if there is even reason to hope."

"There is always reason to hope.  Emotions are strange things.  They are constantly changing, from one day to the next.  There is no way to tell if the way they feel for you will change between today and tomorrow."

She looked at the floor, emotions were what her life was made of, and yet she knew so little of them.

"We understand Elizabeth, but love never changes.  It always stays the same; it might get lost sometimes, buts always there.  You can never stop love, it keeps on going.  There's a muggle term 'soul mates,' people you are destined to be with, people who know you like the back of their hand.  Soul mates are never forgotten, they're always with you.  You have to tell us if that love is in their hearts, whether or not they know it exists is an entirely different matter; we just want to know if there is even a chance.  If they're our soul mates…"

Hermione was filled with more wisdom than her age should permit but she was right.  You know soul mates; you can feel them, even when you're not allowed to.  They simply needed to gaze within themselves to find the answer to their questions.

"Trust your heart girls.  It is all that is guaranteed in this world.  That is all I will tell you without betraying the unspoken trust I share with Harry and Ron."

I knew the truth; I could feel the boy's emotions around the girls.  Each one's emotions would begin to waver and engulf me.  The truth of childhood would lead them into the love of a lifetime.

Hermione and Ginny both giggled with delight and swallowed her in a never-ending embrace.

"Thank you Elizabeth, you're the best," two squealed as they hurried down the stairs to make use of my words.

I remembered such a love, such happiness.  The girls had been wrong, though, I could not simply tell if a boy liked me with a snap of her fingers.  Love is one of the hardest things to read, nearly impossible if you do not concentrate with all your being.  It is rare for an empithimagus to master reading love.  I had barely done it.  Even now I am no expert.

