A freak odyssey

By Sinful Starlet

Disclaimer: is it even worth writing these things anymore? Probably not, but you all know nothing DA related belongs to me right? Would it be cancelled if that wasn't true?!

Rating: PG-13 / R. I have issues with ratings - basically I go more on a general atmosphere than anything else, and I think this isn't too kid-friendly!

Summary: Set somewhere during a now hypothetical third season. After the situation at Jam Pony, as the siege at TC continues, Max has just started to get her life back in order, when an old enemy resurfaces to wreak havoc on her life again. And guess what? It's another M/A - completely unapologetically, self-indulgently M/A! I don't care what the writers on the show thought, they are still my favourite couple!

Author's note: Flashback #4 - "Hello Goodbye". Slightly different from episode - okay, so maybe 'slightly' is an understatement, but hey - my world right?! We get to see a little more of Alec's reaction to Max's revelation about Ben, and Logan has a particularly stupid, drunken moment. (sorry Logan fans but as far as I'm concerned it's justified in this context!) *SS*

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A freak odyssey

By Sinful Starlet

Flashback #4 - "Hello Goodbye"

Alec moved round the counter to stand beside her. He could tell he hadn't got the full story yet, and wondered what exactly Max was leaving out. "What is it Max?" he asked, turning a little to look at her. He saw her shoulders slump a little, but she didn't turn round. She was really regretting starting to talk to Alec about Ben, but at the same time she couldn't stop now. She had never told anyone else what she was about to tell him, but for whatever reason, she couldn't lie to him now. "We were in the woods," she started.

"He was hurt...Manticore was closing in". "He didn't want to go back there," she finished, feeling tears begin to build behind her eyelids. "Re-indoctrination," Alec supplied, his own memories re-emerging, not exactly painlessly, "or worse". Max really hesitated then, but she had to go on, "I killed him". Alec's eyes widened a little in shock, but he could see that she wasn't done so let her continue. "He asked me to, so I did," Max said, her voice starting to break and tears running down her face, "And then I ran - I saved myself. And I just…left his body there for them to take away".

She couldn't help but let the tears out then and she started to cry properly. All the stored up pain and guilt that she had been carrying around for months all came spilling out then, in that one moment...with him. Alec himself was too shocked to speak at first, feeling pain of his own as he heard her cry. He went to her then, gently at first, not wanting to startle her. He wrapped an arm round her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. "Max I'm sorry," he whispered, "I never knew".

"They never told me what happened to him," he went on. Max tried to stop herself crying, not wanting to be seen as this vulnerable, not by Alec of all people. But she couldn't stop. She leaned closer into Alec and before she knew what she was doing, she was standing up and walking into his arms properly, resting her head against his chest as she continued to cry. He tensed a little at first, but then wrapped his arms more tightly around her, holding her closely to him. He whispered soothingly to her as he stroked her hair, feeling terrible that she had been carrying all this pain inside and he never knew about it.

When Max finally pulled back she realised she had left quite the tear stain on Alec's shirt. It had actually soaked through to his skin underneath, but he hadn't moved her until she was ready. "Sorry about that," she said, reaching a hand up to let it fall over the dark patch. "Don't be," Alec answered seriously, reaching up to take her hand in his. They had stayed like that for a minute or two and then the kettle had boiled, temporarily breaking the moment as Max went to make the coffee.

They sat together on the sofa afterwards, nursing their cups and drinking slowly. Neither felt the need to speak at first, but it was Alec that broke the silence at last. "I'm glad you told me Max," he said, honestly, looking right into her eyes, "you should never have had to carry this around by yourself". "Believe me," he said, "that's the worst thing you can do when you've got this kind of grief and guilt hanging over your head". Max looked right back at him, she knew he was talking about Rachel, something she wasn't sure he'd ever be able to do.

"You think it'll be easier," Alec went on, letting his eyes drop, feeling her gaze to be too intense at the moment, "you just push it to the back of your mind and try not to let it show. But you can't stop thinking about it, and you never will. You just have to hope that it gets easier in time...but you can't keep it to yourself". He looked back up at her then and saw her nod, managing a weak smile. "I don't know why I kept it a secret for as long as I did," she said, trying to make sense of the confusion in her mind, "I couldn't tell Logan - I couldn't even tell OC", she went on.