Still, the one boy I did desire was the one boy I could never read.  Werewolves are interesting creatures.  They are cunning and brilliant, never letting anyone into their minds; even on nights when the moon is not full.  That is why I could never read Remus.  That was why I once feared him before I loved him…

~~~

The book fell from her hands with a thud.  The words on the page still not fully sinking into her head.  It had to be wrong.  There was a mistake, that had to be it, there just had to be.  But the explanation did answer all her questions.  But what she learned scared her.

She had liked Remus since the day she had laid on eyes on him.  He had been standing with Sirius at Platform 9¾ waiting for their other companions to arrive.  His clothes were slightly worn but his eyes were so warm, like fresh honey waiting to be devoured.  He had greeted her like a gentleman by kissing her hand, he was always so kind to her and she greedily accepted it.  Kindness was something she had not often been shown, especially by strangers.

But now, with this new knowledge she was scared.  She did not know what to do.

She picked up her book and went to the back corner of the library, hoping to not be disturbed.  She had many things to ponder.

Everyone had secrets, some better kept than others.  She also had her share.  No one knew she was gifted with the power of reading emotions.  Dumbledore had explained that empithimagus's had been persecuted throughout history and she would be much safer keeping such a power unknown from the world.  She had not even told Sirius, though he shared all with her.  Her eyes were the only thing which could give away her secret and so she avoided making eye contact.  Dumbledore had also given her a simple spell she could use to disguise her eyes.  No one knew her secret, perhaps it was the same with Remus.

She picked up the book and read the passage again:

Empithimagus are gifted with the power of reading emotions.  A simple glance and they are able to see into a person's subconscious.  There are few empithimagus who mature to ages where they can make a change in the wizarding community.  Generally they die at a young from the pain of losing a loved one.  Empithimagus also have the natural ability of legilimecny and are able to break the barrier of occulemancy without training.  Even with these advantages, there are exceptions to whom empithimagus can read.  As a rule, empithimagus cannot read dark creatures such as werewolves, vampires, etc.  These creatures are not fully human and therefore cannot be read.

The last words were what scared her the most.  'Are not human', meaning they lack something human, something which made their hearts beat, something which allowed them to live.  She had found a moon calendar and compared the days of Remus's sickness to those on the chart.  Everything fit, but still her mind could not grasp the fact.  The boy she had desired for nearly five years was a werewolf, one of the most feared creatures in all of history.

She closed the book and left it on the table, she had no time.  She had find Remus, she had to hear it from his mouth to truly believe it.  She opened the door to exit the library and fell back as she ran into something.

"Elizabeth, are you ok?"  He said as he gave her a hand to pull her up.

All her fears banished as she looked into his eyes.  She knew why his eyes were such now, they were wolf eyes.

"Remus, we must talk."  She was afraid to be alone with him, but inside she knew that he could never harm her, intentional or otherwise.  The look in her eyes told him she was serious and so he led her quickly to a nearby abandoned classroom.

"What is wrong Elizabeth?"

She had no idea of where to begin without revealing her own secret.  Maybe that was the only course of action she had, to share her most well kept secret to learn his.

She knew she liked Remus, more than just as one of her brother's best friends.  Sometimes she could look down the Gryffindor table and see him laughing with his fellow marauders, his eyes lit of up with happiness.  And sometimes he would walk her to class, but only when the Slytherins were upset over a recent prank the Marauders had pulled.  It was to ensure her safety of course.  She was the only sibling of all the Marauders and therefore an easy target for revenge.  He even told her that a boy would come along and sweep her off her feet when he found her crying in darkest corner of the castle over a boy who she had thought had broken her heart.  It was then she fully realized that she wanted that boy to be him—Remus Lupin.  Even with the new knowledge she possessed she wanted the same boy to tell her she was beautiful.  Perhaps what she learned meant nothing at all…

"I've kept a secret Remus.  I should have told you a long time ago but I was afraid what you might think.  I know we all have secrets and maybe it's time for me to share mine…"

"I know…"

Two words escaped his lips and they leave me in complete shock.  He knows?

"I noticed how you get sometimes, like when Sirius was mad I could see it in you or when someone was upset you seemed to share her pain.  It was too precise to be a coincidence.  It looked like you felt their pain too.  I did research and I came upon what you are, an empithimagus.  I noticed your eyes too Elizabeth.  How they're never the same shade, like a painter's palette," He said as he lifted her chin so they were staring into the other's eyes.

"Dumbledore said people would not understand.  That because of this they'll fear me…"

I try to find reasons for hiding my secrets.  If I had known he would be so accepting I would have shared my burden years ago.
"People can be crazy Elizabeth; you should have nothing to fear."  He leaned in slowly, brushing away a piece of hair that had fallen from her braid.

Her heart beat so loudly she could have sworn Remus could hear it.  She didn't know what she was doing or what was going on.  She had dreamt of this moment for years but actually having him this close caused her mind to stop working.  All she could do was lean into Remus's kiss.

It was everything she had imagined, but she slowly broke the kiss remembering the reason she had brought Remus to the abandoned classroom.  She wanted it to go on, to feel Remus's hands against her skin but she had to tell him first.

She leaned into his ear, ensuring no one but Remus heard, "I know your secret too Remus."

I know I am not the most articulate person, but I should have at least said something before rushing into a conversation about knowing he was a werewolf.

He stiffened and leaned away from me, "But, how?"

"I can not read you Remus.  When I look at you, you look like people did before my powers showed themselves.  I decided to do some research and it turns out empithimagus cannot read dark creatures…"

His gaze turned to the floor, I knew he was hurting from the news I had given him.  I did not need the ability to read him to comprehend his pain.

"Elizabeth, if you don't want anything to do with me its ok.  Just don't tell anyone.  I mean Sirius, James, and Peter know and Dumbledore and the teachers know but none of the other students.  Dumbledore wanted me to keep it quiet.  And I'll stay away from you if you want…"

He slowly got up from his perch upon the top of the desk.  How could he assume such things?  I had just felt for the first time in my life something truly magical and he was offering to take it away for ever.  My heart ached from hearing such a thought.

I grabbed his hand.  I would not let him go this easily.

"I am not scared of you Remus.  I don't see you as a dark creature.  And I won't tell anyone about your secret as long as you keep mine.  And," I paused, there was one more condition he had to meet, "you continue to kiss me like that…"

Again my words seemed rushed but I have stated all I mean to.

I watched his expression change to nervousness and his cheeks grow pink but I would not let the moment escape us.  I leaned in again and captured Remus's lips with a kiss.  I did not care if Remus was a werewolf, it was not who he was.  He could not even help it.  Remus was caring and wonderful.  He had probably already faced enough animosity without help from me.  Remus was a friend, and friends accepted one another regardless of circumstances.  And she and Remus would be the best of friends…


~~~

wow…that only took me like three years to write!  Ok, so it might not have been that long but I really struggled with this chapter.  I have conquered writer's block (though I have heard once you've had it, ur more susceptible to it in the future, hopefully that wont be the case :).

***was the place I started to write again and a change in the writing style can be noticed (I started using first person perspective instead of third…I think).  So if it seems a lil off its b/c I had to change sumthing in the way I wrote to conquer writer's block.

~If u don't like hermione/ron or harry/ginny pairing don't worry, there wont be a lot of it in the fic (I just had to do sumthing fun to break my writer's block).  Back to the real plot in the next chapter ;)

~and now to my reviewers:
psychonut: muuaaahhhhaaa…the jokes on u, I had the real remus hidden away the whole time…u replaced a dummy w/a dummy!! Lol, thanks for ur review (it made me laugh :)  oh and add more to "Fall from Grace"-it's been a while ;)

bell: here u are :o), hope this will motivate u to post sum more soon too (just don't take as long as I did ;)

jkw588:  hopefully things will start to look up for Elizabeth in future chapters ;)  hope u update soon too!  I want to know what's going on w/ Remus and Elle!

As always, please review :)

song credit: "walk on the ocean" by John Mayer