"I guess I wasn't sure how they'd take it," she said, sighing, "in the back of my mind, I always worried that they'd judge me. That they'd stop seeing me as me, and start seeing the soldier I've tried to avoid becoming ever since I escaped". "I think I had it all wrong," she said, "I don't think it was ever about Manticore letting go of me - it was about me letting go of Manticore, and however much I hated it, it's always going to be a part of me. I'll always be X5-452".

"Yes you will," Alec said, worried about where this was going, "but you'll always control how big a part of your life that is. You'll always be Max first and 452 second - I know that". She looked intently at him then and he quickly added, "And so do all your friends," when her gaze became a little too much. "You just have to learn where to draw the line," he went on, "you can't allow yourself to see what happened to Ben as your fault, or you may as well give up now".

"That had nothing to do with you as a person Max," he said, firmly, making her pay attention, "that was all Manticore - the same as it was for me and...for me and Rachel," he managed to say, but his voice was starting to sound a little shaky. "For so long I blamed myself entirely for what happened to her," he went on, Max only now beginning to see the depth of pain he had carried around for her, "I just hid behind this façade of being 'always alright'. I was too scared to let anyone see who I really was".

"But then I met you," he said, "you made me realise that I was more than just X5-494. You made me get my head back together, and you helped me to say goodbye to her when I finally had the chance to". "I'll never get over what happened to Rachel, in the same way you'll never get over what happened to Ben, but you can't let that be the most important thing in your life - you have to let yourself move on". "And that doesn't mean that you don't care," he insisted, knowing that was the first thing she was going to say.

They shared a look then, some tension being released between them anyway. "Wow," Max said, a slight smile crossing her face as she wiped the tears away, "when did we get all deep and meaningful?" "You got me!" Alec said, going along with the joke. "Y'know it's going to be---". "Okay?" Max finished "I think you're right". She set her cup down and pulled him into a loose hug again, "Thank you Alec, she said, meaning that more sincerely than she had to anyone in her whole life before that.

* * *

They sat and talked for several hours after that, Max still a little quiet at first, but becoming more comfortable and confident as the hours wore on. She realised that she had never really gotten to know Alec, not in all the months since she destroyed Manticore, but now that she was, her opinion of him was starting to change. They discussed all sorts of things, from friends to work to Manticore, leaving out only one subject - Logan. Max obviously didn't want to bring him up, so Alec didn't either.

There was just one thing stuck in the back of her mind that Max hadn't been able to forget, so she asked him about it now. "A few weeks ago," she said, "when I was at the hospital," she started, hesitating as if waiting for some response. "Yeah?" Alec asked, not quite sure what she was leading up to. "It wasn't Logan that beat White was it?" Max questioned, still a little hesitant, "It was you". Alec thought for a second before he answered, realising there wasn't much point in lying now.

"You overheard me talking to Logan?" he asked, but it was really more of a statement than a question, just confirmed when she nodded her head. "You said it was 'what I needed to hear'," Max went on, "I just wondered what you meant by that". Alec hesitated again, but decided she wasn't quite ready for the truth yet. "I just meant that it would have seriously messed with your opinion of me as an asshole!" he joked, "You seemed so determined for it to be true, I didn't want to prove you wrong!"

"Alec!" Max said, with a hint of regret in her voice. She took his hand in hers and spoke more gently, "I'm sorry I jumped to that conclusion," she said, "though I'm still right most of the time!" "Ah!" Alec protested, holding his other hand to his heart as if she had wounded him, "You just won't admit that I'm actually not half as bad as I'm cracked up to be!" "I'm starting to get that," Max said, smiling, still holding his hand. He hadn't noticed that at first, but then he glanced down and she caught his eye line, realising what he was looking at.

She let go of his hand then, not too quickly, but quick enough not to pass on any more mixed signals to add to the confusion between them. "Well I hate to be the one to say it," she said, "y'know - shark DNA and all. But I am actually getting pretty tired!" "Yeah," Alec said, "I guess I should get going - let you get some sleep". "No wait!" Max said as he started to get up, "You can't go home yet". It took a second for her to realise how that sounded and by then all she could do was glare at the smirk forming on his face. "I had no idea you wanted me so badly!" he joked, though lowering his voice to a more seductive tone.

"In your dreams!" she replied, smiling and pushing him away as he leaned in a little too close to her, sadly unaware of how close to the truth she was. "I just meant it's not safe for you to go home yet," she said, "not with the cops still out for you". Alec nodded, trying to think of something to say quickly before Max's thoughts returned to Ben and upset her again. "I'm sure I can find somewhere to stay," he offered. "I'm sure you could," Max said, with the beginnings of an evil smile, "if you're as good as your...'reputation', I'm sure you've probably got at least a dozen girls on speed dial, just waiting for you to call and ask for somewhere to stay!"

He pretended to look outraged then, but couldn't keep it going for long. "You wouldn't be looking to test that reputation would you?" he asked, knowing it was going to get him into trouble again. He had been expecting some kind of a comeback at least, but what he got was a seductive smile as she stood up, brushing up very close to him as she walked past and whispering, "Maybe". He had to swallow a couple of times before he could speak again, but then he looked up and caught the grin on her face.

"You--!" he started, getting over his initial anxiety and laughing with her, "Damn, Max! You should be careful when you say things like that!" "I'm sorry!" Max managed to get out in between giggles, "But your face...it was hysterical!" "Oh well I'm glad you find me so amusing!" Alec joked sarcastically. Max eventually stopped laughing, wiping her eyes and smiling consolingly at him. "I'm sorry," she said, not meaning it too much. "Look - like I said it is getting really late - why don't you just stay here tonight? I have it on good authority that there are a lot worse places than this sofa to spend a night!"

Alec teasingly pretended to consider it, but he agreed gratefully. "Good," Max smiled, "I'll just go get you a few blankets and stuff". She left the room for a second and Alec sat down on the couch, starting to undress a little. He'd only gotten as far as taking off his boots and jacket though as she returned, passing the blankets and pillow to him. "Thanks, Max," he said, smiling at her as he dumped the stuff on the couch next to him. "No problem," she replied, then suddenly seemed to think of something else, "Hey you don't snore do you?"

"What?!" Alec asked, a little surprised. "Not that I do - but I'd be in the next room anyway!" "I have sensitive hearing!" Max insisted, dodging the pillow as he swung it at her. "Goodnight Alec," she said, stepping forward and leaning in to kiss him lightly on the forehead. He was a little surprised at the gesture, but accepted it for what it was, saying goodnight to her too as she left for her own bedroom. He stayed on that couch quite happily for the rest of the night, sleeping better than he had in ages, that is until he was rudely awakened by Max telling him to get up because she had to go to work.

"You better lay low till we get this whole 'mistaken identity' thing sorted out," she said as they stepped out of her apartment building. "Yeah, maybe I'll crash at Joshua's," Alec said, "think he'll mind?" "You kidding?" Max said, a smile forming, "He'll love it!" Alec nodded, "I guess I should thank you for saving my butt - again!" he said, making her smile more widely. "I can't imagine what it must be like", he went on, "having me around? Some guy with Ben's face making you think about things you'd rather forget".

"Yeah", Max replied, all trace of that smile leaving her face. Alec swore under his breath, 'nice going!', he thought. "That's probably why I'm such a bitch to you sometimes!" Max offered, starting to pick up again. "Maybe", Alec mused, moving closer to her and wrapping an arm round her shoulders, "or maybe it's because I'm such a pain in the ass sometimes!" "Not arguing with that!" Max joked. "Hey!" he protested, "You weren't supposed to agree with me!"

He started to pull back from her, but she caught him, pulling him back into a proper hug...right in front of Logan who had been watching, just out of their sight. "Hey come on kiddo!" Alec said, trying to jolly her along, "It'll be okay". "Yeah," Max said, trying to convince herself, "I'll go see Logan about some papers for you and--" she trailed off, she had just promised herself that she wouldn't see Logan anymore. "Hey none of that!" Alec quickly interjected, seeing her face fall, "I know things seem really messed up with you and Logan right now, but they can't always be like that".

He really didn't want to be saying this to her right now, but he knew that it was what she really wanted. He pulled back from the hug, but left his arms round her waist, "The two of you are both so determined to fight this thing - you will find a cure in the end". "When you find someone that you really connect with like that, the last thing you should be doing is looking for a way to break that up". "Trust me," he said, more serious now, "don't just shut Logan out - you'll end up regretting it for the rest of your life if you do".

Max nodded, "So when did you get so insightful?" "Hey I'm deep!" Alec insisted, "I have...hidden depths!" "Hmm," Max teased, "very hidden depths, they must be!" He let that one pass, hugging her to him one more time before he let her go. "I better get to Joshua's," he said, stepping back from her. "Hey," Max said, calling him back, "be careful". Alec couldn't resist a smile then, "Always!" he replied, touching his fist to her stomach and then walking off to Joshua's, trying to convince himself that he had just done the right thing.

* * *

Max had decided to take Alec's advice in the end and had gone round to see Logan about getting Alec a fake birth certificate and stuff to get him out of trouble with the cops. She tried calling him first, but he wasn't answering, so she went round to his apartment, wanting to make sure that he was okay. She let herself in to find the apartment very dark, so she figured he must have already gone to bed. She walked over to his computer desk, finding some paper and starting to write him a note, when she heard a click in the background and lights flooded on around her.

She whirled round in surprise to find him sitting on one of the sofas in the living room. Sitting there with a half-empty bottle of Scotch on the coffee table, and a slightly drunken expression on his face. "Logan," she said, suddenly concerned as she walked over to him, "are you okay?" "I'm sorry I came by so late," she added, "but I kinda needed to talk to you about something". "I'll bet!" Logan said, with a slight laugh that was not doing anything to remove her concern. "Logan what's going on?" she said, "Why are you drinking?"

"Well it seemed like a time to celebrate!" Logan said, and she couldn't tell if he was joking or not. "I mean it's a big news day!" Logan went on, his speech sounding a little slurred. "What are you talking about?" Max asked, almost backing up as he stood up and walked over to her. "I wanted to talk to you earlier," Logan said, "I figured there were some things we needed to talk about and I wasn't sure if I'd get you on the phone...". Max realised what he was talking about, he had wanted to talk about their 'break-up'.

"I came by your apartment," Logan went on, moving closer and closer to her, 'til she could smell the alcohol on his breath, "and I saw him leaving". "The two of you seemed awfully 'tight'!" he said, imitating OC's style of speech. "Logan--" she started, though not exactly sure what to say. "What?" he interrupted, "I mean if I've got it wrong just say so," he said, sounding a little more insistent, "tell me it's not true". About a million and one thoughts raced through Max's brain in the few seconds before she replied.

She was completely torn about what to do. One the one hand there was still her love for Logan and the expectation of what could have been if they were virus-free, like Alec had said that morning, but on the other hand - they had no idea of when a cure would be coming their way, and in the meantime she could end up infecting him again and possibly killing him. She considered both sides carefully, recalling Alec's words from that morning, and then there was a whole new level of confusion. Alec.

Until the night before, Alec had meant little to her, but so much had changed since then. She felt like she really got to know him at last, to see what he was really like behind that 'always alright' mask he wore, and she realised that he did mean something to her. What that was, she had no idea at the moment, it didn't feel romantic, but she wasn't exactly in the right headspace to really make sense of anything at the moment.

She made her decision then. Whether it was right or wrong, even she wasn't sure, but there it was. It seemed like hours to her since she had last spoken, even though it had only been a few seconds, but at last she said, "I...I can't". "I'm so sorry, Logan," she said, "but I can't just lie to you and tell you what you wanna hear". Logan didn't reply though - he couldn't, he was too shocked to speak. Max realised that she couldn't exactly ask him about documents for Alec now, so she started to leave, just needing to get away from the look of betrayal in Logan's eyes.

"I don't believe you," Logan said, calling her back. "I know you Max...you could never be with someone like him". Max turned then, slowly walking back towards him. "I mean come on!" Logan said, a little desperately, "The two of you argue all the time - he questions everything you do, makes jokes of your beliefs and morals when he has none of his own, and the only things he seems to care about are his wallet and gettin' laid!"

He reeled back then, as Max came within an inch of hitting him. "Don't you ever say things like that!" she warned, frightening him more then than she ever had, "You don't know the first thing about him!" If she was going to be honest, she had scared herself as much as him as she realised just how close she was to hitting him and re-infecting him all over again. But she didn't regret doing it. She was too confused to stay any longer then, just walking off and out of the apartment without another word.

Hmm, not one of my happier moments there, was it?! Oh well! There's another three flashback scenes to go, and then I'll get into the main story. Hope ya liked it anyway! *SS*